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Old 10-13-2006, 08:58 AM   #1
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lovethoscurls HB User
How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

I think my bf is planning on buying me a ring for X-mas. I want to marry him...but, I don't think the time is right. I lost my grandma on July 31st. She was my world, my mom, my grandma, and my best friend. One of the hardest things for me to deal with was knowing she wouldn't be at my wedding, I'm not ready to deal with that, especially not at Christmas. Christmas is going to be hard enough this year.

I also, as much as I love him, have some concerns with our relationship. I know he loves me, but at times I wonder if he is completely over his ex-wife. I think partially because I am dealing with so many emotions and so much stress right now that the smallest things bother me, but also things he does I just don't agree with. I have never been a jealous person, and have always thought of jealousy to be so stupid and ugly, but I find myself wondering about every little thing, even in my sleep. I am constantly having dreams about the two of them to the point that I wake up angry.

I feel like such an idiot sometimes for these thoughts, but at other times wonder if I am having them for a reason. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I want to know for SURE that I am not playing second best.

How do I explain all of this to him, first off with not knowing "For Sure" that he is planning on buying a ring, and second without hurting him?

Last edited by lovethoscurls; 10-13-2006 at 08:59 AM.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 11:47 AM   #2
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

Well, just because he gets you a ring doesn't mean you need to get married right away, or even anytime in the near future. You could stay engaged for years.
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Old 10-13-2006, 01:40 PM   #3
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

Ring can be returned in 30 days as far as I know unless he does some alterations.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 01:56 PM   #4
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

I don't think it would be a good situation to receive an engagement ring and then return it. I would imagine that would be pretty heartbreaking. Have you two talked about marriage and where your relationship is headed? Usually couples do talk about marriage and are pretty much agreed as if they want to marry each other -- and when -- before the guy actually proposes. So, have this talk with him. It doesn't have to be something negative, in fact it can be quite positive, but you can then express your concerns about how a wedding would affect you at this time or in the near future because of your recent loss and that you'd prefer to wait. Then you can find out what he is thinking too. This would help you avoid the misunderstanding or embarassment of a Christmas proposal and possible refusal on your part. At the same time you can express you love and committment to him and how you do find him to be someone you would like to marry someday (if that is in fact the case).

Unless he's doing something that would legitimately cause someone to worry (such as spending lots of time with his ex or if lying about seeing her, etc.), then I think the jealousy problems are all in your head and something that you have to deal with -- very well could be due to the heavy stress you've recently experienced.

 
Old 10-13-2006, 02:02 PM   #5
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

If he does buy you a ring it's because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. You don't have to get married right away, it's just a symbol that he wants that type of committment.
I'm sorry about your grandmother. It takes a long time to get over losing someone who is so close to you. The holidays have a way of bringing all those emotions to the surface.
You're still grieving and that causes a lot of stress. Unless your boyfriend is acting in such a way to make you suspicious and jealous I'm sure it's all related to that stress. When I was pregnant I use to wake up enraged with my husband because I had a dream about him sleeping with my sister, best friend, whoever. I know it wasn't real but sometimes your mind plays tricks on you when you're at your most vulnerable.
You'll be fine. Allow yourself to grieve, but also allow yourself to move on in your life with your boyfriend. Your grandmother won't be there physically but she will be in your heart. Besides, don't you think she would want you to be happy?

 
Old 10-13-2006, 07:46 PM   #6
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

Hi sweetie...sounds like you're still struggling. I know I haven't responded a lot, I go through phases where posting on the grief/death/dying boards is just too hard, but you are not far from my thoughts and prayers.

I have a question/suggestion....do you have someone that is a mutual friend of you two that could maybe mention to him that you are struggling so much that if he's thinking of giving you a ring, wait until the emotions that are going to come with your first Christmas without her have passed?

If you did not have these feelings about him before (the nervous ones) then it's possible it's just a transfer from the grief. It's easier to feel anger and anxiety than it is to feel loneliness and sorrow. I know this from experience. And little things that did not bother you before may drive you insane for the next little while.

My suggestion is to sit down and sort through how you felt about him before your loss and see what is likely to be real vs. extra stress you've been through.

I hope this finds you well, you deserve to be happy....if he is what makes you happy, don't let grief stand in the way of it.

Loves and hugs, Angel
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Old 10-13-2006, 08:56 PM   #7
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

i wouldn't be worried about it if i were you...afterall, it is not CERTAIN he will be offering you the ring anytime soon. And how do you think that would make him feel if you said, "don't buy me a ring!" and he was NOT even going to anyways??? That what be weird, awkward...

When and if it happens, you can see how you feel, 'cause who knows where you will be with things at Christmas? Take it one day at a time. If he does extend an offer to you, THEN you handle it and explain the roller coaster of emotions you have.

It seems a little preliminary to me to go ahead and say DON'T GIVE ME A RING, when he hasn't even given you one yet, and you might even change your mind and decide you are ready...

it is nonsense to drive yourself crazy over a hypothetical situation.

 
Old 10-14-2006, 04:50 AM   #8
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovethoscurls
... I have never been a jealous person, and have always thought of jealousy to be so stupid and ugly, but I find myself wondering about every little thing, even in my sleep. I am constantly having dreams about the two of them to the point that I wake up angry.

I feel like such an idiot sometimes for these thoughts, but at other times wonder if I am having them for a reason. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I want to know for SURE that I am not playing second best....
First, you were not a jealous person in the past probably because there wasn't anything to be jealous about. Not because it wasn't in you. Just be careful to feel that way when you are dealing with dreams and fiction instead of facts. But I think you already know that....

As for the ring, don't bother trying to second guess or talk him out of it unless he is reaching beyond his means. i.e. he has better not be blowing his rent or maxing his credit cards to do so.

I always tell people that the "giver" is benefiting from the joy of giving just as much if not more than the person on the recieving end. So enjoy, hope it's something tastful and not too gaudy.

Cheers.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 04:41 AM   #9
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

Thank you all so much for your responses. A lot of what you all have said makes sense. I do want him to be my forever, but not right now. Your right, just because he buys a ring doesn't mean we have to get married right away. We have talked about it, and I told him that I did want to marry him someday, however that was before everything with my grandma. We have also talked about a long engagement.

Someone asked me if I had this feeling of jealousy before everything with my grandma and to a point yes, not nearly this strong though. Things he does seem so tedious, but at the same time so big. For example, a couple of weeks ago I was sick. I normally go with him to pick up his daughters from his ex wife. This night I didn't, they DO NOT speak if I am there. The one night I am not there, she asked him to pick her up flea medication for her cat at the vets near our house. He came home and doesn't mention anything about it. He then tells me he forgot to pick up medicine for me. The following night he picks up flea medication for her cat yet still doesn't remember to pick up mine. I was furious when he told me about it. This medicine can be pick up ANYWHERE. You can call a 1-800 number and "have it delivered to your door for less". I don't think that it is his responsibility to pick up flea medication for her cat. First off let me mention she left him and she now lives with her BF so it isn't like he left her and she is all alone and he feels bad so he does things for her.

Then she brought their daughter over to drop off her cloths and when I got home he told me his daughter walked in and he was talking to her. I knew she (the ex) was in the house. I know anytime I am not home from work yet and she comes over she comes in. Not a big deal, except why can you not come in while I am there? It all just makes me wonder. He ended up telling me kind of, he just mentioned in conversation about him talking to her. So, once again not a big deal but why was it not mentioned in the first conversation? Like he didn't want to tell me.

Like I said I know it all sounds so trivial but some of these things just bother me. They bother me a lot, and I don't to often let him know. I did let him know I was upset about the flea medicine thing, he apologized and said he was "just trying to get along, but I was right he shouldn't have done it". To me getting along and running her errands are two different things. Especially when she will not speak to him when I am there but the minute I am not she is asking for favors.

I don't know, I love him to death. I want to be with him forever, I want to marry him. I am just so afraid and already have so much on my plate right now.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 02:49 PM   #10
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Re: How to let him know, not to buy a ring....

I honestly wouldn't worry too much about his ex. I had a similar experience wtih my ex-husband. I left him and I wanted nothing to do with his girlfriend. It wasn't jealousy, I was engaged to my now husband, I just didn't like the idea of another woman influencing my daughter. She made an effort to talk to me and try to get to know me a little and that made all of the difference and I realized that I shouldn't be so quick to judge.
I'm not saying that your situation is the same, but she just may have the same reserves. It's hard to be a mom and know that you can't be in control with what happens with your kids all of the time. You're bf should try to make a point to have her come in when your home so you can talk. If you guys are getting married you are all going to be one big family, like it or not. All of you should try to make an effort for the kids.
I'm not saying it's your fault or responsibility. I'm just saying that sometimes the biological parent is blinded to what the "step" parent feels.
I hope this helps.

 
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