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Old 09-26-2006, 03:51 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
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iluvg1120 HB User
I would like some advice...

Hi there,

I am new to this board. I frequent a few of the other boards. I would like to tell you my story and ask for advice. Please be honest. I don't want this to sound bad.

I am divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. I live with my boyfriend. We have been dating for a year and a half and living together for a year.

My ex-husband was very mentally abusive. Even after we were divorced. He just was not a nice person. I had to keep in contact with him because of my daughter. At any rate, on August 11 he committed suicide.

My daughter is closer to my boyfriend, John, than she was to my ex. Since this happened, he has talked about adopting her, just throwing it out there. Of course, many things would have to happen before that, like marriage, etc.

So now getting to the point. He is the sweetest guy in the world. He treats us wonderful. I love him very much. However, there is one thing that bothers me. He is about 100 lbs overweight. He has gained over the past year also. Of course, I fell in love with him for who he is. But, especially if we are considering a future together I need him to be healthy for himself first and foremost. But also for my daughter. She has already lost one father, she doesn't need to loose another.

Even if he lost 50 lbs, I think it would benefit him/us. He says he wants to do this, but it is all talk.

I hope this doesn't sound awful. He is only 35.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks

Tiffany

 
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Old 09-26-2006, 07:57 PM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 648
Fabat40 HB User
Re: I would like some advice...

Quote:
Originally Posted by iluvg1120
Hi there,

I am new to this board. I frequent a few of the other boards. I would like to tell you my story and ask for advice. Please be honest. I don't want this to sound bad.

I am divorced and have a 4 year old daughter. I live with my boyfriend. We have been dating for a year and a half and living together for a year.

My ex-husband was very mentally abusive. Even after we were divorced. He just was not a nice person. I had to keep in contact with him because of my daughter. At any rate, on August 11 he committed suicide.

My daughter is closer to my boyfriend, John, than she was to my ex. Since this happened, he has talked about adopting her, just throwing it out there. Of course, many things would have to happen before that, like marriage, etc.

So now getting to the point. He is the sweetest guy in the world. He treats us wonderful. I love him very much. However, there is one thing that bothers me. He is about 100 lbs overweight. He has gained over the past year also. Of course, I fell in love with him for who he is. But, especially if we are considering a future together I need him to be healthy for himself first and foremost. But also for my daughter. She has already lost one father, she doesn't need to loose another.

Even if he lost 50 lbs, I think it would benefit him/us. He says he wants to do this, but it is all talk.

I hope this doesn't sound awful. He is only 35.

Please let me know what you think. Thanks

Tiffany

Dear Tiffany,

I'm sorry for your lost.
Talk to your boyfriend and tell him about your concerns. Tell him just like you told us here how you don't want your daughter to go thru another trauma, loosing another father.

Even though your daughter is young, the emotional lost of someone significant like her father will remain with her. I remember when I lost my favourite Uncle in a motorcycle accident, I was only 5 years old. He and I were so close because we played together almost everyday after school. The memory of him is still ingrained in my memory till this day, eternally young and happy. I remember the day when my Aunt told us kids that her brother died in an accident, my heart broke into millions of pieces. I didn't eat for about a week and I couldn't utter a word until his funeral.

Sit your boyfriend down and tell him how much you love him... you love him enough to worry.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 01:15 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 47
iluvg1120 HB User
Re: I would like some advice...

Thank you for your post.

I know it just sounds awful. But I have to think logically. His weight also affects our sex life because he says he has no sex drive because he is 35 and overweight.

Am I wrong to want him to make a lifestyle change?

Please help! Thanks.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 01:31 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,105
tnmomofive HB User
Re: I would like some advice...

I do not think your wrong 100 lbs of extra weight is alot and obviously not healthy for anyone.Also as far as sex goes well to me that is up there near the top of the list in a relationship.I could see if this was something your b/f could not do a thing about but of course he could.I would just talk to him try not come off harsh though make sure you are eating healthy and exercising so he has a good example and maybe ask him to go to a gym with you or take walks.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:11 PM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 265
BetsyJean HB User
Re: I would like some advice...

Quote:
Originally Posted by iluvg1120
Am I wrong to want him to make a lifestyle change?
You're not wrong to want him to change - as long as you realize that you cannot MAKE him change.

I had a friend who was bulimic. She met her husband while she was at her "low" weight. After they'd been married for several years she slowly worked back up to her "high" weight - which was morbidly obese (or 100+ lbs over ideal weight).

So, there he was - and that's where you could still be years from now even if your guy managed to lose weight now.

HE has to want to make the change. He has to be the one to make it. You would need to accept & love him JUST AS HE IS in order to make it work....

 
Old 09-28-2006, 03:35 PM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 47
iluvg1120 HB User
Re: I would like some advice...

Thanks Betsy Jean,

I do love him for who he is. However if he doesn't loose weight I can't say that I would stick around. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don't know.

It is going to affect his health. It already affects our sex life, etc.

I am going to speak to him about it. I do think though he isn't ready to do it. You are right, he has to do it. What happens if he says something to the effect "you should love me for who I am" etc? Which I am pretty sure that is what he will say. What then?

I don't want to change him. I just want him to be healthy and for us to have a great sex life, etc.

Please help
Tiffany

 
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