My girlfriend and I just "dated" for about 2 months before we actually decided to get together officially and exclusively as boyfriend and grilfriend. I'm 18 and she's about to turn 21. We've been officially together for nearly 2 1/2 months now. And I just found out the worst possible news a few days ago.
Her ex-boyfriend came into my work and told me that she "stayed with him" on the 23rd, while I was hanging out with her friend. She moved about an hour away from me not too long ago, so I had been seeing her a lot less. Thinking back to that night, I remember getting a feeling of intuition and that something was wrong, I called her up and asked what was up, and she immediately got all defensive and said she was all by herself at her house. Alright then.
Well the details. Her ex-boyfriend is a piece of crap and treated her like one as well for 3 years while they were together. I'm talking over-controlling, mean, even beat her a few times. I've been told by herself and others who know her that I've been the nicest guy she's ever had, and the best one for her since shes been through so much.
Long story short, I got her to admit that she slept with him that night and lied to me. She says she feels terrible and all we have talked about since is that. Shes apologized so many times but I still feel upset, angry, and hurt. Many of the times we've talked (all of which over the phone, because shes been out of town) I have kind of taken my anger out on her. I have already said that I will forgive her and that I still love her, but I just need some advice or help on how to deal with the fact that it happened and that fact she cheated and lied. At this point in time, I feel like the feeling will never go away.
Oh, and one more thing, her 21st birthday is Monday the 9th. I had planned on buying her some really nice gifts and even told her I was going all out for her. After the cheating happened I vowed not to get her anything but a card, but yesterday at the mall I felt guilty and went and bought her one of the nice gifts I was going to get her. It put me in a bad spot though, becuase since this has happened she doesn't want to go out and do anything for her birthday and doesn't care what we do for the occasion. In a way I don't think she deserves anything from me after what she did but I want her to have a good birthday.
My advice to you would be to move on. This girl sounds like she has a lot of baggage to deal with before she can be a compatible mate for you, or anyone else for that matter. How can you trust her again when she had sex with another guy after only 2 months!?!? Especially with a man who has been physically and mentally abusive to her in the past.
I know it seems like harsh advice, but you seem like a nice guy who really doesn't deserve to deal with something like this, especially when you're only 18 and have your entire future ahead of you.
why would you deal with it?
you walk away and don't look back
if she gets away with it, she will do it again to you and you will have more time and emotion invested at that time.
cut bait and walk away
she doesn't deserve you or a present for her birthday.....shoot, she doesn't even deserve a card.
Well, I'm dealing with it because I love her and we are starting over and I decided to give her another chance. I believe she is genuinely sorry for what she did. Plus, I don't want to go back to my old ways, it took me a long time to get where I'm at.
She even let me go on her my-space and delete and block ANY guy I dislike that she has a past with or has talked to/flirted with. And when she comes back to town I get to delete any guy's phone numbers from her cell phone I want. She offered all of that up to me which she has NEVER done and is a big deal for her because she has always defended her right to speak to other guys. She also knows that she is going to have to earn back my trust and respect, and it will take time.
Have I done the right thing, and like my original question, how can I effectively deal with the fact it happened now that I have let her have a second chance?
PS - just edited my post, why does it block out the word my space together as one when I post?
No. I very much doubt you'll find anyone on here who would tell you you've made the right decision. Rarely, a situation like yours might work out ok - maybe she won't cheat ever again, and maybe you'll get back to trusting her 100%. However, most people's past experiences have told them that this is VERY unlikely to happen.
I know you want to believe she'll change, but it just isn't likely, especially after you've only been together 2 1/2 months and she's already cheated once.
Something to think about: what will happen the next time she meets her 'abusive' ex and you're not around? I'd bet they'll end up sleeping together, because it sounds like he's got some hold over her (from their previous abusive relationship) that he'll continue to use to get his way with her (i.e. sex).
Originally Posted by AZ18
She even let me go on her my-space and delete and block ANY guy I dislike that she has a past with or has talked to/flirted with. And when she comes back to town I get to delete any guy's phone numbers from her cell phone I want.
I'm sorry but this just seems like a rubbish, empty gesture from her. So what if you delete numbers from her phone, and vet her my space entries? Does that mean she can't/won't ever communicate with these people again? I think not...
I know you may not like to hear this, but it's the truth from an outsiders perspective, which is presumably what you came here for.
You're still very young, so why get tied down to someone who has all this baggage, and has already betrayed your trust? I know it's hard thinking there is a better person out there for you, but honestly there is. Please find her so you can be truely happy
This girl sounds like garbage. I'd toss her out with the rest of the trash and not look back. I have no idea what prompted you to take her back, but it sounds like you're totally settling, and therefore this relationship will never work out. You could have avoided this by ditching her and not looking back.
I think the other poster's warnings are justified and accurate. Allowing you to delete other guy's numbers off her cell phone -- so what? Why does she need them there in the first place? I've been in abusive relationships myself and so I know that she probably has low self esteem which can really screw up her mind, causing her to do stupid things like dump a nice guy and go off with an abusive one. It's not you that has the problem -- it is her, and she's going to cause you problems. It is true that you need to love yourself before you can love others. Since she doesn't love herself, how can she treat you like you deserve? She needs her self esteem boosted by sleeping with her ex and flirting with other guys. And now she is going to be 21 and going out to the bars, etc. I think you've been too forgiving. She's used to dealing with an abusive jerk -- quite often girls like that will walk all over a nice guy. Be careful that she doesn't take advantage of you in that way, because you'll end up losing. There are other girls out there who would appreciate and respect a nice guy and would be faithful to you, no questions asked. You're too young to settle down anyway.
Precisely. His opening line said "we decided to get together officially and exclusively as boyfriend and grilfriend."
Now, assuming they decided this together, he had every right to expect her to be faithful. Ok, so they're not married which means it's easy for one or other to decide it isn't working and walk away, but it doesn't make it any more acceptable to go behind someone's back and sleep around.
Unfortunately it seems like he's decided to forgive her, which is admirable but most people agree is somewhat naieve given the probability that it will happen again, or at the very least there will be lots of issues to deal with.
2 1/2 months is way to early to "commit" to anyone.
Give me a break folks, dating is NOT marriage, or even engaged, or even cohabitation.
And if a piece of paper is "nothing", why not get one if it makes no difference?
No one is saying you have to marry someone to love them.
I lived with a couple of guys in the 70's. I was engaged twice before I finally got married. Was "cheated on" by one of them.
The difference is that I never made him out to be an adulterer. We weren't married. Yes it hurt. I cried buckets.
But it was NOT adultery & he was technically free to do what he wanted. It DID tell me however that this guy was NOT the kind of guy I could trust enough to marry.
This particular poster needs to walk away from his relationship just as I did from mine.
What she did was a warning bell of what she might be like in a truly committed relationship.
That is what DATING is supposed to do. Its supposed to let you see if the person you are dating could be a lifetime partner. Not make you monogomous after a couple of months.
Just to give you an update, she came back to town Monday (on her birthday), we had an amazing day, I forgot about everything, we watched a couple movies and I took her out to a nice restaurant. Came back to my parent's house, had cake and opened gifts. I was fine while she was around and had little anxiety or anger towards her. I think I am getting better about it, it still hurts just as much though, but I'm learning to look past it I guess.