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Old 09-26-2006, 11:28 AM   #1
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Crimson___ HB User
Any suggestions thanked

i find it really hard to make relationships with any one. I just seem to be reclusive and hide away all the time i can never seem to get any where with anyone new.

the first time i meet someone we can sometimes hit it off, but after the initial meeting i can't seem to bring myself to talk in a real way again incase they don't like me. its silly but how do i get past that?

 
Old 09-26-2006, 01:29 PM   #2
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

The answer is simple. The way to achieve the answer is not so easy.

The saying is true-- "You need to love yourself before you can love others."

What I'm seeing here is a lack of confidence and self esteem in you. After you meet someone, you're worried to be yourself in case "they don't like you." Whoever said they didn't like you? You did! You need to stop thinking so negatively about yourself and instead try to boost up your self image so you'll be confident to be yourself because hey -- if they don't like you, who cares, you like yourself and you'll be just fine.

You also may have a fear of intimacy. Did someone hurt you in the past?

To get over this, you might want to consider counseling. Or, as silly as it may sound, daily affirmations can help improve your thinking. "I am worthy to be loved." "We hit it off, and that means he likes me. So, he'll like to spend more time with me. I deserve someone who wants to spend time with me." Things like that.

Also, getting out in the world and putting effort into your personal goals in life (other than finding love) can help you feel independently successful, thus boosting your confidence.

Establishing a healthy self esteem isn't easy, and the road is tough for us all. But I think once you do "find youself" and start to love yourself -- you'll let others get to know the real you and love you, too.

 
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Old 09-26-2006, 02:29 PM   #3
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Musical_Muse HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Very well said, MinnesotaGirl . Actually, I am reminded of a new TV show that has just started airing. I don't know if I should mention the name (in case a moderator may not appreciate it as much and boot me off), but there is a person with the name Greg Behrendt who has doled out advice on this very topic. Look him up. I enjoy him sooooo much . He's also kinda cute .

In my own life, at the moment, I am more focused on my new career and getting myself set up in another city. I also have other hobbies that keep me busy, etc., so I am not as devoted to the whole "find the love of your life." Some of my friends have tried to set me up with people, I have been asked out, etc., but I still haven't found the right man yet. I know that he's out there, though, but I am content to wait for a little while longer, anyway.

~Colleen
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"The only emotions that are deadly are the ones that are unexpressed."--Iyanla Vanzant

 
Old 09-26-2006, 08:10 PM   #4
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Re: Any suggestions thanked

Quote:
Originally Posted by Musical_Muse
Very well said, MinnesotaGirl . Actually, I am reminded of a new TV show that has just started airing. I don't know if I should mention the name (in case a moderator may not appreciate it as much and boot me off), but there is a person with the name Greg Behrendt who has doled out advice on this very topic. Look him up. I enjoy him sooooo much . He's also kinda cute .

In my own life, at the moment, I am more focused on my new career and getting myself set up in another city. I also have other hobbies that keep me busy, etc., so I am not as devoted to the whole "find the love of your life." Some of my friends have tried to set me up with people, I have been asked out, etc., but I still haven't found the right man yet. I know that he's out there, though, but I am content to wait for a little while longer, anyway.

~Colleen
Oh my gosh Colleen, you sound like me 10 years ago! LOL I was so focused on my son, my career, my several volunteer work and my love of biking, when my boyfriend (now my husband of almost 3 weeks) came into our conference room at work that one day and asked me out. My boss had to blatanly tell me after he'd left that some guy is asking me out and I totally blew him off! LOL I was so clueless and I wasn't in the mind set like you said, "find the love of your life" that he found me instead!

You go girl! Keep living your life and keep enjoying it because he is out there and he'd see the happy girl that you are that he'd want to get to know what got you to that point.

Peace.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 02:36 AM   #5
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minijumbofly HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
...The saying is true-- "You need to love yourself before you can love others."...
Amen!!! And ditto to the low self esteem and fear of rejection points. Been there, done it, kicked its axx...

The world is cruel and full of people that just naturally put others down, so don't joint them in beating yourself up. You should be on you own side, shouldn't you? Accept rejections and failures, learn from it. The only way to have zero of both is to crawl into a shell and shut it tight. Trust me, that is NOT fun.

It will take some serious training and mind conditioning to build confidence but it's done everyday. There are probably libraries of books and classes on dealing with these issues, so have fun finding the right one for yourself.

Let me put it this way, you should be able to look in the mirror on a bad hair day and still say "I love you!" Cheers.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 04:59 AM   #6
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Bracelet HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

The important thing to remember is to ALWAYS be yourself, regardless of what anyone thinks of you being yourself. And believe it or not, there will be people who actually really enjoy spending time with you when you're being yourself.

But for anyone who doesn't like you when you are being who you are, then you seriously don't need those people in your life. There is no reason to worry at all about those people, because they don't matter! They're about as important to you as the fly that crashed into your windshield when you were driving down the highway.

Through your life, one of the most important things you can do is just love and honor and respect yourself enough to know that you deserve to be loved and respected and honored by others. And anyone who doesn't treat you well doesn't deserve a place in your life, period. Then just concentrate on fostering the relationships with those who do treat you well, because those are the people who matter. And they are also the people who will appreciate that you are always being yourself with them, no matter what the situation.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:37 AM   #7
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thegardener HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Hi Crimson, since I know your background and I know your mother didn't teach you any social skills due to her mental illness, maybe you should focus on trying to learn some social skills. I was also unfortunate growing up in that my parents did not teach social skills. This was something that I started focusing on as soon as I moved out on my own. If you met me today at a party you would never know it. I learned these skills by watching others, reading about the subject and of course counseling! As always, good luck Crimson!

 
Old 09-27-2006, 06:54 AM   #8
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brook65 HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Hi Crimson,

You are classically putting up the barriers, for fear of rejection!

I can totally relate here, I had a bad childhood with my mother, it came across that she didn't like me, and made me feel rejected. So when I was turning into a woman, I used to subconciously do the same, put on a front when meeting someone for the first time, and then when they appear again, the barriers went up, I didn't want them to get to close, incase they deceided they didn't like me, and then reject me. My mind set was, if my mum didn't like me, then why would anyone elses?

It is all about confidence, and belief in yourself, although I do still tend to put up the initial barriers, some people get through them, and that helps with your confidence.

Like another poster said, it is easier to hide away to avoid rejection, but you are ultimately hurting yourself alot more by doing that.

You will learn to trust again, with time, your confidence will grow.

Good luck

 
Old 09-27-2006, 11:47 AM   #9
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Musical_Muse HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
Oh my gosh Colleen, you sound like me 10 years ago! LOL I was so focused on my son, my career, my several volunteer work and my love of biking, when my boyfriend (now my husband of almost 3 weeks) came into our conference room at work that one day and asked me out. My boss had to blatanly tell me after he'd left that some guy is asking me out and I totally blew him off! LOL I was so clueless and I wasn't in the mind set like you said, "find the love of your life" that he found me instead!

You go girl! Keep living your life and keep enjoying it because he is out there and he'd see the happy girl that you are that he'd want to get to know what got you to that point.

Peace.
Thanks, Fabat . I guess I'm just content with who I am and what I'm doing that I don't really need to find another person who will "complete me" at this point in my life.

How cute ...you didn't realize that this guy was actually asking you out. I think that you're absolultely right that, when you least expect it (and aren't really actively looking for it) the right person will find you and like you for you :-). Congratulations on finding the right guy and getting married! I'm sure that you are both very happy together .

I think that Crimson should take this advice, too. It's best just to be happy with yourself and enjoy your interests. When you are, you tend to attract others who are of similar mind.

~Colleen

P.S. Being able to laugh at yourself goes a loooong way in making others feel more comfortable with you. Also, try smiling at others when you feel like doing it, as this also helps to break the ice.

P.P.S. Don't take every encounter as a life or death situation: if the other person isn't as fond of you, move on. If you think about how many millions of people are on this planet (and other planets *LOL*), you realize that there will be at least one person who will think that you're great. So, relax and just get to know the other person...try not to focus on how you're coming across to them, even though this can be challenging at times.
__________________
"The only emotions that are deadly are the ones that are unexpressed."--Iyanla Vanzant

Last edited by Musical_Muse; 09-27-2006 at 12:00 PM.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 03:18 PM   #10
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Crimson___ HB User
Re: Any suggestions thanked

Thank you so much to everyone for all your replies. I would like to state I wasn't actually talking about finding a partener I have one already of 4 years and we get on great. I was more concerned with friends, and I guess getting on with the day to day conversations at the work place. Not that I am at work at the moment.
All your replies are so helpful. I am doing daily affirmations which really helps too.

the peices of advice that stick in my mind most are to smile when I feel like smiling, look after the people that care about me, and to concentrate on my own happiness.

thank you all so much for your help, it means such a lot
Love Crimson___

ps any1 know y the gardener was banned???

 
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