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Old 10-06-2006, 02:59 PM   #1
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its profound

this might be a little lengthy.
ten years ago i started hanging out with the person who is now my wife. we had a sort of thing where we were both on the rebound. i'd met her before several times and was intimidated by her. yet we started being a litte involved. i was indifferent. i didn't like her much and still don't. i don't want to sound like a jerk but i just went with it. she gave me a letter one day saying she was in love with me. it was a very uncompassionate letter. like, take me or leave me. i don't care. i think i love you. what's someone supposed to think? i think she knew i never loved her and got frustrated. i told her i thought the note was sweet and didn't say much more. yet, we still hung out. i never made a move on her. i let her do that. our first kiss was her basically attacking me and jamming her tongue in my mouth. is that supposed to be "turned on" or just frustrated. she's had better kisses from guys on the street. we had sex one day and i didn't really want to. when someone says"when are we going to f...?" i don't get a good feeling about it. and i'm not some kind of prude either. anyway, we had sex. it was ok.
i think that's why she went and had sex with 6 other people in a very short time. we never committed til later. we went through many episodes where we didn't see each other and during that time she had some fun. who can blame her? but the thing is, the thing i'm trying to get across is this: i'm profoundly unbeleiveably obssessed with her now. it was in 95 we first saw each other. we were married in 1999 after having our first child. i didn't want to marry her but i did anyway. it was a mistake. i fell in love with her sister two days after the wedding. its sick i know. but not as sick as this sexual obsession i ended up with. one night in 2003 she insisted i watch the movie BOogie nights. i didn't want to cause i knew what it consisted of.
i was right in my feelings. i watched the movie.
i was utterly totally consumed by the men she'd been with. and this is sick i know: i read her notebooks too. that really ****** her off and it would me too if she did it. but something pushed me to it. i read stuff i hadn't read before. stuff that obviously meant she was way more stimulated with others than with me. iKNEW that in the beginning! i accpted that. now i can't accppt it. its been three years ago since boogie nights. and i'm still going nuts. and i never loved at all. yet i feel, i swear to god, heartbroken. angry and heartbroken. over someone i never even liked. its profound. and i can't seem to dig myself out. HELP!

 
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Old 10-06-2006, 03:34 PM   #2
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Re: its profound

I think a lot of your troubles would have been headed off at the pass if you were more pro-active about your life. You just sit back and let things happen to you. You never even liked this woman, yet you went ahead and had sex with her, married her, and had a kid?

A lot of things about your post are really confusing. You say you fell in love with her sister, but don't elaborate. And I'm not sure what the movie Boogie Nights has to do with anything.

It's a little late to be angry now. What you can do is start to take charge of your life, and actually start being true to yourself. If you have a child that needs to be your number one priority. Are you still with your wife? Are you going to try to work on the relationship or what?
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Old 10-06-2006, 04:09 PM   #3
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Re: its profound

i just threw that out didn't i? without thought.
the movie boogie nights triggered the sexual obsession. have you seen it?
i fell in love with her sister. her sister came to the wedding then left for russia. i cried over it and got over it in a few days. the reason i said so is to specify how easy it was to fall for someone else. even right after marrying someone. but again, i never liked this woman yes that's true. why did i go along with it? i'm not sure. i put up with my father's crap for years and still lived with him. its kinda the same thing.
and when i get involved with someone who's a control freak, even if i say no, which i failed to state that i DID say on several occasions, its no use. the person will not take no for an answer. i know its confusing. sorry. its a confusing relationship. and i'm a confusing person in the first place.

if i say yes, then i'm a wimp. if i say no, then i'm a jerk. which one did i choose. to be a wimp. i guess that's my own put down of myself. but i'm trying so hard to be proactive. its very difficult. i've grown attached over these years. trying to break that is thee most difficult thing i've tried. its not working. i'm doing yoga and meditation. which i'm not new to. trying to breath out these thoughts and work through them. and work through this attachment. i'm still with her and living with her. we have tried to work it out. it isn't going to work. but why am i still there? my children are there for one. have two by the way. and again i'm incredibly attached. we have sex sometimes and it makes things comfortable for a bit. then we (or both of us) make it go right back to bad again. its just more bad than good. i gotta stop this and get out of there. i would find someone else but noone wants anything to do with me cause i can't get over this woman. whom i never even liked! god......

 
Old 10-08-2006, 08:21 PM   #4
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Question Re: its profound



I'm more confused after reading your 2nd post, but to summarize it's basically:

1. You married someone that you never loved or cared about.
2. You actually started a family with someone that you don't care about.
3. Now you want to know what should you do?

What do you think? Obviously you've invested something into this relationship (as to what? who knows, but obviously it's not your feelings) because you wouldn't be feeling angry and heartbroken now. Although I do wonder what you're heartbroken about if your heart was never involved in this relationship. Are you scared that outside of her you will end up alone? That is no reason to stay with someone.

You've got some choices here:

1. Tough it out and seek the help of marriage couselor if you think it's worth saving. Let the expert help you deal with this relationship.
2. Leave the relationship and find someone you actually care about. I also suggest you talk to a couselor on your own because you obviously have some self-esteem problem if you think "no one want anything to do with you."

Don't let your kids be the deciding factor. From the way you describe the relationship it does not sound like a health one and I don't think it will create a loving environment for your kids to grow up in.

Pro-active starts with making a decision as to how to get out of a tough situation.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 08:45 PM   #5
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Re: its profound

welll if you have kids and are starting to fall for her now, why do you want to leave... why dont you try and make it work? do you guys fight a lot, cant see eye to eye, what exactly is the problem in the marriage now?

 
Old 10-09-2006, 01:09 PM   #6
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toddb HB User
Re: its profound

what is a counseler going to say? they will say exactly what you've all said so what's the point of going? i've already heard it here.
a profound feeling of attachment needs to be eradicated. done away with somehow. the problem is i don't know how. it consumes me and burns in me. is a counseler going to help do away with it? no. is she going to help? no. the children are too pure and beautiful to understand it. its a complexity and pain that feels eternal. this attachment to her. how did it happen? i don't know. how can one be so attached to someone they didn't even like? how can we feel this much pain over them? it can happen. what is the attachment exactly? i don't know. i've got to figure out how and why i'm attached. it seems i'm only confusing people on here so i should stop posting.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 01:36 AM   #7
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Question Re: its profound

I think you making things way too complex then it needs to be. This is the reason why I suggested the couselor idea because they actually got training to dealing with your profoundness.

Also online strangers are not couselors. Couselors can actually make your follow some goals or plans to get yourself out of whatever you want to be out of.

 
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