I have been in what I call an abusive relationship for the past two years. I read a thread similar to this below me and I thought I'd make my own since my situation is a bit different. I have a 7 month old daughter with the guy and to me, I feel like this is what is really keeping me in this relationship.
I could go on for hours naming the things he's done to me before, during, and after my pregnancy...pulling my hair numerous times, hitting me in the face, spitting in my face, calling me names...basically making me feel worthless. He doesn't trust me and he tells me I lie about things all the time, which I don't lie. I'm an extremely busy person being a mother, working part-time and going to school full-time. Whenever I'm not working or in school I take the baby everywhere with me. He somehow has this crazy idea that I'm cheating on him or doing other things I shouldn't be, which both are not true. Trying to convince him is a lost cause. I've tried so hard to help him understand that I am truthful that I am just exhausted. He goes through my cell phone and he even used to check receipts just to make sure I was where I said I was. Everytime I prove him wrong...but it's never enough. This in-turn makes me not trust him, so I started going through his things (which I know is wrong too) but I figured maybe he has something to hide if he's accusing me. I've never ben that type of person but he's turning me into one.
Then there's other times when he's not like that at all. He tells me what a great mother I am and how me daughter and me are "his babies" and what a good woman I am and that he wants to marry me eventually. The thing is is that I honestly don't see myself marrying this man. He is a great father to our daughter and he takes good care of her, but sometimes I don't feel I'm getting the respect I deserve.
I know some people that think I should leave and I can't think of any that say I should stay and marry him. It shouldn't be that hard but it is so hard for me. As crazy as I sound I do love him, but I just don't think I'm IN love with him. I don't even know where I'd go if I did leave...I only work part time and don't even make enough to support my daughter and me. I don't want to have to go on welfare and her to live a crappy life. He always lays a guilt trip on me and tells me that I have a 'perfect little plan' to leave him so I can collect child support and screw him over, which is so far from the truth. Whenever I say I'm going to leave, he says I need to "knock it off" and just be nice and forget about it because this is what all married people do is have arguments. He says every relationship isn't perfect and everyone fights at some point. I just feel like the things we fight about are continuous and always about the same things.
I think I'm letting him win when he makes me feel guilty. I don't know...I'm just so confused. I need some answers and I can't drag this out forever. Any advice would be appreciated! Thank you
well he is very abusive and I'm not really sure you love him.....and you say aren't "in love" with him. I think if you look at your situation objectively you will see that you are dependent on him, semi-comfortable with the situation, and you're there because you feel trapped, and it's easier than rocking the boat. You're settling big time and you know that! Those aren't good enough reasons to stay with someone who abuses you. You're teaching your daughter by your acceptance of the situation that it's ok to let people abuse you. I bet you would be heart broken if your daughter grew up and chose to be with an abuser because she learned that's how relationships are, that's normal.....that's what she was used to. There are plenty of single mothers out there. Don't stay with an abuser because you're afraid to be alone. Yes everybody fights, but there are ways to fight fair, to disagree and positively resolve a situation and there are other ways to fight unfair, be disrespectful, and just downright cruel. Not everyone fights the way your boyfriend does, and he thinks it's normal......it won't be long before your daughter believes it's normal too. How long before you get out of school and can have better earning potential? On second thought, I wouldn't even wait that long. Do you have parents or friends that can help you out?
My immediate family doesn't really have the finances to help me, I know my grandma probbaly would, but I don't want to ask seeing that she already helps me with school and I'd feel embarrassed not being able to do it on my own. I want to just wait awhile until I am a little more comfortable, but part of me knows I shouldn't wait.
And you are right about teaching my daughter that it is okay to be abused if I let it go on. Though she doesn't realize it now, I'm sure she can feel it. I remember one time when he hit me she started crying and it was like she knew something bad was happening even though she was only 4 months old. I've had many talks with his mom and she told me that she put up with the same type of thing from his dad. They were married for 30 years and he divorced her 2 years ago. She put up with all that crap so her son (my boyfriend) would have what she thought was a good upbringing. She was a great mom to him, however his dad was physically and mentally abusive to her. He's even said himself what a jerk his dad was. I'm afraid he is like his dad.
I could go on for hours naming the things he's done to me before, during, and after my pregnancy...pulling my hair numerous times, hitting me in the face, spitting in my face, calling me names...basically making me feel worthless. He doesn't trust me and he tells me I lie about things all the time, which I don't lie. He goes through my cell phone and he even used to check receipts just to make sure I was where I said I was. Then there's other times when he's not like that at all. He tells me what a great mother I am and how me daughter and me are "his babies" and what a good woman I am and that he wants to marry me eventually.
Brooke, from what you wrote above, this man is a classic abuser. Contact a spouse abuse center and they will help you get situated. Don't put up with this, you don't deserve it and he isn't going to change.
I've had many talks with his mom and she told me that she put up with the same type of thing from his dad. They were married for 30 years and he divorced her 2 years ago. She put up with all that crap so her son (my boyfriend) would have what she thought was a good upbringing. She was a great mom to him, however his dad was physically and mentally abusive to her. He's even said himself what a jerk his dad was. I'm afraid he is like his dad.
Well I guess it backfired on her huh? He turned out just like his dad......
don't make the same mistake she did, please.....
Any physical abuse is a crime. Even if it doesn't leave marks. You might want to consider having him arrested next time. It is going to cost him a lot of money (fines, lawyer fees) but going to jail and standing in front of a judge might possibly put some sense back into him. It can also cause him to be more hostile, but a no contact order will be issued that will hopefully keep him away from you. He'll also get some court ordered counseling -- anger management/domestic abuse classes. I'm not sure if this is the best thing for you to do, I've done it before and it helped my situation, but mine situation was different from yours.
I would not be so set against going on welfare in your situation. I'm not a welfare advocate myself, but I do believe it is necessary for some people and your situation seems to apply. It is not like you'd be some lazy person just sitting around. You're working and going to school and that is AWESOME. What are you going to school for? Getting some assistance -- even if the goverment is the only option -- is necessary for you and your daughter to improve your lives and your situations.
Someday you're going to have a better job and make more money. So you can do this on your own!
The others are right and I think you know, that leaving this situation is going to be the best thing for you and your daughter.
You just need to do it. It is going to be hard, and really, you might have to take some legal actions so that he doesn't hurt you after you leave. He seems like the type.
I know how it can feel embarassing to be abused and feel abused. But, more people suffer from abuse than you think. You're not alone. It is not your fault. And so there's no reason to feel embarassed about asking for help. Don't let that get in the way of helping your daughter have a happier life. Ask your grandma, ask your friends, ask a domestic abuse center. Get some help!
Last edited by minnesotagirl; 10-12-2006 at 10:10 AM.
I honestly don't think he would do anything to me if I left him. I've left him before and was stupid and went back for my daughter's sake (or at least I thought so at the time...I thought things might improve) and he pretty much just left me alone. He called once in awhile to ask to see the baby and I alwyas let him because I would never take her away from him since he is a good father to her. But somehow I always stupidly get sucked back in with him and it's so hard to be strong. I just keep telling myself that things aren't that bad and I think that things COULD be way worse...I don't know, maybe I am doubting myself? I think as crazy as it sounds I feel sorry for him. He says my daughter and me are his life and he wouldn't have much purpose if we left...I think being strong and STAYING strong are what's th hardest things for me.
Oh and minnesotagirl, I am going to school for Administrative Office. I will hopefully be starting a new job in a dental office next week (I interviewed yesterday and am not sure if I got it yet), I'm just getting this degree since it will look good in case I ever go anywhere else. Thanks for asking!
I don't think you're "stupid" for going back with him. You're just trying to make some very tough life decisions. It is too bad that you're even in the situation that you have to make those kinds of decisions. You don't deserve to be, that's for sure. It's not your fault. Its not like you intended to marry an abusive man. Sometimes the abusers make us feel like it is our fault, with statements like "you asked for it," which of course is a load of B.S.
When you left last time, where did you go? It sounds like he accepted that you left... so why did you really go back? How did you he "suck you back in?"
He just has a good way with words, and that's how he sucked me back in. I felt sorry for him when he would say things like: "you don't know how depressing it feels to come home from work and my "babies" aren't there," and how he doesn't have a lot of purpose because we were his purpose. Just stuff like that that I shouldn't have let him get the best of me but I did.
When I left I just went back to live with my dad and older sister who also lives there with her 8 year old son. There isn't really any room for me seeing that she already uses the livingroom as a bedroom and the floor is dirty and I don't want my daughter crawling around on a dirty floor and having to share a couch bed with me...that was miserable. At least I know where I live my daughter had plenty of room to play, she has her own bedroom and the house is always clean and I'm just too comfortable. I guess I've just been ignoring what he does because I don't want to 'rock the boat" (as another poster put it) and whoever said that is right. I just wish I had my finances together and if I were smarter in the past I wouldn't be in this situation.
And it's true, I shouldn't feel sorry for him. I am just too compassionate and way too nice and that's where those are not good qualities in this situation!
Brooke, you'll get there.
Some people have to leave 2 or 3 times before they can make it stick.
I also lived with a man who was abusive. There is no law against loving someone who is unable to have a healthy relationship. In my case he had been given up for adoption ("thrown in the trash by my real mom") and was a victim of childhood abuse by his adoptive father. He also saw his adoptive mother mentally & emotionally abused. The problem isn't in loving someone who is damaged inside, it is having a relationship with them based on normal relationship values.
So, of course he didn't know how to have a loving relationship with me.
The problem was that I thought if I loved him enough he would be able to be nice to me - and also, he was manipulative... He would tell me that "Everyone always leaves me - you'll leave me too". I felt that I have to prove that I was different.
Instead, I should have been facing the fact that there was a REASON that those other people left him...
He was alcoholic, abusive, and yet.. he was my soulmate on a metaphysical level.
Well, guess what. I came to understand that while I could love him until the day he died (which was at age 48) it did NOT mean that I could have a healthy relationship with him.
It took me moving out 3 times before I was strong enough to stay away.
I ate popcorn or buttered noodles for supper for a long time.
Inside of me, just as it is starting to speak loudly inside of you, was a voice that said:
I have been in a very similar relationship, the only difference is I married my abuser.
That being said, I think you know there are two reasons you are staying in the relationship:
1. Your daughter
Your daughter needs to be the reason you leave. As she gets older and more aware of what is going she will eventually come to accept that being treated like s*%t is normal and she will expect nothing more in her relationships. Would you want your daughter to be with a man like your bf?
So you only work part time but are going to school full time. That is great. One day you will have a degree behind you and you will make enough money to support both you and your daughter. Welfare is there to help people in these types of situations. I know it's embarrassing and comes with a stigma. But what is more important to you? You won't be on welfare forever, just until you graduate and make a little more money. The benefit in the long run far outway the stigma of welfare.
I get the impression that you either don't have family or don't want to bother them? I urge you if you have family or friends that can help you let them. You need to feel supported and good about your decision. If you do leave (which we both know you should) it will be a tough road ahead and it always helps to have somebody to lean on. Where I live in Mass there are organizations that help abused women and children get out and find a place to live, help with finances, etc. Do they have anywhere like that where you live? That would be a great tool for you.
It seems from your post that you are very young, scared, and confused. Like I said, I have been in your situation and I stayed for 4 years and things only got worse. You have your whole life ahead of you and your daughter.
I hope you take my advice and get out now. I promise you things will only get worse. You are his target right now. What if he decides your daughter is the next one? Don you want to take that chance? You deserve sooooooo much more . You sound like a smart girl. Do the right thing.
Oh boy, do I know how that feels to feel sorry for him. I just left an abusive relationship and as if I am not miserable enough, he takes every opportunity to let me know how miserable he is. I have friends that work with him and he has been out sick for two days, too. I feel so guilty for breaking his heart. This makes my family and friends SO MAD and I know that I shouldn't feel sorry for him but I am like you, too softhearted. I just want to tell you that everyone is telling me that abuse only gets worse over time, Please leave this situation. It is EXTREMELY hard. I second-guess my decision every second. But in my heart I know it is right.