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Old 09-28-2006, 10:35 AM   #1
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Am I just Paranoid?!

Does anyone else agree with me that it is unappropriate (spelling) for my boyfriend's ex to say "I love you" to him at the end of their phone calls? (they are still friends, and i have no problem with that) He says ditto back.

He tells me he's tried previously (before we were even a couple) to talk to her about it. But she still says it, and actually gets annoyed when he doesn't say it back! It's one thing to care about her and "love" her as a friend... but he better not be saying "I love you" to her!

Am I "right" for having a problem with this?!!? Neither of them seem to see the same problem that I see. I've been cheated on, lied to and manipulated before.. so I know I have trust issues and even slight paranoia.. but come on!! To me, the phrase "I love you" should not be used lightly.

How can I help him uderstand my point of view??

 
Old 09-28-2006, 11:53 AM   #2
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Yes, that would really bother me. I actually wouldn't stand for that, unless, maybe, if there were some sort of special circumstances. However, I don't think his ex should have any right to be upset if your bf doesn't do what she tells him to do. What were the circumstances of their relationship --- how long did it last, how long ago did it end? And, just wondering, how old are you all?

And also, how long have you and your boyfriend been together? How serious is it?

I would tell your boyfriend that you are being very reasonable by being secure enough to not be bothered by his friendship with his ex. But, the constant "I love you's" are typically a phrase used only by family members and those involved romantically. I think for me, if it continued, it would be a dealbreaker. I think any other girl would feel the same, so if he is going to want to have a serious relationship with someone, he is going to have to tell his ex that the I love yous are inappropriate.

 
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Old 09-28-2006, 11:58 AM   #3
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Well, JMO but I think most people would have a problem with that. His ex-girlfriend is clearly not over him, and that is dangerous. I'd ask him why he'd bother to go out and get a new girlfriend when he can't even let go of his old one. That isn't fair to you at all.

I think the only way to get him to see how you feel is by taking action. You tried talking to him and that didn't do anything. So leave. Make him choose. Tell him you don't put up with that kind of crap. And you shouldn't. I think if he really cares about you then it will be a reality check for him. It sounds like they talk on the phone fairly often...why did they even break up in the first place?

You deserve better than that...so don't hang around and take it.
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Old 09-29-2006, 04:46 AM   #4
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
You tried talking to him and that didn't do anything. So leave. Make him choose.
I dunno... I think it's a pretty bad situation, but not enough to leave. I only think this because your boyfriend appears to be aware of the problem and has tried talking to her about it before.

If it were me... I'd sit down with my boyfriend and say you feel uncomfortable with him being friends with her while she's still apparently hung up on him. Tell him you find it unacceptable and you'd appreciate it if he let the friendship rest for a while until the ex respects you enough to stop saying "i love you". If he disagrees, that's a different story...

 
Old 09-29-2006, 04:58 AM   #5
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Well I can see your point. It kinda devalues the words 'I love you' abit doesn't it.


For instance, when he tells you he loves you, that should be special, for you as a partner. But he says the same to his ex! so how does he differentiate between the two?

It sounds like he is still under his ex's thumb abit, she says I love you to him, and gets upset if he doesn't say it back, so he does to keep HER happy. But on the otherhand, YOU are unhappy because he says it back to her, but he chooses her feelings over yours it seems, when it should be your feelings that should take priority here, and should be taken into account over hers.

So personally I have to agree with you here.

 
Old 09-29-2006, 07:55 AM   #6
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Thank you to all that have replied so far.. and for backing me up!!

I'm 23, he's 21 and she's about 20. They have been broken up for over 3 years, and went out for about a year. Him and I are only going on 7 months.

His only real arguements are that she means it as a friend, and that he doesn't want to deal with the confrontation. To that I let him know he was either going to have to deal with confronting her, or me confronting him.. or her if i have to!!

He says he understands and agrees that its uncalled for on her part, and that he should once again talk to her about it.. he just doesn't want to deal with her b****ing about it.. which i say is horsesh*t!!

I tried telling him that girls and guys think very differently about things, and he doesn't believe me when I say she's still hung up on him. Ugh! Guys!!

He recently told her that I didn't like that she says it. Of course now I'm the "crazy jealous girlfriend" and shes still the good friend! Grr.. But the true test now.. if she really does just love him as a friend, then she'll have the respect for him, and me, not to say it now that she knows how i feel. If she still does... then she's still an ex who can't move on.. and I may have to step in a say something myself!!

Thanks agian.. venting is helpful, and so are outside oppinions!

 
Old 09-29-2006, 08:07 AM   #7
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by jen52983
He recently told her that I didn't like that she says it. Of course now I'm the "crazy jealous girlfriend" and shes still the good friend! Grr.. But the true test now.. if she really does just love him as a friend, then she'll have the respect for him, and me, not to say it now that she knows how i feel. If she still does... then she's still an ex who can't move on.. and I may have to step in a say something myself!!
This is a very good point. If she loved him only as a friend, out of respect for her friendship and for her friend's new love, she would stop saying it if it bothered you.

I definately don't think you're the crazy jealous girlfriend -- I think it is more than she's the crazy ex who can't move on -- but I suppose if she stops insisting that 'I love you' is a part of her friendship with your man, then you don't have much to worry about. The fact that they need to continue a friendship to me seems a bit odd, and his loyalties should reside with you.

I also think that if they were just friends and that was their only intention, that she would want to develop a friendship with you as well. Strictly platonic guy and girl friend relationships are kind of like brother and sister relationships, and usually a sister wants to get to know her brother's new woman.

I was a bit jealous of my BF's one good gal pal during the first year of our relationship. While they had never been romantically involved, you could tell they did (and still do) care about each other. And they had known each other since 5th grade. I think she could sense I was a bit worried and what happened was she started to ask me to go do things with her -- just the two of us, girl things. And today, we hang out and talk more than her and my BF, and I'm going to be in her wedding next year (so is my BF). That is how a healthy friendship should be. Oh, and they don't say 'I love you' to each other, even though I know there is a friend-love there.

 
Old 09-29-2006, 08:13 AM   #8
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

I think this is extremely inappropriate and wouldn't fly for one second in my relationship...no way in heck!!!! If she is still in love with him then HE needs to end this relationship with her so she can move on and find herself a man and not your man!
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Old 09-29-2006, 11:49 AM   #9
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Why is he so whipped by this girl? Why can't he stand up to her? It sounds like she may have lost a few too many balls in the high weeds, this one. He really thinks she'll completely flip out if he doesn't tell her "I love you" at the end of their phone conversations? Where is she calling from, Bellevue?

Doesn't sound like a simple "friendly" thing to me at all. On the other hand, they are both still young and drama-prone that way. If he has really asked her to stop, and yet she refuses, then why does he still talk to her? Either he's a giant pansy, or else he rather enjoys the fact that she is still hanging onto him.

I mean, do you really enjoy dealing with this kind of crap? I'm 23 too and I know I'm way beyond all of that silly stuff. From the sounds of it, his loony tunes ex isn't leaving the picture anytime soon. The two of them are still way too involved with each other. I think you need somebody a little older, and sans ex-girlfriend drama.
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Old 09-29-2006, 02:41 PM   #10
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Oh you are so not the crazy girlfriend! They are both being completely disrespectful and rude to you but triple shame on him because he is the only one that owes you the respect. I would be absolutely furious. This girl knows exactly what she is doing. She has obviously not moved on from him. I have plenty of male friends and don't have to say "I love you" before I get off the phone with them. The only people I say "I love you" to at the end of a phone conversation are my fiance and sometimes my mom. They are BOTH acting extremely inappropriately. He needs to stop now. How dare he even say ditto to her? My ex-boyfriend recently sent me an email saying that he misses me and wants to be friends and said he loved me and all I could think of is how sorry I feel for his current gf because that is an inappropriate thing to say to somebody else when you are in a relationship. Put your foot down; you are not "crazy" or unreasonable. Not by a long shot. I would have done thrown a fit a long time ago!

 
Old 09-29-2006, 02:53 PM   #11
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Agree it is just sooooo wrong for your b/f to be carrying on this way with the ex g/f.I would absolutely not tolerate this at all noway it would bother me very deeply.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 07:08 AM   #12
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Re: Am I just Paranoid?!

Thank you again to all who posted. You're all totally right. He's still away visiting friends and family.. so I have to wait till he's back to actually talk to him again about it. Unforunately it's eating me up insides just constantly thinking about it!!

But it's defintely not something I'm going to let slide. I feel too strongly about it to just brush it off.

Thanks again.

 
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