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Old 10-11-2006, 08:33 AM   #1
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Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Just wondering if anyone has advice on getting along with their new son-in-laws. My daughter just got married in July and the guy she married is really a smarta&& about everything he says or does. She just told me Sunday afternoon that he's hurting her self-esteem and is really smart elicky with her when they are alone. My husband and I have many many acres of land here and we let them put a house on some. Plus we are big deer hunters and so the son in law is now hunting. But he goes every singe day this year since the season has opened because he's using a bow.(We only hunt with guns) Anyway, she said he's gone when she gets in from work and doesn't come in until after dark and then he just tells her rudely to ShUTUP that he's watching a movie. She gets her feelings hurt really badly and cries. She was like that as a kid. She told me he said that she needed to see a psychiatrist.

He's very jealous of her and her brothers. He gets along pretty well with my 17 y/o boy BUT not my 10 y/o boy. She even said the baby was spoiled and I give him everything he wants. My husband is almost fed up with this guy and my daughter doesn't seem to be happy at all; she's really depressed. Yesterday, when her dad and I was talking to her we noticed that she needed new tires on her car and she said she had been trying to get her husband to get her some and he said he wasn't. So her dad and I stepped in to get some AND now the husband said he will do it cause he doesn't want her to have anything much to do with us. He's really a very jealous jerk. Yes, this seems to be so immature and maybe minute. But I'm tired of watching from the sideline and I'm afraid I'm really fixing to tell him off. He really needs to understand that the only reason hes even out here around our land is because of her. They don't have any children and as much as I'd like to have a grandchild I'm really hoping they don't slip up. Looking for some advice or support or just thanks for letting me vent.

Patti

 
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Old 10-11-2006, 08:35 AM   #2
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty39
She told me he said that she needed to see a psychiatrist.
he's controlling and manipulative.....she doesn't need a psychiatrist, she needs a good divorce lawyer.......sorry

 
Old 10-11-2006, 08:51 AM   #3
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

LOL - that might really be the case. When she graduated high school she was known as the smartest kid. She received awards from everywhere and for everything. And what I'm about to say has really hurt me and I guess on some level it's selfish. I nor her dad NEVER once worried about this child finishing school. Well, she did graduate high school. Started college got through first semester and then she met him and quit. She had scholarships that paid all her expenses and then the money left over came to her. Which the first semester she got a check for over $2,000. She kept telling me she was going to school and she did sign up each semester but she'd drop out just in time. She would bring the books home and act as though she was studying. Yadayadayada. I finally called the school one day after running across her somewhere and she should have been in school. She did all this within 2 wks after meeting this guy. I'm almost embarassed when people ask what she's doing now and I have to tell them she quit school because the whole town and surrounding towns knew what her potential was and several even sponsored her through the years. SHE JUST HAD A LOT GOING FOR HER. I was so upset and hurt. But it's all okay because I'm learning that she can go back but just won't have it as easy as before. But she can still make something out of herself if she'll just not give up. But everyday I see more of him dragging her down. And he's also not the type we thought she'd pick. But are they ever. HaHaHa

Thanks,
Patti

 
Old 10-11-2006, 08:54 AM   #4
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

can you talk to her and tell her to continue her education?
she needs to have something to fall back on when she gets tired of his BS and kicks him to the curb.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 09:04 AM   #5
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

You can't make her leave him. How old is she? Be careful that she's not using him as a way to rebel. Sometimes, we tend to do exactly the opposite as our parents advise.

With that being said, I would try to encourage her to enroll back in school. But do so through lots of love and support, because you don't want to appear like you're nagging her about it. And, most importantly, you don't want to further hurt her self-esteem by causing her to feel like a failure.

These are just some suggestions, but I think you're really in a tricky situation. Perhaps your husband and your son-in-law need to have a "man to man" talk about responsibilities around the house. Or, maybe his parents should do that. Maybe your daughter and him should attend counseling. Or maybe you need to put some restrictions on his hunting until he shapes up. But, I think it has to be your daughter's decision on whether or not she's going to leave him.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 09:38 AM   #6
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Although your SIL may be a jerk, your daughter is doing the wrong thing by discussing their marriage/relationship with you. I never talk to my mother about my marriage. It is none of her business.

As hard as it is - you can't get involved. Unless he is abusing her in some way, it just isn't your matter. She is the adult who married him and she needs to sort out her own problems.

Encouraging her to go back to school is a good idea though. But remember that she has to make her own decisions. Just because she doesn't go back to school, doesn't mean it is all her husband's fault. She has to do something like that for herself.

Sounds to me like she has a low self esteem to begin with. Dropping out of school and marrying someone who doesn't appear to be that great of a husband are all her (poor) decisions.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 10:29 AM   #7
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Sadly, there's not much you can do. She's an adult and made the decision to marry him. All you can do is stand by and be there when the pieces fall. And by the sounds of it, fall they will.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 12:25 PM   #8
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

I know as a mother this is breaking your heart. Please let your daughter sort this out on her own. I think you have tried to make things too easy for them to begin with if he is more concerned with hunting since it is available and not home taking care of things with his new wife and home. We all try to make sure things are easier for our kids than it was when we were growing up. We have created a really bunch of spoiled kids who don't know how to think for themself and how to appreciate themselves. I wish someone had given your daughter the advice a friend gave me about 20 years ago. She said "Never tell your mother anything about your partner that you can forgive your partner for because your mother will not be so forgiving." The bad points are adding up for your SIL in your mind because your daughter is hurting but try to back off and make her deal with her life or you are going to have to take care of her the rest of her life. She needs to stand on her own two feet. Good luck. My heart goes out to you since I am a mother also.

 
Old 10-11-2006, 12:27 PM   #9
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

She is 21 now. I have NOT been encouraging her to leave him. I haven't actually encouraged her to do much as far as he goes, except that there is a lot of give and take in a relationship. And there has to be compromises made. By both of them. Though sometimes, we find its always us that make those compromises. Anyway, I WILL NOT turn her away when she feels she needs to discuss her relationship with me. I did not bring her into this ole world as to let her fin for herself alone. As far as her talking to me, well....that's about all I can do is listen and try to steer her in the right way. It might not be any of my business BUT is it anybody elses business either.

Probably will end up putting some kinda of limitations on his hunting here. But really isn't fair to let my boys go and not him. Of course, he won't be cut out all together. I'm just hoping for a way for him to realize that sometimes other things ARE more important than hunting. Or whatever else the two of them could put above their relationship. She seems to be the one making most of the money and supporting them and I think that maybe it is just over whelming for her sometimes. As it is with anybody when life hits hard because of choices we make. We simply STILL HAVE TO LOVE THEM. Can't throw them away.

Patti

 
Old 10-11-2006, 05:27 PM   #10
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Although I would normally agree that keeping your marriage issues between you and your husband and not go and tell others/family your troubles....I had that backfire on me. My parents held my husband up on a high pedestal(too high) while we were married so when I left my husband, they were totally taken aback and devastated by the loss of their beloved SIL and won't believe my side of the story as to why I left him...crazy...I know but they think that he's a Saint...HAHA!

What I would tell you is to be there for your daughter but don't tell her what you think she needs to do...if she needs a divorce which that's my observation of the situation if what she is telling you is the whole truth...just be there for her to support what she decides to do, whatever that choice is.
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Old 10-11-2006, 05:45 PM   #11
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

I meant to say that she said that he said I give the baby boy everything he wants.

As I go back and reread what I wrote, I'm beginning to sound like the dreaded mother in law. I really don't want to be that. I guess what I do need to say is that..........I'm thinking things just aren't as honest as they should've been from the start. He was diagnosed with Hepatitis C about 4 years ago. We didn't even know him. After they dated awhile; someone came up to me and told me that he was diagnosed with it. Naturallly, I had to tell her. As hard as it is to sit back and watch, I did tell her and she went and confronted him. He said that he was sorry for not telling her but that he didn't think it made any difference. I guess that I do think about the dishonesty there when he didn't tell her. I wished I'd never been told in a way. But yet I do have other family members to think about. What had this been something else. Would he have told her. She talked with me about it again, a couple days afterward and I told her she had to make the decision now that she knew whether or not she was going to keep seeing him or not. If she wasn't then walk away. If she was, then she was saying that regardless whether they stayed together longterm or not that she was willing to catch hepatitis and willing to tell some other relationship that she had it; that is if it was contracted. She had to be willing to take the chance of getting it and passing it to others if she did catch it. Maybe your right I am letting things build up. But that is another reason I'm hear and please don't judge me for being a ear to my daughter. Sometimes family are the only ones we do feel comfortable telling, especially mother & daughter.

She told me that he got really upset that I told her before he had told her. But at the time I even found out he had it was after they were engaged. I just wonder it it had been some life threatening disease WOULD anybody have warned us. So as I could atleast protect the children that I have left at home.
Thanks for your replies. I don't want to be the bad MIL but I guess I am.

Patti

 
Old 10-11-2006, 07:19 PM   #12
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty39
Anyway, I WILL NOT turn her away when she feels she needs to discuss her relationship with me. I did not bring her into this ole world as to let her fin for herself alone.
I am another one who would suggest that you not let your daughter vent to you about her marital problems. You could actually be acting as a "safety valve", and as long as your daughter is venting to you she doesn't have as great a need to confront her husband or talk to him about it.

And I want to express my own personal opinion that it is the JOB of parents to raise their children to be independent and fend for themselves.
Unless we discover the fountain of youth, ALL of your children will be orphans sooner or later.. Don't you want them to be able to handle their own lives?

 
Old 10-12-2006, 07:07 AM   #13
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

These are her decisions to make, just let her know that she has your total support. What a position that she has put herself in! The best outcome will be when you all can kick him out but she has to make that decision.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 01:31 PM   #14
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

Well I really don't want them to get a divorce and I'm not going to lead her that route. That like you said, will be a decision she has to make. It would back fire on me. But ya know, how do you tell your only daughter or any child when they come crying to you that you don't want them venting on you as their mother? Its just not natural to push them away when hurting. I think that would cause more harm than good. Most of the time she doesn't get to come around very much because she said he's too jealous and we have noticed it too. The thing is that he doesn't have to compete with us. He just doesn't know it. If my son gets something, then he goes and buys him something better. I can't understand that with him being 21 and suppose to be an adult. I guess he'll grow up someday. I do have to stop enabling them. Guess that's what tough love is all about.

What do you think about the Hepa C and him not telling anyone? He does claim he got it from a tongue piercing. I don't know.

Patti

 
Old 10-12-2006, 05:11 PM   #15
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Re: Trouble With New Son In Law/daughter Caught

The Butterfly - (when helping isn't really helping)

A woman found a cocooon outside, undamaged & still attached to a twig.
She carried it home and watched it daily with great care. A small opening appeared, and she sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further. Then the woman decided to help the butterfly.

She carefully made a tiny slit in the side of the cocoon and almost immediately, one wing appeared and then out stretched the other. The butterfly was free and she had helped!

It seemed to enjoy its freedom but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The woman continued to watch the butterfly because she expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, and the butterfly she had so lovingly helped would fly away.

Neither happened! In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly.

What the woman in her kindness and haste did not understand was that the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was Nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If Life allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been.

And we could never fly...

 
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