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"ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

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Old 09-30-2006, 02:06 PM   #1
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"ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

don't know where to start from again but I could do with some advice.

Don't want to disappoint people who have been giving me great advice (esp Eve) or myself, but I have had my ex staying here for the last few days, and not sure till when. I was so upset and needed to talk to him, and he's the only one that I would trust in this matter. But also I missed him. We have been sleeping in the same bed together (again) but not having any sex at all, not even kissed! I am too tense that I have fallen asleep with my jeans and t-shirt on, for two nights on the run.

My biggest worries started two days ago, one of the bosses at work had a private word with me and warned me that this SOB, the guy who was trying to cause me trouble about work leaving hours, has told him and some others that he was going to ring my university and tell my PhD supervisor that I have a job, when I told him once that my supervisor advised me to concentrate on writing up only for the time being. My supervisor is a great person, and has actually recommended me for a research assistant post at the university for a future project but I told him that I was going to leave work for a while as he was concerned about the very short time left for me to finish off my PhD, (by December this year). Another woman at work told me that he has been exposing my personal life in front of them all.The very annoying thing is that he is two-faced. He apologised two weeks ago and tried to pretend that he was friendly, and now he's doing this thinking that he can hurt me seriously. I mean he knows how much I love my supervisor, but also how badly I need my wages to pay my rent (more than 70% of it goes on rent alone, he knows that).

To make things worse, I received many bills this moring and this doesn't leave me with any choice but to keep the job, given that my grant is paid every 4 months only, not regularly and not at certain dates. So I started my Saturday with a horrible mood and severe anxiety, and took it all out on Dave (AGAIN). He has been nothing but supportive of me over last few days, and I feel so guilty. I have even had a very bad temper outburst this morning in a cafe, went on to outrageously criticise him and his family for no immediate reason, I even went mad when he said that he's arranged something special for my birthday, told him that I didn't appreciate anything he did because he always made me pay for good times off my nerves, then became so uncontrollably tearful in front of people and made a scene of myself. I hurt him soo much. To ease the tension, I got a bottle of wine ( haven't had a drink in months) but not quite sure this was sensible. So I feel even more guilty. I was just hoping that we can have some relaxed night and talk like friends but I haven't dared to open it yet.

I am in work tomorrow and I don't know how to handle seeing this sc-m. I could tell him that I am going to put a "formal" complaint against him for downloading porn in front of me in the office (he's a manager himself but many people would back me up because they saw that), and for deleting my email to my boss from my boss's pc, and for saying he wanted to see me high on drugs ( I even still have messages from him inviting me over which I always rejected), but I am dead worried that he might mess it up for me in the university. He might still do anyway because I KNOW he is so spiteful, to everyone btw.

Advice please on any of the above issues? I have never felt so loaded with pressure in my entire life. And I am overwhelmed with stress and worry.

Last edited by Nina000; 09-30-2006 at 03:39 PM.

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Old 09-30-2006, 03:44 PM   #2
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Destea HB User
Re: "ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

This is a pretty rough one. The only thing I can really say, is that having your ex stay with you is only making this already difficult time worse than it has to be. You're kind of choosing this added stress for yourself. Cut the guy loose, for good. There is NOTHING beneficial having him stay with you, only harmful.

Old 09-30-2006, 04:08 PM   #3
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foggymist HB User
Re: "ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

im new here but i agree with the advice the other one gave you.foggymist

Last edited by foggymist; 09-30-2006 at 04:11 PM.

Old 09-30-2006, 04:14 PM   #4
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Re: "ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

Thank you Destea for your reply, yes, I agree that I am putting myself in a more vulnerable position by resorting to my ex, don't know why but maybe because he always had a strong active attitude in support of workers, and also because I admittedly missed him. I just needed to talk to someone that I know would understand. I just feel that I need him as a friend to listen to me. He has always been honest as a friend, not as a lover, but I can't bothered to think about the emotional side of our relationship at the moment. Just don't want to make the same mistakes again of setting guilt traps for myself by being offesive to him, I want us to get on as friends and nothing else.

Old 10-01-2006, 09:41 PM   #5
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bulletproof HB User
Re: "ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

Leaning on your ex right now is not going to help your situation. If anything, it will make it worse. The fact is, there are always going to be hard times in life, and you can't depend on someone else to take the pressure off. It's nice that you want to stay friends with him, but it is way too soon for that to be a feasible situation. You need a considerable amount of time away from him if you are ever to reunite as friends.

As legitimate as the problems may be at work, it sounds a little bit like you are using it as an excuse to keep your ex in your life somehow. And the fact that you want it to be on your terms only (just friends) isn't entirely fair to him, either. Let him move on, and let yourself move on. You have to deal with all the stuff in your own life head on, on your own, with a lot of strength. It's not easy, but what in life is easy?

As far as the situation at work/school goes, at some point you have to take a look around you and say, why does this stuff continually happen? That's not to suggest that it's entirely your fault, but not everyone's life has this amount of strife. Figure out what choices you are making that are bringing you to these crisis points. Concentrate on whatever you need to do to fix the problems and finish your schooling, and focus on nothing else. The last thing you need is an ex staying with you and adding another layer to an already complicated scenario.

Old 10-02-2006, 10:33 AM   #6
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Re: "ex" is staying with me, more pressure at work,what should I do?

BulletProof: Thank you for your reply:
While I have nice sides of my life and positive things that I tremendously appreciate and can write pages about, but this would be irrelevant to these boards. And yes I do often wonder why does this stuff happen? I know it is partly my mistake because I am not as "sociable" as this fella in work expects me to be: I can't laugh, smile, or even feel comfortable when he talks about his company credit cards, nights in hotels getting "legless" and flirting with "chicks", intimidating me every second with his presence, checking exactly what minute I am in and out work. I mean, I just can't take ointerest in anything to do with him, and I guess I don't have to but he doesn't like it. I have been in this job for more than two years and my experience has been nothing but wonderful, and I get on great with everyone, including my boss. The situation is he has got issues and I am the only one in the office to take it out on, although he does get really nasty to everyone else. We have another office in a different city, and there is a new guy there who is young and really polite, but he said that he got the job only because he was someone's brother, then it turned out that he was not related to anyone. Then he went on to the guy's personal website and is planning humiliation big time for him because he mentioned something about staff's "humble" wages, he left no one that he hasn't read that to, I mean so what? He even urged me to put a complaint against this poor man (which I categorically refused) just because he made a mistake. Doesn't that say something about him? And this is only ONE example. Honestly I can go on for few more pages. I wouldn't be bothered but I see him and (only him and my boss) everyday. It is very explosive between me and him now, and yesterday he didn't speak at all to me.

Last edited by Nina000; 10-02-2006 at 10:57 AM.

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