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Old 10-11-2006, 12:29 AM   #1
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Marriage Reconcilliation? Should I?

Hi

My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months now. We have been married for 3 years. Now, my wife calls me out of the blue and wants to continue with our marriage. Let me tell you the story.

We got married and then she had depression and anxiety (which she had before she met me but it comes back again and then goes etc) because she is studying and wants to do well. And I love her for that. I tried to help her tirelessly day and night with her depression, sacraficing many days of work and losing friends because of her condition. Losing friends and work wasnt an issue because it had to be done and she is my wife and I would have it no other way.

Then she starts yelling at me for days and weeks and months telling me off for things i didnt do and she was just such a mean, mean person. She told me i just watched her fall into depression and didnt care or do anything for her, but i did, i cancelled work, took my leave from work to comfort her and take her to appointments with the councillor i booked, and rebooked and rebooked for her. She kept cancelling them.

And with all this, she tells me i didnt care about her and everything, when she was all i was concentrating on, even though my father was having heart attacks and strokes, but no, that didnt matter to her, she never even comforted me. It was all about her.

Then after some time, she started fighting with me for no reason, telling me that i never take her out or anything. I always insisted i take her out but she always complained that she was sick. So we never went. My fault? yeah right. Then later, she wrote some horrible things about me on the net. That was the last straw for me. She apologised for it and said she didnt mean it and begged meto forgive her.

So we separated but this time for 4 months. Now she rings me again last night after months of no contact and she wants to resume our marriage. I still love her, and I would like to give it a try again, but how long till the next time she looses it? All my friends and her friends (whom she lost because of her behaviour towards them) told me to divorce her and my family are telling me to stick with her, some family are telling me to leave her . But i don't know if this is the right thing to do.

My question: Do most couples fight like hell a lot?

Last edited by Ridgemont; 10-11-2006 at 12:36 AM.

 
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Old 10-11-2006, 12:40 AM   #2
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation? Should I?

I think it's normal to fight a little, but not to what you're saying. Has your wife ever received proffessional help for her issues? Would you both go to marriage counselling? It's understandable how you would be anxious of the past repeating itself.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 12:43 AM   #3
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

We both went to councilling together to treat her depression (when she didnt cancel my appointments i booked) We went to one session of marriage councilling and then we separated because she just gave up, she cant stick things through.

She is a nice person underneath it all, and most times she can be fun and really nice and charming. Just when she has her bad days (many) she is a monster.

Last edited by Ridgemont; 10-11-2006 at 12:46 AM.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 12:45 AM   #4
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

I just realised you're from Australia too

Anyway, if you were wanting to continue with marriage counselling then you should tell her that in order for you two to get back together, counselling is a must.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 12:49 AM   #5
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

but i don't know if i should take her back, part of me does, and the other part does not want her apart of my life anymore. I always believe in chances, but how many chances does one person have to give to the one person that keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again. She ALWAYS used to say sorry but she said sorry too many times taht the word has lost meaning.

hi fellow aussie

 
Old 10-11-2006, 08:03 AM   #6
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

You say that underneath all that she really is a good person. This tells me you know that what she is experiencing is not of her itself. She does need some professional help. BUT she's not a lost cause. You married her and she married you; that is suppose to be for the longhaul. Of course, unless there is physical abuse and time apart is good for that person to change. If they don't then maybe you can't be together. But this depression is something that gets a strong hold on people that is so hard to break. It's not really her. Although she's not a kid and cancels appointments YOU might just have to insist and make her go to them UNTIL you can get enough meds in her or talking in her that she realizes she can concour this. I don't believe that we were meant to be thrown away or given up on because we get depressed. She really needs you and you'll have to be really strong as you have been. I admire you in so many ways for putting her first. Right now, in her mind it's gonna ALL be about her. She has to put herself first and take meds until she can be leveled out and get back to the correct thinking. This could be any one of us. She doesn't ask to be depressed. If given a choice she'd not be I guarantee it. There really are meds now that can really help us. On any given day more than 3/4 of the people you met on the street or in passing by take or have taken some type of antidepressant. Would it be safe to say that if this demon called "depression" wasn't on her back that things would be normal? As far as fussing ....well we all get our panties in a wad sometimes or alot of times, but especially when we are depressed it is overly exaggerated and paranoid going on. But my friend, if you don't hear but one thing I say to this reply PLEASE understand this.....We always tend to hurt the people we feel the most secure with. We say and do very hurtful things without even thinking. This is not ok and I'm not minimizing the problem but that is exactly what it is; is a problem that can be treated with love and meds and understanding. This depression disease is no different than high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis or any other disease. IT IS A DISEASE. Would you leave her or divorce her if she had high blood pressure or brain cancer. This is no different. It has to be treated and dealt with. I'm not taking sides here. I'm just trying to show light at the end of the tunnel. I know more than well that you have been very understanding to her. It's just not time to quit. I mean you even put your job on hold for her and that was great. Some men can't afford that. But you did. "I TIP MY HAT TO YOU" I know if I could ask her she'd say all the things you've done for her are truly appreciated.
Please don't throw her away. And please don't think I'm coming down on you. I really do admire you. Oh yeah.....I know this couple that had the same difficulties and we talked on several occasions and it was really, really hard and they did separate BUT the irony of the story is they got back together and are still together after 22 years. It was hard too for them and he felt like giving up so much like you do. But it all worked its way out. I think sometimes we just have to be still and know. . . .You have to hold on to that. And don't let ***** tell you you don't know that she really loves you or that she'll never be any different. Thats what he wants you to believe. YOU just continue doing your part my friend and it will pay off in the end. If you don't believe that, then isn't it at least prideful to be able to hold your head up and say proudly.......I stand by MY vows.....regardless. Oh yeah....I meant to tell you they even go to my church now and have a marriage that is just exactly what the picture of marriage is suppose to be like and that in itself is encouraging to me. Sometimes we are allowed to go threw things and come out of them more refined than we were before JUST so that we can help others who might go through that. Although it isn't fun at the time.

Be Good To Yourself,
Patti

 
Old 10-11-2006, 08:29 AM   #7
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

It sounds to me like you need more time away to think about what you want. Try not to let what others think drive your decisions--only YOU can make this most important decision about reconcilling.

Remember that marriage is a choice. You have only one life and you need to make sure you live it with someone where there is mutual love, admiration and respect. While marriage is the ultimate long-term relationship that requires a lot of attention and care, it will break down fast if one or both don't respect the institution and don't live up to their end of the deal.

If you deeply love this woman and she deeply loves you, you can make things work. It will be difficult, it will take committment, but it can be done.

Again, I really think you need to spend more time weighing the pluses and minuses. And a good counselour can help you sort out your confusion. Be honest with yourself and be true to yourself. You will find the right answer.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 07:24 AM   #8
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Ridgemont HB User
Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Thank you everyone for your advice and help, it is appreciated greatly. Sometimes, well, a lot of times my wife can be very hurtful and then apologise only once i tell her that she was hurtful, and then do the same thing over again. Its like she never learns. She shouldnt have to be told when something is rude or hurtful.

Once again, thanks everyone

 
Old 10-16-2006, 01:52 AM   #9
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Ridgemont HB User
Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

UPDATE

OK so my wife and I set up a date at a cafe after I told her that we will give it another chance. So anyway, I meet her at the cafe and she just barely acknowleges my presence and says a quick hi then goes straight onto her mobile phone. After months of not talking to each other, she does this! So i'm just sitting there waiting for 10 mins for her to finish. Then she finishes and then she starts talking about how stupid me and my family are for being Catholics! She didnt mention my family or me, but she said "Look at the priest who just came it, i hate catholics, they are dumb and stupid" She says this after knowing full well that me and my family are Cathiolics and are practising.

She used to say that about Catholics when we were dating and she agreed to stop and didnt know she was hurting my feelings. Then, after her not starting any conversation at the table at the cafe, me doing all the work, she says she has to go and barely says goodbye. And all this, just when i tell her ill give it another chance. The issue isnt that im catholic, its that she feels it necessary to attack me and my family.

Last edited by Ridgemont; 10-16-2006 at 01:58 AM.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 09:31 AM   #10
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

She sounds like like a mess with some serious mental issues, possible bipolar ( one minute in love, the next minute you don't exist).
Wouldn't you be happier alone? Has the 4 months been a relief?

 
Old 10-16-2006, 10:51 PM   #11
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Bipolar? possibly, but the councillor would have said right? But maybe you are right. The 4 months we were apart was a major relief to me but I just cannot give up on the marriage. Sometimes she says things that she knows she shouldnt but just says it and anyone who tells her she shouldnt have said it, or tells her they were offended by what she said, she tells them how rude they were to her when it was actually her, she cant stand people telling her she was being hurtful. And when they do tell her, they are in the wrong. I dont get it

 
Old 10-17-2006, 08:24 AM   #12
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Wow I really could'nt deal with all that myself.My mother is bipolar and I live 600 miles apart from her lol.Anyway, people with depression,bipolar etc. can be extremly difficult such as your ex.Maybe she is not taking the right medication if she is taking any at all? I have Generalized Anxiety disorder myself and yes it tends to come and go at different levels of severity but I do not have depression im sure it makes it all much worse.Thing is she needs help and she has to be willing to recieve help and stick with it.My mother (with bipolar) takes medication which is actually working pretty well for her at this time.My mother used to also say some pretty hurtful things to myself and others.Many of times I would avoid her because of that.Since you say you felt "major relief" when apart I would probably keep it that way but if you still wanna try to make it you should tell her get some help and stick to it or forget it.Just remember with depression and whatever else is going on with her there will always be those ups and downs when one med stops working......just what I think

Last edited by tnmomofive; 10-17-2006 at 08:26 AM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 05:46 AM   #13
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caringhubby HB User
Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty39
You say that underneath all that she really is a good person. This tells me you know that what she is experiencing is not of her itself. She does need some professional help. BUT she's not a lost cause. You married her and she married you; that is suppose to be for the longhaul. Of course, unless there is physical abuse and time apart is good for that person to change. If they don't then maybe you can't be together. But this depression is something that gets a strong hold on people that is so hard to break. It's not really her. Although she's not a kid and cancels appointments YOU might just have to insist and make her go to them UNTIL you can get enough meds in her or talking in her that she realizes she can concour this. I don't believe that we were meant to be thrown away or given up on because we get depressed. She really needs you and you'll have to be really strong as you have been. I admire you in so many ways for putting her first. Right now, in her mind it's gonna ALL be about her. She has to put herself first and take meds until she can be leveled out and get back to the correct thinking. This could be any one of us. She doesn't ask to be depressed. If given a choice she'd not be I guarantee it. There really are meds now that can really help us. On any given day more than 3/4 of the people you met on the street or in passing by take or have taken some type of antidepressant. Would it be safe to say that if this demon called "depression" wasn't on her back that things would be normal? As far as fussing ....well we all get our panties in a wad sometimes or alot of times, but especially when we are depressed it is overly exaggerated and paranoid going on. But my friend, if you don't hear but one thing I say to this reply PLEASE understand this.....We always tend to hurt the people we feel the most secure with. We say and do very hurtful things without even thinking. This is not ok and I'm not minimizing the problem but that is exactly what it is; is a problem that can be treated with love and meds and understanding. This depression disease is no different than high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis or any other disease. IT IS A DISEASE. Would you leave her or divorce her if she had high blood pressure or brain cancer. This is no different. It has to be treated and dealt with. I'm not taking sides here. I'm just trying to show light at the end of the tunnel. I know more than well that you have been very understanding to her. It's just not time to quit. I mean you even put your job on hold for her and that was great. Some men can't afford that. But you did. "I TIP MY HAT TO YOU" I know if I could ask her she'd say all the things you've done for her are truly appreciated.
Please don't throw her away. And please don't think I'm coming down on you. I really do admire you. Oh yeah.....I know this couple that had the same difficulties and we talked on several occasions and it was really, really hard and they did separate BUT the irony of the story is they got back together and are still together after 22 years. It was hard too for them and he felt like giving up so much like you do. But it all worked its way out. I think sometimes we just have to be still and know. . . .You have to hold on to that. And don't let ***** tell you you don't know that she really loves you or that she'll never be any different. Thats what he wants you to believe. YOU just continue doing your part my friend and it will pay off in the end. If you don't believe that, then isn't it at least prideful to be able to hold your head up and say proudly.......I stand by MY vows.....regardless. Oh yeah....I meant to tell you they even go to my church now and have a marriage that is just exactly what the picture of marriage is suppose to be like and that in itself is encouraging to me. Sometimes we are allowed to go threw things and come out of them more refined than we were before JUST so that we can help others who might go through that. Although it isn't fun at the time.

Be Good To Yourself,
Patti
Patti - good post and one to listen to - you will see my post is there any chance - Im convinced my wife has some mid life depression but i nor close friends or family can get her to counsellors or back to docs - i believe people can hide depression very well and wont or cant admit to having it - im like this guy, caring, compassionate, loving etc i just want to protect her but she is running away - it is torture at the minute but i love her and i know she loves me shes told me - its a crazy situation but this one will have to run its course, how it ends up i dont know if she ever gets her true senses back she knows in her head i will be there i suspect - regards

 
Old 10-18-2006, 10:09 AM   #14
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ridgemont
but i don't know if i should take her back, part of me does, and the other part does not want her apart of my life anymore. I always believe in chances, but how many chances does one person have to give to the one person that keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over again. She ALWAYS used to say sorry but she said sorry too many times taht the word has lost meaning.

hi fellow aussie

Well from that above post, it sounded like you had already made your mind up!

Ridgemount she sounds like she is suffering from a personality disorder of some sorts, maybe another one to consider would be Narcisstic Personality Disorder

She reminded me of an ex of mine who had that

Last edited by brook65; 10-18-2006 at 10:10 AM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 03:30 PM   #15
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Re: Marriage Reconcilliation?

Just because she's been in counseling doesn't mean she's not bipolar. It took many doctors and trial and error to get my daughter properly diagnosed as bipolar. From what you have described, she has a lot of the symptoms. If she is, bipolars are very difficult to stay with long term.As you could guess, lots of ups and downs. Maybe you should read up on the subject a bit to get a better understanding.
I would throw in the towel if I were you, but I give up pretty easy so who am I to say.

 
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