My husband & I have been married 17 months. It seems the fun is out of our relationship. I used to never watch tv. Now I watch a couple of shows, so we can have something to do. Other than that, he is on his playstation and I am on the internet. I admit to chatting with other guys & sometimes phone sex. I'm bored. Sexual encounters with us last 10 minutes at best. I like long, involved sexual play even with games. He does not. The only thing we really seem to enjoy together is going out to bars, drinking & people watching. He likes board and video games, I don't. I'm more into conversation. I'll stay on the phone with friends, relatives (even guy friends) for hours. What else is there for couples to do? I hate just looking at tv everynight and then going to bed. I'm bored.
Hmmm, I'm not too sure what to say, but I know that my boyfriend and I don't have a whole lot in common, but we love just being in the same room together. Usually we'll be doing two different things, but still be enjoying each other's company. Maybe if you and your husband are bored around each other, then that is a sign of a deeper problem?
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
If you are having relations with other men such as phone sex and crap like that that will soon lead to .... Something more .... and More and more ......untill you basically destroy what ever you both have, left anyway.
the question should not be how do couples have fun? The question should be, Do you really love your husband?
Is he aware of you unsatisfaction in your relationship or sex life..? Is he doing or thinking the same as you?
If you do love him and he loves you and you both just simply got lost in this crazy world I would suggest marriage counseling.
Last edited by JohnsGirlFlea; 10-12-2006 at 08:14 PM.
Is this incompatibility something new, or was it there when you guys were dating, too? By incompatibility, I mean such big differences in sexual preferences and hobbies/passing the time.
Also, is your hubby aware of the chatting with other men and phone sex? If he's not and would not be cool with an open marriage, you really should stop that and work on your marriage. Most of the time, if one's not happy in the marriage, the other is not, either. The key here is communication, finding a middle ground, a compromise, so that both are happy.
What DH & I do for fun are puzzles, gourmet cooking, walks with our dogs, buying/drinking good wine/going to tastings (and the conversation which ensues from that), planning vacations, renting movies, renovating/redecorating rooms in our home (not always fun, but time-consuming and satisfying when it's all done), going out to eat. He's a comic book illustrator/graphic artist, although this is not his career anymore, so sometimes he'll draw, and I'll cross-stitch. Our friend(s) situation is at a crossroads right now, as we're in our 30s and don't have kids, where most of our friends do. I work from home unless I'm in court, and he's just started a new career, so it's kind of hard for us to make new friends without kids, but we used to hang out with friends a couple nights a week to barbeque or rent a movie.
Hope you get everything worked out. And please reconsider turning to other men to ease your boredom. You're still a newlywed for goodness sake!
Last edited by StenoLady1; 10-13-2006 at 04:56 AM.
Sounds like you are getting into the routine of life. It's normal, and a lot of people are satisfied with it. I wasn't though, when I got married in my early 20s. One of the things I didn't like was the "routine." I started to go out with friends instead of hanging out with the hubby every night, and I cheated on him, and I eventually left him and we've long been divorced.
You say that you used to not watch as much TV, so I'm assuming that before you got married, you had other activities that you used to do together. How about going to back to those things?
It sounds like you're thinking about cheating. How old are you and how long have you been with your husband (including dating)? If you want to be with someone else you may not have been ready for marriage and made a mistake. In that case, you should consider leaving.
My ex and I didn't do much together for fun. He never wanted to go out during the week. On the weekends it was the same old shopping and going out to eat, maybe sometimes a party with his brother and some friends. I started to party more on my own. In my adventures outside of the marriage, I met someone else who I eventually ended up leaving my husband for, and I'm still with him today. Our lives are pretty exciting. We do something fun, like a date, almost every night of the week. When we do stay at home, we watch movies or play cards, which is something we're doing more of lately, to save money. Otherwise we go to our neighborhood bar where we are friends with all the regulars (and while there we usually play games like pool or arcade games), we go to various friend's houses, we go to sporting events (and we watch alot of sports on TV), we play in poker tournaments, we BBQ outside, we go to the race track, we go fishing, in the summer we played mini golf a lot, we babysit his neices, one night recently we went to the used CD store at like 10:30 p.m. because we were bored and bought some CDs and went home to blast them off and dance around, was very fun --- we like to do the same things I guess. We have activities that we like to do alone, too. I like to go shopping by myself or with a girlfriend and he likes to play basketball with his buddies or go up camping with them. We also go camping together a lot in the summer.
You are having phone sex a little more then a year into the marriage! Boy do you find the easy way out. You need to make the marriage work or get out... I do consider phone sex cheating as it is dishonest and could hurt your husband greatly if he ever found out. Do you have a history of getting bored in your past relationships before your husband?
sounds to me that maybe you are comfortable with your husband, but something else is a miss. i'm still trying to figure out what.
my first reaction was, wow, okay this gal married someone she doesn't have much in common with as far as activities, but that can work, maybe. who says people who don't have the same favorite pasttimes can't find things to do together, especially if they have the romance?! but then i realized that you aren't even having a healthy, satisfying sexual relationship. What DO you and this man have?
Okay, so you threw a big party together and people gave presents with both of your names on it. What else?
History? That won't sustain you for the future.
I am really not sure what to do in your situation, except for this---stop the cheating. Going to other people for sexual satisfaction obviously won't make you more satisified with your husband. It might make you more satisfied with them other folks, tho, haha, but they aren't married to you. It's easy to be satisified with someone for a matter of minutes or length of sexual encounter, but it's the months and years that are trying and you are certainly being tried here...
It is possible you and you are husband are just bored with yourselves, your lives, and each other. We all get stuck in that rut, single or married.
Maybe you two should take up a hobby together, since it sounds like you have a lot of free time. Ballroom dancing? Tennis? Pottery? Motorcycles? Someting you can do TOGETHER, stimulate your minds, your bodies, and ultimately YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Give it time. Don't give up. It's possible you entered into the marriage thinking things would be all wonderful and that life would just be one fun thing after the next once married but now you see the truth---that it can be just as boring as anything else, that it takes WORK, effort, etc.
but i am still trying to figure out on what your relationship based...why are you with this person? why are you married? did you only get married because it seemed like the next thing to do???
Last edited by HelpHelpHelp; 10-13-2006 at 09:11 PM.
Thanks for all the advice. Stenolady actually had a lot of things we do enjoy together. Going to wine tasting and recently I was talking about redecorating both of our offices. I'm 39. My husband is 37. I married him, because I loved him and I felt a commonality with him. We both had lousy childhoods and were just a little girl/boy who needed someone to love us. I've realized though that I am a little more mature then he is. A fun sex life is important. I've told him this, but he is just a very shy, conservative person. I want to try new things, but basically it the same three sexual positions always. I have read books on how to make love to a man so that he really enjoys it. He knows this. I feel he should do the same thing. [deleted]. (TMI) I never even turned on the tv, but now we watch shows I think I can tolerate like reality tv shows. I'm just not a big tv fan and he is. I love intimate nights and conversations. He is in his own words "a big kid" he will greet me by sticking out his tongue. I wish he acted more mature and adult. I love him, but I feel the only way things will work is if I have sexual gratification with another man. I want it from him though. Guilt would kill me if I did that. I don't know what to do!
I should also say. I work a job from from home alone, so after work I crave social interraction. My activities before we married were basically interraction with other men and dating. I also belonged to a internet message group, but it is fast moving group and with my new activities at home (maintaining a household and cooking dinner), I don't have time to continue that. I admit I really miss that. It was my major hobby and something I really enjoyed. But, not being able to do it everyday has stopped me from being able to participate. So, all my hobbies and things I enjoyed before marriage have basically ended.
Last edited by Mod-S4; 10-18-2006 at 05:11 AM.
Reason: Sexual problems/behaviors may only be posted on the appropriate Sexual Health board.
"I married him, because I loved him and I felt a commonality with him. We both had lousy childhoods and were just a little girl/boy who needed someone to love us."
No offense, it doesn't sound like the right reason for marriage. If you are already going outside of your marriage to seek pleasure than I only see it getting worse. You have discussed what you need sexually and he is not on the same page. It is only going to get worse as your resentment grows.
Perhaps some counciling will help the two of you work through your issues from childhood (and perhaps open your husband up more to you). But if not you may need to cut your losses. I think you feel you are settling here and that will only bring resentment and keep you focusing away from your marriage.
It takes two people to make a marriage work. He needs to be willing to work on your needs just as much as you need to work on his.
It's unreal how similar our hubbies are. My DH is a shy, quiet artist, admittedly a big kid (comic book illustrator), very conservative, and a bit timid in the bedroom. He's very selfless in the bedroom, but a bit apprehensive nonetheless.
Like you, I mainly work from home in silence. When I do go out to do part of my job, I'm silent. I'm the quiet court reporter in a courtroom or deposition who takes everything down on my funny little machine. When DH comes home, I'm a chatterbox!
We're 34, BTW, and started dating at 19, married at 27.
I read where you said he was immature, says hello to you by sticking his tongue out at you. My DH does kid stuff, too. I guess it doesn't bother me, tho. If anything, I think it compliments me. It keeps me grounded, helps me remember that life's too short to not have fun and be a kid, especially when, for instance, I've spent the afternoon taking down the testimony of a grieving widow who lost her husband tragically and suddenly in an accident. Maybe it just depends on personalities and how you view things in life?
You should try every avenue you can to communicate to your DH about your sexual relationship. Based on his age, maybe it's his hormones? Remember that at our age, we're in our prime while our men at this age aren't. What was Mother Nature thinking?!?
Like you, I did much reading, too, on how to satisfy a man . Something I did a few months back was leave DH a note on the fridge on a Friday afternoon. I ended it with "pour yourself a mojito in the fridge and come find me in the pool." The note was pretty naughty, if you know what I mean, and contained lots of, um, instructions, fantasies, the things I love about him and his body and what these things do to me, as well as a light threat of having to get the handcuffs out if he didn't comply with my wishes (we're not really "handcuff" type folks, so this was a shocker for him). Boy, did we have a good weekend!
This got us out of our "routine," if only for a weekend. I've done other things, too, that are not part of our routine (try surprising him by pulling into the adult toy/porn store after your errands one afternoon!). Sure, I have to initiate and get a little creative, but that can be fun, too. Breaking the routine and sort of taking charge a bit has helped. It's helped our lines of communication, and it's helped motivate him to research a bit on his own, too.
Lastly, HelpHelpHelp is right on the money about you two undertaking a new hobby. This is exactly what DH & I did last summer. We talked about things we could try as a couple for weeks. Gourmet cooking is what worked for us. It got us out of the den watching TV (who can sit on the floor watching TV with a gourmet meal in front of you?) and into the dining room with music on; improved our health; got us out into fine dining restaurants and often in the kitchen of these restaurants when we request the chef's table. It got us out on the weekends in specialty food shops. This has even motivated us to remodel our kitchen together. Not for nothing, good, wholesome food makes semen taste good, too, LOL.
Y'all need to talk and put your heads together on something you guys can enjoy together, too. No offense -- I'm right there up with you -- but especially at our age, something new in our life we can enjoy and master is a wonderful feeling.
Sorry for the length here, but I think you have several issues that need working on (sexual, communication and boredom/rut). Hopefully with a little "take-charge" attitude, open communication and honest work on both of your parts, you'll find in your hubby what is causing to you turn to the internet/phone.
Best of Luck
Last edited by StenoLady1; 10-14-2006 at 06:18 AM.
Stenolady. A lot of what you said was right on the money. I have been disappointed with his lack of creativity in the bedroom that I stopped doing things myself. When he would get off work at 10:00 p.m., I'd have music playing, candles lit, rose pedals in the tub, all that romantic stuff and would just attack him. When he didn't reciprocate, by doing similar things to me, I just stopped. I love to cook and I once suggested cooking healthier meals together. He's not much of a cook, but he is willing to learn. Some of the fun times we've had was when we would set a radio outside and grill out while sharing a bottle of wine. I will try to do the same inside. Our rut basically now is I cook, we sit in front of the tv and eat. I clean while he looks at tv or plays his playstation. I get a little online time then we go to bed. That is what I am bored with. I don't feel good about myself about the phone sex. I have tried to talk to my husband about it. I tried to get him to understand by asking what if I orgasmed first and then went to sleep leaving him unsatisfied or what if I orgasmed first and then he had to finish himself off. I know men can have low self esteem about sexual issues, so I tried not to be harsh. We haven't had sex since then, so I'll just have to wait to see if things change. Thanks! It really helped hearing someone in a similar situation that I'm in!
Okay, so is he gay or something... I cant believe you told him you were having phone sex, and that didnt stir anything in him such as anger, hatred... or going in the oppositie direction and being zeoulous in trying to improve his sexual abilities to satisfy you so you no longer go to the internet, phone??? SO he didnt do anything about it... sounds kind of strange... did you guys fall inlove before getting married or just married out of the need to be with someone or a litlle of both or none of the above?
Hi I know exately what you mean, I also find it boring to sit night after night watching the telly.
Have you thought about camping, me and my partner love that, we always feel closer when we are camping, as it takes away any modern distractions like tv. It is real team work, and great fun. We take our bikes, have barbeques in the dark, it is cheap and fun.
We escape the hundrum of life for a few days, and have time only for each other, it works a treat, you should try it.
Brook65, I have also questioned whether he was gay and that was because of his low sex drive. When we do have sex, he has no problem getting erect. He does have problems with my phone sex. He says it is betrayal. He wants me to stop. But one time, he said something to the affect of having an open relationship, because of my discontent with my sex drive. He said he didn't really want it and he wouldn't do it, but it was an option to keep "me" happy. That was disturbing.
Soulster, we both like camping. He is more into it then I am, because I don't like the non-private bathroom time. Still we try to do it. Haven't in two years, because of other things coming up & he has one weekend a month where he has drill. The last time we had it planned, a hurricane was due so it was cancelled. We've gone about three times. Have not had sex once & I just feel that would be very romantic. Obviously, he doesn't.