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Old 10-03-2006, 12:49 AM   #1
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Can't break up... advice?

Hey Guys,

It's been a little while. Anyway, I think it's pretty clear I should break up with my girlfriend. I'm not sure if I even love her anymore. We fight a lot and just can't get along. We've came very close to breaking up several times in the past few months.

However, there were times she wanted and even tried to break up with me but she can't do it. I also can't do it... I just don't have the willpower to break up... She's all I got!!

I have no social life.. I have no friends, etc. Before her, It was just me and my computers... and one close friend I have (whom I no longer have) However, for the past 6-7 months.. I've been spending all my time with her and her friends... I have a big social life with her and her friends/family... and me being social has taken a lot of work and a lot of pain (when we first started dating, I was throwing up all the time)

Now, she is 100% in my life and want's to get married and she supports me in everyway a girlfriend is supposed to and even moreso. However, she has a lot of emotional bagage that I just can't handle well anymore... She's finally getting help, but it's still a lot to deal with. I'm also not sexually attracted to her which is why I don't think I can ever get satified... I always want sex all the time.. It's like I can't get enough.

However, I just can't break up with her...

1. She's all I have.. I have no social life outside of her.
2. I don't want to go back to my old lifestyle.. I don't even think I could handle it. I wouldn't have any friends to support me through the breakup... I've got no one.
3. I don't want to be alone... I'm very scared about that. My dating history has been very bad and I really don't want to go back out again.
4. I'm not sure if I am doing the right thing by breaking up with her or not.

I honestly think if I had friends and a social life.. I wouldn't have a problem with breaking up... but I don't. She is the only person I am able to go places and hang out with... On top of that, My job isn't very social... I work at a desk all day.
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Old 10-03-2006, 01:06 AM   #2
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
I've been spending all my time with her and her friends... I have a big social life with her and her friends/family... and me being social has taken a lot of work and a lot of pain (when we first started dating, I was throwing up all the time)
why was you throwing up?
was it because you was nervous in social situations?

 
Old 10-03-2006, 01:13 AM   #3
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by samb0
why was you throwing up?
was it because you was nervous in social situations?
Well, Yeah.. I am nervous in large groups of people or new people. I was sick for months when we first started dating... holding hands, etc... made me so sick for the longest time. Just the though of us going on a date would make me sick.

I remember when me and her were first dating... I thought I would never get over my sickness and was about to give up on dating just because I couldn't handle being sick all the time... however, I eventually got over it.
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Old 10-03-2006, 07:59 AM   #4
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Well, you have made a lot of progress with her. How long have you been dating her? I had a similar situation, what I did was try to imagine her with someone else romantically. If I could do that without regret, I knew I should break up with her. But if you can't then don't. But give it a true effort. I did this but never gave it much thought, I did break up with her, and months later I am starting to regret it. The other suggestion I have and I think perhaps a little more important would be to focus on you. Remember a saying, if you can't be happy with yourself, you can't be happy with someone else. You mention that you don't think that you could be happy without her as you have come some distance with her. Perhaps you just need to sit down with her and both let one another know exactly what is going on. See if your willing to put forth the effort to fix it, and take it from there.

Daex

 
Old 10-04-2006, 04:01 AM   #5
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

You're staying with her for the wrong reasons....out of desperation. You have issues you need to work on for YOURSELF. You can't rely on other people to make you happy. A guy in his early 20's shouldn't be at the brink of despair whenever he's not in a relationship. That doesn't seem normal. It sounds like you're willing to have ANYbody just to have SOMEbody. In your last thread you told us she's heavy and you're not attracted to her, and her family is trailer trash. You only want to stay with her out of fear and desperation. That's not love. I would suggest you seek counseling and/or some self-help books to get some self esteem, confidence, and to learn to be content even when you're alone. I'm old enough to be your mother, and I broke up with my longtime boyfriend over a year ago, and haven't had one since. It's even harder for a woman my age. I would never settle for anyone just so I'm not alone. You'll never find the right person if you're stuck with the wrong person. OK, I have to get ready for work now. I hope I said something that helped.

 
Old 10-04-2006, 09:44 PM   #6
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

She's bipolar type 2.

Today was very stressful.. I haven't ate in about 30 hours now.

I've been deciding to break up with her for a while now... and today I finally decided to do it. It wasn't the best timing as her birthday was yesterday and today she is going out to a club and dinner (at my expense because she has no job) and I just really didn't want to go and I finally decided that our lives are just too different and I no longer have feelings for her.

The break up was very emotional and scary. First, She was very cold about it, not saying much, had my stuff ready, and told me I could grab it and go. We talked a little about our problems and it ended up being really late and she lives an hour from my house and she told me not to drive home because she knew i was very tired so I stayed at her house. I really wish I went home... big mistake.

This morning we woke up and she wanted to get back together... I refused and she cried and cried and told me she would do anything for me and she started taking out her earrings and stuff to try to make me happy. She then got on her knee's begging me not to leave her and crying and told me she would quit college and everything for me.

She eventually ran out of energy and just layed there on the floor not saying/doing anything. She told me she didn't care if I left.. so I grabbed my stuff and started walking out. As I was walking out, she started screaming at me telling me not to leave her... she then went to her desk, pulled out her box cutter and put it to her wrist and said "michael i don't want to live without you" and went into details how she would kill herself. I walked to her to try to get the boxcutter from her and she said "step back now" so I did.. eventually she put it away... and I was on my way out the door.. she came to my car and got in with me saying she was going with me.. I couldn't stop her so she ended up going 1 hour away with me.

We went to my house and stayed a few mins and I drove her an hour back home... She was complaining all the way and was very cold once again.. then out of the blue she said "michael, lets get married now at the court house... we are so good with each other!! i know you love me" and started grabbing my hand and stuff...

WOW!!! This girl is insane.
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Old 10-05-2006, 03:50 AM   #7
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Why would you drive an hour to your house with her, turn around and take her back, and then you have to drive home again? You must have unlocked the passenger door to let her in. Why?

So I take it she got out of the car on her own once she got back home?

I'm sure you haven't heard the last of her. Ignore her messages. She'll probably make threats that "she can't go on". Not your problem.

She is nuts!!!

Run, Michael run!!!!!

 
Old 10-05-2006, 12:01 PM   #8
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

in total agreement with hangin in there, she's nuts.

But, um, you aren't making the best decisions either. Like, staying with her all this time when you knew you didn't want to. And staying at her house the night you broke up with her. And allowing her to drive back home with you. etc. etc. etc.

Just to head off the future post you'll likely be making, you shouldn't get back together with her, I'm sure you'll be missing being in a relationship, and lonely, and have no friends, and depressed, but just...don't.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 01:43 PM   #9
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

And to quote the initial thread: "She's all I have".

If all you "have" in your life is this kook, that's pretty sad. Who needs that?

 
Old 10-06-2006, 02:37 AM   #10
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Hey Guys.

Thanks for your input as usual. As usual, she still keep's texting/calling me. I do have moments where I question the breakup, however, when I think about the box cutter thing she pulled... That alone push's me away from her. There was no reason for her to do that and I do not want to be with a girl who is that unstable. Here's what she had to say about that:

"the razor thing was extreme and uncalled for but i wasnt thinking rationally. i usually dont when my whole world comes crashing down, but i did mean it when i said i dont want to live w/o you. either way i'm sorry for scaring you. you know me better than that and i am not unstable. just not under stress as great as loosing the only one i love."

The whole event was the most fearful event I have had to go through in my life... It seems like I was in a horror movie and not in reality but in fact, it was.

Elizabeth has a very low self esteem... while we were dating, she had many moments of depression and talking about how bad her life was, etc. She defennly has issues she need's to work on. I believe she is so insecure with her own life that she feels having a boyfriend will make her feel secure about her future whereas right now she doesn't have security in anything. She lives a tough life, don't get me wrong... but she shouldn't "Depend" on a relationship.

I will admit.. I'm at fault for many things... I have a lot of issues when it comes to relationship... I have a bunch of problems of my own that need's working out, and I think I may have some type of "mential illinus" or some sort. However, I currently do not have health insurance because of my office being bought out.

I don't need a relationship in my life right now... My life is already too stressful as it is... My job is questionable right now, and I am fixing to have 2 full time jobs for at least 6 weeks. This is the last thing I need in my life.

After going through all the emotional stress with elizabeth... I can't even think about being in another relationship right now. I wouldn't turn down a date if it came along, but I sure wouldn't go after anyone or rush into anything.
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Old 10-06-2006, 11:59 AM   #11
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

You guys both need to work out your own issues, as many of the other posters said. This girl's a loony-toon, and in my opinion needs to seek psychiatric help. Being somewhat "irrational" because you broke up with her is one thing; threatening to cut her wrist with a box-cutter because you broke up with her is something else entirely, not to mention staying in your car with you as you drove an hour home.

You guys are both with each other out of desperation. You need to learn to be happy outside of a relationship. Yeah, you'll feel depressed and alone and all of those other crappy emotions, but the only way you can change is to be out of your comfort zone.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 10:24 PM   #12
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Hey Guys,

Thanks as usual! I honestly see why you guys said "Run". This girl will not leave me alone. She is trying so hard to get back together and even came close to coming out to my job/house several times already. She just won't let go. I'd hate to get a police restrant order out... but my god if this goes on my much I might not have a choice.

I'm starting to see/hear more things. I am finding out that most of family didn't like her and thought I could do better. I also had one family member tell me he could tell I wasn't happy and could tell I was stressed just by looking at my face. A few nights ago, me and my mom were talking and we were talking about her and my mom said my face started turning red just thinking about the stress :-(. My stepdad said "I could tell you wasn't happy... when you with with me and your mom the other day you acted like yourself but when your around her, your stressed"

I'm not sure if stress would affect this, but I haven't had broncituis in over 5+ years before I got serious with her, however, once I started staying at her house (which is very dirty and has mold inside) and we had a lot of stress.. I started getting sick a lot more and had broncitious TWICE IN 4 MONTHS. I'm thinking is a combo from the house and stress.

I just wish this breakup thing was done and over. After being in this mess, I don't want a relationship... at least for a very long time anyway!
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Old 10-08-2006, 12:05 PM   #13
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
Elizabeth has a very low self esteem... while we were dating, she had many moments of depression and talking about how bad her life was, etc. She defennly has issues she need's to work on. I believe she is so insecure with her own life that she feels having a boyfriend will make her feel secure about her future whereas right now she doesn't have security in anything. She lives a tough life, don't get me wrong... but she shouldn't "Depend" on a relationship.
did you really see these things in her? Or did you see these things in yourself?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think she's very stable. But, it seems whereas you didn't love her and were staying in the relationship for reasons that weren't what they should be, she believed that you really loved her, and really loved you back. Yes, she may be insecure and depressed and whatever, but her reaction wouldn't have been what it was if you had not put on a happy face while you spent almost your entire relationship second-guessing your feelings for her, not being attracted to her, and basically pining for someone else.

This breakup may have been easy for you because you didn't love her, you have known that you didn't want to be with her for awhile now. You have a decent home and decent income to go back to. But all this time that you didn't love her, she loved you, wanted to spend her life with you, marry you, etc. And you never did anything to make her believe that you felt otherwise. Even when you had problems, you could have walked away but you stayed and worked through them. The way you say you treated her, it's not surprising that she bought into the idea that you did love her, and that marriage was a very real possibility.

Is her reaction extreme? yes, of course. But honestly, you made it a lot harder on her than it had to be. For you, this breakup is an escape from a situation that you were never happy with, it stressed you out, made you sick. For her, it's sort of her world crumbling down around her. Can you really blame her for feeling the way she does?


I hope that you've walked away from this relationship with some real lessons learned. Not so much about yourself--you seem pretty adjusted to what YOU want and what would make YOU happy. But I hope you have learned a little something about other people, and the need to sometimes sacrifice your comfort and security for their feelings.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 12:08 PM   #14
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by M1K3L
Hey Guys,
I just wish this breakup thing was done and over. After being in this mess, I don't want a relationship... at least for a very long time anyway!

Except, the breakup thing IS done and over! You broke up with her. She knows that, you know that. You no longer have to take her calls, visit her, have any contact with her at all. As long as you want it to be done and over, it is.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 07:57 PM   #15
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Re: Can't break up... advice?

My daughter is Bipolar, and I can tell you, as long as your exgirlfriend isn't on the proper meds, there is no way to have any sane interaction with her. It is virtually impossible. I would cut all communication with her. Any communication with her will give an opportunity to build up hope in her mind ( Bipolars take a tiny thought or inclination and run to extremes with it). All of her behavior is very typical for Bipolars, love/hate quiet/loud acceptance/denial. You were riding the rollercoaster with her and you need to get off. If at any time she once again invades your life and threatens to kill herself, just put her in your car like you did before, but this time drive her to the hospital, get out and tell the authorities that you have a suicidal person in your car.

 
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