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Old 10-03-2006, 10:02 AM   #1
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I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Well first off i'm 23 and my boyfriend is 26. We've been together a year next month. We just started arguing on a daily basis about 2-3 months ago... Thanks to anyone with some advice...

I am so stuck right now. And depressed. It's been a while since I was actually depressed. I feel like my relationship is going to crap.. we fight over the silliest things. And I get so drained from arguing, defending myself and my actions that either I just shut down or I snap. Wow, I never put it like that before. Last night Colby and his bro were going to spend the night at my place, and everything was going fine until Colbys mom called because someone (Colby or his bro) left her front door wide open but his bro did in fact lock the door so I took them back to there moms, dropped them off, and went back to my home to take a shower. This was about 10pm'ish. well I decided to not go back to colbys, I mean dang i'm tired. I'm so drained from going back and forth between mine and his place. But I felt like crap not going back to his house because I felt that we left things on bad terms... so we argue and fight then things ended up me going to get him.

It's **** like that. Petty stuff. And i'm drained.

As soon as he starts getting on my case for something I tell myself to ignore him, it'll pass, don't fight back, pick and choose your battles wisely, but before I know it i'm yelling back trying to talk over him and we're fighting. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want things to go back to the way they were.

I honestly don't want to be the nagging girlfriend. Why is it that when i'm with my friends i'm not that type, but when i'm with him he does a million things to frusterate me... it's like i'm not that kinda person when i'm not around him so why am I like that with him?

Then this morning when I was dropping him off at home on my way to work and everything was fine. Then some big rig pulls out in front of me and I get mad so I flip the truck off (the truck couldnt see me)..but i'm not like all yelling and cussing or anything, I was calm. Just hey buddy screw you kinda deal. then he blows up on me because of my road rage and he goes off, and on and on then it causes me to yell at him back defending myself when 5 minutes ago I just said we're not going to fight and i'm going to work on this really hard and yadayadaada.....it's like hey give me a break. And i hate when he tries to prove his points about my road rage because first of all im really working on it and not getting so frusterated with other drivers, secondly his arguments are weak and he doesn't have much ground for the things he claims. It makes me so ******.

but now im drained. I know we're both feeling unhappy. I'm so sad and depressed, I don't know what to do anymore. ................ this day sucks, I just want to cry..

But our love for eachother is so deep. We love eachother so much. It's one of those "no one can quite feel about anyone else they way we feel for eachother".......

I don't know what to do. We want to move in together so bad. We are. But I DON'T want it ending up in disaster. Been there, done that. I want to have good communication with him and for us to be just a normal, healthy couple. For the most part we are healthy. Are arguments are petty, nothing majorly serious.

It's hard to talk to him sometimes because his way of "caring for me" and trying to "teach/show me the light type things" is just yelling at me and going off. Deep down I know thats his way of caring but gosh it sets me off every time. I wish he could talk normal, and not so erratically. (sp?)

I don't know what to do?

I get so frusterated sometimes with the daily stuff that I do end up bitching/nagging and I don't know how to stop when i'm at my wits end with him. It's like me just telling him how I feel about something, no matter how I say it, it's considered me bitching. And to me it's like NO I want this to change, i'm tired of going round and round so i'm saying something so it will CHANGE. not to hear my own voice.

Someone help......

 
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Old 10-03-2006, 10:26 AM   #2
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

I forgot to mention that we're both under a lot of stress right now. More then either of us have ever been under. I know that has a lot to do with it, but for now how do we cope and move past this as a couple? I just want to get over this bump, but i'm not sure what to do to since everything I have been doing hasn't worked...

Last edited by Ms_ENV27; 10-03-2006 at 10:26 AM.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 10:37 AM   #3
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

You can't change someone else. You're both trying to change each other's behavior. I'm afraid to say that it sounds like he might not be the man for you. Plus, his "caring about you" and "teaching" you by yelling at you is not his way of caring or teaching -- to me it sounds like it is his way of controlling. Also the way you're being a "b@**h" if you complain or nag. Are you just trying to talk to him in a normal tone of voice in a normal way? If so that is not "b@***ing" it is only stating your feelings and him refusing to listen. I think you may be putting too much blame on yourself.

And you have a lack of communication. I don't understand the "going back to his house" story. When you brought him back to his house, did you communicate that you would not be coming back to get him, or did he communicate that he would like for you to come get him? Perhaps you need to communicate better that you are tired and you can't keep driving back and forth. Does he have a vehicle to drive himself around? I think there may be more going on here than you're telling us. Do you feel you put more effort into the relationship? Do you feel like, a lot of times, it is either his way or the highway?

 
Old 10-03-2006, 10:50 AM   #4
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Oof, been there - my fiance was very (and still can be very) annoying a year or two into our relationship. He insisted on trying to "teach" or "explain" or "father" me. It drove me BONKERS.

I ended up reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Boy did this shed some light. I know it sounds like a crock, but that book is SO TRUE. His desire is to "fix" things. If I'm upset about something, he wants to tell me what to do - not commiserate and offer just an ear. He wants to make it better.

While that's all well and good, it's actually not. It's annoying, it FEELS condescending (ie: Like I couldn't get from point A to point B in my car BEFORE he started telling me how I SHOULD drive? f-that!).

Ultimately, you need to try to explain to him that:

1: when he tries to fix everything, it doesn't feel like you're being heard, you're just being told. You're capable of fixing your own things, sometimes you just need someone to LISTEN and be quiet.

2: He's not your father, it's not up to him to tell you how to drive, how to behave, or how to emotionally deal with or respond to ANYTHING. He knows how you are, it's not up to him to change that- he needs to be respectful of your personality.

3: Tell him it's petty! When it starts, say "You know, this is a really stupid thing for us to be arguing about. I am who I am, you are who you are, you can't tell me what to do or how to act and I'm definitely not going to tell you. I don't need to expain this, it's stupid and pointless. SORRY!"

Seriously. Sometimes you just have to shut it down.

There will be HUGE highs, and HUGE lows in relationships, I've been there a million times w/ my fiance. Sometimes it's absolutely nuts. You have to do your best to just be honest, that you're sick of dealing with petty arguments, you're sick of feeling like you have to fix yourself so he'll stop nit-picking at everything you do and how you do it, and you're at the end of your rope on trying to figure out how to fix it. Maybe he doesn't understand how .... MUCH or often he puts you into defense mode??

 
Old 10-03-2006, 10:58 AM   #5
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Yes sometimes I do feel that it is his way or the highway.

The communication about me going back to get him wasn't that clear. He did state that he did want me to go back, but I really didn't say anything. Well, yeah I did, I did state that I was tired, and he got mad that i'm not making the situation easier for us... He does have a vehicle. 2 in fact. He just didn't have any gas..

Yes, he is a controlling person. He is with everyone. Well, everyone he cares for. His Brother, me, his Mom.. And I do tell him that he's being controlling, even though he thinks he's not. I know a controlling person when I see one. My ex was the most manipulative, controlling person i'm sure I will ever meet on this earth. Colby isn't nearly as bad as he was but still enough to cause arguments between us.

Sometimes. and let me stress this- sooometimes when I try talking to him about my feelings it does come across as bitching, and there I do understand his frusteration with me. But A LOT of the time i'm just trying to talk to him, and when i'm proving him totally wrong, it's oh "lets not talk about this anymore." I don't think he knows how to handle me when I am being righteous no matter what he thinks or says.

I'm not trying to put all the blame on me but I don't want to blame everything on him and i'm the innocent victom. Because it's not like that.

When he angers me I know it's for a reason, i'm not just getting mad for the hell of it..oh he decided to go out with his friends i'm going to get mad now. No, theres something behind it that set me off and I wish he would stop taking EVERYTHING I say out of context.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 11:00 AM   #6
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Destea:

wow you hit it right on the nail. exactly. everything you said, he does. Tries to "fix" me..and i'm tired of it........

 
Old 10-03-2006, 11:17 AM   #7
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

It's really annoying, isn't it???

Is he older than you? I kind of attribute my guys actions to the fact that he's 34 and I'm 25, but uh, it still isn't excusable. I call him out on it every time now, and tell him basically I functioned fine before him, and don't need him to tell me how to do anything He's getting better, for sure, he still wants to help by fixing things, and he still nit picks sometimes, but I'm a little easier about dealing with it because I pretty much just say (unless I really think he has a valid point, which sometimes - though I'm loathe to admit it - he does) "Thanks Dad, I'll write that one down in my dairy for you."

Sometimes they just need to remember they're not fathers, they can't shape us and shouldn't try to. It's their nature to help fix what frustrates us or makes us feel bad or angry or upset - but they need to realize what we need is not always what they're giving us. I don't need to be fixed. I need to be understood and listened too. Easier said than done, but the sooner you express this and start trying to work on acting it out, it won't become habit before it makes you snap!!!

I definitely still have my days, and so does he, but at least he knows where I'm coming from and I him - makes it a *smidgeon* easier to take a deep breath and remind yourself (after you've heard from HIM that this is why he does it) that he's just acting on instinct, and kindly remind him that instinct for males doesn't work for females, and it's time to be an equal - not a father.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 11:25 AM   #8
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Destea thank you so much for that. Helps a ton!! I can't type much cause i'm at work, but the two responses I have already gotten are greatly appreciated. Thank you!! I thought no one would respond!

 
Old 10-03-2006, 11:39 AM   #9
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Believe me, I feel your pain. Just make it clear you're not going to be walked on and why it bugs you - communication is hard but SO key... he'll never understand if you don't let him know he's making you feel like a child who's being scolded by her father... that's not equality!!

Hang in there

 
Old 10-03-2006, 11:54 AM   #10
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicole27
But our love for each other is so deep. We love each other so much. It's one of those "no one can quite feel about anyone else they way we feel for each other"....
Nicole, one thing I learned in life was that it is truly and absolutely possible to have the feeling that you described above with more than one person in your lifetime.

With that in mind, & assuming that we cannot make another person change, is your current relationship the way you want to spend the next 50+ years of your life?

If you knew that you would meet someone in the future who was your best friend, your lover, your husband, and someone who still said please & thank you & what can I do for you today, would you stay with this guy?

It take more than Love, even True Love, to make a successful relationship. If you ever do want to marry a man consider marrying him rather than living together. If you're afraid that it won't work out, all the more reason to not marry OR live with him.

I didn't meet my husband until I was 35. I have loved two other men in my life with my whole heart & soul. And yet they would not have been the right person for me.
And in case you wonder, yes, I do still love them. But I do nothing about it - I don't see or talk to either of them. My husband is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Loving someone can't touch what he has added to my life and to me as a person.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 12:35 PM   #11
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyJean
And in case you wonder, yes, I do still love them. But I do nothing about it - I don't see or talk to either of them. My husband is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Loving someone can't touch what he has added to my life and to me as a person.
That was beautiful and I hope to find this one day!
__________________
"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded"

 
Old 10-03-2006, 02:25 PM   #12
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Thanks guys; Destea, Minnesota, Betsy.You have helped a lot.

In my last relationship it was horrible. I think he was already abusing me physically and mentally by our 3rd month together. And I stayed for 3 1/2 years. Imagine how that escalated. But, I got the courage and left. I moved out one day and never moved back. With that said, I have no problem leaving a relationship if i'm completely and utterly unhappy. I would leave him one day IF I feel that we can not straight up work! I am going to read help books and such and try to make this work. If I feel after an amount of time that he hasn't tried then i'll leave and move on.. I know he wants this to work. He even mentioned getting counseling from the church that I sometimes go to with him. I'd be devastated if we seperated for the time being but I would get over it just like everyone else does... but I would be absolutely heartbroken I admit.

I would feel like a failure and that if I couldn't make it work with him, then who is it going to work with? .... I know that I have a lot to offer someone, I am a great girlfriend and I know how to take care of someone. But I sometimes have a tendency to be so irritable at times and i'm trying really hard to work on that. I would hate to know thats why my relationships don't work.

I don't want to lose him for the sole fact that I just gave up and didn't try.

I really need to work on my communication with him. I have been working on it for quite some time. When we first met I didn't have the nerve to tell him anything, I would just literally shut down and say nothing. It's like anything that was bothering me I could go on and on to a friend but when it came time to me telling him I would just automatically shut off. It was so weird. I would get so frusterated with myself.
But I tell him things now. I'm working on my communication really hard. I have come a long way since the beginning of our relationship. But I still need to work harder on that.

Thanks again.

 
Old 10-03-2006, 08:09 PM   #13
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

I feel the same way, I can tell my friends everything but when it comes to talking to my b/f (of 18 years, why aren't we married?) I can't talk to him because he feels I am always attacking him or always complaining, biat*** etc. When all I really want is to work out our problems together, not talking to others and not coming here(no punt intentded) If we could talk I would not be here, I know this. I know if he would listen to JUST A LITTLE OF MY ADVICE, we would have it EASIER! But he has his mind set in how things should work, he doesn't realize the woman side that doesn't want to party (can't party) and live life on the edge! He (just like now) acts like nothing is going on, but he is buzzed and he has the moto nothing or no one will bring him down, but I will bring him down when I am gone. Been there done that, he just forgets. He forgets how much he missed me. Men don't seem to think anything like women and us WOMEN need to realize we are worth more than cleaning,cooking, working and being taxi. I totally feel like all the above and don't really know what life is? I want so much to have my own life. If I had my own life (like someone mentioned) maybe things would be different. I am so bored in life it is not funny, and I know that is my problem, but I also know I would not be bored if my man was there for me. For instance tonight. I said I was going to take our daughter (8 yr old) to chearleading on Thursday to see how she does and he did not say a word about that, but he sure had plenty to say about HIM! I think he is selfish. Some men arejust like that! I don't get it could someone explain what is going on to help me to deal with life,,cause I am depressed to!!!!!!!! I feel for you, expessially since you are married!

 
Old 10-03-2006, 09:40 PM   #14
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

Iwant2quit......Your right he is being selfish.Sounds like a big kid to me like he has never grown up.If it was me and I know alot of men do not do altimatums but at this point (18 years!) I would be giving an altimatum.I don't know if he has been this way for 18 years there is probably little to no hope for change.I guess you have to decide if you want to keep living the "boring" life with a selfish man who is a big kid or not.I am sure it is not just easy to up and leave you have to decide if it is worth trying or not but you cannot change him he has to be willing to change himself he has to think something is wrong within himself and change that.As far as you being depressed maybe you should go talk to a professional like a counselor

Last edited by tnmomofive; 10-03-2006 at 09:43 PM.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 03:11 AM   #15
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Re: I Guess the Honeymoons Over....

All relationships go through bad patches - like a plant, one minute blooming, the next maybe wilting.

Lifes obstacles causes stress on the most strongest of relationships, and we all take out our problems on our nearest.

I can relate here, as me and my partner, like many couples, goe through these periods of constant bickering. It can become almost habit, and that is basically what it is, you start to grate on each other, and bicker and feel always on guard and on the defence, awaiting another remark.

But, you can change this habit, to become a positive habit of getting on, you just need to break the cycle. Once the bickering has stopped, you will then find yourself in a habit of getting on and not bickering - it is strange.

First off, I would say do something fun together, like camping or something, it takes the pressure off the mundane of life, and will help you start to enjoy each others company again.

Good luck

 
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