So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 and half months now. Just so everyone knows, I'm 18 and he's my first boyfriend, I've had no guy experience previously and I'm really non-trusting with people and guys especially. So.. back to the question/ story.....
Things are good, I like him, he's an awesome guy, I care for him and I feel attached to him but I'm not sure if I feel quite the same way he does (assuming that is how he really feels). From the start of our relationship, he was way more into me than I was into him- so in a small way it would make sense that he would come out and say this. He says he loves me and I just don't think I believe him, or want to believe him at that. The reason being that I really doubt he could feel that way so soon in a relationship. I really think he's leading me on, or just confused in his own emotions. And for that reason, I refuse to really let my guard down because I dont' want to start believing him and ultimatly end up getting hurt because I opened up emotionally to him. (Side note- our time together is limited. I'm moving to college in 2 months and I'm not sure where the relationship is gonna go to once that happens). He knows that I care for him, but I've never said anything back, I more or less refuse to talk about how I feel cuz it makes me uncomfortable, and I don't want to get more attached to him, seeing as I'm gonna have to leave very soon. He says it's ok and that he wants to give me time and the fact that I may not feel the same way towards him doesn't bother him... but in reality, put yourself in his shoes, do you think this sorta thing makes him feel miserable?
Imagine you told someone you loved them, and in response you get, " no you don't. you're just confused."? That is exactly what I said to him the first time. Is it really possible to have that strong of feelings for someone that soon? I basically think he's just infatuated and he'll get over it eventually... I have also flat out told him that I don't trust him (even though there is absolutely NO reason for me not to) and probably will never let my guard down with him or anyone else for that matter. (part of that, with him in particular, is the fact that his last girlfriend cheated on him, and maybe subconciously he'd want to do the same).
I guess I'm just worried that the things I'm saying to him are pushing him away. I don't want to push him away... I'm just really insecure and i really DON'T trust guys in relationships. I will talk to him, but I'm also seeking an outsiders opinion (preferably a guys?). Should I believe him when he says he loves me? And how do you think he feels when I project that I dont love him back and say that I don't trust him?
Due to various reasons (an abusive childhood for one) I grew up not wanting to get attached to people and was very aloof in relationships. If I sensed any guy was getting too serious, I bolted.
I had a lot of trust issues and a really bad attitude about people in general because so many of them had screw*d me over. Getting attached to someone, in my mind, was making myself vulnerable to getting hurt. So I hung back, treated my relationships very casually, and hurt a lot of people in the process.
I did some of the exact things you've done! I would be mean to my boyfriends, tell them I didn't trust them, that I hated all men, and laugh if they said they loved me. That was another thing, I had such low self-esteem that I honestly couldn't believe anyone could love me and they had to be joking.
There was this one guy I dated that was apparently really falling for me and he made one last ditch attempt to get me to recognize how he felt and what I was doing to our relationship. He put a record on (yes I know, I'm old as dirt) and some of the words go, "What about love? Don't you want someone to care about you? What about love? Don't let it slip away." Then he asked me what I thought. I just shrugged and said, "yeah I guess it's an ok song". He just stared at me for a moment, then he ripped the record off the turntable and threw it across the room!
I know he thought I was being a total b*tch but honestly, I had no idea this was some plea from his heart - I thought he was asking my opinion of the singer! It just never occurred to me that he could feel THAT deeply for me. ME! There's nothing special about me, what the heck could he be in love with?
I met another guy while still in the midst of my "I hate everyONE and everyTHING" stage and he was very smitten. I remember thinking, oh God, not another clinger. I tried everything to discourage him. I told him horror stories about my life. I told him I didn't trust him and hated all men. I tried ignoring him. I even tried disappearing on the weekends and driving 5 hours away to party with one of my girlfriends. Nothing would deter him.
Over a very long dating relationship (4 years), I came to realize that he really loved me for ME. He was an honest-to-God good person and was always where he said he'd be. He kept all his promises and was there for me whenever I needed him. Even if I woke him in the middle of the night, he'd drive the 20 miles to my place and comfort me.
Eventually I came to value myself and realize I WAS worth loving and that he was just the person for the job. We are married now and have 3 beautiful daughters and I have to say, if the next 20 years are anything like the past 20 with him, then I am a very lucky woman.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Believe that you are beautiful and worthy of love. Try trusting someone with some small things first - then you can work up to the big stuff. You may be thinking that you are 18, this is just dating, this probably isn't the person you are going to marry. But then again, I was 18 when I met my husband. And it's turned out like a romantic movie with a happy ending and sappy love song soundtrack.
If you don't end up feeling the same way about this guy, try not to be so aloof that it hurts an innocent person. I hurt a lot of people with my detached attitude and I regret it now.
In the meantime, though, enjoy having someone dote on you. There are so many out there who would literally kill for someone to love them. It's a precious thing and so fragile. Cherish it for as long as you can. Good luck!
I've had a very wonderful childhood. My parents are and have always been very caring and no one's ever treated me real badly. I do however, think that I have a really low self esteem which could be causing me to say and feel stuff like this.
For instance, I've always had body image issues. I used to purge after eating and woudl eat very very little (this was several years ago... i now eat healthy). Also, I woudl exersise obsessesivly. I never thought I woudl look good enough for feel good enough. I also strive to be on top of my game academically and professionally. I feel like i have to one-up peopel around me. (and it shows, I'm not going to a really competetive college). I dont' know... i guess I just feel unworthy of his love, if that's how he really feels. Like you mentioned, I just thought he HAS to be joking because there really IS NOT anything special about me. I'm pretty average... Uh I don't know... I just feel so uneasy with myself.