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Old 10-05-2006, 12:15 PM   #1
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Paradise70 HB User
What Should We DO!!!!

Hello I need to talk to someone about the feelings I'm having which are driving me insane. I've been dating my bf for 2 1/2 years now. We've been living together 2 of those years. He is a really nice guy. He's very domestic and he's also good to my 2 little girls. I'm 36 and he's 31. We both are in school and he works full-time. In the begining of our relationship our cemestry was powerful. He was everything I ever wanted and needed in a man. For the past year things have changed. Although he is still very much domestic around the house, his affection and romance for me have dropped tremedously. It's causing a big rift in our relationship. I begining to feel as if he does not love me the same. I constantly have to ask for attention and it's driving me crazy. I constantly have to ask for affection. If I don't ask for it I barely get it. I like to passionately kiss and it doesn't bother him that we don't do it often. I thought we were on our way to building a life together, and when I bring up marriage, he tells me that he is not ready and he can't give me a timeframe as to when he think he may be ready. He is not abusive, nor does he cheat (as far as I can tell), we see a lot of each other but we don't share a lot of romancing each other. He mentioned to me that we are on two different levels of romance. Mines is severe and his is mild. Are we just not compatible for each other. We've discussed perhaps him moving out the first of the year and see how things go. Whenever I get frustrated because of his lack of affection and attention I will say to him that maybe we are not right for each other and maybe he should move out. Because I've said that so much now, he has consider it and so have I. But then we got really sad and don't know if we are making the right decision. Can anyone give us some good advice. Thanks.

 
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Old 10-05-2006, 12:28 PM   #2
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MysteriousGuy HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Clearly he's taking you for granted. Even though it is usually normal for couple to lose some chemistry over each other a year or two into their relationship, it isn't normal in your case with little or no affection. You should break up with him for few weeks and see how he reacts to it, show him what he's missing out. If that doesn't affect him at all, then you have no choice but to break up with him. Otherwise you'll build up resentment toward him which will eventually leads to break-up.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 12:33 PM   #3
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Paradise70 HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Thank you for your reply. Although you suggest breaking up with him for about 3 weeks and see how he reacts, how would he feel the difference when we live together?

 
Old 10-05-2006, 12:51 PM   #4
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

If he is pulling away from you, not being as affectionate, then there is definetly something going on. I don't know why he would want to stay in the relationship anyway when it seems as though he doesn't have the same feelings for you that he once did.

Why would he get sad about moving out? Sounds like you two are morphing into roommates instead of girlfriend/boyfriend. I think you may have moved in together way too soon. If he isn't showing the same affection and passion that he once did, and doesn't treat you like a girlfriend, then that isn't fair to you.
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Old 10-05-2006, 01:16 PM   #5
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Re: What Should We DO!!!!

I understand both your points of view, but I would like to hear what others think as well. Any other input out there?

 
Old 10-05-2006, 01:45 PM   #6
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thesedays HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Hey Paradise -

I'm in a similar situation, only reverse. I'm the domestic one, takes care of the kids, work, etc. and I'm like your boyfriend, I have "lost" that romantic chemistry towards my BF.

You mention he does all this stuff, and that you both go to school and he works. Do you work also?

Reason why I ask, is that I honestly think my "romantic issues" toward my BF is that I feel taken advantage of .....I feel like I'm taking care of him, not dating him.

I'm resentful that I do most of the housework, cooking, laundry, school and work .......I can't bring myself to be intimate with him right now and am hoping to get these feelings back soon, as I really do love him.

Can you please elaborate on your role in the relationship?

 
Old 10-05-2006, 01:55 PM   #7
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Re: What Should We DO!!!!

hello thesedays- Actually, I don't work. I go to school full-time. He works full-time and goes to school part-time. He's very domestic around the house. He helps with the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc. The only issue I have with him is that he is not affectionate towards me. He is but it's so little I hardly even notices it. I don't like the feeling of running to another mans arm for some affection but tha't how I feel. I want hime to cuddle with me, hold my hands when we are out, open my door, buy me flowers sometimes, kiss me passionately, etc. When I see it around me with other people, it makes me yarn for it, like I'm missing a big piece of my life. I hope this helps.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 02:03 PM   #8
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thesedays HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Do you also cook, clean, etc?

Again, the reason I'm asking is that even though I love my BF, I feel as if I'm doing everything and he's helping out a little.

I'm resentful and don't feel like being romantic with him.

Have you asked your boyfriend how he feels about your relationship? Not about YOU, but the actual relationship? Does he feel you do enough around the house, etc. Does he feel you do your part IN the relationship or does he feel he's doing it all?

This really does make a difference ........I was VERY in to my BF for the first 2 years ....but the toll of taking care of him has diminished my romantic side for him over time.

I think you should ask him these questions and see what he says.

I'd also like to mention that my BF complains about the lack of affection also and this makes me want to EVEN LESS. I can't stand when he talks about it ...it literally drives me up a wall. Sometimes, it just so happens, I start to feel a little "romantic" towards him and then he ruins it by talking about the "lack of" .....do you bring this up often?

I want to clarify that I DO LOVE my bf .....just hitting an "issue" wall that must be worked through before one of us leaves.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 02:11 PM   #9
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Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Thesedays, good points you make. But yes, I do cook and clean more than he does. I do appreciate when he does it and I tell him I do. I do complain a lot about his lack of affection to him, almost on a weekly basis. I don't feel loved by him. But I will ask those questions. I felt they were really important.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 02:14 PM   #10
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thesedays HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Paradise,

Let me know how it goes !! I wish you the best and hope it all works out.

 
Old 10-05-2006, 02:21 PM   #11
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JBravo223 HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

maybe you should ease up a bit... the guy works full time and you don't work at all. i take it that he is paying the bills? do you think he might be stressed from the financial responsibilty of taking care of both of you? just a thought...

 
Old 10-05-2006, 07:03 PM   #12
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MsInspiration HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Hi there,

I just had to reply (a very quick response)! My husband and I (we have been married 5 years now!!), are very different in our needs for affection. I am not a touchy feely person, and he is. This does not mean that I love him any less, if fact I adore him. I just have a different way of showing him my love. For example, I like to look after him, make sure he has his favourite meals, if he has problems to listen etc.....

I am sure that this causes him some frustation (e.g. I don't need to always kiss pasionately etc), but I think he does still feel loved. There is a book out called "The five different languages of love" I can really recommend this book - it will open your eyes.

Lastly don't sabotage (sp) the relationship by labelling it with negative tags - what you believe is what you will become! (I have been guilty of this myself and believe me it does create a negative environment and always telling someone negative things about a relationship will eventually have them thinking and believing the same).

Warm regards

 
Old 10-05-2006, 11:52 PM   #13
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Paradise70 HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Thanks for your input. So basically I should ignore my wants and needs in a relationship?

 
Old 10-06-2006, 06:58 AM   #14
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JBravo223 HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

I tend to think that women nowdays have a false sense of what the "want and need" thanks to TV and movies.

Here is my blanket generalization:
You all want the handsome man, who makes good money working 60+ hours a week so he can give you the life you think you deserve while at the same time being able to come home from that 12 hour day to take care of the kids, cook, clean, fix things, etc ... all with a smile on his face.

The guy basically takes care of you. Do you give him anything in return? and sex doesn't count as a reward...

Please don't get offended... it sounds like you have a good guy but don't appreciate it. you say you don't feel loved but he takes care of you. Read that again. Does that make any sense? I think your wants and needs are not realistic.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 08:08 AM   #15
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: What Should We DO!!!!

Does he ever say I love you? I mean, at least once in awhile, like maybe when you go to bed? Do you cuddle in bed? Is there a lack of sex, too, or just romance? If you cuddle up next to him in bed does he push you away? Does he push you away if you were to grab his waist and kiss him on the neck while he's making dinner? Did he used to do romantic things in the beginning of the relationship -- like buy you flowers or open doors? How about you two just take a weekend getaway together? Do you still lust after him, meaning do you desire and find him irresistibly attractive?

I agree with some of the things the other posters have said -- he sounds like a good guy who is "taking care of you" so of course he must love you. You probably did move in too soon together. Time apart might make him realize what he's missing and could give him back some of that romance that used to be there (that is, if it was there). And, some people are just less touchy feeling or less romantic by nature, and it is hard to change someone. They have to want to change. If you give these things some thought or try some of the tips (such as time apart or a vacation or simple compromises) and this is a deal breaker for you, then its a deal breaker and you have to move on.

 
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