Through the grapevine I have just found out the guy I have been in love with for 2 years - has been married for the last 15 years and has 2 children. Shucks! Please tell me why people lie and lead double lives - anyone?
Scenario: He is a soldier in Iraq so our relationship has always been clouded in the mysterious world of 'security'. He would be away for long times, and I played the part of devoted & supportive civilian awaiting his return. Emails, letters of support, photo's - the works. When he returned he would be somewhat elusive, and has clear PTSD issues which I spent time nursing with the greatest simpathy.
Right from the start I asked him if he was in a relationship / married / kids etc - and he lied by saying because of his work he has always been single. I fell so deeply in love with this guy, and trusted his 'honour' and 'pride' and 'ethics' as a soldier. How sick can someone be to do this to me?
Because our lives supposedly run in parralel long before we met, I thought he was my soul mate. We were born in the same (foreign) country, went to schools in same cities, were on holiday in the same places, moved to the UK on the same dates etc. etc, etc. Is it possible that he stalked me and obtained all this personal info from some secret file, studied it up, and then snared me in his trap?
He is definitely a soldier - that much I know - because I have met some of his colleagues and saw his ID card with firearms issued etc. He is also definitely married with children as I saw them, and he also does not know that I have found out yet.
Please give me some ideas:
I am very angry about this. If he played open cards with me, I would never have gotten involved with him. Should I confront him, or would I be in danger if I do? What mental sickness does this person have? Am I stupid? How the hell is one supposed to trust anyone again?
I was in somewhat of a similar situation but not as in depth. I was with a guy, fell madly in love. He lived with the mother of his child but they weren't 'together'. He ended up getting married when we were still together. I guess we are blinded by love & if we want so badly for that person to be 'the one', we make them that even if they're not. If I was you, I'd cut off all communication, that's scary. He deserves no explanation, he will already know. You are the most imporant person right now, remember that. This must of just happened, so you need time to deal with this by yourself. Everything happens for a reason, learn from this as hard as it may be.
Obviously that was really rotten of this guy to do to you and his wife.I agree with the last poster i'd just cut all contact, if he contacts you then just tell him you know he is married with children and want him to leave you alone.I am sorry this has happened I could'nt imagine what your feeling but It will get better and ditching this guy is the right thing to do.
Many thanks for your replies - it is interesting that others have had similar experiences. This revelation occurred very recently so I am still in shock, but I have already decided to cut all communication and to pull the plug. If I never see him again that's fine, and if he does not make it back from Iraq, then that's fine too. He can do with a touch of Sharia law.
People like him are the reason why soldiers have such a bad reputation in relationships. He knew very well my ethics and he completely disregarded it. By lying about serious matters he showed disrespect for my core character - i.e. he could not possibly have loved me. Lust - yeah, but not love.
I am deeply disturbed by this, and know it may take a very long time to recover from. It is strange how fast 'love' turns into 'hatred' when the bond of trust is taken away.
Somehow I will have to explain to my children and to our joint friendship group that I am not his girlfriend any longer, and I will have to do this without blowing the whistle on him. As a mother, my concern is what his children will go through if they ever found out.
First of all, I want to say, this is why women are so bitter at one point in our lives! Men like this guy is why and it really is hard to go through life trusting men, any man again after having something like this happen to you.
MsQtoe, I sympathize with you. I have a similar situation happen to me many years ago.
I met this guy and like you, he and I just clicked I was deeply in love. He told me he was a single father of a 7 year old (at that time) and that his wife died of cancer three years prior that time. I believed him. Why shouldn't I? Who would lie about their spouse being dead? Well, I happen to meet that guy and when I discovered his wife is alive and well and that he has 2 children, I dropped him like a hot potato. Make a long story short, he was so in love with me (so he says) that he was "planning" to tell me soon. Yeah right! He started stalking me and I got a restraining order on him, he landed in jail... just to make the story short.
Hon, don't dignify this man another minute or second of your precious time. What he has done to you, to his wife and children are horrible. You need to start thinking about yourself from this day on and start the healing process. Don't give him anything of yourself anymore. If he won't stop, get a restraining order so by law, he needs to leave you completely alone. He and my exboyfriend sound like they were cracked from the same egg.
You need to start thinking about yourself and your children. Never mind about his. That's his problem and he would be the one to do the explaning.
Many years and many countless tears, I did heal. But it has to be up to you to put that effort of healing. You need to do it for YOU, nobody else.
"If I never see him again that's fine, and if he does not make it back from Iraq, then that's fine too. He can do with a touch of Sharia law."
Please don't say this and mean it. I can certainly understand your anger and bitterness towards him, but don't say that if he doesn't make it back from Iraq you won't care. What if he is killed over there? Will you ever forgive yourself for saying that?
Be mad at him (you have every right to) and confront him about lying to you, but please don't say it's OK if he doesn't come back from the war. What he did to you is horrible, but paying for it with his life is something I wouldn't want on my conscience.