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Old 10-11-2006, 08:35 PM   #1
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mirrorreality HB User
She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

My partner and I live together. Whe share an apartment and expenses, and want to get married. We are in our early 30s.

I am really bothered that as soon as she gets home, she calls her mother. Mother lives 1000 miles away and I know she misses home but it is almost pathological. She spends nearly an hour on the phone, and sometimes calls again later in the evening. Since she moved away 7 years ago, she does this every single day.

Needless to say, nothing gets done around here. I can do half, more than half, or most of the cleaning, but doing all of it and holding down a full time job, then having work to take home and do after all this, is wearing me out. If anything needs repair, or the place needs painting, pictures hung, it falls on me. Needless to say, the place looks like we moved in a year ago, and there's paper and junk everywhere because I can't keep up with two people.

I do not think she is trying to be selfish but it is both frustrating to keep the place together, and very worrying that she's calling her parents all the time at this age and for the past 7 years. I am so upset even now that I think marriage will be more unhappy than I am feeling even now.

Do you think this is normal and how can I approach her with my concerns?

 
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Old 10-12-2006, 02:11 AM   #2
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barton93 HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

I too am very close to my family. I have always talked to my mother on an almost daily basis, but the difference is that I have my priorities straight. My children are taken care of in addition to my house work and whatnot. If my work is not done, then I don't get on the phone!!!

I would definately talk to her about it if I were in your shoes. She has a household to maintain. Maybe suggest that she does her work at home before she gets on the phone. I usually don't end up calling my mother until after I put my children to bed.

 
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Old 10-12-2006, 09:40 AM   #3
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brazilman HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mirrorreality
My partner and I live together. Whe share an apartment and expenses, and want to get married. We are in our early 30s.

I am really bothered that as soon as she gets home, she calls her mother. Mother lives 1000 miles away and I know she misses home but it is almost pathological. She spends nearly an hour on the phone, and sometimes calls again later in the evening. Since she moved away 7 years ago, she does this every single day.

Needless to say, nothing gets done around here. I can do half, more than half, or most of the cleaning, but doing all of it and holding down a full time job, then having work to take home and do after all this, is wearing me out. If anything needs repair, or the place needs painting, pictures hung, it falls on me. Needless to say, the place looks like we moved in a year ago, and there's paper and junk everywhere because I can't keep up with two people.

I do not think she is trying to be selfish but it is both frustrating to keep the place together, and very worrying that she's calling her parents all the time at this age and for the past 7 years. I am so upset even now that I think marriage will be more unhappy than I am feeling even now.

Do you think this is normal and how can I approach her with my concerns?
Hi mirrorreality:

Well, no, I don't think it is normal. I wouldn't think it normal either if she simply shunned her parents and never gave them a call. But they way you describe the situation shows she is overdoing it. I wonder if her mother is ill, seriously ill. In that case, frequent calling her up would make sense. But then again she (your partner) is not attending to her real priorities, that is, living with you, sharing the chores with you and eventually creating a new family with you.

It sort of surprises me that this has been going on for seven years already (you are a very patient person, aren't you?) and she never noticed that you are angry and upset. Or does she pretend not to see it?

Anyway, I think it is high time you spoke to her directly about your concerns. You are not forbidding her to get in touch with her family, but you don't want it to interfere with your daily routine. This is causing you a lot of stress.

I know, I know, this looks just like telling her what to do, and she may resent your telling her so. But it seems that it is the only way out of this. She must find a more balanced way to use her time in the interest of you both.

If she doesn't consent to it, maybe you should start re-considering your relationship and partnership with her.

Best of luck to you.

JC

 
Old 10-12-2006, 09:51 AM   #4
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

I was like your partner. I'm normal -- I think! -- and my mother is not ill.

My mother raised me as a single parent. She's been a friend to me as no other ever has. There have also been times where we've streamlined our businesses and felt we had to talk at the end of the day.

I chatted with her nightly for about an hour a night after I got married. DH would go off and play computer games. Then I would pass out. Basically no quality time at all for either one of us.

Please communicate with your partner about this. My DH did, and we were able to easily remedy things. I still chat with my mother daily, but just during different times, i.e., maybe while I'm cooking dinner and DH is showering or maybe while DH is doing cleanup from dinner and I'm taking a break from the kitchen. We basically just both agreed that after X time, say, eight o'clock, unless there's an emergency, that time belongs to us. It really wasn't a big deal at all, and I didn't even entertain the idea of being upset or resenting him for bringing this to my attention. If anything, I wished he would have brought it up sooner if it was bothering him

Again, this is a very, very easy fix.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 10:45 AM   #5
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brazilman HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

I was like your partner. I'm normal -- I think! -- and my mother is not ill.

Hi StenoLady1:

Good response, in my opinion. But I want to say that I have used the word "normal" with reference not mirrorreality's partner, but rather to her apparent negligence. I don't think such an attitude is normal, moreover because it is affecting him so much.

Just as a side note.

Regards,

JC

 
Old 10-12-2006, 01:25 PM   #6
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

an hour a day on the phone does not make up all the time it takes to clean, cook, etc., basically all the things that you say you do but you wish your wife did.

Could it be that you feel an animosity toward your gf because she has such a good relationship with her mom? And so you are taking things that are unrelated and blaming them on her phone conversations? If she is lazy around the house, I highly doubt that it is solely because she talks to her mom for an hour a day.

Bottom line, complaining about it on this board won't change anything. Talking to her will. Just explain that you want to establish a more even split of housework, and add that you want to set aside some time every day just for the two of you, no moms or housework or take-home work or anything. Suggest that she make her call to mom while you're working on your own stuff, or like another poster suggested, while she makes dinner or something.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 03:05 PM   #7
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

Hey, no problem, JC. I'd seen two references to "normal" in this thread, and in my household, talking with Ma is very normal -- I'm normal, she's normal, we're all just normal, LOL.

Just to add to the OP's questions, how do you approach this? Well, I don't think an hour on the phone with her mom should be associated with the housework issue -- at least not verbally.

DH approached me with the phone thing with me by telling me he really missed me after a long day's work and looked forward to coming home and being together, either watching tv together, doing a puzzle together, whatever -- just together; that basically we have about two potential hours a day of real quality time after work, dinner and cleanup, and he said he could see he was beginning to lose that. He asked me whether I still looked forward to being with him at the end of the day, because he told me he was beginning to feel pushed aside.

Well, that was about all it took

As for the household chores, I think I'd need to know more info. Does she work, too? Does she have too much time on her hands? I know when I'm busy with work, my house is immaculate. When I'm slow, I just can't seem to get anything done -- you know that saying, give a busy person something to do and it will get done. It's true, IMO.

Is a housekeeper to come in, say, once a month for the heavy-duty stuff an option?

Something else that might help you guys is keeping a to-do list of daily chores, as well as weekly chores. Some folks just need them.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 03:33 PM   #8
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brazilman HB User
Re: She calls her mother EVERY DAY?

Hi StenoLady1:

Thanks for your message. I am relieved you were not offended .

No, we don't have all the elements to judge ...

On second thoughts, maybe the real issue is not about her calling her mother on the phone every day, but not doing her share of the chores. If she would do what she was supposed to do, then I guess our friend wouldn't have much to complain about, would he? I hope she is at least paying the bill!

Now looking closer, these two women have created a vital link. After seven years of doing it every day, it's going to be very hard to break it. If she doesn't call her mom one single day, the old lady will get worried about it. So, I am afraid our friend will have to put up with this situation - after seven years he should already be used to it, but then again ask her partner to be more diligent.

Curiously enough, I know women can talk a lot, they can always find something new to say, but what if the couple had small children? There wouldn't be much time left for long talks on the phone without an interruption. So maybe that is what is missing in the daily life of this young lady: if not children, then something else that will fulfil her spare time (after she has done her chores) more creatively.

Hey, mirrorreality, why don't you invite her out more frequently every evening? I suppose she will gladly reduce the length of her calls to her mother and possibly find some motivation to be more helpful.

Best to all of you.

JC

 
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