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Old 10-11-2006, 07:35 PM   #1
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A man who professes he will never marry...

My BF and I have been together for around 7 months now and everything is going great... he even took me on a special trip a few weeks ago and finally told me that he was in love with me. It was the most romantic weekend I've ever had... no one has ever went to such extents just to make me feel special and show their love for me... BUT, he has told me from the beginning of our relationship that he does not believe in marriage... that he has seen too many people's lives destroyed when the marriage goes bad and it always seems to. I've been divorced for just over 6 years now and up until now, honestly believed that I would never have the heart to marry again... never wanted to feel that kind of pain again. Well, I suppose time and love does heal old wounds, because now, even though I'm not in a hurry to get married, I'm not totally turned off to it and the idea that the man I'm in love with may never ask me... just breaks my heart. He is almost 39 years old and has never been married (but was in a couple long term relationships), so I have no reason not to believe that he is dead serious about it. Am I a fool to believe that perhaps he could come around? How do I handle this type of situation... I'm not willing to end it over this and I refuse to be the girl that is constantly dropping hints or god forbid, nagging him for an engagement. I know his friends and co-workers give him grief over it, but I don't want him to ask me one day just because he is pressured into it by anyone...

 
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:35 AM   #2
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

I think the only solution is for you to sit down and talk to him about it, accepting that he probably IS dead serious and that it may end your relationship - but surely better sooner than later? I mean, if he's dead against marriage then one of you will have to make a sacrifice, which is probably going to lead to resentment etc (e.g. failed marriage if it happens, or you miserable if it never will).

I think that hoping he'll change his mind is a bit foolish given his age - if he was 20something then I'd say hope away, but at 39 it seems his decision will probably not change.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 04:28 AM   #3
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ladyofkypros
I'm not willing to end it over this and I refuse to be the girl that is constantly dropping hints or god forbid, nagging him for an engagement.
Certainly you realize that it will have to one or the other of these - there's not much between "married to him" or "not married to him".

The longer you go on the MORE emotionally invested that you become and the harder it is to break away. He's being up front with you. I would believe him.

My cousin loved a man who wouldn't commit to marriage & she kept hoping he'd change. She actually hung in there for 12 years - now she's in her late 40's, endometriosis that got bad enough that she'll never have children, & she is still single.

If you want marriage, go.
If you don't care if you are married to the man you love, stay.

I wish it wasn't so difficult & simple all at the same time.

 
Old 10-12-2006, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

The logical side of me doesn't care if I was ever married again... too many problems, especially if things go sour. But, stupid me, read something last week about how if a man can't make that kind of committment to you, then he is surely holding out for something better or just doesn't see "you" as being the "one". I KNOW that is not true in all cases and that this was a one sided opinion of an extreme person, but Lord it has played havoc on my emotions and insecurities. Truth is, I would be just fine just living together, but I don't even know if I see THAT happening anytime soon because of outside circumstances. He has two big dogs and I have three yip-yap dogs and two kids. The kids we could accomodate, but the dogs would kill each other and neither of us is willing to give up our pets... I can't... it would kill my kids and I don't expect him too either... I've fallen in love with his dogs as well. I guess I just would like to know that I'm that important to him. Does that make any sense?

 
Old 10-12-2006, 10:42 AM   #5
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

Not everyone believes in or desires marriage, but that's no reason to assume that those people love their partners any less than people who see marriage as worthwhile. I think it all depends on you and whether or not you're really ok with not getting married. If it was an otherwise ideal relationship, I would have no problem never marrying, but not all women would be satisfied with anything less than marriage. I've seen so many happy relationships that don't involve marriage and so many miserable marriages that to me, it doesn't seem worth sacrificing a great relationship just because it isn't leading to marriage. But if you feel differently and wouldn't be satisfied unless marriage was a possibility, then you probably need to find a different guy.

On the other hand, he may just be talking and not really mean that he is 100% set against marriage under all circumstances FOREVER. I happen to talk a lot too about how I never want to get married too, but someday I could see myself changing my mind if the right situation presented itself. And just because someone is into the idea of marriage doesn't mean they will eventually marry you anyway...there are really no guarantees when it comes to relationships no matter what position someone takes on marriage. If you are happy in the relationship otherwise, I would suggest you just stay put and see what happens. That way you keep your options open--you can always leave at a later point, but if you leave now, you may very well end up regretting it. Good luck.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 12:40 PM   #6
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

I feel you on this. My BF says he doesnt believe in marriage anymore. I think that today it's just too darn easy to get divorced and people don't go into marriage the same anymore. I've never been married but I can see his point of view. 80% of marriages are ending in divorce. It's crazy. I sometimes get a little down about it. It does kinda make you feel, well if you love me?
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:13 PM   #7
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

Hmm, hard to say...very VERY hard to say. However, I will give you the best advice I can from my perspective. If he's been overall acting great and loving towards you and you are satisfied with the relationship as a whole, I would wait longer. He might have been jaded but who's to say he won't change his mind in the future? My ex fiance finally did marry for the first time at age 43. Not to me, but he did, and he swore he didn't believe in marriage either. I would say if it's been years and he shows no sign of progress, forget about it, if marriage and perhaps children are important to you. But 7 months is still relatively new. Knowing what I know now, I would wait and see. I wouldn't wait more than two years, though, at this point. Depends what you want, how old you are, etc. You said you have kids already. In that case, you might be more flexible since you might not want to have more kids. Give it at least a year and then reassess the situation is my advice. Many men are very scared of marriage nowadays but that doesn't mean they won't ever do it. Sometimes you have to be a bit patient, which is what I lacked and what was my mistake in the past. Good luck!

 
Old 10-15-2006, 09:58 AM   #8
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

You all know the stories about the guy who says he's not the marrying kind - until you break up and then he ends up marrying the next girl he dates after 2 months.

If he is telling you that he doesn't believe in marriage 10 -1 he means that he's not going to marry you.
And if he doesn't mean that, he means Exactly what he says - That he doesn't believe in marriage.

Either way, the question remains the same - do YOU want to get married someday?
And if so, move on NOW before you get even more emotionally attached.

Wish I had a nice gentle MamaRuth thing to say - I've just seen too many women spin their wheels in relationships that aren't going in their direction...
You can miss alot of nice men while you're being faithful to one that you'll never see at the front of a church (or judge's chambers!).

 
Old 10-15-2006, 06:43 PM   #9
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

I know of a man who was with this lady for over 30 years and he FINALLY proposed to her in 2004... they married in 2005. He said he wasn't going to remarry either and for a while, including his girlfriend, we all thought he was DEAD serious about not getting married. He had been divorced twice and didn't want to go through it again.

If you want to take your chance of waiting and you really love this man and thinks he's worthy, then I suggest just to enjoy his company and be together. But from your post, it sounds like you want to remarry again. If both of your outlook on marriage is different, I suggest you should walk away from this relationship and give him a chance to find someone who has similar beliefs, just as much as you deserve to find another man who shares your beliefs in matrimony. You owe it to yourself.

Good luck.

 
Old 10-15-2006, 06:46 PM   #10
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

I know of a man who was with this lady for over 30 years and he FINALLY proposed to her in 2004... they married in 2005. He said he wasn't going to remarry either and for a while, including his girlfriend, we all thought he was DEAD serious about not getting married. He had been divorced twice and didn't want to go through it again.

If you want to take your chance of waiting and you really love this man and thinks he's worthy, then I suggest to enjoy his company and be together. But from your post, it sounds like you want to remarry again. If both of your outlook on marriage is different, I suggest you should walk away from this relationship and give him a chance to find someone who has similar beliefs, just as much as you deserve to find another man who shares your beliefs in matrimony. You owe it to yourself. It's a big deal and most women deviate from their beliefs just so they can be with a man.

Good luck.

 
Old 10-15-2006, 09:41 PM   #11
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

You know everytime someone posts something on these things that is complaining about something... me included... so many people say "leave", "walk away", yada yada yada... how do you just walk away from someone you love? Am I in a minority when I say I can't just turn off my emotions that easily? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every ones advice, but I just can't up and cut myself off from him that easily, especially when things are going so well... now if he was cheating on me, abusive, you know, that kind of stuff... that would be a different story. But how, tell me how, do you just leave someone your in love with just because their views on something is different than your own? It seems cold. I do see everyone's points... and I know I may be setting myself up for some major heartaches down the line, but I can't imagine him not being in my life now... he is my best friend. Sorry guys... just frustrated.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 04:33 AM   #12
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

Whether you can end it just because of this I think is down to honesty and maturity. I'm not saying it'd be easy (far from it) as emotions are powerful things, but your head has to be in the relationship, not just your heart.

By that I mean you both need to be proactive about the future and what your needs are. I think you need to sit down with this man and be *honest* about your feelings. Tell him that part of you wants to be satisfied with no marriage, but part of you feels that you need to know it's a possibility (or whatever you feelings really are). He must then be honest with you about his feelings - maybe he really doesn't ever want marriage, maybe he'd consider it at some point in the future.

If you talk about it at length and it is clear *in your heads* that your future isn't going to work with each other, then you need to be mature enough to take a step back, perhaps try to remain friends, or just cut off contact. It wouldn't be easy at all, but some times you have to try and be objective and look at the long-term implications of a relationship, rather than just the 'here and now' feelings.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 07:51 PM   #13
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

Thanks Will, ... I'm just so scared that having that kind of "talk" would not turn out the way I want it to... like I said, I don't want to get married right now, I just would like to know that I mean "that" much to him. How selfish and juvenile is that? Again, the last thing on earth I would ever want from him or any other man is a marriage proposal that was soley brought on by guilt or pressure or whatever other reason men propose beside truly being in love and knowing and wanting to spend the rest of their lives with a particular woman. I was married to a man for 10 years who in the end all he had to say was "I asked you to marry me, because I was trying to do the right thing by you (I was pregnant) and I stayed in the marriage only because I was trying to the right thing for our kids." He was trying to be honorable and wasted 12 years of my life in the process... Do you have any idea how devestating it is to have the man you love look at you coldly in the eyes and without a moment's hesitation say that it was all sham?

 
Old 10-17-2006, 03:18 AM   #14
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

The talk may not turn out how you like it, no, but is that reason enough not to have it? Burying your head in the sand will only lead to more hurt in the future because you'll have been together longer and will be losing more if/when you realise that you want different things.

To be honest I can understand how he feels about marriage - to me it isn't really a sign of commitment, it's just a piece of paper that gets put in a drawer somewhere. Being committed to someone is about caring for them each and every day, doing your best to make them happy and provide for them as much as you can. No one needs marriage for that.

Having said that, I do appreciate that some people like marriage (I'm not knocking it) - it's just two different opinions.

What happened to your previous marriage sounds awful, and I really feel for you going through that, but at the same time I think this new guy deserves to know how you feel about marriage - even if you make it clear you don't mean anytime soon (so he shouldn't really feel pressured to propose or anything), but that you'd like to think someday it might happen if you both feel that way.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 05:05 AM   #15
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Re: A man who professes he will never marry...

I dated a guy for 8 years who swore up and down that he'd never get married because he was scared that his parents got divorced so he would have the same thing. I said, that's retarded because we're not his parents and we have no reason to believe it would work out the same way. So I kept waiting in vain for him to ask. I wasted 8 years of my 20s with this loser. Finally I broke up with him because I realized what an idiot I was being.

Came to find out later that he married the next girl he met, after only 8 months of dating, and they got pregnant a month after the wedding.

So it wasn't that he didn't want to get married. It was that he didn't want to marry ME, and I wasted my time waiting for him.

Sort of the same thing happened to my sister. Her boyfriend kept saying he'd never get married. Strangely enough, his parents were also divorced, but he didn't use that as an excuse. He just said he didn't want to marry anyone. So my sister finally broke up with him after about 3 years. (She was smart, she didn't wait as long as I did). Thankfully she met someone else and got married. But she also came to find out that her ex bf who swore he'd never get married actually got married to some girl and now they have a kid, too.

So, I am of the opinion that when a guy tells you he doesn't want to get married, it's not because he doesn't want to be married. It's because he doesn't want to marry the person he is currently with and telling this to. And I'm sure Greg Berendt would agree with me. He would tell you that a man who really honestly truly loves you, would definitely want to marry you, because he couldn't live without having you in his life as his mate. Period. End of story. Anything less is settling, and I don't think you want to be one of those people who just settles for whatever she can get.

You deserve more and you deserve better. If marriage is really important to you, then you're not with the right person. There's nothing you can do to change him. He doesn't want to marry you, he has made that clear. And if you still have desire for marriage, then he is absolutely going to break your heart.

 
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