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Old 10-02-2006, 01:26 PM   #1
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HELP! I made my fiance cry

I am STRESSED. We went on vacation, and my fiance was in an accident. This accident happened close to where my parents live because we were on vacation, well my father was supposed to come and visit us. Well when the accident happened he should have been there right??????? NOPE. He wanted to bring my mother, of whom we are not speaking to because of all the h8ll she has caused us, and all the grief, and he just being evil I said no. I said "Dad, I want you here, we really need you right now..." Him " I cannot go without your mother.
So the sorry SOB never came in this time where we could have really used his support. How many of you think this is wrong of him? What if I had been in an accident? This my future husband here and HE cannot drive a few hours to come and see him after something so scary. So I am angry with my father, I really do not want anything to do with my immediate family anymore. I do not know what to say what to do NOTHING. I am at a breaking point..

Then because I am stressed, being mad at myself that this accident happened even though I had no control over it, and then I cannot find another job to help him out and pay for the bills, then he said I am getting lazy, because I use to go to school full time and work multiple jobs and now I have no school, no job and I am being driven crazy... I am so sad right now... then I made my fiance cry. I feel so horrible. Recently he got into an accident and I have been helping him get around, and taking care of him. Well he has been frustrated not being able to dress himself completely, which is only temporary, and he gets upset. I have been getting so frustrated lately, and his brother has been getting on my nerves that my fiance got upset while I was trying to help him, and he is like you are not doing that right, and I said "Maybe I should let your brother take care of you then." And he got hurt.

He is on pain medicine and who knows what else. He is unable to even shower himself, I have to do that. So I am pretty sure he is extremely frustrated, he is not one to let others do things for him. He cried on me.... this guy never cries and I made him cry. I feel really bad now. But I love taking care of him. I love him seeing that I love him so much that I would do anything for him. Even shower him, help him in the restroom. Anything he asks of me. I am just so worn out now.

I am frustrated, no job, my parents are immature, I have become lazy, and I know it. I have gained weight and it makes me feel worse... I know my fiance fell in love with a hard worker and I do not know why I am not that way right now. I do not know why. I want to be, but I get in these moods where I do not want to clean ANYthing. I do not know what is wrong with me... ugh..

any one?

Last edited by angel_light; 10-02-2006 at 01:26 PM.

 
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Old 10-02-2006, 01:37 PM   #2
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

Quite often people who are caretakers experience high stress levels. Here are some tips that may help:

1. Reduce your stress with techniques such as deep breathing, yoga or frequent bubble baths.

2. Be realistic. Sometimes you have to set limits on the amount of care you can provide so that you have time for yourself. I know you want to help your fiance as much as possible but you're not helping him by turning your own mental state upside down.

3. If you can, ask for help. Have his brother come over for awhile to help you get other things done. There's nothing wrong with that.

4. Try to help your fiance do as much as he can on his own. He is probably depressed. Helping himself more will give him back a sense of dignity. You might want to talk to his doctor about his depression if he's having more symptoms. The doctor can provide medication that can help; depression is very common when someone has been in an accident. You probably did not make him cry; it was probably from depression and all the of the stress of feeling helpless.

I hope that helps!

 
Old 10-02-2006, 03:10 PM   #3
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

Sounds like you both said things you shouldn't have really, he said sumthin that got to you so you reacted badly n got him bk. It's horrible to see someone you love cry but im sure he's feelin bad too now. Don't be scared to ask for help from his family and maybe it would be worth puttin aside problems with your dad so you at least have someone to fall back on and talk to. I realise your dad has let you down but perhaps there is a situation you dont know about, like your mum sayin he couldnt go unless she went.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 03:22 PM   #4
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

No my parents have both let me down. My mother has put us through H***... and my father is just now standing up to her. I do not believe him anymore he is all talk and my mother is manipulating him.

They call me when they are fighting so I can withness all that junk.. Like I really want to listen to them being mean to eachother anymore. I am tired. I am worn out. I am really close to breaking down.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 03:42 PM   #5
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

Maybe you should be treated for depression. You have very many signs and the stress around you and your family can all make you that way. I temporaily took zoloft for a couple months for anixety and once things were better in my life I stopped, so taking something for depression doesn't mean you have to take it forever.
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Old 10-02-2006, 04:21 PM   #6
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

I agree with maybe there is some depression there angel_light.You have been dealing with alot of drama for qwite some time now with your parents especialy.Maybe seeing a therapist or counselor or even taking meds for short period would be the answer.Also asking your fiances brother to help out sometimes is a good idea.

 
Old 10-02-2006, 10:04 PM   #7
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

Yes, I think there might be something wrong with me... I do not at all want to be loved on, no sex, I do not know why. I loved being loved on, I love sex with my fiance, but even if he tries to initiate, I kinda play it off.. and change the subject. With him injured that is not the problem, because we would figure out a way, it is not a life threatening injury , just an inconvienence... But he still wants to kiss on me... and I just don't feel it... Usually I am the one asking him for it. Now I do not know

I will check with a dr about how I feel but I first need to finish taking care of the issues at hand here.. I just feel helpless right now.

Last edited by angel_light; 10-03-2006 at 01:52 AM.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 12:38 PM   #8
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

Ok, things are better today. The past week has been filled with so much tension and quite a bit of fighting between my fiance and I.

Tell me am I a bad person? My fiance said I have changed, I use to be such a hard worker and now he says I have become lazy, and I know this. I think I might get a job to help out today!! We fought about me not listening to him, I thought he asked me to do something,when he told me he did something, so I went and messed up what he had done, he was upset.

What stinks more is we had a major fight while he is injured. We were on the verge of walking away. Which really stinks. Is this all from stress of him being injured and me being his only caretaker?

We made up later, and things *knock on wood, are getting better. I feel bad about what happened, and I feel it is partly my fault and I have a feeling he thinks so too. It was MY idea to take a vacation to this destination, it was MY idea to do what we were doing. He said he took me because he wanted me to be happy, but he had a bad feeling the entire time. I told him if he has those feelings to tell me and not withhold information like that. I need to know ,because I would have changed our plans, or let him take over. I feel so much guilt thinking if only I had not begged to go there, if only I had not made him go... but he was excited too.

I have had so many strange feelings. I love him, but I am stressed about him, about working, about my life, about my family (of which I have not spoken to since my father called me in the middle of his and my mothers fight). I think if I just ignore them I will feel so much better. Already not talking to them this week has relieved some stress.

Anyways... I will think about things..

 
Old 10-06-2006, 12:54 PM   #9
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

I tried to write a longer post, but frankly I can't. I am so sick to my stomach, literally.

I can't believe you would think, or that your fiance would think, that his accident was in any way, shape, or form YOUR fault. That is just screwed up beyond words.

There is so much I want to say about your fiance and this crap he is pulling, but frankly I'll get banned from the board if I say what I want to say. I doubt you'll listen anyway.

I'm not going to bother.
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Old 10-06-2006, 12:58 PM   #10
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

I would like to hear your opinion... just make sure not to get banned.

I have been mean to him telling him if he does not listen to me that I will leave him by himself without his sling, etc.. lol. I told him I would leave him in the store if he gets attitude too... all in good fun, not seriously until I was at home. He cannot move around unless he has some sort of help. Which stinks to him and me... He get frustrated.. so do I.. but we love one another.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 01:28 PM   #11
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

You are doing all you can to take care of him, and he should be deeply appreciative of that. Nothing less. Instead he has the nerve to call you lazy and fight with you.

It seems like he is almost glad this accident happened so that he could prove to you that he was right and you were wrong. Like, "This is what happens when YOU pick our vacation destination. Next time you'll listen to me!"

He didn't have any "bad feelings" - what a load of bull crap. He's laying this huge guilt trip on you, when instead he should be reassuring you. What kind of person tries to make their fiancee feel bad because THEY got into an accident? A selfish, manipulative one is all I can think of.
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Old 10-06-2006, 01:37 PM   #12
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

ok, first of all, please don't take this the wrong way, angel, because I have read your threads and I think that what your family is putting you through is horrible. Both you and your fiance have been through a lot because of them, and I understand how the tension can sometimes lead to people saying things they don't really mean. Jumping to conclusions that a relationship is doomed and someone is insensitive and disrespectful on a board like this, to me, is not the best idea because we don't know if little things set people off, if words were said in a heated atmosphere, etc.

But, one thing I've been thinking reading your posts is this...why would you plan a vacation at a destination right near where your parents live? After going through all this turmoil with them, wouldn't it have been better to get away from it all and not deal with it? It is almost like you were asking for trouble.

You've focused on the problems with your parents for awhile. Now it's time to focus on your own life, and your fiance, and building your own lives together. Put his feelings and your relationship first. Stop worrying about your parents, they can deal with this on their own.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 03:15 PM   #13
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

GypsyArcher, I know he should appreciate me. No one is going to take care of him like I am.

He does appreciates me, he tells me he does, but sometimes he gets attitude, he was never like that either until this new friend he has had for awhile came into his life. It just annoys me when I am say trying to help him get dressed and he gets upset because his pants are a little low. I say I will fix it, do not get all cranky, he does though. He has apologized after being cranky pants, and he should because he knows I am taking care of him. Same thing when I am helping him bathe, if I am doing it wrong tell me, but do not get all hurt or upset.

About the vacation redsoxgirl. Well we were like 6 hours away from them. It is not like we wanted to be near them, we just wanted to go to a big city that he has never been to. So I decided to take him there. We have already gone EVERYWHERE in California, so the midwest fora vacation sound funny but there are lots of big cities worth visiting. Aka, St. Louis, Chicago, Detroit, etc.

I agree I need to just say to h*ll with my parents and family back there, it is going to ruin the relationship with my fiance, and I know he must get sick and tired of hearing about oh my dad says this, and he is fighting with my mom again. I just need to cut them out of our lives. We need to focus on building our life together, I agree with you redsoxgirl. Thank you for telling me this. You know I knew this in the back of my mind but I never thought about it too much, I just got caught up in all of the drama all of the time. Which is not what we need to do.

The entire thing with his accident, etc. Is that my father SHOULD HAVE shown face. The love of my life got hurt, and it could have been worse. Everyone says he is lucky he lived from the fall, etc. They have no clue how he managed not to get hurt worse than he did. But that is not the point with my father. He had already promised to come and see us for a day and finally return my graduation gifts to me, which was a huge priority to my fiance, because he was tired of my mother holding them hostage. But then this horrible accident happened, and what he cannot go unless my mother goes. Screw that! It is ridiculous. It bothers me, and I know my fiance is now not going to forgive my father for that, and I am not going to ask him to. The thing is, my father asked us for some money, not alot not over 100, so we gave it to him like that. But now we do nt trust him, think he is weak and a hypocrite, etc.

Anyways... I am trying my hardest here.

Last edited by angel_light; 10-06-2006 at 03:17 PM.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 11:34 AM   #14
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Re: HELP! I made my fiance cry

I have to agree with Gypsy on this one. Your fiance is making you walk on egg shells, it seems, and this is not helping you at all to deal with any of the negative pressures that you are facing Angel. I have a feeling that you are SO against your mum and dad, only to center your life around him. Now I understand that they were awful towards you but a good relationship makes you forgive, because it makes you happy.

I know this blame game of "I only did that because you said that". Please let the man be responsible for HIM. You don't have to pamper him. Don't beat yourself up about his accident either. It is NOT your mistake. Ask yourself this, if roles were swapped, will you treat him like that? Will you tell him that he is getting settled in this laid back lifestyle. No, because you care for him. I am sure that pressure does play a role in your tension, but Angel, you are his lover, not his mum and his carer. Don't let him take you for granted and don't give him the upper hand. You deserve all the respect and love from him for what you did for him.

 
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