Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Okay, bare with me, this is another online dating issue:
Last couple months I've attempted online dating - in this strictly "ethnic" site that connects people of same ethnicity & religion - in my case "greek."
I've never really had the guts to meet someone, which in a way, can be my fault due to being very cautious and nervous at the same time...
Well, this past month or so, a guy (in the age I'm interested in) contacts me and quite frankly, impressed me with a confident approach via email message. I waited a day and responded. He's 31, I'm 29. His second response was nice, serious, and friendly, which I loved again. In that response, he mentioned how he wanted to chat "live" on IM, and how he thought emails were sort of "Mute."
I agreed, gave him a scree name, and we arranged time/date to chat.
The chat went well, initially. Asked about work, school etc....that went on for about 30 minutes. Which was fine. He told me he was studying to be a physician and so on.
Then, he asked the following..."have you been in serious relationships in the past?" Hmm, that caught me quite off guard. I really didn't know how to respond. And the thing is, is that I haven't had sex yet, I like to save myself for marriage. And as a result, I have been very picky when it comes to dating, and also, I haven't had any "serious" relationships. So I tried to avoid answering him, I said, tell me about you etc...Now, after that ques...I sort of was "turned off" by him. It had almost past an hour, and I started to get tired and said, let's end it for the evening...then he said how about later? I said I was too tired and said maybe one day that week...and then he said "talk to you soon."
Now the next day, I was thinking about his ques and I email him saying, that in a way that "serious relationship" ques was uncalled for and i felt uncomfortable...he emailed an apology and then said that he was talking in "general" terms and did not mean to offend me. I said that's okay.
Now, he then goes to greece for 2 weeks & comes back. He has tried to contact me via IM, but I was away from the computer to repond. In the two weeks he was gone, I emailed him twice to say hello and see how he was doing. He didn't repond. Only when he came back, he IMed me.
Here's what's bothering me...did I puch him away? Was he ever interested in me? He had said he "gets out quick" when he feels he's wasting his time...does he feel that with me? I don'T know what to do, should I email hello again? But I'll look desperate I think. I just feel I messed things up. Was I right to feel uneasy when he asked about my serious relationships? I don't know why i'm caught up with this guy. He had told me I was one of the very few interesting people online...do I just forget about him and not contact him at all?
I am trying this online thing b/c i don't want to mess around and i'm picky when it comes down to finding the right guy. I'm ready for marriage and children and it's so hard finding a guy that wants that...what should i do?
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
I think you overreacted with that serious relationship question. It's probably one of the most common questions asked by people in general, when they are online dating. It's not a rude question by any means, it's just an informational question because people are curious about your past history with relationships. I'm not really sure why you equated the sex part with a serious relationship and why that should make any difference, but it seems like you totally freaked out and made some really wild assumption when he was just asking a normal question.
I'm not really sure what you can do at this point if you're still interested in him. You should probably be honest, because one of the biggest problems with online dating is when people are NOT honest with each other and find out the truth later on. I always say that - whether in real life or online, you should be as honest as possible. You should never start out any relationship with a lie, because it won't work out at all if you do.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Thank you for responding....you are the second person to tell me that. My friend told me the same thing. I guess I did overreact and I really regret it. I am not familiar with this at all. I just ketp that"catious" behavior in the back of my head....did I ruin it?
Do I have anything to salvage at the moment? I just feel like an idiot...he seemed like a very nice guy. I was thinking to email in a couple weeks, a "hello" email to see how he is - if he doesn't email/contact me sooner...maybe a "could we start all over" type of email....should I?
No one has caught my attention and it is getting frustrating. I actually saw some potentional with him..I feel so stupid....should I attempt an email to him in a couple weeks?
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
It's hard to say, if he's a forgiving type of guy (which is obviously a good character trait), then he'll probably just blow it off and you'll be fine. But if he's one of those guys who doesn't put up with a lot, then it's possible you may have blown it.
See, I'm not really sure what you should do now. I'm trying to think of the best way you can contact him again...... You said he IM'd you when he got back from Greece, has he sent any emails or other IMs since then? Is he replying to your replies? Or is he not communicating at all? Because if he's still keeping the door open to communication, then maybe you can just be sort of honest and let him know that you were just trying to be cautious or something.
But if he's not responding to you at all, then that's a lot tougher. It will be harder to get him to talk to you again. But you can always try again with a "Hi, how's it going" type email to get the discussion going again. It never hurts to try. If he blows you off and doesn't reply, then all you can do is move on.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Well, you've really have me thinking I've made such a big mistake!!
The last contact we had was on Sept 19 - I IMed him and he responded in seconds..he was saying he was jet-lagged and kept his responses to a word or two...and I got the impression that he didn't want to talk so I said "take care" and bye.
That was on the 19th - now I check that he has re-vamped his profile, changing things like - things that annoy you - "wasting my time" and things like this. And how he is looking for a girl that enjoys life & has a sense of humor..." He says he's on this thing b/c he works like 12 hours a day and finds it hard to meet someone. But I've noticed he logs on throughout the day.
I really don't know what to do. I am actually thinking of sending him ONE last email, saying that I misunderstood his "serious relationship ques" and how I think he's a decent guy who really said nothing wrong, and how I over-reacted and it wasn't intentional. If he does NOT respond to that, then I'll know for sure he's not interested anymore....is that okay? What do you think? He never really responded to my emails...he just ims me...
Oh, he claims that he does'nt like wasting his time, and that he's picky, confident but not cocky. And that he knows what he wants...is that a good trait?
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
You can probably email him and just apologize for overreacting, and again, just tell him you're being cautious. It's possible he changed his profile because of what happened, but it's also possible that he just changed it for a completely unrelated reason. There's really no way to know for sure.
I can't really answer for you whether his personality is a good trait or not, I guess that's something that you have to decide for yourself. But definitely if you try to email him just to say hey, I'm sorry we got off to a weird start, but I'm interested in still talking to you blah blah blah, but then if he's a jerk about it, then just cut him loose and don't worry about it. I know it kind of sucks when you think you meet someone cool but they end up not being, but it happens all the time.
Again, I just want to stress that most normal people would prefer to have the person on the other side of the computer being honest with them. If he has a problem with you being honest about how you feel, then he's got some problems and you probably don't want to be with him anyway. So it's not that big of a loss. But you won't really know unless you try to contact him one last time.
I'm not usually one to advocate chasing the guy, but I think in light of what happened, you can just try to let him know you're still interested - because there's a possibility that he might just have thought you weren't interested and that's why he hasn't contacted you again - but if you tell him you are, then he could potentially start talking to you again.
I don't really know how this is all going to turn out because I wasn't privvy to all of what happened, but I think that if he doesn't respond nicely when you are honest with him, then you don't need someone like that anyway, so there's no reason to get upset. Do you know what I mean? But just see what happens after you email him. And let us know because I'm interested to hear how he responds to your email. Good luck!
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Thanks again for the advice. I actually emailed him about 2 hours ago and still nothing! It's about 10 pm now. I'm quite proud of the email, lol...I think it was elegant and classy, and honest. I don't want to screw it up.
But I'm preparing myself just in case he moved on already...at this point, the only thing I don't want to seem is desperate! But I'm hoping he might just be understanding to say the least.
I know there are plenty of guys out there, and I'm hoping, if he's not the one, then I hope I won't have to wait too long! I'll keep you posted.......and thanks again....let's hope this works and he's worth it!
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stef457
I'm ready for marriage and children and it's so hard finding a guy that wants that...what should i do?
Dear Stef,
Stop searching and start focusing on yourself and others. Speaking from experience, I've been raising my son for 17-18 +/- years and 5 +/- years ago, I was so focused on my son and work, my volunteer work and life in general, I didn't even noticed that this one guy @ work was asking me out. I was so clueless, my boss had to tell me. LOL
I married him approx 2 weeks ago.
good luck... I believe that people are put in certain geographic positions as certain times for a reason. He's out there... but live your life, don't look for him.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Hi Stef, I think you're really overanalyzing this whole online dating thing. Just do what you want and don't care about the outcome--it's just not worth it! If you feel like emailing someone, email them, if you don't, don't. I agree that this guy asked a pretty standard question. Email him and say you got embarrassed by the question because you don't have that much experience with relationships. Be honest, what the heck? That's better than him thinking you freaked out cause you have something to hide. There's nothing you can lose by telling him the truth. You don't have to tell him you're a virgin right now because you haven't even met him and it' s none of his business, but you can just say you don't have that much experience with relationships--what's wrong with that?
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Hi Sophia,
Nice hearing from you
Well, I was off the site the whole summer, hoping by going out more it would happen, but unfortunately no such luck. So I signed back on the 15th of August, and what do I know it, "Mr. Cardiologist" contacts me a week later, lol.
Okay, here's how we left it: we were to meet up this w/e, but I have a wedding to go to so I'm too busy. Next w/e he's on call, so he said that we'll shoot for one day next week. So, here's the deal...do I now wait for him to email me and say what day, or do I email a "hello" and say when?
I don't want to look desparate!! He agreed to meet up once I emailed him this past sunday evening, telling him how I felt I overreacted and how I'm cautious. I basically told him I respect myself and that I've had all guy friends respect me too. He responded in about two hours after, stating he'll "gladly go for a drink or coffee" and that he understands about being cautious and that I have to give people a chance and just be myself. Does he sound "okay?"
But I think I should wait for his email now, right?
I did not tell him how I just get too too nervous sometimes....What if I spill something ? lol.
I hope I don't turn him off, lol..
Anyway, he sounds very promising and I'd want this to work. But I must not believe everything yet. He said that he likes that I sound picky and selective, and that he is the same way...you think that's a good quality in a man? I am praying for the best!! But I don't want to look desparate and contact him for next week...or is he waiting for me to take the same initiative again?
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Oh, thanks Sophia, I kind of liked that answer. But I have in the back of my mind, the idea that a guy would be turned off if I said that I haven't had much experiences in relationships...I mean, if he leaves, it would be that he's not worth it, but then again, could lack of experience be seen as a"turn off?" I hope the guy would assume I wouldn't jump into bed w/him anytime soon...right? And yes, I would want them to assume this, initially.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Okay, sorry to be so annoying about this, but here's how things stand as of now:
We could not agree on a time to meet up last w/e - him working, and me with family weddings etc - so he said we would "reschedule" for after this week ( which just went by) and that today (sat) he was on call at the hospital all day.
In the meantime, he has not made an attemp to contact me throughout the w/e, not even a "hello, how are you" and me either.
The thing is, I really "initiated the meeting for last week. We were talking online, on/off for a month. So I do not want to contact him again to seem desperate or too eager. I got the impression from him that he does not have too much confidence, and is a bit nervous, but he states the obvious saying he is confident and not cocky, and knows exactly what he wants.
I think there's a lot of potential with him, though I did state that I'd be happy with a good friendship if things don't work out. I hope I didn't turn him away by saying that my 2 bros are really inportant in my life, and that I'm lucky to have such bros. I only mentioned it since I brought up the possibility of meeting at a club we were going to be in the last w/e.
When I asked to meet, he agreed immediately, but I just can;t understand why at this point, a whole week went by and I did not hear from him.
Any advice on what to do at the moment? I'm really new to this whole concept and I cant see myself wasting time either. Again, I don't want to contact him and seem desperate or too eager.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
I don't know Stef. See, that's why I completely gave up on online dating. So much BS involved, sorry for the expression. Nobody ever seems to find the right time to get together, etc. I don't really know what to advise you, but this is almost painful to read! It shouldn't be SOOO complicated! I am currently not looking for a bf. I am letting him find ME. I don't care how long it takes, but I was just so tired of all the BS involved in online dating. Experienced all of the ridiculous situations you've mentioned before. How hard should it be to set up one date???
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
You're right Sophia. Actually, I was hoping you'd give me another nudge to keep me going, lol...! This is absolutely ridiculous - it's a game. People are just too scared to take the first step (me included.)
This is painful, you're right. Almost sad. It would have been my first time meeting someone this way. I made an attempt and it just didn't work out. Like my friend told me, if it was meant to be, it will happen.
Oh well, he has my email. Let him arrange something. I tried.
Back to square one
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
I have done the online dating thing off and on over the last 18 months. I finally gave up on it. I know that many people have success with it but I it's just not for me. Although I am not attempting to meet anyone at the current time, when the time is right, I'll join some social clubs or maybe have some luck with someone at work or school. I think online dating can be an invitation to unnecessary frustration and pain.
Thanks for your input. I understand what you mean. You know, I just can't let go of this one....I think I will trust my instinct which is telling me not to give up one him. The guy is studying to be a cardiologist, which tells me he's mature and decent, he states that he doesn't like wasting his time b/c he's too busy with work. He told me that I sound like I know what I want and won't settle, and that he is the same way.
But, listen to this scenario: as we were chatting online he asks: if you saw me at a club and i came to you and said hello, calm, cool & confident, would you say "hello" back to me? I respond: it would be the way you would approach me and say it, but most likely, yes I would. He continues: See, when i do that to girls, they put up an attitude and think i'm a player...
Now, what does that say to you? I think it tells me that he's a bit self-conscious though he, of course, states the opposite. I found it quite surprising that when i asked in the last email if he was interested in meeting up, he agreed immediately and what only deterred us was that busy w/e of ours "wedding, work," etc.
I really have a huge impression of him to be very nervous about meeting up. I think he is not telling me that he is. The fact is, so am I! Yes, i'm nervous, and it told him i'm nervous and to ignore my first-time jitters! He also said that he is very new to this site, and that he only has spoken to 2 other girls and never met up with them. I didn't believe that at first, but now I tend to think he was too nervous of meeting up.
I find, too, that he doesn't like talking about himself and just replies with a word or two. I had to initiate the questions...he was always like, "so, what do you want to know..." And i just wanted to scream, just tell me SOMETHING about yourself - hobbies, interests, lol!!
I am really attracted to him (if that/s really him in the pix), and I am really concerned that I might not meet his level of expectations! I think it's quite attractive to me when a guy tells me he knows what he wants and won't settle. I feel the exact way about myself. I think we have many things in common, but I do believe our jitters are what's holding us back. Never has he said he's moved on, or have become disinterested in me. I really think he's nervous. But I just don't want to be the one initiating the conversation. I do not want to look desperate!!
What is he waiting for!! Having read the above, do you think he's just pulling my leg? Should I just forget him? The other guy i was talking to, was acting the same way and at one point he emails that he has had enough with the site and is ready to start something with me. But at that point, he had listed a current picture of himself, and he did not look attracted to me any more, so I chose to stop emailing him. But this guy, if he is indeed that guy in the pix, then my search is over...arg!!! PLease, tell me, should I contact him! I'm sorry I just can't let this go
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Stef. Like everyone said you overreacted. Possibly you feel shame that you have never had a serious relationship at your age and you need not feel like that. He is 30 and you are 29 and because of your inexperience with relationships, I think it is showing. You know he showed a pic of himself and he is attractive and he is going to be a doctor. What woman would not be ready to jump on that!?! You sent him a nice email of explanation. If he has lost interest regardless of what was done. It is time to move on. If he recontacts you to meet. Then fine. Maybe he really has just been busy. If he doesn't then he is just trying not to hurt your feelings. I've done a lot of online dating. (Finally, married a guy I met online.) There is nothing wrong with it, but when a guy is uneasy about meeting, I either figure he is very shy or has lied about something. The next guy you meet who asks about past relationships just be honest. You don't have to say you are a virgin. Just say you have focussed on this or that more in your life and have had friends, but nothing very serious. Now you are ready to get out there and meet people and have fun. Keep it light hearted at first. When you meet practice all the safe online dating rules that are out there. Please just know there are other men out there. You can't make this guy interested again if he has lost interest. Best thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on.
Re: Online Dating: Wondering If It's Really My Fault?!
Quote:
Originally Posted by WhyIsThisMyLife
Stef. Like everyone said you overreacted. Possibly you feel shame that you have never had a serious relationship at your age and you need not feel like that. He is 30 and you are 29 and because of your inexperience with relationships, I think it is showing. You know he showed a pic of himself and he is attractive and he is going to be a doctor. What woman would not be ready to jump on that!?! You sent him a nice email of explanation. If he has lost interest regardless of what was done. It is time to move on. If he recontacts you to meet. Then fine. Maybe he really has just been busy. If he doesn't then he is just trying not to hurt your feelings. I've done a lot of online dating. (Finally, married a guy I met online.) There is nothing wrong with it, but when a guy is uneasy about meeting, I either figure he is very shy or has lied about something. The next guy you meet who asks about past relationships just be honest. You don't have to say you are a virgin. Just say you have focussed on this or that more in your life and have had friends, but nothing very serious. Now you are ready to get out there and meet people and have fun. Keep it light hearted at first. When you meet practice all the safe online dating rules that are out there. Please just know there are other men out there. You can't make this guy interested again if he has lost interest. Best thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on.
Thanks for your input.
So, you're saying that he probably became disinterested because he realized I have not had much experience in relationships? And this would be a turn off for guys i guess?
Well, i certainly wasn't after him b/c he's studying to be a doctor! Another doctor had contacted me a couple months ago and didn''t impress me. This guy seems good looking and shares morals and traditions that i do as welll. This is what really keeps me after him. I am not the type to just go after someone like in the manner you have implied above - esp. after waiting this long!
But I see your point that maybe I did push him away - in my manner of "overreacting." I guess I'll let it go for noow, and let him have the final say in all of this - if he is, indeed, still interested.
I have done the online dating thing off and on over the last 18 months. I finally gave up on it. I know that many people have success with it but I it's just not for me. Although I am not attempting to meet anyone at the current time, when the time is right, I'll join some social clubs or maybe have some luck with someone at work or school. I think online dating can be an invitation to unnecessary frustration and pain. 
