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Old 10-07-2006, 02:20 PM   #1
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want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Ok, so it has been a while since Dave and I have broken up, but he has been staying over in my place quite a lot recently. He has found a house in the same city but not near his family.
Well, the recent nights we spent together were the best we ever had, although there is no intimacy on the physical level at all. He has not had a drink for two months, except for few pints of beer at night. We watched England playing in a pub (because neither of us have sky) and he ordered "an orange juice" and soft drinks the whole time, although he was very nervous and just got paid!!!!! The barmaid was amazed and everyone looked at him as if he was an alien . So I thought this was a breakthrough: An English football crazy drinking orange juice watching his team unheard of!!!!. I also discovered that he had arranged a great surprise for my birthday and was planning it when we were apart.

This has always been my main worry and he seems to be genuinely working on it. There are other negative issues but they are basically fuelled (or even created) by excessive drinking. I don't yet trust him or my nerves to take him back, but I want him to prove it so bad inside of me

I have tried hard not to miss him, been to the Cote D'Zure, kept busy writing in journals and doing reviews, had a couple of bf proposals (including my ex in France and a lovely Spanish friend), had great company sometimes but there was always something missing.

Last night, I was filling in an application for student visa, and he told me that this should be the last time that I had to apply as a student. He said that he wanted to get married to me. I smiled and told him that I CAN'T at the moment think about it at all. SO confused. So overwhelmed with pressure. We had plans early this year but then we went down the hill. I am partly Syrian / partly Russian and I am dead scared of the encounter, and the challenge of having an English husband. I lived with him for 3 years, but he does have SOME different values. I am from a very open background but there are borders for me that don't exist in his life, and you can't change yourself or a man in his 30s. I compromise most of the time but he thinks that he does...

I miss him terribly and my attempts to get him completely out of my life are not working out. I have been a very irritable person and I miss being in love with him. Thi smorning I got up and went to his bed lied next to him. I loved being next to him again.

Don't know what to do but I am very tempted to give him a second chance .

Last edited by Nina000; 10-07-2006 at 03:57 PM.

 
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Old 10-07-2006, 02:35 PM   #2
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JBravo223 HB User
Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

you said

Quote:
He has not had a drink for two months, except for few pints of beer at night.
That is a contradiction and it sounds like you are now willing to settle. Two months of being sober is not enough to prove that he has kicked the habbit. And what happens if you get back together and then he starts drinking again... not in a week or two... let's say in a year. What would you do then? It seems to me that you need to be a little more concerned with yourself.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 02:46 PM   #3
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Thanks JBravo .....Ok, I bought him 3 cans of beer because I had a wine last FRIDAY. I don't think this is outrageous or important, and he was happy with that. Even his family think that he changed, and the reason why they think that is, he has been an Alcoholic, a hardcore one, like he would binge drink, esp when the football is on. He lost jobs because of that in the past. So regardless of whether we get back together or not, I am still happy and I still think that he is making the effort. Yeah, not quite certain how long this is going to last, and I see your point about him going back to drinking if we were to get back!!! But can't wait a whole year That sounds like a lifetime! Don't know...

Last edited by Nina000; 10-07-2006 at 04:14 PM.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 02:49 PM   #4
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Hi Nina:

If I am allowed to say anything, I would say that this situation is like a shot in the dark.

The impression I get about Dave, from your report, is that he is not mature enough.

Frankly speaking, is there no sex between the two of you? How come a man in his thirties apparently has no sexual outlet? Is he chaste?

Anyway, I wouldn't choose to marry a person whom I missed terribly [your words?]. This could mean that my love for him/her was at the highest level ever, and the tendency would be for it to decrease henceforth, if you see what I mean. But I would marry someone whom I loved very much (but not excessively) and who often made me smile.

On the other hand, you have known him for a rather long time, so you probably know what to expect from him or what can't be changed about him.

Did I get it right that he in an ex-alcoholic? I don't understand much about this, but if I were in your shoes, I would be worried about a possible relapse.

It is not that I mean to let you down or disappoint you, but having and keeping a relationship is a most difficult thing, you know. You must be ready to develop patience, tolerance and give up your perfectionism. Am I teaching grandma to suck eggs?

I think a few questions that might lead to a consistent decision are these:

Do you want a family? children?
What about Dave?
Do you think he would be a father good enough? Is he generous?
What projects of life do you share? What hobbies?
Do you enjoy the same foods? going to the same places together?
Does he help you with the chores?
Do you think he respects you? What is his reaction when (if ever) he sees you crying or worried?
Do you know his friends? What do they spontaneously tell you about him?

Well, I hope I have not made you further confused.

Take care.

JC

 
Old 10-07-2006, 03:43 PM   #5
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by José Carlos
I think a few questions that might lead to a consistent decision are these:

Do you want a family? children?
What about Dave?
Do you think he would be a father good enough? Is he generous?
What projects of life do you share? What hobbies?
Do you enjoy the same foods? going to the same places together?
Does he help you with the chores?
Do you think he respects you? What is his reaction when (if ever) he sees you crying or worried?
Do you know his friends? What do they spontaneously tell you about him?

Well, I hope I have not made you further confused.

Take care.

JC
Thank you JC for your reply

Ok, he is far from being chaste, he is so sensual and he has a son with an ex who, together with his drinking problems, and not being allowed to see his son (since ever he knew me), has aggravated his tension so badly. I think that he is a wonderful father as much as he is "allowed" to be. His ex is in a different country and has taken advantage of distance/law/his drinking issues and his "softness" to be in full control of when he can see his son.

We used to have great sex before our break-up. But he doesn't put me under pressure, esp since I have been physiaclly stressed by PhD deadline, work, and most importantly our relationship turmoil.I don't want to risk getting pregnant either (I don't want a child with my study and without the security of settling with a responsible husband) I can love him as much as I want but I don't have to take decisions of bringing a child to this world before ensuring that I can provide him or her with everything great within my control. He has met my family and stayed at my mum's for weeks last summer. We were due to get married last January but things got progressively worse. His mum supports his ex and invites her over to hers,she and his son stay in "his" bedroom. So this lack of respect for me didn't help either. He feels caught in the middle: He doesn't want to hurt me but he doesn't want his ex to prevent his 70-year-old parents from seeing their grandson. The only person I know is his BIL who has been so good to me but no, he has no friends where we live because he moved here to be with me and he lost jobs due to drinking issues, and so he was not able to make long-term friends in work. He is quite intelligent and he gets decent jobs easily but it is still a shame what he did to himself. His dad speaks to me on the phone sometimes and I think the world of his dad. Last Christmas he sent like 10 presents to me and was always fair to me but he can't stand up to his mum, and this is the problem.

As long as maurity is concerned, well he is a 37-year-old who lived in the Canary Islands for 6 years, in Germany for 2 years, in Kieve, in France, in Spain and had decent jobs in most of these. He is a great writer, PhD student.
He speaks many languages and is open to other cultures. I think that he is only VERY immature when he drinks.
He is great when he is sober, and we LOVE cooking International dishes (Indian Mexican Arabic Spanish). There is no single restaurant that we haven't been to. He always helped with the all house chores without asking him to do so. Despite all our disagreements, his mum likes me for getting him to take interest in shopping for Indian spices, and kitchen stuff like glasses and that This is something he never did, so maybe I made him more domestic. He lived a very exciting life, been paid to fly to many countries to write articles in journals, he is very outgoing and gentle.

We have been through very rough times but I feel that he wants to change. I feel that there is no one who is perfect and maybe I can be more tolerant and patient if I don't take him for granted and accept that he has issues that need sorting out.

Sorry for the long post but I just wanted ro take it out of my system YOur post helped. Thanks

Last edited by Nina000; 10-07-2006 at 04:17 PM.

 
Old 10-07-2006, 03:59 PM   #6
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Nina:

You sure made me like this guy.

Now I can see - without any doubt - that you are an intelligent woman and I feel that you wouldn't make wrong choices.

Best to you. "Preevyet".

JC

 
Old 10-07-2006, 04:30 PM   #7
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Hi Nina! As much as I'd like to agree with your assessment of the situation, I just don't see how your ex will ever be the right guy for you. Sorry. To me, it seems like your ex from a long time ago who lives in France now, is a much better choice. Or perhaps someone you haven't even met yet. But not Dave. Just my honest opinion. Good luck!

 
Old 10-07-2006, 04:39 PM   #8
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Thanks JC again, you make me smile.

Sophia, I am so glad to read your post and appreciate your opinion very much. You have always been a great help and I will give myself plenty of time before any decisions Glad to see you back anyway

 
Old 10-07-2006, 11:53 PM   #9
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
He has not had a drink for two months, except for few pints of beer at night.
This is not abstaining from alcohol. This is drinking. And being broken up with someone means you don't see them. You have not spent any significant amount of time actually apart from this man.

It sounds like you just want to give him this second chance (although it is actually a fifth or sixth chance) and would like to hear verification that it's okay. But it sounds like a really bad idea, in terms of your long-term mental health and your agenda. You have not spent anytime getting to know who you are and what you want. Do you think it's possible that you are afraid to be alone?

He hasn't had enough time to change. Why do you think that he could have? And why do you think that his mother is the problem? It's up to him to fix his own life, and his own problems with his ex.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 01:32 AM   #10
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Hello! I don't really know much about the whole story, but I am a bit confused. You seem to be very concerned about his sobriety and feel that his drinking was the cause of many of your issues that caused a break up. So then why, would YOU buy him some beer? If he is drinking alcohol, then he has not 'not had a drink'. He has. And you put that temptation under his nose, whilst blaming that very thing for ruining your relationship. Sorry, but it doesn't make sense. You don't offer drugs to a drug addict that is trying to reform, just as you don't offer alcohol to someone who is trying to become sober. You are not, therefore, supporting him in his efforts to become sober... you are making it harder, and also saying that it's okay to drink (but only when you say?).

Like I said though, I know very little of the story... but from your post I hear desperation, a willingness to settle, and excuses.

I also sense a determination to get back with him though, no matter what. And if you do, at least be realistic. There is the chance that the past will come back to haunt. There is a chance that he will start drinking again and the same issues will re-occur. There is a chance that once things are 'settled' again then you may again feel the same feelings of having to be the only one compromising, same fights etc. Not saying it will happen, but there is a possibility as people very rarely completely change overnight... so getting back together with him should be done only with full acceptance of these possibilities.
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Old 10-08-2006, 08:26 PM   #11
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

Nina, you are so smart in so many ways, but when it comes to alcoholism you have no clue. An alcoholic cannot drink a little, they cannot drink at all. Even with constant help and counseling, they are never 'cured'. Your excuses are typical enabling behavior. I have been in two very long relationships with addicted men. The first one went into treatment, was sober for five years, he even mentored others. We broke up because he returned to his addiction. The second man quit drinking before I met him. We were together for 5 years and he never drank. One day he decided he could casually drink, and he did for several years, then suddenly the drinking became unmanagable again. He never got the help he needed, and we broke up, he still drinks to this day.
Any professional will tell you that it take a lot of time, help and dedication to quit drinking. But it is best that the alcoholic NOT be in a relationship while they are attempting to dry up ( well, Dave is not offically dry).
You are sounding like a true codependent by making excuses for him and enabling his life. If you read the book "Codependent No More" I have a feeling you will see yourself all over the pages. Wonderful guy or not, you need to stay away.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 09:32 AM   #12
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

oh Nina .....

that's all I can say........oh Nina....

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:47 PM   #13
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Re: want to forget the past and get back with my ex!!!

I'd have to second rose in this case, Nina.

I strongly suggest you go through the archives of this board and read your very own posts for advice - because in them you will be reminded of what it was like being in a relationship with this man.

Aside from the alcohol, he put his ex wife and the child in a different place than you in his priority - he would blame you for the lack of time with his child, he would go to parties that his family would invite HER to but not you - do any of these things ring a bell?

Go back and read your posts. Dave caused you many months - even years - of heartache, and loneliness.

You were more lonely WITH Dave, than you seem to have been without. And now he's right back by your side slipping into your life again. You need to step back, live alone, and regain YOURSELF before you even consider letting this guy back into your life.

I'm serious. Go read your past posts and really *remember* how much pain he caused you for years. Maybe this will remind you what it's really like, it's hard not to look back on the past with rose tinted glasses when you're desperate for any reason to stop feeling bad about a breakup.

You're stronger than that, I really hope you don't fall into your own self abusive habit by getting back with him.

 
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