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Old 10-12-2006, 12:25 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: norfolk
Posts: 2
mumofboys HB User
pregnant and confused (again)

hi again,
I would like to thank everyone who has given me advice so far, it is much appreciated.
I would just like to say a few things more about my situation.
Firstly I would like to say that me and my husband actually have a very good relationship and get on well. It's just the lack of attention that has been a problem and feeling lonely.
We are both happy about the pregnancy and looking forward to having another baby.
there is no question that it is his as i know when it was conceived.
I think we can work out any problems we have together which is good.
I know we need to sit down and talk about it.
This "affair" if you can call it that has never affected my relationship with my husband and i've not changed the way i behave towards him. I am a very affection person and need to feel needed and wanted.
We still kiss and have made love occasionaly.
regarding my internet guy I still haven't made a decision about what to do about him. The thing is we have talked for 5 months now and are really good friends. I would really miss this side of our relationship. He is good company for me.
I do regret sleeping with him. I have only done it once and I won't be doing it again. We have met only once too and I won't be doing it again.
The problem is I still want to be friends with him.
Do you think this is possible?
He is a really nice guy who makes me feel good about myself and makes me happy is that such a bad thing?
I would never let what we have get in the way of my marriage and he has never asked me to leave my husband or made demands on me.
my husband does know that i talk to him on the internet but obviously not to what extent.
I know cheating is wrong and I have never done it before. I'm not a bad person I just want to feel special and loved. (who doesn't).
thanks again for your advice

 
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Old 10-12-2006, 12:58 PM   #2
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 101
JBravo556 HB User
Re: pregnant and confused (again)

You relationship is NOT good if you cheat on your partner. I don't care how you try to justify it, there is nothing "good" about cheating on someone. The only reason people cheat is to satisfy thier own selfish needs and wants. And if you do stay with your husband you CANNOT be friends with the internet guy. Why don't you put yourself in your husbands shoes? would you forgive yourself? would you be okay with him keeping the woman he slept with behind your back as a friend? come on... get realistic. this is not some hollywood movie, your're playing a dangerous game with peoples lives. ever think you husband might want to take his anger out on your little friend there...

 
Old 10-12-2006, 03:06 PM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: pregnant and confused (again)

Dear Mumofboys:

We can't be very hard on you. I know what you are talking about. I am a married man and I happen to have a few female friends, too, and most of them do make me feel really good. I wouldn't like to lose their friendship, but I make sure that it is very well-framed, if you see what I mean. I try never to mix friendship with love or sex, otherwise I would mess everything up and lose my wife, whom I dearly love, and my kids.

Your marriage partner, whether husband or wife, is usually very jealous. It is very difficult for them to accept that you have a friend of the other sex and keep it sexless. In most cases, your husband or wife will want to know your friends personally to check what is going on. This is very normal. Suppose your husband talked about a new lady friend. Wouldn't you feel curious and suspicious?

So, I think it would be possible for you to keep this man as a friend, provided that it is not a very intense relationship and that your husband can meet him some day and feel safe about it. Does the Internet man have a wife, too?

But honestly the prospect is not very good: you once had sex with him - I am not condemning you, mind you - and you may still indulge in fantasies about him. This would be much like a "ménage à trois", a very imbalanced situation.

It is hard to tell you what you have to do. There is no easy solution, but at the moment I think it'd be better for you to quit this man and concentrate on your pregnancy and family. Who knows, in a few years?

If this man is a faithful friend, not simply interested in sex, you may resume your friendship later.

If your husband becomes older and softer and more understanding, he may tolerate, under certain conditions, a male friend for you.

In old age, friendship is more of an issue than sex, so why not wait?

Sorry if I can't be of further help.

Take care and be well.

JC

 
Old 10-12-2006, 08:07 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 1,197
barton93 HB User
Re: pregnant and confused (again)

Firstly I would like to say that me and my husband actually have a very good relationship and get on well.
Think about this: if it is so good, you would not have cheated on him!!!

This "affair" if you can call it that has never affected my relationship with my husband and i've not changed the way i behave towards him.
This "affair" is exactly that........an affair! How could it not affect your relationship! You committed adultery!!! I would say that had affected your marriage.

regarding my internet guy I still haven't made a decision about what to do about him.
Well, you can only have one or the other. So, who would you choose? The internet man or your husband? I hope you realize you cannot have both, because the internet guy is no longer just a friend.

The problem is I still want to be friends with him. Do you think this is possible?
No, I don't think this is possible. This is more than a friendship. Friends go out for coffee.....they don't have sex! So you no longer have a friendship with this man as far as I'm concerned.

I would never let what we have get in the way of my marriage
I think you already did that.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean to you. I'm just making you realize that this was very much an affair and you seem to be in denial. You have a husband who you vowed to be true to and you betrayed him. Unless you don't think you have anything to work on, you should ditch the internet guy and focus on the man you married and started a family with...........and are continuing to expand your family with! Why don't you confide in your husband and let him know how you feel; how you think that the "spark" is missing and go from there. There are many ways to spice up a marriage. There are couples out there who have managed to remain married til death parted them!!! You could have the same, but you need to get that fire going again.

Last edited by barton93; 10-12-2006 at 08:08 PM.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 05:21 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: USA
Posts: 1,651
StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: pregnant and confused (again)

How about putting the shoe on the other foot?

Your hubby cheated on you with an online "friend." He left you one morning or evening and held another woman, carressed her, kissed her, licked her, put his penis in her, whispered sweet nothings to her about how good she made him feel. The sex was a "one-time thing," but now, because of how good she made him feel, he still wants to be friends with her.

How would you feel about this?

 
Old 10-13-2006, 06:50 AM   #6
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 240
Betty Bee HB User
Re: pregnant and confused (again)

Does your husband know you cheated? If your husband cheated on you, would you want him to continue a relationship with his mistress?

You obviously are not getting what you want out of your marriage, otherwise you wouldn't look elsewhere for whatever is missing. You can't get everything you need from your spouse and that is why we have girlfriends, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents, co-workers, and ourselves as individuals to fulfill those needs. It's okay to have thoughts, but when you act on those thoughts it is wrong.

I feel you are not seeing the big picture and you are minimizing the fact that you did, in fact have an affair! You need to get real and be honest with yourself.

The fundamentals of a relationship are trust, loyalty, honor, respect and love....If you don't have these you have nothing!!! What is your marriage based on?

You disregarded your marriage vows to your husband. You also disregarded the union you have with your child and your unborn child. If you are not happy in your marriage, do something about it. You can't look for an outside fix...it only ends up hurting you, your husband and your children in the long run.

 
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