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Old 10-09-2006, 08:49 AM   #1
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abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Ok, I guess the only reason I am telling this story is I need some unbiased support. I have been so used to second guessing my own feelings the past year and a half that I don't know up from down sometimes anymore. My engagement ended very abruptly the other night with a cruel twist of fate; the night I picked up my dress. We got into an argument which was stupid and I told him I didn't want to fight. I fell asleep on the couch and I guess he stayed up drinking. I was awoken about an hour later by him jokingly squirting me with a water bottle to wake me up. I told him to stop and he did it again. Then I told him to leave me alone and I was going to bed. I didn't know he was behind me and he thought I slammed the door in his face. So he opened the door and came at me in a way that made me think that he was going to hit me. Instead, he got a crazed, psychotic look on his face and poured the water all over me. The first time he did it it was all over my face and I was in shock. Then he told me to get the "dumb" look off my face. (He had never been mentally abusive really before) and I asked him if he was crazy and he said I was stupid. Then he squirted me with the water again, this time all over my shirt. This may sound weird but when he was squirting the water he might as well have been hitting me. Then I was so in shock I had to leave and he thought I was walking out on him so he told me to give him back the ring. I was just dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say. Then he pinned me up against the door and told me he would "break my f&&@ing finger if he had to" and ripped the ring off so hard he tore skin and I have a big gash on my finger. I immediately called my parents and headed to their house and he stood on the front lawn waving goodbye to me. I just couldn't believe it. Now, he is calling me all the time telling me I am his life and he can't live without me he is so sorry, you know all the cliche things. But I won't lie I miss him so much and I am trying so hard to be strong but his words feel good and I just want to come running back so bad. Then yesterday I found out he did this to his ex-fiance and the girlfriend before that he beat up so bad she ended up in the hospital. I am just at a loss and I can't eat or sleep. My life has done a 180 in three days.I guess I just need some opinions outside of the situation. He is acting like all we need to do is talk it out then we will be fine. I haven't flat out said that the wedding is off and moved out partly because I'm afraid of what he will do. Do I owe it to him to talk about anything? Or do I get my s@#t and run for my life? The wedding is supposed to be in two months and I feel evil for doing this even thought logically I know I shouldn't. He thinks we will just talk and sort through it all. I let my emotions get the best of me Saturday and I called him and told him how much I missed him and he was so apologetic and sympathetic and kept telling me how much he loved me. I just don't know how to handle this. I think it is so unfair that he literally rips the ring off my finger and I am put in the position to be the bad guy and break his heart and call off the wedding. My heart feels like it is literally breaking. Please help me I need wise words.

Last edited by punkybear; 10-09-2006 at 08:55 AM.

 
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Old 10-09-2006, 09:01 AM   #2
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

you don't owe him jack......
you need to protect yourself.
especially since you know he has a HISTORY of being abusive to women....you do know that history repeats itself, right?
he's psycho, and you need to get away as fast and as far as possible and don't EVER look back
if you go back with him you can EXPECT to be abused.
you don't need him....move on.
your life depends on it.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 09:07 AM   #3
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Oh my. I was in a very similar situation. Two weeks before my wedding, my fiance, who was an alcoholic, but a closet alcoholic -- he would sneak in a drunk--well, two weeks before our wedding, I was driving us to a county fair and he went crazy on me, actually hitting me in the car (he was drunk though he denied drinking). I drove to the nearest police station and sat in the car crying, contemplating turning him into the police. But, it was two weeks before the wedding and I would have felt so embarassed calling it off at that point, so I didn't do anything. We got married and two years later, divorced.

And, I totally know how you feel about being squirted with water. It is disrespectful and it is abuse. Abuse means so much more than just hitting.

Your fiance (or ex-fiance) needs help. And that help can't come from you. You should have turned him into the police that night -- what he did to you was illegal and it was a crime. If you had turned him in, I do believe that would have taught him a lesson, at least somewhat. There's really no way you're going to "teach him a lesson" or change him. He needs help that doesn't come from you. Do you think he is an alcoholic? It definately sounds to me like he is -- when a person does things that they regret while drunk (such as your fight) then they definately have an alcohol problem. He needs to go to treatment.

I think you need to stay far away from him. If you're afraid of him, there are legal things you can do to protect yourself or your local women's advocate service (usually you can find info by calling the non-emergency police number -- of course if any abuse happens again, call 911 and have him arrested).

He has a pattern of abuse -- and, these abusive men only get worse. They don't get better. At least not by remaining in the relationship.

You're not being the bad guy. You're being the stronger one and the better one by calling off the wedding!!! I think marrying him will result in disaster -- he will probably be more abusive if you're married. You do need to take your stuff and run. It is going to hurt for awhile, but that is a part of life. Don't feel guilty -- he is entirely at fault.

Consider this a new phase in your life -- the survivor phase. You'll heal and move on and find someone who treats you like you deserve. But you need to move on now -- no more talking to him or seeing him.

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 10-09-2006 at 09:11 AM.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 09:11 AM   #4
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Based on what you've written so far, I'd say get your stuff and run. Putting a woman in the hospital after beating her? Does this come from a source you know and trust?

If it is from a good source and you do trust that this info is correct -- plus what he did to you -- I personally would never marry a man who does this sort of thing. Ever. And I'm not talking about the water bottle thing. Heck, I've ****** my hubby off doing the same thing, but I apologize and ask him what flavor humble pie I should make him. I don't become violent and threatening.

Even just pretending for a minute that the beating with the ex is made up or not from a reliable source or if you just never happened to find out about it, I think what he did and said to you is a behavior you're going to have ask yourself if you can live with for the rest of your life, including the potential of it happening again if he drinks, gets in a bad mood, feels like "picking" on you, etc. The pinning you up against the wall is really frightening and very disturbing.

It's easy to walk away now as a girlfriend. It won't be after marriage and definitely not if there are any kids in the picture. Since marriage often equals kids at some point in the future, I don't think it would hurt you to look at the whole picture. Is this a behavior you would want to expose children to? Worse yet, I can't imagine the constant worry I would have wondering for years if he would be like that to our future kids on an "off" day for him.

Please keep us posted and I wish you the best of luck with this horrible situation you've found yourself in.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 09:17 AM   #5
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Given his history and how he acted I would say that you are pretty luck it didn't end up worse. If you were my sister I'd be on that guy like white on rice and would call the wedding off for her. There is now way you should be with this guy. It will only get worse over time.

Are you prepared to live the rest of your life in fear about how he will react if you do or say something? Because I honestly don't think you will ever be able to forget this and you will be afraid that it might (and probably will) happen again.

I've been plenty mad at a lot of women in my life but I never even entertained the idea of getting physical... I say you dogged a bullet.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 09:31 AM   #6
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Please love yourself enough to realize that you could end up very hurt or worse, dead, if you stay with this man. His history speaks for itself. It's just much easier to break it off now than after you are married.

You deserve to be with a man who will not hurt you. Please don't let this guy do any more damage to you.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 11:37 AM   #7
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Thank you for all the support. It is just very hard when he is telling me that he will do anything, counseling, etc but please give him another chance and his life is over if I'm in it, etc. I am fighting with a very powerful force: my love for him. I can't go back, I know that. That would kill the people that love me. But I feel so alone.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 11:55 AM   #8
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

OK, so he wants to go to counseling. You can tell him to call you when he's done with that. But, don't wait for that call, because he's probably not going to go. Has he made any appointments? No? Well then, that counseling line is a bunch of b.s. What about alcohol treatment? Has he enrolled in a program? No? Well, then, you have your answers. Talk is cheap. Get angry. You know what you have to do. Be thankful that you have the support of friends and family. These people love you. Your ex doesn't know how to love like you deserve. Sure, it may seem that way, but you are blinded because of your feelings. Does he even admit that what he did was 100% his fault? Does he admit that what he did to his exes is 100% his fault? No? I'm just guessing here, but I bet he doesn't think it was 100% his fault. You said it yourself: you can't go back. Your relationships with the friends and family who love you are more important to you. When your love for him fades away -- and it will, over time -- you'll be able to start fresh, find a new love, someone who'd never treat you that way, someone who doesn't get drunk and throw water on you, someone who doesn't need to promise counseling so you can be with him, etc. etc. How great would that be? How long were you two together anyway? And how old are you? Any kids?

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:14 PM   #9
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
OK, so he wants to go to counseling. You can tell him to call you when he's done with that. But, don't wait for that call, because he's probably not going to go. Has he made any appointments? No? Well then, that counseling line is a bunch of b.s. What about alcohol treatment? Has he enrolled in a program? No? Well, then, you have your answers. Talk is cheap. Get angry. You know what you have to do. Be thankful that you have the support of friends and family. These people love you. Your ex doesn't know how to love like you deserve. Sure, it may seem that way, but you are blinded because of your feelings. Does he even admit that what he did was 100% his fault? Does he admit that what he did to his exes is 100% his fault? No? I'm just guessing here, but I bet he doesn't think it was 100% his fault. You said it yourself: you can't go back. Your relationships with the friends and family who love you are more important to you. When your love for him fades away -- and it will, over time -- you'll be able to start fresh, find a new love, someone who'd never treat you that way, someone who doesn't get drunk and throw water on you, someone who doesn't need to promise counseling so you can be with him, etc. etc. How great would that be? How long were you two together anyway? And how old are you? Any kids?
We were together two years. He is 25, I am 27. I am really torn right now between loving him and being so afraid of what he will do next. I just don't know what to do. He is devestated. I am devestated. I go back and forth from being angry to being sad. I hate seeing him this way, how twisted is that, that I feel sorry for him?

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:42 PM   #10
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Oh of course it is twisted to feel sorry for him but of course you're going to feel sorry -- you're a good loving person. But this is not a good situation. Just keep reminding yourself that he is the one who put himself into this situation. Did you know about the abuse that he delt out to those previous two girlfriends? Or did you just find out about that? If you just found out, then you were mislead and, in fact, lied to. That's the kind of information that you need to know from the beginning. He may be devestated, but like I said -- what is he doing about it, besides apologizing? Is he getting any help (counseling) yet? He's not taking action, and because of that he's not even admitting that he even has a problem. There is counseling for men like him. He can call your city prosecutors office to find out what the judge would sentence someone like him to (probably some kind of anger management support) and then try to sign up on his own. I just don't see it happening, though.

So from the way I see it, he had this abuse problem and didn't tell you about it, and asked you to marry him with full knowledge that he had a problem that he hid from you (that is, if you just found out about his exes). And now he says he'll get help. It is Monday afternoon -- there has been at least 6 hours (not sure what time zone you're in) that he could have picked up the phone today to try to get himself that help. If he hasn't, then he's not serious about it, and he's not going to change. Sorry to say, this is very hard, I know. But in time your saddness/anger conflict is going to turn into just anger. Don't feel sorry for someone who isn't even willing to get help. You can't have patience for that. He didn't have patience for you when he ripped off your ring.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:58 PM   #11
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Thank you, Minnesotagirl. He is desperate to talk to me right now. I told him to tell his parents what happened and that they love him and i love him and want him to get help and so would they. He told me that if he can't have me there is no point. There are so many signs I should have seen, I feel so stupid. My cat and dog have ended up hurt really bad while I was gone at separate times a few months ago and it was a "mystery" what happend. I must have known in the back of my head that he did it because they are both living with my parents now. I should have known, but I don't want to think that the person I cuddle up with every night and that tells me that he loves me is a monster. How could this be happening? How did I not see? He told me that his old roomate spread a rumor that he abused his ex and it wasn't true and she even called his parents to tell them it wasn't true. But she told a friend of hers that it was true and she lied to protect him because she loved him.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 12:58 PM   #12
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

I had an opportunity to spend some time with a few women at a battered women's shelter near my workplace, because we did a fundraiser for them and brought the check to the director. I was so stunned at the stories I heard from these women, but I had so much amazement for their strength and tenacity at protecting themselves and their children.

The one common link I found among all of them was how they described the way it all began. In every single case, each woman recounted how things were good at the beginning, until the first time he beat her. Then he would apologize profusely and swear to go to counseling and all that jazz. But then it would happen again, only the abuse got worse each subsequent time. One of the ladies ended up so badly beaten that she needed plastic surgery to help her rebuild her face, which her boyfriend had beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat while their 5 year old daughter watched.

I know you don't want that kind of life for yourself or for your children. I know that you do love yourself and respect yourself and honor yourself more than that, and that you know you deserve someone who will never raise his hand to you in anger. I know you know this. That is why you also know that this relationship will never work and why it has to end and can never happen again.

Please, I know that I don't know you personally, but whenever a woman is at a crossroads like you are, and the one path leads to pain and possibly even death, I feel like it's imperative to point out that the other path, the one of independance and distance from the abusive man, is the only way to go.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 01:30 PM   #13
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

This may be the first time it turned physical but for the past year and a half I have felt like a hamster on a wheel just trying to not say the wrong thing, look at him wrong, use the wrong tone of voice, seem like I am ignoring him, act happy enough, whatever to avoid a fight. I have been exhausted trying to keep up this relationship. The fights always came out of nowhere and I always wondered what I did to deserve it. I feel like I may need serious help to get over this.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 01:43 PM   #14
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Here's what you can't see right now because you are too close to the situation.

Down the road, around the corner, you will meet another man who will not only love you and who you will not only love, but... who will be your best friend. Someone who would cut off their arm before they would hurt you.

I won't tell you that you shouldn't love him, or that it will be easy.
But - believe me - men like him don't change no matter how they feel about you. As soon as he has you back all the counseling will go out the window.

Hold out for the man up ahead in the future who will treat you with respect AND love... He's there. I know, because I finally got out of an abusive "give me just another try" relationship 30 yrs ago and ended up meeting the bestest guy in the world.

 
Old 10-09-2006, 01:53 PM   #15
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Re: abusive fiance, broken engagement and need support

Sure, you might need help to get over this. How about a support group for women who have been in abusive relationships? You might not think of yours so much as abusive, but from what you just described -- the "walking on eggshells" feeling -- it was more abusive than you think. I can totally relate to that and I know it is abuse.

As far as feeling sorry for him, that is what he wants. He's trying to manipulate you. Look, he lied to you when he said that his abuse to his ex was a rumor. What a horrible lie! He also should have told his parents about the fight he had with you and that he hurt you. He's not being real or honest with anyone if he doesn't fess up to that. Has he ever been punished for his actions? He has committed these crimes and gotten away with it. He should have been to jail long ago for what he's done.

Don't feel stupid for not picking up on the signs. I mean, how were you really supposed to know? He probably tried real hard to be good to you and control his temper so he didn't do the same thing to you as his last girlfriend. But, he has a problem and he hasn't fixed it. That statement of his "if he can't have me there is no point" to get help. That makes no sense! What, so he doesn't want to change, so that in a couple of years (or sooner) when the next girl comes along, he'll explode on her too? Great! Sounds like his priorities are out of wack.

 
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