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Am I being reasonable?

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Old 10-06-2006, 07:15 AM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 4
circlequay HB User
Am I being reasonable?

For the past several months I've been seeing an ex-coworker from the office I used to work at. We were never very close when I worked there, but she basically initiated the relationship just before I left. She was filing for divorce at the time, so I can understand that she didn't want our relationship publicised. But now months later, she still hasn't told anyone about her divorce or that she's seeing me. The other day we were in a taxi and spotted someone from the office on the street. She literally dove down to hide, making herself as small as possible. I've never experienced such a reaction from someone not wanting to be seen with me.

Then there is this other guy, who also no longer works at the office, but whom she always seemed chummy with. She told me that he had been expressing interest in her for the past year and once told her that he wanted to f#!# her on the conference table. I offered to speak to him, but she said she could handle it herself. So this guy also left and held a reunion gathering at his apartment this week. When my gf asked if I was going, I told her there was no way in hell I would go to that jerk's home. I couldn't believe that she would even ask, in light of his inappropriate behaviour -- towards her! But then she actually went herself, and even seemed angry at me for being antisocial. She seems eager for the whole office gang to hang out together, even as the two of us pretend there's nothing between us.

I'm getting quite fed up with this state of affairs and want to understand the rationale for this type of behaviour.

Last edited by circlequay; 10-06-2006 at 07:16 AM.

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Old 10-06-2006, 07:32 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: uk
Posts: 14
odina HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

Hi circlequay,

I think you are right to feel fed up with the situation as it is.

You are a human being with feelings and it seems to me that your g/f is totally disregarding them.

I think she is playing some kind of game.
Why on earth would she want to hide her partner away unless she is hiding something herself.

I would tell her straight that the way she is treating you is not acceptable.
Good luck

Old 10-06-2006, 07:39 AM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 4
circlequay HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

Thanks for your reply Odina. Actually, I was really good friends with those people but have been avoiding every gathering because this guy is always there and because of his "affection" for my gf, which none of the others are aware of. I feel like I've been banished from my circle of friends because of this situation.

Old 10-06-2006, 07:56 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,315
Nina000 HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

I agree: she sounds like she is playing games for attention, and actually trying to wind you up! Do you also know why she has been through a divorce?
What would she say when you ask her WHY does she have to hide when you are together? This is immature. She needs to stand up to her choices, and you might want to reconsider this relationship

Old 10-06-2006, 07:57 AM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Posts: 14
odina HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

I'm really sorry to hear that, even more reason why your g/f should be respecting how you are feeling about the situation.

I wouldn't let this man ruin your social life with your friends.
You should talk to your g/f tonight and tell her that you want your relationship out in the open, then go to the social gatherings as a couple.

I guess it isn't the guys fault if he has an attraction to your g/f and has no idea that you are an item. That is why your relationship should be made public.


Old 10-06-2006, 08:13 AM   #6
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 197
JBravo223 HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

Something doesn't sound right...

A couple of weeks ago I was in a similiar situation... my ex-girlfriend (girldfriend at the time) was at a bar with two guys from work and I showed up. When I saw her I went to give her a kiss and she kissed me on the cheek instead. She obviously didn't want them to know we were together... funny thing is that we all used to work together. I was in the IT group with those two guys... she was a receptionist... I left that job back in July. we really didn't air our business at work but I am sure everyone know we were dating.

Anyway it really ****** me off that she didn't acknowledge me as her boyfriend... I found it to be disrespectful and shady...

This girl is trouble for you man. I wouldn't trust her any further than I can see her with my own two eyes. I have a good feeling that you will be posting here in a couple of weeks about how she is cheating on you with that guy from work. That is a guarantee!!!

Old 10-06-2006, 08:19 AM   #7
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Am I being reasonable?

OK I have a bit of a different perspective. I've been through a divorce, and it took me a LONG time to tell my coworkers about it, even though I had already started dating someone else as I was going through the divorce. There can be quite a bit of shame and embarassment involved, and just a few months isn't really long enough to overcome that. It might be easier for some, and maybe I'm just a bit immature (or I don't like to be a "quitter" so to speak), but it took me about 9 months before I really started talking about it. And it took about that long before my family knew I was seeing someone else. Was she still married and living with her husband when you two started dating?

Another question -- does this other guy -- the coworker who is hitting on her--know that she is getting (or is already - which is it) divorced? Or does he think she's still married? It seems to me, based on your timeline, that he asked to have sex with her while she was still married (you say it was a year ago) and he knew she was married. If that's the case, then I don't think it would matter at all to him that you're now her boyfriend.

And if that's the case and if I were you, I'd of gone to that party. I mean, you should be able to trust her and all that, but still, just to be sure. And, especially if these people are your friends, too.

What would happen if you spilled the beans to these people? Would she dump you? You probably want to talk to her about this soon. While it may be that she was embarassed or felt it might be preceived as "too soon" for her to start dating someone else, if it has now been many months, it is time to be open about it all.

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