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Old 10-06-2006, 06:21 AM   #1
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Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

I live with my fiance. He has been unemployed for a year. I have always supported him all through the way. I was frustrated that he didn't find a job, he turned down few offers that were less prestigeous than his IT posts that he had, likecall centre jobs and stuff like that. I didn't pressurize him to do otherwise. Now after a year, he accepted an offer of a 4-week job (sorting out mail!!!!!!!) to be able to buy his children (from two exes) Christmas presents. Well, I would normally admire anyone else for doing that, BUT in this case we ended up in a crazy fight last night. I told him that it was not very nice of him to rely on me for a whole year. He was so selective about jobs, and now he is taking this job (at night 10pm-7am) and I work 8am -6pm so this is all done regardless to my feelings. I have had panic attacks due to anxiety many times, and his being away at night makes me so sick and tense. He is aware of that. Not being funny here but this is physically the case. He never bothered to do that on Valentine Day, my birthday and numerous occasions. Now I know they are children and I am not but I feel so used. I still pay all the other costs of cars, house, bills, food, literally everything.

Was that unfair of me? We ended up in a nasty nasty fight last night and I feel partly guilty and partly angry. Any opinions are truly appreciated.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 06:44 AM   #2
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Re: Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

well you're a lot more patient than I am.....I wouldn't have put up with a year of an unemployed man sponging off of me. You're absolutely right to be mad. What's he thinking? Why take a temp job when he's obviously qualified to do something better with better pay?
He's taking advantage of you, and if I were you I'd seriously re-think this relationship.......at least hold off on marriage or you will be stuck and miserable. At least right now you can still get rid of him.

 
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Old 10-06-2006, 06:47 AM   #3
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Re: Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

Ooooh, I'd be hot, too.

I hate to do the Monday morning quarterback thing, but I think you should have pressured him to get a job, any job, to help with the finances. What's he been doing during the day for the past year???

Anyway, moving forward, I think what I would do if I were in your shoes is put my anger aside -- as hard as that would be -- sit down with the fiance with a pen, paper, computer close by, want ads out, as well as any local educational institution literature you can get your hands on and work out a plan of action. The IT industry has gone through some massive changes. It just isn't what it used to be. He must have some base of an education to have gotten him to the point he was at within the IT industry. Go from there. His days are free for the next four weeks. He needs to set up appointments with head hunters, vocational counselors, temp agencies. If those don't pan out, he needs to take steps to expand upon whatever education/degree/certificate he currently has in a field he's interested in that may be related to IT. If he hasn't been working and is single, he should have no problem with financial aid.

Prestigious isn't an option right now. Obviously it isn't an option for him with regard to his children. Well, it isn't for you either when you're paying his share of the bills for as long as you have. It's time for you to put your foot down and get firm. I hate to say this, but it may even be time to postpone the engagement until it's apparent that he cares enough about you, your relationship and "your team" to be able to contribute his share financially and not leave it all up to you.

We all hit bumps in the road and need a support system when times are tough, but I have zero respect for freeloaders. A year is much too long to live off of you.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 08:48 AM   #4
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Re: Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
well you're a lot more patient than I am.....I wouldn't have put up with a year of an unemployed man sponging off of me. You're absolutely right to be mad. What's he thinking? Why take a temp job when he's obviously qualified to do something better with better pay?
He's taking advantage of you, and if I were you I'd seriously re-think this relationship.......at least hold off on marriage or you will be stuck and miserable. At least right now you can still get rid of him.
Rose, the first thought that comes to my mind is that many, many women do this to men all the time. They call themselves housewives... the problem is that many of them don't fulfill the traditional role of a housewife.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 08:54 AM   #5
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Re: Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo223
Rose, the first thought that comes to my mind is that many, many women do this to men all the time. They call themselves housewives... the problem is that many of them don't fulfill the traditional role of a housewife.
Well JB the difference here is that he has 2 children from 2 different ex's and should be working to contribute to his childrens needs. In your example, I doubt if most of those "housewives" have other children that they should be paying child support on.

 
Old 10-06-2006, 01:20 PM   #6
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Re: Sensitive issues, advice most welcome

I could never respect, or put up, a man who did not work. Not only that, but he has two children he isn't supporting. That would not fly.

But maybe he has a bunch of other redeeming qualities that make it seem worth it. I don't know what to tell you, except I have no idea why you're still with him, or what you could possibly be feeling guilty about.
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