Right here goes you may have seen my previous posts about my separation but my head is screwed now - briefly wife showing all signs of emotional upheaval back in March/April, wanting to be on her own etc so she gets a flat i help of course - eventually goes to GP and blood test shows abnormal hormone levels - put on HRT for 3 months - improvement - i know at that point no-one else - over May June July a lot of contact with her etc then in August she draws closer to me into Sep we start going for meals, shopping cinema etc culminating in her getting me into her bed at her flat one weekend Friday and Monday which we both enjoyed - then silence for a week telling me she feels smothered - i was going to Spain on my own she asked if she cud come whilst we were shopping 2-3 weeks earlier of which i said yes thinking we were slowly getting things back - 2-3 weeks ago she started the indoor bowling season again and i know there is a guy there she likes, divorced 39 (shes 43) with 10 yr old son she even mentioned his name back in May when she was an emotional wreck - anyway in Spain - Boom - she tells me she has feelings for this guy, strong feelings she cannot suppress - during the 5 month i had been supportive, caring, understanding and forgiving to everything she said - she has also stopped taking the hrt tablets so a bit of tearfulness emotion returned and when she started back at bowls seeing this guy has triggered them off again - her head is still screwed, she said she loves me but cant help how she feels and she needs to be there - one or two have said mid life crisis - i dont understand why she bedded me only 3 weeks ago - we came back Sat and we talked again basically she cannot stop herself right or wrong and she said if shes making the biggest mistake of her life (which her close family and friends have told her she is) she will have to deal with it. I do know up to now all that has happened is a couple of "dates" for drinks after bowls but i know now the strong feelings she has it will go further - i can tell by looking at her she is confused - close friends and family have said it is escapism - she yearns to be young again and it it is a new thing a thrill etc - everyone also says it will go pear shaped it always does when they realise what they have done - I suppose what im saying is the sex bit confused me but i just wonder if there is still love there for me and she will go off to find herself and make mistakes along the way but eventually return (if at the time i can forgive her) - anyone been through this type of thing - thankyou PS in the meantime i AM getting on with life as hard as it is
I think the reason you haven't had any response on this board is because we're not really sure what you're asking here. Is there any chance that she'll come back to you? Well, no, there's no chance---none whatsoever. I know this because I'm psychic.
Sorry, but that was sarcasm. Of course there is a chance, I mean, anything is possible, really. Who knows? In a few years or 20 years, if you're still waiting for her to return, maybe you can reconcile. But is that what you want? Why even worry about there being a chance? I think the sex a few weeks ago was a mistake. Take it as that and move on. She's obviously ready to move on. You say you're moving on as well -- then stop thinking about the "chance" and get moving!!!
Hi - Well reading your post, it sounds to me like she has hit the classic mid life crisis, or the grass is greener on the other side.
I would say to you that you are being to understanding, to caring, to nice, and to damm soft. She is treating you like a mug.
It sounds to me like she has found an attraction towars another guy, and because she doesn't know if anything will come of it with this guy, or whether it would work out if anything did become of it, she is keeping you on stand by just in case.
Basically, if she loved you, she certainly wouldn't be treating you like this. It seems to me she left saying she needed space, to make it seem she was single to this other guy!
I know you still love her, and want to be with her, but do you want to be second best? because isn't that want you are in her eyes?
I feel sure that if she did get with this guy, and things didn't work out, if she was to come back to you, I feel you would take her back, and she knows this.
Toughen up, she either wants you 100 percent, or tell her to go.
Hi thanks for replies - and i agree with you both yep she knows if it went pear shaped i'd pick up the pieces - after id posted my thread i took a long hard look at myself and yep realised i was a nice safety net and she knows it - she was parking on drive nearly every day, popping in for brews, basically keeping me there knowing i loved her and will have her back so i thought get tough -i asked her (politely) for the house key and bank card (although she hadnt used it i was helping) i saw a reaction - then yesterday morning rang her and said id bagged up her stuff that shed left (clothes,underwear,shoes,photos,cards etc) and could she collect it - basically the message is your on your own now girl - it smacks like you say of shirley valentine's mid life so ive chucked down a couple of ultimatums. I do know nothing as yet has happened and i also know she has not been to see this creep since we came back from Spain - i still think she will go ahead through this passage but she knows now what she is losing for ever - im not the lifeboat now if her boat starts sinking - i know she is gobsmacked at my mettle through this ive learnt a lot this last 6 months i walk head high and if she doesnt warm back then i know quite a few who will - yes i do love her and want her back but a door mat no longer will i be - cheers
My goodness what an admirable turnaround. I guess I backed up what you had started to think, when you had that long look at yourself.
Well done, and I bet she is totally shocked, and doesn't know which way to go now! her security blanket has gone, she has been exploiting you, and playing on the fact that 'good old you' will never turn your back on her!
You have done the right thing, and if nothing else she will now probably respect you a whole lot more.
She has to make a choice, either come back and stay, or see this creep as you put it, and if it fails, then she is on her own.
Start to think of you now, and find someone who wants to be with you and you only, like you say there are others.
She sounds like a selfish lady, wanting you to hang around to pick up the pieces. Well if she doesn't want to be with you now, then why hang around to pick up the pieces, and to reassure her that you still love her when things don't go her way.
It seems that she is keeping you on the back burner just in case things don't work out with the 39 year old. That is something a teenager would do, not a married woman who claims to love her husband.
I'm sorry if I'm being too blunt, but I just don't think you should have to wait around for her to make up her mind. Marriage is about taking the good and the bad, not running away when you hit a rough patch.
You deserve to be happy. If she isn't sure she wants to be with you than why let that be her decision? Make it for her. You're feelings count, and honestly I think you have put up with enough.
I would say go to therapy together, but my guess is she will probably say something like you are pushing her too hard or smothering her again.
Thanks brook - I think the reason i am finding it hard especially this week is the 25 years we have had and our 21st anniversary this week - as you say she has a stark choice - I think she will take the wrong one because that is what the midlifer does - I still think she is confused but I will be strong and positive and it will show that i can survive - we are actually at a wedding tomorrow for our sons best friend, so will be with him, our daughter, daughter-in-law and grandaughter - she will know that this may be the very last time we are together as a family and she will still see me as the family rock -I still think her head is up her bum and she still doesnt know what she REALLY wants, she should have gone back to GP's mid August again but I am not taking that as an excuse - as you say she has a big, big decision to make - I suppose the decision will be made if she mentions wanting me to sell the house - I dont like this experience one bit but life can deal a bad hand sometimes - I will get through it a stronger, better person with so much to offer. cheers again
Hi again Caring Man, you know you sound a lot more in control of this situation than you realise. You are probably stronger than you realise.
I hope the wedding today goes/or went well. It is good that you can at least still be amicable.
You say that if she suggests selling the house, than you will then know she is serious about it being over. Well in view of what you said the other day to her, about come and collect your things, give back key/credit card etc, I would say that it should be YOU that follows this through, not her, and you that suggests the sale of the house. Because all the time you don't mention that, she will not be taking you seriously.
I know you don't want to, and your scared she will agree, but at least it will get her to see that your not prepared to sit around until SHE makes a decision regarding your future.
If this promps her to choose to stay in your marraige, then you will at least know one way or the other.
Yes I know it is difficult, my ex went off with someone else, that was bad enough after 7 years, but after 25 years of being together, I can't imagine how hard it would be to start again. But people do, and so can you.
Cheers Brook - i have surprised even myself with my resolve through this last five months - i still find it hard to accept and that is because i have no logical reason why me, why us? I know in her mind at the moment she is 100% focused on living a new life with another person, I cannot control that and despite me now thinking back over the last year that this has been nurturing in her mind i bear her no malice and wont judge her that is me. Yep she has probably taken me for a bit of a fool this last 6 months, I have been her security net but at least now i know she has called it a day and we both move on - it is harder for me as i didnt see it coming nor did i want it but i have to deal with it - the wedding is in a couple of hours and as usual i will be me, a good man - i also believe that this is a stage in her life like many women going through the change that she HAS to take right or wrong but i also feel that 25 years cannot be taken lightly - i really do feel that this journey will end not as she sees it in her mind now and the sad thing is I will not be there - cheers again Brook and thanks yes its a hard time for me now but i'll get through it with time
Yes you will get through it, and like you said she probably won't end up with her life working out as she is trying to plan out.
Like I said my partner thought the grass was greener etc, left me with a new baby, for a young girl! When that didn't work out after only a couple of weeks he tried to do what your wife would obviously like to do, and tried to worm his way back into our lives. I tried, but in my mind I knew he was back only because she rejected him, and was being used as second best! I left, and ultimately ended the relationship once and for all.
Ten years on I have been with my present partner for 6 years, where my ex is still single. The girl that took him away did me one big favour. So the point is, she may well end up the loser.
Your a good man, and she has exploited that, you need to think of yourself now, you have been agood husband for all these years, and yes 25 years is a long time to just say goodbye so easily. But remember she is making that choice, at least you have a clear conscious.
Well we had a lovely day at the wedding - few drinks - had some good laughs and even a few dances - with a few drinks i think they become more relaxed and forget the "passage" they are going through - it was quite prophetic listeneing to the vicar go on about marriage and love and being supportive to each other through good times and bad times and to share and solve marriage problems together they really hit home to me - to be honest I actually feel sorry for her I really do - I also saw her yesterday at her sisters when I went round - that is what she will find hard her sister/hubby are close to me and i see a lot of them also her best friend and confidante is my best friends wife and she is close to me and has been a rock for me during this, I have already spoken about going out with them at xmas etc - they have also said to my wife that they would never want to meet this any other guy nor would they want her to ask them if they ever want to go out with her and someone else - even at this point it is still all about feelings thats all, her feelings, anyway I get on regardless, I know one day she will call me I just know it, its how I am at the time that will base my response - anyway cheers and take care
Last edited by caringhubby; 10-16-2006 at 01:43 AM.
Hi I am glad you enjoyed yourself at the wedding. Although it must of been hard lisitening to the vicar and what he was saying, I assume you put on a brave face during that.
It is also good that your wifes sister and husband are keeping on good terms with you, that shouldn't have to change.
Take care, and I hope things work out one way or another.
Remember, if it doesn't goe the way you want, there will be another life for you, you just have to find it.
Hi brook and thanks - you know i have been looking at this last 9-12 months and analysing where all this may stem from - she has not been showing signs of a woman wanting to get away from her husband this last few month - why come to Spain? Why come to the wedding? Why come into my space almost every day? Only now will she has reached her crescendo by letting us all know her feelings will she look at herself but Brook there are some profound things happened - she has always mentioned that she has never recovered from her friend and workmates daughter getting murdered 4 years ago, she has gone on about her mums death, she has been drained emotionally at work when BHF so bad she had to leave and this current job has caused her lots of stress - i honestly think with the change coming on to her has took her over the edge internally and made her have to "escape" it all, all being me and the house as it just reminds her of the last 4 years of misery - i actually saw the woman yesterday whose daughter was murdered she asked me how we were and when i told her she said my wife had been to see her a few months back and they both broke down - this poor woman has never got over it and in my opinion needs therapy even now - she was in the pub a few weeks back showing newspaper clips of the incident from 4 years earlier - i do know this affected my wife very traumatically and i know there have been lots of other things added to her well being and i think the change with the hormone problems has tipped her - i can see why she is doing this - if it wasnt this guy it would have been someone else - he and this woman who didnt know her last year were in the right place at the right time for her - i think that is a fair assumption - it doesnt change things however and my strength is even more important to ME now - i will let you know how i go on in the next couple of months - cheers
Last edited by caringhubby; 10-16-2006 at 03:42 PM.
Not sure if you wanted me to respond or not, but felt I would.
You seem to analysis alot, not a bad thing, but I guess you are trying desperately to make sense of a woman you thought you knew so well.
I hear what you say, about the last four years being upsetting for her, I guess she had to be a shoulder of strength for her freind, which must of been very difficult for your wife if she had also recently lost her mum.
I haven't reached the change myself, but I do hear some horror stories of it changing our personalities. Although personally, I was quite realeaved to read that if you suffer from PMS badly during your fertile years, then you go through the change easier than someone who doesn't suffer from Bad PMT! I don't know if any that makes sense to you, or rings any bells.
I also know that if she is suffering from the bad effects of hormonal changes, then yes that MAY, be contributing to her out of character behaviour.
Or on the otherhand also MAYBE, she is having a mid life crisis, or both, where she is panicking and wanting to know that she is still attractive to the opposite sex etc.
Listen Caring Hubby, I don't want to raise your hopes, I sense you want someone to say, yes this is what it is, but really we don't really know what she wants and why, and I don't think she does either.
The fact that she stills comes around to see you, went to Spain with you etc. Well she was with you for a very long time, this is probably hard for her to, you obviously still have a strong bond, and she feels safe in your company.
But as I have said before, you have got to stop being Mr nice guy, and start thinking of being kind to you.
This situation is frustrating, and you need to either be strong (like before when you told her to collect her things), or keep hanging around, with the possibility of being even more hurt.
I don't want to offend here, but when she was going through the sad time of her friends daughters death, and that of her mothers, did she try to turn to you first? because I notice you say that this man was there at that time, and she turned to him and also that of her sister.
It seems caringhubby, that you have a lot of unanswered questions running around in your head, and can totally understand how frustrated about it all you must be.
Can you speak to her sister? would they be able to give any opinions?
Quote: You seem to analysis alot, not a bad thing, but I guess you are trying desperately to make sense of a woman you thought you knew so well. PROBABLY TRUE BROOK
I also know that if she is suffering from the bad effects of hormonal changes, then yes that MAY, be contributing to her out of character behaviour.
Or on the otherhand also MAYBE, she is having a mid life crisis, or both, where she is panicking and wanting to know that she is still attractive to the opposite sex etc.
I AGREE BROOK MAYBE A BIT OF BOTH
Listen Caring Hubby, I don't want to raise your hopes, I sense you want someone to say, yes this is what it is, but really we don't really know what she wants and why, and I don't think she does either. ONLY 1 PERSON KNOWS AND HAS THE ANSWERS
The fact that she stills comes around to see you, went to Spain with you etc. Well she was with you for a very long time, this is probably hard for her to, you obviously still have a strong bond, and she feels safe in your company. YES SHE DOES
But as I have said before, you have got to stop being Mr nice guy, and start thinking of being kind to you. I'M TRYING GOD I AM ITS JUST MY PERSONALITY TO BE GOOD
I don't want to offend here, but when she was going through the sad time of her friends daughters death, and that of her mothers, did she try to turn to you first? because I notice you say that this man was there at that time, and she turned to him and also that of her sister. HE WASNT THERE AT THE TIME THESE NEW FRIENDS HAVE ONLY APPEARED LAST YEAR - THE BOWLS IS HER ESCAPE AND THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE PART OF THE NEW BUBBLE - I WAS THERE FOR HERE DURING THIS MORE THAN HER SISTER IT IS JUST THAT LONG TERM SHE HAS FOUND IT DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH LIKFE THE GIRLS MUM AND WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ITS TOPPED HER UP
It seems caringhubby, that you have a lot of unanswered questions running around in your head, and can totally understand how frustrated about it all you must be. YES BUT i WILL GET ANSWERS ALONG THE WAY FORWARD
Can you speak to her sister? would they be able to give any opinions? I HAVE SPOKE TO HER THIS MORNING SHE SAYS MY WIFE GOES ROUND A LOT AND DOES NOT TALK ABOUT HER NEW BUBLE OR FRIENDS OR MENTION THIS GUY HER SISTER AGREES SHE IS CONFUSED IN HER HEAD AND IS ESCAPING IT BUT AGREES IT IS A BIG MISTAKE AND SHE IS BURYING THINGS IN HER HEAD INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT WITH PEOPLE CLOSE TO HER
I AM GETTING SO LEGAL ADVICE TODAY SEE WHERE I STAND AND AM ALSO THINKING OF SELLING HOUSE AND MOVING BACK TO WHERE WE COME FROM WHERE SHE IS NOW I DONT THINK THE PAIR OF US HAVE EVER SETTLED IN THIS HOUSE AND SHE NEEDS TO SEE ME MAKING STRONG POSITIVE DECISIONS FOR ME NOT HER IT WILL GIVE HER A WAKE UP CALL I KNOW IT WILL.
Last edited by caringhubby; 10-17-2006 at 03:25 AM.
SHE NEEDS TO SEE ME MAKING STRONG POSITIVE DECISIONS FOR ME NOT HER IT WILL GIVE HER A WAKE UP CALL I KNOW IT WILL.
You can be guaranteed that this will definately open her eyes. It will be very hard for you but you HAVE to be cool towards her and give her a dose of her own medicine. Nothing will change until you make a few changes of your own, starting with adding the word "un" in front of your name. Believe me, it will be harder on you than her, but if this doesn't work, nothing will.
Hi Caring hubby, or like the previous poster said, perhaps it should now be UN in front of it!
I saw your earlier post, and was just about to respond, and then noticed that you have changed it.
I know it is difficult to be tough, I am the same, problem is people like us tend to get walked over.
But it seems that you are starting now to think about what is best for you! the selling of the house is at least showing her that you mean business, and that you refuse to let her run your life for you.
God I really feel your desperation in your last post, and sympathise with you.
I misunderstood about the guy being there for her, I thought you meant when her freinds daughter had died, he was there for her. The fact that you have been told this guy is a 'creep', would say to me that he was giving her attention, (not to say you wern't) it is just that sometimes it is easier to talk to an outsider about our problems when they aren't involved.
If her hormones are all over the place, she is also obviously depressed, she has lost her freinds daughter, the stress of her freind not getting over it very well and your wife having to be there for support, and then the death of her own mother! Then she has a new social gathering, and this guy came across as (maybe) over friendly, your wife maybe opened up to him and now feels confused. It is a bit like a patient falling for their doctor, not lust, just they can feel close to someone they confide in. They can confuse the emotions of love and attraction, to that of a bit of an obssesion, especially when they are already vunerable! (I hope that makes sense).
Some people do turn to others when they have problems, maybe she is one those people who turns her back on people that she loves when she hits a crisis.
How did she deal with problems in the past? you have been together a long time, so how was she about resolving issues in the past?
Keep being strong, you are stronger than you realise
God I really feel your desperation in your last post, and sympathise with you - I CERTAINLY DO FEEL DESPERATE
I misunderstood about the guy being there for her, I thought you meant when her freinds daughter had died, he was there for her. The fact that you have been told this guy is a 'creep', would say to me that he was giving her attention, (not to say you wern't) it is just that sometimes it is easier to talk to an outsider about our problems when they aren't involved. I WOULD SAY SPOT ON
If her hormones are all over the place, she is also obviously depressed, she has lost her freinds daughter, the stress of her freind not getting over it very well and your wife having to be there for support, and then the death of her own mother! Then she has a new social gathering, and this guy came across as (maybe) over friendly, your wife maybe opened up to him and now feels confused. It is a bit like a patient falling for their doctor, not lust, just they can feel close to someone they confide in. They can confuse the emotions of love and attraction, to that of a bit of an obssesion, especially when they are already vunerable! (I hope that makes sense). OH IT DOES AND I AGREE WHOLEHEARTEDLY
Some people do turn to others when they have problems, maybe she is one those people who turns her back on people that she loves when she hits a crisis. YES IT APPEARS SO
How did she deal with problems in the past? you have been together a long time, so how was she about resolving issues in the past? I THINK SHE BOTTLED THEM UP HENCE THE EXPLOSION
Keep being strong, you are stronger than you realise
THANKS
[quote=Kitkat] You can be guaranteed that this will definately open her eyes. It will be very hard for you but you HAVE to be cool towards her and give her a dose of her own medicine. Nothing will change until you make a few changes of your own, starting with adding the word "un" in front of your name. Believe me, it will be harder on you than her, but if this doesn't work, nothing will.
Been there, and it worked - THANKS THAT WILL START TODAY WE HAVE A LITTLE PLACE IN SPAIN ON A MORTGAGE (WHERE WE HAVE JUST BEEN) I AM GETTING THINGS IN MOTION TO SELL IT AND WILL RING HER AND TELL HER (COOLY) IVE MADE A DECISION TO SELL IT - done it just rang her and told her cooly IVE made a decision to sell it and will let her know of developments - i could tell in her voice she WAS quite surprised
Last edited by caringhubby; 10-18-2006 at 02:38 AM.
I would say only sell the house in spain, if you really see no need for it in the future. As it seems that, without her, it will come across to her that you are selling it to make her feel bad. Like saying ''I have no need for it now''. One day you may wish to go back there and enjoy yourself again in Spain, who knows?
Did she actually come and collect her things in the end?
Also is she under a doctor for her depression, maybe she should be seeking councilling. I say that, cause you mentioned that she always kept things bottled up, it does seem that everything is now surfacing, again maybe due to the change of life.
Does her sister make any suggestions to you?
It seems that your wife is a difficult person to communicate with, a bit of a closed book, probably finds it difficult to talk to people close to her - hence like I said before turning to the 'creep'.
Although I stand by what I said about taking control of your life, and not allowing her to keep you hanging on, DON'T be hasty with any flippant decisions through anger. Make sure you think things through rationaly first.
As much as I sense your rightful frustration, don't turn against her.
I would say only sell the house in spain, if you really see no need for it in the future. As it seems that, without her, it will come across to her that you are selling it to make her feel bad. Like saying ''I have no need for it now''. One day you may wish to go back there and enjoy yourself again in Spain, who knows? **I hear what your saying, we were there only 2 weeks ago and she said she feels like a holidaymaker going there as it is vastly under utilised - I am looking at this from a financial angle - something 1/we ahve thought about in the past but ive made the decision now**
Did she actually come and collect her things in the end? **our daughter took them to her last week when she sent for tea**
Also is she under a doctor for her depression, maybe she should be seeking councilling. I say that, cause you mentioned that she always kept things bottled up, it does seem that everything is now surfacing, again maybe due to the change of life. **thats the biggie, she has always said to me, her sister and friend "there is nothing wrong with me, everyone saying im ill etc" she went to the GP in May had blood took, hormonal imbalance was given 3 month supply of elleste duet HRT tabs these ran out mid August and she didnt to back to retest - I and everyone else knows she needs to go back to GP or counselling but shes a headstrong one 9although i would say weak at the mo**
Does her sister make any suggestions to you? **her sister is as devastated as I am she loves me like a brother, she tells me her sis is confused but determined to go through this alone, she tells me she is making a massive massive mistake and jsut tells me to be strong and get on with things, if she comes back fine but she also agrees it may be too late**
It seems that your wife is a difficult person to communicate with, a bit of a closed book, probably finds it difficult to talk to people close to her - hence like I said before turning to the 'creep'.**well she is great communicator when relaxed and normal (like in Spain and at the wedding on Sat) she is a good listener but i think she doesnt know what she wants which is making her confused.
Although I stand by what I said about taking control of your life, and not allowing her to keep you hanging on, DON'T be hasty with any flippant decisions through anger. Make sure you think things through rationaly first. ** oh i will, i dont do knee-jerk nor anger or revenge, I think rationally and analyse things**
As much as I sense your rightful frustration, don't turn against her.**i would never judge or be vindictive towards her and definitely would not turn against her because she doesnt deserve it, this person is not the same girl I married at the minute, I have tried god i have, i love her deeply and she knows it - yes her actions are torturing me at the moment but i forgive her i really honestly do I cannot bring myself to hate her**
Let us know how things go. Take care
**cheers I will**
Just to add this ladies - i keep getting the urge to go to this club to see him - is this normal? maybe out of morbid curiousity not even to speak to him but just to look at him - i did have a look on the newton hall parks website at newtonhall.net where he works - this is an indoor womens bowling club and he a man of 39 is the main contact - kind of tells you that he likes to be around the ladies and mainly older ladies - i also believe that my wife actually really got into bowls on the back of the girls murder to keep her mind off it - i know these new friends have said to her she is a good bowler and "they will help her be good enough to play at county level" - so they have her hooked - am i only torturing myself further by wanting to go there? thanks
Last edited by caringhubby; 10-18-2006 at 06:50 AM.
