My girlfriend and I are have been going out for over a year. Recently we got into this big fight where we were contemplating perhaps just breaking up but we decided to work on things and see if we can get through it. This really isn't important, but I just thought I'd give you a back story.
Here's what happened. On weekends she bartends. She is a very friendly, outgoing person, so naturally a lot of the guys at the bar hit on her. In the past she has given out her phone number to some of the guys who frequent the bar. Not in the sense of dating of course, but randomly. One time it was because one of the guys wanted to send her a picture he had on her phone, another time it was for something else. What happens is these guys get her number and then start texting her about other stuff. Just saying "hi" or telling her goodnight. I got mad at her and told her that it wasn't appropriate and that I didn't do the same thing to her. She had said "ok, but that there was nothing to it, that these guys were her friends." I said "no they are your customers, theres a difference, etc, etc." Anyway, most recently there were 4 guys from a local lexus dealership (she just bought a used rx300) and she was talking with them and i guess told them about her new car. She only has one key so one of the guys said that he would get her a backup key no problem, so she gave out her number.
Now please tell me. I know I'm a guy and may be being jealous but are her actions wrong, or am i over-reacting? thanks for the responses (sorry it was so long).
I honestly don't think you are overreacting here. She is there to work, not to chat people up. I guess it all depends on what kind of club/bar she is working at. My dad's ex owned a pub but that was out in a country town of about 500 people so naturally you get to know the customers but i also think it's different if it's a club that gets packed out with hundreds of people from all over the city that go there for one thing only, that is either to pick up or get drunk. This is just my opinion tho.
I dunno.. the key thing seems innocent enough IMO. Those keys are NOT cheap, if someone is offering to hook you up (no strings, of course), why not? I wonder if any of these guys know she has a man?
I have a few friends who are bartenders, and it's pretty common to chat it up over pouring drinks and what not if people stick around for multiple hours or multiple nights.
Handing out her number randomly definitely isn't appropriate in most cases. I do think the car key one is plausible, but other than that - eh, seems a little odd to hand it out 'just because'.
It seems innocent...but also that she's really enjoying the attention. I have a lot of guy friends, and my boyfriend doesn't get jealous. But when I give out my number to people I meet randomly, he gets jealous (yes, I've done this before, it didn't seem like a big deal when I did it, but he got pretty upset). She's being honest with you about it, which is a good thing... But it's not really right: she has a boyfriend, that shouldn't be a secret. Guys might not ask for her number if they knew...does she tell them?
I might suggest you return in kind, and give your number out to a few girls to see how she takes it, but I think that would be petty and immature. Ultimately, you need to tell her how you feel. If she thinks you're being ridiculous or unreasonable, maybe you do need to take a step back from the relationship. Maybe she's a great girl, but you two clearly differ at a fairly key issue in your relationship. Maybe you are being a little too possessive but she is also being a bit too nonchalant about this. You're in a relationship and the two of you need to work out a compromise.
Good luck!
-Mirabelle
Last edited by LadyMirabelle; 09-26-2006 at 11:33 AM.
I think that as long as she makes it clear to these guys that she is not single and that she is in a relationship, then it is OK. Does she tell them that she has a boyfriend? Does she talk about you to her customers?
I suppose if she was flirting with them anyway, then it would be a problem, but my guess is that she's not flirting or returning any flirting since she is honest with you about it. If she was doing something wrong, she probably wouldn't tell you. But just make sure she is being honest about her relationship status. It's not right to lead people on, even if it is for tips.
Thanks for the replies so far. You all had some good points. I really don't know what to do.
The restaurant where she bartends is family style, so we do get regular customers in, but at the same time, the guys (from lexus) i have never seen before. In addition she did not tell me about the key thing, I had to ask her (considering I was also working that night) what they were talking about and then they told me.
Here's the thing. The idea that she needed a key and they work for lexus is fine. I'm not mad at that. What I am mad at is that she has done similar things in the past and she knows I don't like it. In addition, what guy goes into a bar, has a few drinks, and asks for a girls number just to help her out? He (they) are clearly expecting something in return.
Now I don't think she should have said oh no I can't give my number because I have a boyfriend, but I think she could have atleast hinted to it so that the guys get that view. She had never done that, and I think that is what is shady.
She didn't have to not take the number because she had a boyfriend. She should just mention it to them. There are ways to bring it up. I always bring it up. For example, a guy approaches me in a bar and says "hey, how about those Twins." I can tell he's hitting on me, so I say politely, "yes, they are great this year. My boyfriend is a huge fan so he keeps me pretty up to date with sports. My boyfriend and I love watching the games together."
She could have said "oh great -- I can give the extra key to my boyfriend in case he ever needs to use my car." Or maybe not that, but something to that effect. That's just what I do.
I used to be a bartender and I would be very unhappy if my boyfriend tried to place restrictions on whom I can give my phone number out to. I formed many relationships with my customers, and yes, a lot of them were men. You asked what guy goes into a bar, has a few drinks, and asks for a number without wanting something in return. Plenty of people do not want something in return. It sounds like you are projecting your own line of thinking. It is said that those that are the most jealous/possessive/suspicious are those who cheat. I'm certainly not accusing you of cheating, but my point is that perhaps you are untrusting because you are not sure of what your own behavior if the situation was reversed. It's just something to think about.
bulletproof - I'm not placing restrictions on who she can give her number to, I just think its inappropriate when she gives it out without mention she has a boyfriend when the guy she gives it to has an agenda. In addition, I have never cheated and never will. You said I'm unsure as to what I would do in that situation, however I have been in those situations and just make sure to mention I have a girlfriend if I think the girl may be flirting. Because of this I think that she should show me the same respect that I show her.
As to everyone elses comments, I should clear up that these guys aren't her friends, they are just regular customers from the bar. Why does she feel the need to provide these guys with her number? Especially not mention me when talking with them. She's not a dumb girl, so I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she knows they are flirting with her. In the past (other instances shes mentioned above) she said she didn't know, but its pretty blatant (ie: texting her goodnight, inviting her to other bars to get a drink when she gets off work). I think I took the right approach to talk with her in the past about and told her it bothered me, but she keeps doing it.
I'm torn here, because its not the fact that she gave out her number, but because I've told her my feelings on it and she still hasn't changed.
Sigh...You either picked the wrong GF or the wrong business...or both. What you described is an A-typical bar scene so it's all part of the job. Unless she starts to go out with them, don't get work up over it.
If anyone think bartending is just pouring liquids into glasses, they should get behind the counting for a week or two. It's an art to balance between keeping guys happily intoxicated while not leading them on too much.
If you consider her to be GF, then you should be confident enough to not let these thing bother you. It's like having a movie star as GF and get boiled up seeing her in a hot scene with the male counterpart.
Bottom line is, focus on the reality. If she is actually seeing some of these guys for fun, that would be crossing the line. Beyond that, just let her do her job.
I currently bartend on weekend nights (second job) and I have a bf also.
Quite frankly, my bf isn't allowed to come up while I'm working. Sad? No, true. I don't make as much in tips if he's there, and frankly .....he doesn't like the flirting that comes with the job.
Maybe you shouldn't work there.
I'm there for one purpose only ....too make money !! Alot of these guys are regulars. I see them every weekend .....I know them well ....it comes with the territory of bartending and I would not give it a second thought about giving out my number (to some of them ...not all).
If they asked if I had a BF, of course, I would say Yes. However, the business is to make people happy, make them feel good .....better tips !! Without crossing the lines, of course.
I'm just wondering - does she reciprocate when these guys text her goodnight? When they ask her out for a drink when she gets off work, does she say, "no, I can't, I'm going to be with my boyfriend"? -- I think the answer to that makes a big difference in the situation...
