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Old 10-07-2006, 11:16 PM   #1
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WhyIsThisMyLife HB User
Husband and Finances

I will try to keep this as brief as possible. The other day, I asked my husband to put $25.00 more per pay period ($100.00) a month in our joint savings. We already put $400.00 in their a month each. My point was that we are about to undergo IVF which is costly and if we do get pregnant we are going to have to think about time off when I am not working and day care costs. He told me he could not afford it. Then he told me he maxed out his credit cards. He makes apx. 3700 a month net. He gives me $1000.00 for house hold accounts. He pays his car insurance and the cell phone bills. I pay my car insurance and groceries. He didn't want me to see the statements, but finally relented. He had many cash advances, late fee charges, over the limit charges and he made small payments. He used his credit card at places like McDonalds and 711. Even when I gave him money (for instance if we stayed at a hotel, I would pay half and give it to him in cash), he would pocket the cash and put the room on his credit card. His credit is not that great and now he has almost $7,000.00 in credit card debt which has accumulated in the last year. The worse thing is that about a year or so ago, I consolidated his accounts on one low interest card of mine. He has been paying that (late a couple of times) which made the interest rate go up. I called and talked them down to 1.99% until Jun 2007. There have been many occasions I have bailed him out of financial problems. He didn't file for taxes in seven years. When I found out, I filed for him. He got refunds from federal (in the last three years), but he owed state. I figured I'd pay state with the federal refund, but that didn't work, because he owed money to state for driving a year with no car insurance. I ended up "loaning" him the money to pay that. Then he got in trouble with an apartment he had rented. He told me he gave notice & moved everything out, but that was a lie. They were trying to charge him $6,000.00 in back rent and eviction fees. I talked to them and talked them down to $2,400.00. Then I paid that debt off. When he finally got some money back from federal we were on our way to get married. I told him to just leave the check at home and we would cash it when we returned. Without telling me, he cashed it. I almost felt that was like stealing. After all, it was money he owed me. Now, we are back in another situation with him maxing out his credit cards. He actually also paid some of his bills, like his cell phone bill with his credit card! I mean he makes enough that he should not be living pay check to pay check. When it comes to a lot of things, I pay on my own. Like I paid the house insurance and did not ask him for a dime. He has a big debt that will be coming as soon as the catch up with him & when I gave him the money for the apartment it was with the promise he would save up money for when he is finally contacted about that debt. When I learned he only had $500.00 in the bank I was so mad. We had a big fight over it and I got drunk and said very mean things. Now, I am the one apologizing. He wants to work things out on his own and I want him to take my advice and transfer all of his accounts into the 1.99% account that is in my name. His accounts have 19, 23 and 25 % interest rates! He says he knows he over spends and says please let him handle it, he doesn't want me always bailing him out. I don't either, but I want him to be responsible. I'm 40. If we break up over this, my dreams of mother hood will basically be over. I have one marriage proposal from a guy who is already married, but I don't want him. I want my husband to be more responsible. My mother says he will never change. And I am always the bad guy for yelling, flying off the handle and saying mean things. When we argue over things like this its always about the way I argue more than about the things he does that causes problems. Like he has been caught at lies several times, so now he gets mad if I don't believe something he says. I do love him. I wish he could change, but he will not take any of my advice and really does not want to talk about the financial situation and the changes he says he is trying to make to improve. I would like to know this without starting a fight. Leaving him to handle things on his own has caused this problem. I just don't know how to go about asking him without their being a fight. Any suggestions?

Last edited by WhyIsThisMyLife; 10-07-2006 at 11:21 PM.

 
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Old 10-08-2006, 02:49 AM   #2
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Re: Husband and Finances

Maybe you could try working with him, cause yelling at him and shaming him will not help to resolve either of your issues, he will just try and keep it from you even more (and more likely mess it up even more)... Try helping him to sort out his financial problems instead of taking over and 'bailing him out'. Don't take it on yourself, make him be accountable and leave it in his own name... but can you consolidate it into a low interest account in his name as well? Don't attack him, stay on his side and work TOGETHER to help him solve these issues. From your post, I get alot of 'his' and 'mine'. Whilst he should be responsible for his finances and spending, he obviously is not good with money and needs guidance and suggestions that he can use to sort things out himself. You know how ego's can be. They can be very fragile, so he needs to feel like you are on his side and supporting him, and he needs to do these things himself (with your subtle guidance in the background!!) so he can learn how to handle things in the future.

My sister has just gone through IVF, and I understand your concerns... just the cost of the procedures is so expensive, let alone after the baby arrives.

Good luck!

Editted for spelling... also apologies if I don't make sense and ramble, but I'm tired!!
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Last edited by StormGirl; 10-08-2006 at 02:51 AM.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 10:20 AM   #3
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tertree HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

have you thought about going to a financial advisor? maybe he would listen to someone outside your immediate circle.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 12:31 PM   #4
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WhyIsThisMyLife HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

Thank you. I will try to talk to him. I'm just so mad (and sad) that the financial position I thought we were in since we are going to start IVF this month is totally wrong. He knows the possibility of multiple births and it is so expensive. I wanted us to be bill free and to be hit with this was just tremendous. I have been working OT and saving quite a bit in preparation and he has done just the opposite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StormGirl
Maybe you could try working with him, cause yelling at him and shaming him will not help to resolve either of your issues, he will just try and keep it from you even more (and more likely mess it up even more)... Try helping him to sort out his financial problems instead of taking over and 'bailing him out'. Don't take it on yourself, make him be accountable and leave it in his own name... but can you consolidate it into a low interest account in his name as well? Don't attack him, stay on his side and work TOGETHER to help him solve these issues. From your post, I get alot of 'his' and 'mine'. Whilst he should be responsible for his finances and spending, he obviously is not good with money and needs guidance and suggestions that he can use to sort things out himself. You know how ego's can be. They can be very fragile, so he needs to feel like you are on his side and supporting him, and he needs to do these things himself (with your subtle guidance in the background!!) so he can learn how to handle things in the future.

My sister has just gone through IVF, and I understand your concerns... just the cost of the procedures is so expensive, let alone after the baby arrives.

Good luck!

Editted for spelling... also apologies if I don't make sense and ramble, but I'm tired!!

 
Old 10-08-2006, 12:34 PM   #5
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WhyIsThisMyLife HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

I asked about a financial advisor a while back because I wanted to try some investing. He didn't want that. He wanted to do it himself online. He doesn't know anything about investing. So I bought a book Idiot's guide to Savvy Investing. He didn't even read it. So, I asked him not to use any of my money from our joint savings in his online investing. He can't admit he doesn't know what he is doing & if I tell him that it hurts his ego. So, now I'm in the position to "trust" he is going to fix this & he refuses to tell me his plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tertree
have you thought about going to a financial advisor? maybe he would listen to someone outside your immediate circle.

 
Old 10-08-2006, 01:42 PM   #6
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Re: Husband and Finances

Your mother is right, you aren't going to change him. All you can do is decide whether or not this is something you want to put up with for the rest of your life.
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Old 10-09-2006, 10:23 AM   #7
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Destea HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

Truthfully from his track record, he needs to accept that he seemingly CAN'T gather control of his spending, he's old enough to know better, I'd say until you feel you CAN trust him (or he genuinely believes he's helped his bad habits), you should have him move all of this things into a card in your name - so you're getting the statements - and then have him put ALL of his paychecks into YOUR account (or the joint account, but really, he probably shouldn't have full access to anything until he knows how to handle money - this strongly effects BOTH of you, he's being very selfish). You can decide on a 'monthly allowance' - but you'll cover the bills with both of your paychecks.

It does mean more bill paying on your end, as you'll have to remember his bills + yours, but with his whole paycheck and only money coming from you directly - NO CREDIT CARDS - maybe this will force him into a little responsbility? He really doesn't seem to be able to control himself with money.. not a good sign if you're trying to raise a family

 
Old 10-09-2006, 03:50 PM   #8
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

What in the world is he buying all the time that he overspends like that?

Are you sure he doesn't have other problems like a gambling addiction or something else that would cost a lot of money?

And, marriage counselors often deal with these same problems. I suggest seeing one before you go broke!!

 
Old 10-09-2006, 07:10 PM   #9
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sunshine0806 HB User
Re: Husband and Finances

You would stay with a man who basically stole from you because it's your last chance at motherhood (?). Wow. He sounds very unwilling to even admit he has a problem. What can be done if he won't even listen - any relationship is a two-way street. I don't want to sound judgmental - I just have really hard time understanding why women stay in marriages like this. I would also wonder what the heck or who the heck he's spending this money on. And you're trying to have a BABY??

 
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