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Old 09-27-2006, 09:57 PM   #1
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QweenyBluEyes HB User
Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

I'm 19 years old, and married almost 2 months ago and I am so sick and tired of looking after the house day after day, running a business, waking up at 4:30 am to go to work, making my husband's lunch everyday even if I am completely exhausted, on top of that I barely have time to take care of myself. I don't have time to workout nearly as much as I used to. I did it almost everyday. Now I do it maybe once or twice a week and I am starting to eat junk like crazy because I am so stressed out. I tried talking to him tonight but he tries to make a joke out of everything I say. I tell him my goals and what I want to do and ask if he will be supportive but he just laughs at me. When my husband and I are at the house on our day off all he wants to do is sit around and watch football. Or if there is a mess around the house he has not bothered to clean it. The only thing he has done in this house is washed laundry because he NEEDED clean clothes for work the next day and did the dishes a COUPLE times. I've talked to him many many times and I CANNOT HANDLE IT ANYMORE!!! Help me please.....
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Old 09-28-2006, 03:32 AM   #2
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KeltoKel HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

Oh, I remember those first few month of living together with my partner (now hubby). It was tough. You will learn a lot about communication right now.

What I have noticed with my hubby is that I need to say, "Honey, I need your help for the next 20 minutes with this....."

Things will sit, dishes will never get done, rugs will never get vacuumed, etc. unless I ask for his help. Many men just don't take initative when it comes to these things. I don't know if it just doesn't register with them that it needs to be done, or if they are truly ignorning it. Either way, learn to ask for help. See where that gets you.

Good luck! The first few months or years after getting married or living together can be quite a learning experience.

 
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Old 09-28-2006, 10:26 AM   #3
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*Spaz* HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

Oh yeah, starting to live with someone takes a lot of energy. You need to talk to him about taking some of the load. You are not married to him to be his slave.
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Old 09-28-2006, 10:48 AM   #4
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browneyed-babe HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

Welcome to marriage...just kidding. I think this is a very universal problem. It is true I think that most women do the majority of the housework although there are some pretty helpful husband's out there. Some advice I got from some older women when I got married was "to train them right off the bat". Meaning, don't do everything, ask them to help and tell them what you expect of them.

At our house I do the cooking because my husband really sucks at cooking (he will cook the odd time but it is usually spaghetti or french fries and wings) and then he does the dishes. He does all the yard work and puts out the garbage and recycle. I do the laundry most times although he does it sometimes, I prefer to do it as he tries to mix his undies in with my dishtowels, yuk! I do all the cleaning other than that so I can relate to you.

As for my husband's lunch - he is a grown man - so, he makes his own! He likes to because he knows what he wants in it. Usually the night before we make extra for supper so he can take it in his lunch. I don't get up and make him breakfast either, again, he is a grown man and capable of making his breakfast. My husband is up 3hrs before I get up so there is no way I am getting up that early nor would I expect that of him if I have to get up.

I made my husband go grocery shopping with me on the weekend (I usually do the shopping myself) - it was an eye opener for him as I got way more things for the money than he did when he went the week before for just slightly more money and he realizes the time it takes to do it all.

Stop wearing yourself down and start making him do some things for himself. He is fully capable of doing things on his own. Tell him what you expect from him. Leave things undone if you have to. When he gets tired of living in a mess he might get off his a**.

 
Old 09-28-2006, 12:16 PM   #5
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by QweenyBluEyes
I'm 19 years old, I tell him my goals and what I want to do and ask if he will be supportive but he just laughs at me.
This comment scares me. I think this needs a much more serious discussion. The other posters are right -- your grips about housework are common and expected -- but I do think your husband should be supportive of your goals.

What are your goals? I'm curious to know.

And, was he aware of your goals before you got married? I would assume that you did talk to your life partner about your life goals before you made a life long committment.

And, do you have any children?

 
Old 09-28-2006, 03:55 PM   #6
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QweenyBluEyes HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

minnesotagirl, first of all no I do not have any children. That would not be a good situation right now! I have goals, not really the business type of goals but more along the lines of my physical well being. I do not have the highest confidence, so one thing is to improve that and make myself feel a little better about myself. Such as making the home a little bit more liveable, because a clean house always make me feels so much better and getting in shape and eating healthier. Some people may not see it as a big deal. Although some people do not know what it is like to lack confidence. As far as him laughing at my goals, I have not felt any support or encouragement from him and it makes me feel as though my feelings do not matter and that he comes first. What I want gets put aside.

Although you should know that our relationship is good and I love him very much, I just need advice how to deal with this and my frustration!

Maybe I should have him read this? Maybe he'll get the point about what I say and that I'm being serious?
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Old 09-28-2006, 05:03 PM   #7
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KeltoKel HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

I wouldn't let him read this. He might get upset that you are posting your dirty laundry on the health boards - even if no one knows who you are. I think you should try to talk to him first.

Seriously, you need to find the right way to ask him. I read that Ken Grey book years ago, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus." I learned SO MUCH about communication and how men and women differ.

Take some advice - learn to just ask for help - "hun, can you help me with this...???" This always works for me. My hubby doesn't take initiative with most things - I always have to ask. It used to annoy me, but I learned this is what works.

 
Old 09-29-2006, 09:32 AM   #8
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*Spaz* HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

The putting what your goals aside thing isnt good. It's like he doesnt take you seriously? Communication is the key, which is hard in the begining.

Talk about the situation openly and calmly with each other. Explain what that situation is to you, and how they feel about it. Then, have your partner do the same.
.


Here is an example I found

If the issue is that you don't feel you are sharing the workload around the house, your compromise could be: "If you do the dishes, I'll cook dinner."


Which I realize in my relationship that's how it works. Whoever cooks doesnt have to do the dishes. If I do laundry I usually don't have to fold it unless there is a backlog and a ton of it. He takes care of the cars, and I take care of our room and the living room.
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"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded"

 
Old 09-29-2006, 09:38 AM   #9
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galinaqt HB User
Re: Newlywed - Annoyed and frustrated wife.

Adjusting period is hard. I think you should certainly discuss with him sharing of responsobilities. He hates shopping, I like shopping so I am the one who is doing weekly shopping. He is doing loundry, I am helping with it sometimes. He didn't do it right before. I've tought him. He doesn't fold it any good but I had to put up with it. I am doing cooking twice a week, he normally doing once. He makes his own breakfast of course. I don't see the reason why your husband can't.
My husband was 40+ when we was married and he had used to live certain way and I had to adjust to it.
It made me mad when my husband discuss issue with shrink and then told me her opinion without first talking to me. I suggest you not to tell your dh that you discussed it somewhere.

 
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