It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-08-2006, 03:43 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 207
sunshine0806 HB User
Situation with former boss

I worked at a small business, for a man (I'll call him Sam) that I was really into. I know that he was attracted to me too because of the looks he'd give me and the small touches that he didn't give other employees. You see, I thought for awhile that he didn't want to pursue things because he behaved flirtaciously, but didn't make a move. But, I think that it had to do w/the work environment. He tried to get me a waitressing job at this bar that he spends a lot of time at (he's on the board there). I had been looking for an extra job to make more $, but the store manager and I both thought he had a hidden agenda behind the offer. I wasn't that interested, but I interviewed anyway because he wanted me to check it out. I decided then that I wanted to do it, to spend more time with him if anything else. I ended up not even hearing back from the job, and shortly after gave up on the whole thing and started looking at better jobs outside of the area. That's when we stopped working together as much since his other business was picking up, and I ended up leaving soon after.

I took a job that I didn't like, came back for a few months, then left to pursue a post-grad certificate program out of town. I had gotten Sam out of my head, and planned to stay in the city and work after graduation. Things looked good, but then my apartment was robbed right before graduation. It was a nightmare - crime had been increasing, but I had planned to look at nicer apts. soon. I decided it was a sign that city life wasn't for me and I fled "home" to stay with my parents while sorting things out. This was late Aug. The problem is, jobs are very limited here, esp. in my career field. It's been very difficult, and I just now have a few strong leads. I called former employers to check in and let them know what I was doing. Sam said that the business was closing, and that I should come and work at the final sale in Oct. He said he'd call when they needed me. My feelings for Sam came flooding back after talking to him. He had always helped me when times got rough, and I felt a strong connection to him. He's also married, though they had a tenuous relationship, and I'm honestly not sure they're still married. It's been a year. I kind of felt like he was waiting for me to make a move, and that's why things never progressed. We spent more time apart near the end of my employment, but he still made comments to the manager hinting at why wasn't I talking to him as much, and did I really want to leave. I was upset that the opportunity to spend more time around him didn't work out, and was focused on moving on. But, now I really regret leaving, and I regret not telling him how I feel. I'm afraid to work for him again, even for a little while, because of the awkwardness. I thought about calling or texting him to tell him that I already got a job (which isn't far from the truth since I think one of these jobs will work out), but that I really appreciate his help. I also want so much to tell him how I feel - that I should've been honest with him before. I've been dwelling so much on the past lately because I'm at a confusing point and reminders of him and my past are everywhere here. I don't know why I feel the need to bring this up after a year's time, but this past year has taught me that I have to take a chance and go after what I want - I've seen a lot that I'd never been exposed to, and I've really changed, for better or worse. I'm not looking for judgment because I know the implications of what I want to do. I just have no idea how he'll react (if I can even get up the nerve to say anything). I don't expect anything out of this - I just want it to be out in the open because I'll prolly hear from him/see him again. We've always been honest with each other about everything before, everything but this. What do I say? What do you think he'll say (judging on what I've said)?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-09-2006, 11:13 AM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

OK so you want to tell your former boss, who is married, that you have feelings for him, after it has been a year since you worked with him or really spent any time with him? That sounds like a huge mistake to me! It sounds like there may have been some innocent flirting between you two, but nothing more -- so what makes you think that this married man is going to respond in a positive way to your proclamation? I think you should be worried about working with him again, as you obviously have some feelings for him, and working with him will probably just make you like him more. Perhaps he didn't make a move because he was your boss? I mean, there are legal remafications of doing that. And, he is MARRIED!!! Why would you even consider anything if he's married? Don't you feel bad for his wife? And, does he have kids? Based on what you've said, I think he is going to think you're a bit off your rocker if you tell him your feelings. What are you going to say -- "I've always thought you were attractive and I want to be with you." ??? Ack! That could put an end to your professional relationship with him. You have certain things in your post that tells me he wasn't really interested in you ever --- you say he was "hinting" at wondering why you weren't talking to him as much ... "hinting" doesn't really say much. Are you sure you didn't misinterpret the "hint"? He could have just been trying to get you that waitress job to help you make more money... and you say you never heard back from the job--if he's on the board and wanted you to have the job to see you more, don't you think he would've pulled some strings to help you get the job? I think that you are overthinking this too much. And, are you going to even move back to the city? If not, then what would come out of telling him your feelings? I understand wanting to be open and honest, but why not focus your attentions to a man who lives closer to you and is single?

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:27 PM   #3
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 207
sunshine0806 HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

have certain things in your post that tells me he wasn't really interested in you ever ---

minnesotagirl, If you had been there and heard and seen some of the things he's said and done, it would be obvious to you or anyone else that he was interested in me. I responded passively to it, which probably led him to believe that *I* wasn't interested. As far as the job at the bar, he's not the manager and he doesn't make that decision. I know that he had talked to him on several occasions to try and get me the job, but honestly I don't have the demeanor for waitressing or much interest in it.

I think that I'm just going to wait until I see him or talk to him again and just see how things go. As I said, I've gone through a lot this past year and am really emotional and vulnerable. I'm trying to work on thinking things through before making risky choices. As far as him being married, I'm not going to get into that except to say, no I don't really feel sorry for her for various reasons. I haven't even done anything - I don't even know if I will. He's the one that initiated the flirtation and made the comments, not me. If he hadn't given me several indications that he was interested, then I would've given up interest. If I work there again, I think that I'll just be professional like before (even though it's difficult when he isn't always) and see what happens. I'm not really comfortable saying anything.

Last edited by sunshine0806; 10-09-2006 at 12:30 PM.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 01:13 PM   #4
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 679
Bracelet HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

Ok, so here's my take.... I just watched my best friend go through an extremely bitter divorce with her husband, who had an affair with some girl he knew many years ago. It was brutal and ugly, and it made me wonder what kind of woman would willingly go after a man who is married.

The man has to take some responsibility in the situation. However, the adultress has to take her share of the responsiblity for even initiating something with the married man in the first place. It's just lame to go after someone who is already taken. It's lame. Seriously. Are you honestly going to be happy always being second place and never being anything more than an adultress? That's no way to live your life.

You would be much more emotionally well off if you found someone who was truly 100% devoted to you, and you alone. A married man will NEVER be that for you. If he gets a divorce sometime in the future then - hey - go for it. But as long as this guy is married, it's a really lame idea to get even remotely involved with this guy.

Shame on him for trying to cheat on his wife, but shame on you for considering being a homewrecker.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 05:03 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 207
sunshine0806 HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

Bracelet, unfortunately, it's not that simple. It's easy for some people to look at this simplistically, but you can't say for certain what you would do if you were confronted with a similar situation. No one can control who they are attracted to; you can't just turn off emotions or forget they exist. No one is perfect - until you are, I suggest you reserve judgment. You don't know the whole story in your friend's situation - you only know your friend's side. Plus, marriage, as you know is not forever, and it doesn't mean that your spouse is your soul mate. I think just from my experiences, that men have a real problem with commitment, and most do not belong in marriages. I have had more than one married man flirt with me and even proposition me (to which I always refused). No, I don't feel as a young intern it was my responsibility to keep someone's marriage together when it is the sleazy men in positions of power that were hitting on me! The wives should keep a lasso on their men if they want to save their marriages. It's always the other woman that's to blame - women are to blame for everything, and I'm tired of it. It's society's pressure to be in marriages and people's disapproval of extra-marital relations and open marriage that is part of the problem. In this particular case, it is the guy's second marriage and it's problematic, so I don't even know if they're still together. But I didn't even come hear to discuss this topic - I wanted some insight as to how he'd respond. Like I said, I'm just going to wait. If it's meant to be, then things will go into motion. Yes, I feel guilty about how I feel and have struggled with these emotions, but that's my business.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 06:01 PM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 679
Bracelet HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

I do know the whole story in my friend's situation. You see, her ex husband was my best friend all through high school and originally I hated her. I was against their marriage and I was really mad when he married her because I just didn't like her. Our personalities didn't mesh too well. But after they got married, he kept saying I had to be nice because she was his wife and she didn't have a lot of friends so he said I should try to be her friend.

We started hanging out a lot and I eventually became very good friends with her. She's actually a lot cooler than I thought she was. So we were all friends until he went out and had an affair with this tramp he knew from many years ago. It was a really bad scene. And the person who has suffered the most in this has been their 9 year old son. He's a great kid, but he has so many anger issues now that it's extremely sad to see.

Does your boss have any kids? Do you even care how his affair with you might impact them? If he doesn't have any kids, then whatever. But you'll still only be second best if you choose to date a married guy, that's a fact. Married guys seldom leave their wives for their adultress. And you're seriously going to end up getting hurt in this if you pursue it.

Why can't you just wait until he gets a divorce? Then he'll be totally free and clear to date you openly without any problems. If he's not going to get a divorce then you need to move along because it's not going to work out. These kind of relationships never do.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 06:37 PM   #7
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 207
sunshine0806 HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bracelet
I do know the whole story in my friend's situation. You see, her ex husband was my best friend all through high school and originally I hated her. I was against their marriage and I was really mad when he married her because I just didn't like her. Our personalities didn't mesh too well. But after they got married, he kept saying I had to be nice because she was his wife and she didn't have a lot of friends so he said I should try to be her friend.

We started hanging out a lot and I eventually became very good friends with her. She's actually a lot cooler than I thought she was. So we were all friends until he went out and had an affair with this tramp he knew from many years ago. It was a really bad scene. And the person who has suffered the most in this has been their 9 year old son. He's a great kid, but he has so many anger issues now that it's extremely sad to see.

Does your boss have any kids? Do you even care how his affair with you might impact them? If he doesn't have any kids, then whatever. But you'll still only be second best if you choose to date a married guy, that's a fact. Married guys seldom leave their wives for their adultress. And you're seriously going to end up getting hurt in this if you pursue it.

Why can't you just wait until he gets a divorce? Then he'll be totally free and clear to date you openly without any problems. If he's not going to get a divorce then you need to move along because it's not going to work out. These kind of relationships never do.
It's totally not true that "these relationships never work out" or that married men "seldom leave their wives for the other woman." No, I'm not naive enough to buy into that. I know for a fact that's BS because I've seen many men leave their wives for another woman, even in my short life time, and to say these relationships never work out - well, that's just foolish.

Plus, just because I care for this man doesn't mean I want a relationship with him! I'm pretty anti-marriage, and don't even know if I want a long-term relationship. And to say that oh, I'll always be second best or never be happy if I'm content to be an OW, AND to wish shame on me? Calling people tramps? Well, I have a few choice words for people that use sexist labels, but I won't use them here. That is pretty low and is not going to work - you're wasting your time. I wouldn't stay in a relationship for long if the man wanted to stay with his wife. I don't know why a wife would WANT to stay with a man who sleeps with someone else, anyway, even if the man did want to stay on - that's no longer a marriage. I'm not content living my life as the other woman. I don't plan to, so don't go assuming things about me. End of it - you can kindly move on now....

"I do know the whole story in my friend's situation."

No, no you really don't. Until you talk to the "tramp" and get to know her side of it, you don't know the whole story. Instead, you'd rather objectify her and blame her for the situation, when chances are it's your good ol "best friend" that started it and destroyed his own marriage. NICE!

Last edited by sunshine0806; 10-09-2006 at 06:42 PM.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 07:14 PM   #8
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 679
Bracelet HB User
Re: Situation with former boss

Sunshine, bottom line of what I'm trying to tell you is that you're not going to find many people who will encourage you to go after a married guy. Regardless of anything else you've said about feelings and statements made and everything else, at the end of the day he's still married and therefore people will not encourage you to actively pursue him while he is still married. Bottom line.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Bad work situation - need input, please! sunshine0806 Depression 2 04-05-2008 05:35 PM
Tricky situation which is driving me insane!!!!! Any insight? Please? innocence Relationship Health 11 09-17-2007 02:36 PM
Need some advice on a weird situation gamecock360 Relationship Health 8 10-08-2006 06:09 PM
A difficult situation...advice needed StuckinaRut Relationship Health 16 07-15-2006 01:47 PM
situation at work flinch Depression 1 12-30-2005 03:10 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (271), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (95), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (833), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:03 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!