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Old 10-01-2006, 02:22 AM   #1
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lost.soul415 HB User
Lost & Confused...Needing Help

I have been with my wife for 7+ years and been married 4 years. From the beginning I have always pushed her away as well anyone else I have been with in the past because I was always scared of a long-term relationship and I have never been close to anyone. They say if a women wants to see how a man will treat her then see how he treats his mom. I am finding that statement is true in my case because me and my mom have never gotten a long and maybe it's because she's was and is an abusive alcoholic. I am finding my current relationship is similar to the relationship with my mother but not in that sick twisted way. My wife is very verbally abusive and I know I have made her that way. I find it hard going out with my wife to do anything from movies, dinner or even driving together, I feel my blood pressure rises and I get major anxiety. We did seek counseling together and separately but that did not work so we stopped. We don't have a sex life which is okay with me and I will sometimes sleep in another room sad to say.I am very thankful we don't have kids but we do own a house. I think what keeps us together is the financial part and we've grown to get use to each other and insults.
The bottom line is we are both unhappy, have health issues from this relationship and I have attempted to take an early retirement at the age of 29 if you know what I mean but failed. I have never taking so many medications to help me with depression, sleeping and anxiety.
I am scared to be alone but I know I will eventually manage and feel so much better as I did when I was no longer living at home but then we have the house, several bills and etc. I seriously don't know what to do or even how to start. I know if I try to leave she will try to attempt me from leaving by not wanting to sell the house or to buy me out. I know if I try to leave she will start crying and since I have a heart that will make me want to change my mind by feeling bad.
Any suggestions would be nice and thank you in advance.

 
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Old 10-01-2006, 05:56 PM   #2
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Re: Lost & Confused...Needing Help

You have yourself a tough one. Although some may say just leave.. well until you live it.. it is not that simple. I have had some experience in this situation. Same deal.. I was married for 10 years. Only differance is my ex was not abusive. But still we were not happy. We had a house cars no kids. We slept in seperate rooms as well. We to went to counselling...did not help.Well it did for a bit but after it no longer . It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was very afraid to.. of being alone. In a new world so to speak... I had never been alone..I was om meds to for anxiety. But one day I felt it was not fair to me or to him...We talked and I left. He bought me out on the house. I was on my own for the first time ever..I went to counselling for me.. to deal with it all. And I really did not know who I was.. as an individual. I worked on it.. and no it was not easy. I thought there was no way I could do this. But you know.. 3 years later here I am.. still on my own.. I found me... I have my own life he has his... and it has made me stronger as a person. It is hard to leave because you still have so many emotions for the other person. Think about what is right for YOU...Not just because you have a house etc..wrong reason to stay. Your mental health comes first...it will be very hard.. for awhile. I hope you have good freinds and family to support you. Cause you will need them. But it WILL get better.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 08:11 AM   #3
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Re: Lost & Confused...Needing Help

Lost: I feel your pain as I am in the same situation at this time. Only my man verbally abuses me. I had my mind set in we are broke up and he is to save and get a place, then somehow he thought we could work it out. Then last nite that changed ONCE AGAIN. I just had some insecure feelings (I know I need to work on that) but he wouldn't talk he used the cold heart approach and I said this is not helping me right now and he continued to use other "Cold Hearted" words. Of course we both drink, but my feellings started before the first drink. It is hard to give up on something so easily, but I also feel if I can just get him out then everything will be for the best on both of us. So many of us good one's are staying in "bad/unhappy" relationship becasue the fear of finding someone else, when actually we don't need anyone at this time. There is the mind thing we should get straightened out first. Many feel they need to rush to the next and the ex's stay because they can't stand the thought of them with someone else. My situation I do have kids, and it makes it worse. So get out while you DO NOT HAVE KIDS! Good luck, we can't tell you what to do, but fighting/arguing all the time takes a toll on us mentally. Both parties. I want to be done! It is hard to do though, because I feel like I failed and I did everything wrong, but everyone keeps telling me it is him lowering my self esteem which could be very possible. I have none left!
Please talk to me as I would love to listen. I always find I never have anyone to talk to when I am going through my break up.

 
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