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Old 09-27-2006, 11:41 AM   #1
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Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Would love anyone's opinion on this situation because it's eating me up. In July, my husband of 18 yrs. had an ex-girlfriend from high school contact him through classmates.com. I have no problem with occasion e-mails i.e. once a month, every couple months. However, this e-mailing has spiraled out of control, they call it, "Catching up" and write a few paragraphs about their lives from high school on each e-mail. This goes on a few times a week and he even sent e-mail from our hotel room on a family vacation with a picture of our destination. This was very hurtful and showed that he has disrespect for me. She is divorcing her husband soon and knows he is a married man. I have spoken on "numerous" occasions about this situation with him. He emailed her telling her that the frequency of their e-mails upsets me. So, instead of daily e-mailing, it is about 1 to 2 times weekly now. Still upsetting. I even took matters into my own hands yesterday by e-mailing this woman myself telling her the things my husband has hidden from me with their e-mails. I have not received any response back as of yet from her. (By the way, my husband has changed his e-mail and password to another computer to keep me from reading it). This to me is very secretive. He says they are only old friends. I also admit that it was invasion of his privacy to read his e-mails, but he shouldn't have to hide things from me when we are (somewhat happily) married... What should I do?

Deane

 
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Old 09-27-2006, 11:47 AM   #2
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beaka_sue HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

hey girl. If he is changing everything around. There is definitely something going on. If there wasn't he wouldn't be so secretive. Think about it. Trust me I know he is up to something. If she is getting a divorce....then that is why she is emailing him...bringing up old memories and such. She is trying to get him to remember how good it was with hopes of getting him back. I would be finding out any info you can.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 12:22 PM   #3
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Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

He is being disrespectful and secretive. I don't know how wise it was for you to email this woman, because it may make you look possessive. Also, I doubt she cares too much about your feelings if she's going after your husband. But what's done is done...and he is your husband so you have a right to be possessive.

If you were not married, I would say walk away from him -- because he would probably realize what he was losing, and give this woman up right away. The problem is that you're married and have a family with him, so just leaving isn't an option.

However, I would advise you not to go snooping around, because that will make him trust you less, and you may just push him away. Sit down with him and tell him very firmly that this makes you uncomfortable -- I know you've done this before, but make it clear how disrespectful it is. It may have started innocently enough, but now you are getting into very uncomfortable territory.

People get divorced all the time, if he's going to disrespect your marriage, let him know you're not afraid of leaving him. I'm not saying file for divorce right now, but let him know he'll end up losing you if he pursues this woman.

I really don't like the way he's treating you. I think you need to be more assertive with him.

Good luck and best wishes,
Mirabelle

 
Old 09-27-2006, 03:41 PM   #4
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brook65 HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Hi I think that your instincts are telling you something is not right.

When reading your post, I also felt the red flags to.

The thing is, I would bet that if she wasn't about to get divorced, and was happy in a marraige, I could bet you she wouldn't be in contact with your husband.

It seems that she is looking for male attention, due to probably a low self esteem at the moment. Your husband is obviously enjoying the attention she is giving him, and enjoying the fact that he is the person she has choosen to confide in.

They are both being selfish, she is thinking of herself only, and he is not considering your feelings here, as he is enjoying the attention he is getting.

Now he has changed passwords etc, that is totally unfair, you are not his mother, your his wife, and she is another soon to be single woman.

I think you are right to be concerned. He is being totally thoughtless and playing with fire.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 03:58 PM   #5
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keepsgoin HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Yes, he is PLAYING WITH FIRE!!!!! She is an OLD GIRLFRIEND! Not an old friend...it's that simple! Now he's keeping you from seeing what they are talking about. Very suspicious. I'd give him an ultimatum...stop talking to her or else. If he doesn't, there will more than likely be an affair or worse! Does she live nearby...they may already be having an affair! The problem here is that if they weren't talking inappropriately and there wasn't something up...he wouldn't care if you read everything they said to eachother!!!!!
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Last edited by keepsgoin; 09-27-2006 at 03:59 PM.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 04:20 PM   #6
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tnmomofive HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I agree with all the responces so far I was reading and just shaking my head saying yes...yes.Really if there was'nt anything going on between them OR a possibility of something going on then your husband would not try to hide a thing.Matter of fact if he had no wrong intentions along with letting you read the e-mails he would probably encourage you to have a friendship with this woman too.I think he would be doing everything in his power to prove to you there was nothing going on between them and he had no intentions of anything either.I really think he is being very insensitive of your feelings he is being very selfish.I think he should stop the contact with this woman because it bothers you so much and hes being secrative about it all now because you told him how upset it was making you.I dunno I just see this causing major problems and possibly him cheating if the contact is'nt stopped with this woman.Think about it he suddenly got all secrative making sure will not see the e-mails something is up totally.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 04:21 PM   #7
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tnmomofive HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I agree with all the responces so far I was reading and just shaking my head saying yes...yes.Really if there was'nt anything going on between them OR a possibility of something going on then your husband would not try to hide a thing.Matter of fact if he had no wrong intentions along with letting you read the e-mails he would probably encourage you to have a friendship with this woman too.I think he would be doing everything in his power to prove to you there was nothing going on between them and he had no intentions of anything either.I really think he is being very insensitive of your feelings he is being very selfish.I think he should stop the contact with this woman because it bothers you so much and hes being secrative about it all now because you told him how upset it was making you.I dunno I just see this causing major problems and possibly him cheating if the contact is'nt stopped with this woman.Think about it he suddenly got all secrative making sure you will not see the e-mails and he basically brushes your feelings off like a bug on his shoulder something is up totally.

 
Old 09-27-2006, 05:05 PM   #8
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BetsyJean HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

It's all about boundries my fellow HealthBoarders.
Why on earth don't we feel comfortable enforcing our wedding vows for pete's sake??
Remember the part about "forsaking all others"??? I have always kiddingly told my husband that I'd annihilate him and any woman he ever thought to take up with.
Possessive is MORE than Ok in a marriage. I don't know about an ultimatum - some men just don't react well to the actual act of being given one. BUT - the words
We are married
You are my husband
Husband do not contact ex-girlfriends

should certainly be in your vocabulary. We've gone from having a marriage be a relationship between two people to being afraid to insist that it be exclusive.
Insist!!!

 
Old 09-27-2006, 06:59 PM   #9
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tertree HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I would put my foot down and say no more emails!! No more contact etc., Ask him if the roles were reversed how would he feel? He is having an online affair with this woman and unless you want to sit back and watch her win then id stop it now! They have caught up enough to know where each other is in life and now its time to move on. He is married and he needs to remember that.

 
Old 09-28-2006, 05:46 AM   #10
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kayleighsmom HB User
Thumbs down Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Listen... please! I was in your shoes a little over 2 years ago, the exact same thing. I encouraged my husband to "catch up" and it bit me in the *** big time. They even went to dinner 2xs with my blessing. How stupid was I? Our marriage has been in trouble since. I won't go into details, but put an end to it ANY WAY YOU CAN! And immediately! Please don't make the same mistake I made.

 
Old 09-28-2006, 07:02 AM   #11
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bulletproof HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Since there doesn't seem to be much you can do in the way of controlling your husband, you can work on your own relationship with him and the lack of trust. Because that's basically what this boils down to. Nobody can break up a marriage- the marriage has to be broken from within first. Trying to tell him to stop, reading his e-mails- it hasn't worked up until this point because it's not going to work. Making this woman forbidden is going to make her that much more appealing. I would think that if any of this was started with bad intentions, your husband wouldn't have even told you it was going on at all.

It may be time to change your approach, because what you've done so far has only served to make him more secretive. Doesn't mean he's right, but these are the facts of the situation. If the real question here is how do you make things right again, then I would say back way off. Let him wonder what you might be doing or what's going on in your life while he's busy e-mailing.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 08:29 PM   #12
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indychris HB User
Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I feel for you and I think he must have some feelings for this lady and you might think about separating and let things play out or you will both wonder about your feelings forever. indychris

 
Old 10-02-2006, 10:06 PM   #13
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Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I am new to this site as of today and posted my own question that also touched on this. Now let me tell you more detail on my own experience with this. I was married 8 years, dated my e on and off for 7 years before. After our second child, my ex started to act differently..We argued over things we would have never argued about before, the frequency of sex declined and she was spending time on the computer at unusual times, and she would go out to the store more frequently and she seemed to care less about me and my feelings. I always asked her if everything was alright because all of this was happening, she blamed it all on me saying I was working too much...mu work schedule has always been the same. Where am I going with this? I obtained phone records...I was shocked that there were phone calls being made to the same number consistantly..I knew something was up. The next time she said she was going out to the store in the evening (she was a stay at home mom and home all day, maybe could have gone to the store then instead of when I was at home) While knowing she was getting ready to leave, I did something underhanded but at the time I felt necessary. I picked up the phone, called my brother who lived very close by. Asked him to do me a favor and follow her. She left, he followed. 20 minutes later, he calls me. I asked what happened...He said the good news is I didn't lose her, the bad news is she pulled into this hotel at so and so. I was floored. She thought she was sneeky, I had to be too. I did a search on the phone number she called very often. The search revealed a small business name. I did a business name search on my state's secretary of state web site. FYI, that will give you the registered names and addresses of the principal owners. STAY WITH ME HERE I then called the hotel and asked if I could have Mr. So and So's room please..Expecting to hear no such person here, instead, the operator told me one minute please, He is in room 274, I'll connect you. I couldn't believe it...Now I new this info. I met my ex through my sister. I called her to tell her of my problems and for some advice. When I told her this guy's name she said, Oh my god, I know that name! That is a guy she went to school with and dated before you! I kept it together and asked her over the next few days if everything was okay and if there is anything she would like to rtalk about because I was upset we were having problems. I told hew we had 2 beatiful children and no matter what our problems were that we could work it out as long as we could discuss anything that was going on, and that maybe we could consider counceling. We went, she did not like it and continued to blame the simplest problems on me, that it was not anything wrong with her. I then took the stand with her that I was suspicious in her behavior but didn't mention details I already knew. She ignored me. The next time she said she was going to the store, I again called my brother. But this time instead of asking him to follow her, I asked him to come right over and watch my kids. He waited in his car half the block dowm. When she pulled out the drive way and went left, I bolted out the door into my car and headed right instrad to avoid a light and headed toward a mapquest observed short cut where I had a chance of many less stop lights and the use of the highway. My brother went into the house and watched the kids and I beat her to the hotel. As she waited to turn into the hotel parking lot, I had already been there for anout 2 minutes. I waited for her to exit her car and then exited mine. She must have heard foot steps behind her and she turned around and just froze as she saw me walking up to her. I said "Hey, what a coincodence meeting you here, are you here to see Vince Cl-----e? That's funny, me too, he is in room 274 and waiting for you! Would you like me to join you or do you want to visit with him first and tell me all about it when you get home later? I then turned around and left to go back home.

Okay, what does this have to do with your problem with your husbands emails? After all was said and done, and after the emails were retrieved fom the computer, My ex too began communication with this old boyfriend through classmates.com. The beginning emails started with innocent laughs and reminissing old high school times, then more into other things and flirting and then, "let's meet for coffee, then let's meet here. Today we are divorced with 2 kids. His wife dumped him too. They married each other to try to save face and because my ex and I now get along well for the sake of the kids, she admits that she is miserable and apologized to me numerous times. They are having problems trusting each other now, because he knows that she cheated on me to be with him, he cheated on his wife to be with her, the courting and honeymoon is over as they have been married for 2 years and she complains to me now that he works too much as she said to him before about me.

My advice to you, If you want to know the real reason why he is contacting her, be a little smarter. Also, if ther were such good friends, why did they not stay in contact all of those instead of making new contact again and are still going at it. I think your ralationship is in trouble, especially after he changedd his email address and password. I think you have every right to be suspicious and if he refuses to permentally stop, you should not feel guilty about snooping and take the proactive way to try to save your marriage with perhaps councelling before it's to late and he eventually crosses the line with her and destroy's your truct. 18 years is a long time to be married. Maybe there is something he is missing or no longer present in your relationship that he sees in her. After 18 years, he also owes you a better explaination about his behavior and his refusing to stop. Thanks classmates.com for making it so easy to dig up old fossils so easy that should have remained burried and forgotten....I truly wish you luck and strength to try to work this out.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 11:28 PM   #14
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Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

I had the same problem. My fiance was on classmates.com, and low and behold this girl from his high school who had a crush on him and visa versa, but never did anything contacted him.

Well she lives two states away, but first it was catching up and remembering the good ol days. Then she got his number to talk. I was ok with this, old friend, sure why not. But she called 10 times in one day. I was like uh.. that is strange. But not only did she do it one day but everyday she would call, and he would not pick up because he was busy, and she would not call at night because he said he had a gf.

The problem is she confessed she still loved him, and has been trying to find him for 8 years!!!!!!!! She said she cannot live without him and life is not worth living unless she is with him. He got angry at her for doing that and playing with his head when he is in a relationship but he still talked to her, because she apologized. THEN... she asked him to leave me!! But get this.. she was living with her 2 childrens' father, NOT married of course since she was in search of my dearest. But she made this guy believe that they would marry some day.. maybe on kid 5.... but eventually it all stopped. He told her to f*** off. and not to contact him and tell him to leave me, or to visit him or him visit her. He said you know this is messed up. If you cared so much you would have gotten in contact with me years ago. You would not have gone and had two kids with someone else and then leave him and expect me to raise someone elses kids.

He was right, but I did not think the wh*r* deserved any explanation. I said in the background once, what does the **** want. She was like ooh your gf is certainly moody. Man believe me this was a LONG 5 months. I was going to leave if he did not stop talking to this woman. She CARED NOTHING for my feelings, she could have cared less if I was hit by a car. All she wanted was him, and if I had emailed her it would have given her more fire power to steal him away. Plus then he would have trusted me less. The only difference here is that he never changed his password, and he never hid anything from me, he showed me some emails or told me of some phone calls.... but not all of them.. which bothered me too.

I would see if you could pull the plug on this. This woman is most likely up to NO good and your husband seems to be enjoying the attention like my fiance did. A little too much, maybe he will see through her like my honey did, or maybe he is just as much to blame.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 07:18 AM   #15
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Re: Husband e-mailing ex-girlfriend from high school...

Citigirl...be sure to read these last two posts...kinda long but worth the read....this is the way these innocent reunions often times end up! What needsadvice did could be a little bit dangerous confronting the situation like he did...I have to agree that you have got to know the truth. You know when your SO is acting weird and when things are out of sorts. You can never believe their reply(denials) when you ask them if they are having an affair...they will deny it to the bitter end! People will even deny when caught and make up some crazy story and expect the partner to buy it! Don't be afraid to go poking around...it's your life they are messing with!
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