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Old 09-25-2006, 07:36 PM   #1
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beaka_sue HB User
advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need some serious advice. I am married and I just recently started talking to a man I used to talk to and email quite alot. We used to talk about hooking up and such. We started emailing again (nobody knows). We talk about the things we used to talk about like getting together. I really love my husband but things have been a little rocky in the love department. He is just not doing what he needs to in order to satisfy me. This other man I know will take care of all that. He has told me but it would just be a flingy.

He is way older than me.........like probably 20 years or so. I have feelings for him and always have. I dont want to get caught of course and I am scarred. He wants to get together while his wife is away. We have not done anything serious in the past just talk and go out to eat...that sort of stuff. I am not sure if I am the cheating type but I am tired of my current relationship. I think I'll get together with him and then I chicken out. What can I tell him....I dont want to let him down but I dont really want to ruin what I have with my hubby. I dont know what to do please help!!

 
Old 09-25-2006, 09:09 PM   #2
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Beaka,

I just recently remarried after being divorced for 17-18 +/- years.

I love my new life. My wonderful husband just moved in last weekend, (I don't believe in cohabitating). It's funny there are certains things I dig my heals on, and you'd think at my age, I'd be a little bit relaxed about this one.

It took me a while to find my husband. I've kissed so many wrong men and UGH, girl, I wish I could sterilize my lips after some of them. LOL Being a single mother is not fun. Finding my husband took a long time, lots of lonely nights, I'd gone through a lot of tears, painful break ups, lots of starting and ending relationships, I was stalked at, threatened, disrespected, yelled at, I was called ugly names by some of the guys, hated, you name it, I'd gone through the ringer when it comes to being unmarried and out in the dating world.

It was a long journey for me to get at this point in regards to finding my husband. He's a wonderful man who accepts me for who I am. I feel adored by this man, he's wonderful to my son, he's pretty close to my list of standards and that's a pretty tough list.

You married your husband for a reason, one of them could be because you love him. I know down the road, I'd be bored w/ my husband, and there were times when I was... but it's not good enough reason to break up your marriage.

Do you want to know why it took me so long to marry? I was engaged twice on those 17-18 years of being single... it's because marriage is a sacred unity. It's so sacred to me, that I wasn't about to just jump in without thinking things through. With all the celebrity breaks ups and hook ups, we, the non celebrity people start to emulate them. A lot of people take marriage for granted and there are very few of us who are lucky enough to have it once... I even feel luckier than most to have it a second time.

Work on your marriage hon. Try to look at your husband in a different light. This man who is also married is playing with your vulnerability. Yes, having a fling may be exciting, but is it enough to gamble with what you have with your husband?

Whatever your issue is with your husband is still redeemable. Don't do anything that would take away your integrity, because Beaka, there's one other person you have to answer to, yourself.

Good luck.

Peace.

 
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Old 09-26-2006, 05:25 AM   #3
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KeltoKel HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue - what you are asking for is permission to cheat on your husband? Do you really think people are going to come on here and say, "go for it...."

Geez, ditch the old guy, stop emailing him, and work on your relationship with your husband. Do you honestly think ANYTHING positive will come out of your relationship with your husband if you cheat on him?

Personally, you are only thinking about yourself right now. Your post is very self centered. Marriage is not about that. If you want to be with another man, then leave your husband!

 
Old 09-26-2006, 12:07 PM   #4
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The most dangerous part is that you say you have feelings for this other guy. Chances are, if you sleep with him, those feelings are only going to mushroom, and you are going to find yourself in such an incredibly painful situation. You could end up falling in love with him and all you will ever be to him is a piece of booty. This guy doesn't respect people, plain and simple. He doesn't respect his wife, and he sure as heck will not respect you.

Why would you worry about letting him down?!? He's a scummy guy planning on betraying his poor wife! The last thing he deserves is any kind of consideration. The best thing you could do next time to talk to him is to inform his that you've changed your mind because you realize you're just not the type of person who can hurt and betray someone they love. Maybe he'll get the hint, but probably not.
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Old 09-26-2006, 12:26 PM   #5
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tealdreams HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if you really love your husband you would talk openly about the problems you have and why he isnt satisfying you. maybe he is unaware that you are unsatisfied. you cant blame a man when he doesnt know hes doing anything wrong.

your post did seem very self centred. a relationship only works when you both take each others thoughts and feelings into consideration. if you are worried only about yourself, that is not a healthy relationship. you cant say you love him then cheat on him. it doesnt matter how much you say you love him, those are just words. what matters is what you do to him and how you make him feel to know that hes loved.

 
Old 09-26-2006, 12:57 PM   #6
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Nina000 HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If this other guy truly loved you, he won't be putting you second best. That is, cowardly waiting till his wife is away, to "get together". Cheap. If he loves you enough, he would be honest to everyone, his wife included, and would encourage you to bring it to the light.

If you have problems with her husband, you also need to be upfront with him.

Last edited by Nina000; 09-26-2006 at 01:24 PM.

 
Old 09-26-2006, 01:51 PM   #7
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Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an affair, actually, several of them. My "excuse" is that I was young (early 20s) and my husband had been abusive to me in the past. That didn't make it right. It was horribly stressful and painful. OK, I'll admit, at first it seemed fine, it was like I was a different person when I was with someone else. I didn't even think I felt guilty at the time. But the guilt came, and it crept up inside of me like a strong artic chill, lowering my self esteem and making me anxious and/or depressed. Eventually I knew I had to leave my husband so that he could find a wife he deserved (even though he had been abusive, he did mature and did have the abilities to be a good husband, which he is today, to his second wife). So, I don't recommend the affair. You also need to think of how it could impact other people as well -- your in-laws, your own family, your children if you have any. Sort out the problems you have with your husband. If they can't be resolved, then you can move on.

 
Old 09-26-2006, 02:14 PM   #8
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Musical_Muse HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue,

First of all, the other posters have all made really good arguments against doing this. I agree with them in this. You shouldn't have to go outside your marriage in order to get your needs met. What you need to do is simply talk with your husband, tell him what's not pleasing you, and then come to some kind of agreement with him. He deserves this. Communication is HUGE in any relationship, especially a marriage, so you need to keep the lines open and be honest with him about how you feel.

Also, my brother is experiencing heartache due to his wife potentially cheating on him. To add to the fire, they have impressionable young children who are being hurt in the process. My SIL doesn't spend much, if any, time with her children or husband, as she seems to be lost in a fantasy world of her own. She even told my brother that she was considering moving out in order to get some rest between job shifts . I just don't understand this woman at all. She also has a strong personality where she's nice to you (when she's getting what she wants from you) one minute, and a complete b**** the next. Some of us in the family believe that she's narcissistic and has no empathy for others. My brother deserves soooo much better than this. I also tend to believe that your husband deserves better than a wife who would rather cheat with another man than communicate her frustrations with the marriage.

~Colleen
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Old 09-26-2006, 05:19 PM   #9
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beaka_sue HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally understand where yall are coming from but this is the situation. I have discussed things with my husband about our relationship. He always has some lame excuse. He is either tired or not in the mood - stressed out, or some stupid thing. This is not just once in awhile....this is constant. I have even told him that if he doesn't smarten up I am going to find someone that will want me. He doesn't even want me touching him, doesn't want sex, foreplay, nothing. He wont touch me.....I dont know what else to do. I have tried everything under the sun to try and make him want me. Nothing works. Maybe he having an affair....I dont know. But when you have tried everything and nothing works it's hard not to want attention from someone else is it not????? You are all making it sound like it is my fault.

When we were first married everything was great and then we went through one of these fazes...he smartened up for a little bit and then he has been the same since. I am a very sexual person I want it all the time. I like to talk and act sexy.....he is just not into it anymore. What can I do???

 
Old 09-26-2006, 05:19 PM   #10
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beaka_sue HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally understand where yall are coming from but this is the situation. I have discussed things with my husband about our relationship. He always has some lame excuse. He is either tired or not in the mood - stressed out, or some stupid thing. This is not just once in awhile....this is constant. I have even told him that if he doesn't smarten up I am going to find someone that will want me. He doesn't even want me touching him, doesn't want sex, foreplay, nothing. He wont touch me.....I dont know what else to do. I have tried everything under the sun to try and make him want me. Nothing works. Maybe he having an affair....I dont know. But when you have tried everything and nothing works it's hard not to want attention from someone else is it not????? You are all making it sound like it is my fault.

When we were first married everything was great and then we went through one of these fazes...he smartened up for a little bit and then he has been the same since. I am a very sexual person I want it all the time. I like to talk and act sexy.....he is just not into it anymore. What can I do???

 
Old 09-26-2006, 05:19 PM   #11
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beaka_sue HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I totally understand where yall are coming from but this is the situation. I have discussed things with my husband about our relationship. He always has some lame excuse. He is either tired or not in the mood - stressed out, or some stupid thing. This is not just once in awhile....this is constant. I have even told him that if he doesn't smarten up I am going to find someone that will want me. He doesn't even want me touching him, doesn't want sex, foreplay, nothing. He wont touch me.....I dont know what else to do. I have tried everything under the sun to try and make him want me. Nothing works. Maybe he having an affair....I dont know. But when you have tried everything and nothing works it's hard not to want attention from someone else is it not????? You are all making it sound like it is my fault.

When we were first married everything was great and then we went through one of these fazes...he smartened up for a little bit and then he has been the same since. I am a very sexual person I want it all the time. I like to talk and act sexy.....he is just not into it anymore. What can I do???

 
Old 09-26-2006, 05:32 PM   #12
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LadyMirabelle HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Maybe your husband is not into fixing the relationship because on some level you aren't all that into it either. I think that you have to be at least a little bit emotionally unavailable to be doing something like this, and he can probably sense it (even if he doesn't know exactly what you're doing). However, as much as he does not want to work on it, you are more in the wrong by considering having an affair. You said in your first post that you are tired of your current relationship? Well, all relationships take work, especially marriage. You need to make a decision: if you want to stay with your husband, really stay with him and work on it. If you are unhappy and feel that he is not doing his piece, leave him. However, I would really urge you not to go after this older man in any case, because he is married as well. Do you really want to be the other woman?

Good luck, I really hope you can work things out,
Mirabelle

 
Old 09-26-2006, 05:42 PM   #13
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brook65 HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sue

You are obviously not compatibly happy in your marraige. But seeing another man - just for sex - is not the answer!

This man is also married, and probably finds women such as yourself all the time, he is a cheat to his wife, and if you were to meet him, he would more than probably get what he wants from you to.

This is sordid, keep away from this guy, and try and work on your marriage. If your marraige is beyond repair, then get out, be fair to your husband and yourself.

If you were to meet up with this guy, and had sex, you may be happy for a while, but then you will have to face your husband again, and live with the guilt.

Surely you would feel less guilt about ending your marraige, then staying in it and cheating?

 
Old 09-26-2006, 07:40 PM   #14
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by beaka_sue
I totally understand where yall are coming from but this is the situation. I have discussed things with my husband about our relationship. He always has some lame excuse. He is either tired or not in the mood - stressed out, or some stupid thing. This is not just once in awhile....this is constant. I have even told him that if he doesn't smarten up I am going to find someone that will want me. He doesn't even want me touching him, doesn't want sex, foreplay, nothing. He wont touch me.....I dont know what else to do. I have tried everything under the sun to try and make him want me. Nothing works. Maybe he having an affair....I dont know. But when you have tried everything and nothing works it's hard not to want attention from someone else is it not????? You are all making it sound like it is my fault.

When we were first married everything was great and then we went through one of these fazes...he smartened up for a little bit and then he has been the same since. I am a very sexual person I want it all the time. I like to talk and act sexy.....he is just not into it anymore. What can I do???
Dear Beaka,

Oh hon, no, it takes two to tango... I can understand where you're coming from... have you asked if you could have an "open marriage"? I've heard married people having that sort of relationship (it's not for us though and not for everybody) but maybe if you ask him if he's willing to do that? I don't know how that works... sorry. But I remember talking to one old friend who has an open marriage and it seemed to work for them... again, not for everybody.

To defend some of the posters here, most of the population are against extra-marital affairs (EMA) and I'm one of them. Sex is such an important part of a relationship and touching is up there on a lot of people's list. I'm like you, VERY sexual and I have a high sex drive... it must be my age. LOL That's probably why toys were invented to have that personal "release" and maybe that's something you can try too? Just a thought.

I hope you can find other avenues to give yourself the physical need you're searching. But to be fair to your husband and your marriage, maybe a trial separation may be necessary so you can see what's out there (believe me, it's not fun) and maybe that trial could give your husband time to think about you and your marriage.

Another thing, there's another woman at the other end of this picture. Put yourself in her shoes, don't hurt another woman.

I hope you find Peace.

Last edited by Fabat40; 09-26-2006 at 07:46 PM.

 
Old 09-26-2006, 11:25 PM   #15
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shoe HB User
Re: advice please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

go for it ... your husband is not satisfying you ... i'm sure he never has ... and he never will again ... i know you know what i mean ... go ahead ... have some fun ... sure why not ... really why not? and i'm sure you've already answered the why nots and your still thinking about it ... i want you to ... you want to ... your husband wants you to ...

these are my thoughts please do not delete this post ...

 
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