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Old 10-03-2006, 08:32 AM   #1
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duchess66 HB User
Me again....still confused.....

Hello again. I posted a cpl of weeks ago about my DH and I and our marriage problems.

The fighting has basically stopped recently, and we are being quite civil to eachother. You see, he is the type of person who wants to just forget all of the bad and get on with our lives. He loves me and he tells me this all of the time. The problem is that even though I want to forget everything and try to rebuild what we had, I am having a very difficult time letting go of my resentment for him.

A cpl of nights ago, we went to bed at the same time and started fooling around. In the middle of it all, I started thinking about all of the things we have said to eachother in the midst of our arguments. I tried really hard not to let my feelings show and continued on. Afterwards, he was being really loving, hugging me, holding my hand, kissing me and he said "Is something wrong?" I said "No, why do you ask?" and he said, "I don't know, you were just different, are you sure you are ok?" and I kept saying yes. Then he says "C'mon, something is bothering you, pleeeaaasse tell me..." When I replied, I started to cry, all of these emotions starting showing, and I told him that although I was really trying, everytime I try to get close to him, these "words" that have been said fill my head and I just can't shake them. He comfortingly said, "I know...." then he got up, went to the bathroom, came back to bed and turned over and went to sleep. I can tell that I had really hurt him. It is different if you say something in the midst of being angry, but we were not fighting, and I think the reality of our problems really hit him.

It bothered me the whole next day. Everytime I thought about it, it would make me really sad.

Then last night, he came home from work a cpl of hours after I did, we were just acting normal to eachother for the remainder of the night. When we went to bed, he said "Listen, I am really sorry, sorry that I have made you unhappy all of these years, I don't know what else to say, I am just really sorry, if I could take back time I would so that you never had to marry me, I promise I won't touch you again". Then he rolled over and went to sleep.

I cannot stop thinking about it this morning. I am here at work and just sooo confused. I didn't even respond last night. Maybe I should have said something. He is obviously hurting.

Has too much happened between us, and has too much been said to ever go back and be like we were? I am starting to wonder if there is any hope left. We have always fought, like most cpls do, but we always made up and it never affected our relationship. Why is it so much harder now? Have I just come to resent him so much? Why am I feeling so bad for him? Is it because I know we may not get through this? I am so confused and could really use some advice from someone who has felt this way. I could also use some insight from you guys out there as to what goes on in your minds, so that I could better understand how to deal with all of this.

I would appreciate your honest feedback. Thanks.

 
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Old 10-04-2006, 07:20 AM   #2
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duchess66 HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

I guess there isn't anyone who can relate or who can give me their advice.

I just don't want to give up on an 18 year marriage without a fight. I believe that ppl walk away too easily nowadays when the going gets tough. Am I just living in a fantasy world thinking this way?

 
Old 10-04-2006, 07:47 AM   #3
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mommypynk HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

i feel like a few months ago i could've related... but my story didnt end well and for me it was kind of the reverse i made him unhappy..i could only do so much. i do hope things work out for you. my advice to you would be not to avoid talking to him about this, that maybe you guys have some more things you need to say, once you get it all out it might help make it better..communication. if your not unhappy say that you are not unhappy, if you are say why..dont leave that subject open, he could be coming up with some really strange senarios as to why ur not happy. sorry i couldnt be much help....good luck.......

 
Old 10-04-2006, 08:12 AM   #4
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

Wow...18 years is a long time, and I applaud you for not just walking away when the going got tough.

You're hurting; he's hurting. You both want to make it work, right? That's a good start, I would think (I'm married eight years, known/been with my guy for 15).

When he's trying to make a fresh start, snuggling, hugging, being sweet, you're remembering bad things he's said from the past. Maybe try remembering some good things from the past when you feel yourself remembering the bad things.

Along those lines, how about creating some new good memories? When was the last time you two did something really new together, something special just for the two of you? I'm not talking big, elaborate, expensive vacations (although that's cool, too!); just something special at home or close to home.

I think another option might be counselling for you, him or you both together to help you get over your resentment.

Best of luck

 
Old 10-04-2006, 08:34 AM   #5
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duchess66 HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

Quote:
Originally Posted by StenoLady1
You're hurting; he's hurting. You both want to make it work, right?

Yes, you are right, this statement made me feel...it just made me feel.

I really want things to work out. I think I will need time to just be sure that we won't keep going through the same destructive cycle that we have been.

It is like I am cautious of letting my guard down in case of consistently being disappointed over and over again.

I know that no relationship is perfect and that every couple has their disagreements, but in our case, I think that it is normal to be walking on eggshells, just because of the fight history. In my mind, he needs to prove to me that this won't keep happening. If you read any of my older posts, you will see that I am willing to go for counselling but he is dead said against it. He doesn't think we need it. I guess this is why I would like to hear what the men out there have to say. It is no big surprise that men and women perceive things very differently, and maybe in HIS eyes, things are not as severe as I think they are.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 07:41 AM   #6
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

Totally understandable, Duchess, you not wanting to let your guard down.

But as an outsider looking in, I have a feeling that what's going on in his mind is you holding a grudge, not moving on from the past, remembering old fights and things you both probably said that are regrettable hindsight being 20/20, as well as the notion that he may feel as though you've lost faith in him.

The golden egg here is the fact that you both respect the 18 years of marriage you've got under your belt and obviously want to fix this. I'm a firm believer in "if there's a will, there's a way."

I think you have several options if you haven't tried these already:

Counselling for yourself personally to help you with resentment;

Communication with your hubby about setting firm boundaries regarding arguments. Sure, couples argue, but you both need to agree upon and set up some boundaries on when the argument stops and one walks away;

The golden rule in our house is we do not EVER go to sleep angry with one another. We talk, agree to disagree, decide to discuss the "issue" at a more appropriate time, have crazy makeup sex, whatever it takes, but we never allow ourselves to wake up one morning angry with the other. This might have to be a new rule for you both, but it's never too late;

Lastly -- and I mentioned this before -- y'all need to create some new good memories. Do some things to rekindle that romance, feel new and young again, some things that are new for you both. Some things y'all try, you won't care for ... fine, you'll have something to talk about later and chuckle over. Other things, you'll wish you'd found out about years ago (gourmet cooking together is a newfound love for DH & I -- improved our health, our conversation, intimacy, as well as introducing us to the world of fine wines).

It sounds like you've found yourselves in a cycle, in a rut. Wherever you two eat dinner, change it up. If you eat on the coffee table in front of the tv, move over to the dining room, put on some music and eat there. Do you guys ever eat out? Don't just eat out and come back home. Go for a walk somewhere new for you both after dinner or try somewhere new for coffee and pastry for dessert. These are options you can implement today, now, at no extra cost and not involving third parties. If the average day/week/month for you two is "routine," take a step to change something up and let that spark you two shared back in. Think about it. It's hard to remember a fight from six months ago after the incredible evening you two shared last night or last weekend or laughing over each other tied up like pretzels on a yoga mat.

Again, if there's a will, there's a way

 
Old 10-05-2006, 08:34 AM   #7
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duchess66 HB User
Re: Me again....still confused.....

I think I am holding a grudge, even though I don't want to. He knows that I am different with him. We both have always been openly affectionate with eachother and with the kids. I am a very open person and so is he. It is obvious that I still am very affectionate with the kids, but I am not with him. I will be at work and think nice things about him, and think to myself that when I go home tonight, I will give him a big hug or something. I have done this in the past and it has always broken the ice for a while. Days later, something sets him off, and it starts all over again.

I think that your suggestions are awesome. I will definitely try to implement some special time together. It isn't always easy though. He works 12 hour shifts, both days and nights, 2 or 3 at a time, with 2-3 days of in between. I work steady days, Mon - Fri. We both work about 1/2 hour from home, so basically, when he works night shifts, I am gone with the kids (I bring them to school) by the time he gets home from work, and he leaves for work at night before I get home. He only has one day everyother weekend off with me, and we have a whole weekend off together about once a month. So, you see we do have pretty busy lives. I am not trying to make excuses though

As far as the notion that he thinks that I have lost faith in him, you are absolutely right. He has never been the type to be insecure, but lately I find him reading into everything I say OR don't say. He has reason to feel this way, because I have definitely changed. I don't think that is a bad thing though, because although I want to "get back what we had", I do want it to be different as well. I just want to have a mature, nurturing relationship, where we can still have fun, be crazy in the sex department, feel comfortable with eachother and set good examples for our children to follow. I don't think that's too much to ask

Anyway, thank you SO much for the very wise advice and again, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I am very grateful. Have a great day.

Last edited by duchess66; 10-05-2006 at 08:35 AM.

 
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