Well I haven't read any of the responses, or your responses to the other posters, but heres something to think about..
Yes, i've been in your place. And it's a horrible non-existent life. Not even really life.
So he's a coke head, doesn't have a job, lives off of you, doesn't respect you, goes out when he wants, comes home when he wants, doesn't care for your feelings, has no drive, and no ambition. I'm sorry hun, but he just doesn't love you... yeah he cries, shows emotion when you want to leave. But haven't you ever thought about the fact that he's only apologetic when your going to leave? Then when you decide to stay it goes back to being the same..
Tell me, why would he change when he doesn't have to? Your theats aren't great enough. and only leaving for a couple of days is not enough punishment for him... You have NEVER put your foot down, and stood your ground. So therefore he has no reason to change, in his mind you'll never leave him. That's called taking you for granted..
When I was with my ex, a thought I came up with helped me leave him..I cried myself to sleep almost every night when he would be out roaming the streets with whomever. But if I left him, and got back on my feet again, yeah I would still be crying myself to sleep. But if I left, the crying would eventually stop. If I stay i'll be crying myself to sleep forever.....
So your falling for his tears too? And believing when he says he'll change, but he has done nothing about it..hmm...ever heard of actions speak louder than words?
My ex used to cry for hours! But my only fault was listening to him cry, and exceping his phone calls when he's begging and begging for me to come back to him. If I truly wanted to leave him then why was I excepting his phone calls? ....... If you truly want to leave you have to STOP believing his words. HE IS NOT HONEST, the sooner you get that through your head, the better off you'll be!! Your believing BS!! What are you falling for? Words? Anyone can say words!!
Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying he's lying to you. I'm sure he doesn't want you to leave. Then who would support him?......
Look, i've been in your place. You just have to realize that we only live once. And it's not our problem to fix other peoples problems unless they want help. We can't stress ourselves to death over things/people we can't control.. we'll go insane...
Insanity is repeating the same cycle over and over expecting a different result!!!
If he never changed, why would he now? your hanging onto the past, grasping at what he used to be. you're not living in reality. Of what's really going on... he'll never change. And if he does it's not going to be anytime soon. When he says he'll get help and doesn't- if he doesn't get help, or try to get help the first day he said he would, then he never will. You wait around... is life about waiting around? Especially with people who can care less about us?
I mean, if you just met him RIGHT NOW and him being the way he is, would you stick around? For what!!??? theres nothing even healthy about him, or you two together..
So your afraid you won't find someone as attractive as him? Are you freakin' kidding me?? You'd rather be abused and with someone attractive then living a healthy, normal life? Are you serious? Look, I know your young, but stop thinking young cause right now your in a serious/grown up situation that you need out of. If you think like a kid, I guess that you'll never really see what's coming to you...
all I know is that my life is 100% better than what it used to be... I was so unhappy and depressed 99% of the time I didn't even realize it until I left!!
Today is day 3, and I can't believe time is going by this slow. It feels like he's been gone forever. I saw him today... I was weak and broke down. I cried and begged him for answers. All he had to say was "I don't know." He didn't even say he was sorry. I called him about an hour later, and I remember exactly what I said:
"I had a weak moment earlier, and I just want to say that I don't want to be with someone like you. You're an a******, and you know that in your heart. I hope you never forget this, and I hope it eats at you inside. Thanks for everything, Darryl. And thanks for nothing."
And I hung up. It felt good, and I feel strong right now. Even after finding an email he'd sent me in February with cute little pictures and love notes. I'm still crying... still trying to hate him, but I really can't. He was my world for the past 2 and half years... it's just so hard to let go.
As far as support... I don't have much. This forum has been the most helpful so far. My mom doesn't listen.. she just keeps telling me that I'm crazy and that I need help. I guess she's right, but I wish she'd be more understanding. She went through the same thing with my dad for 10 years.. so maybe she just doesn't want to remember. I don't want to be around any of my friends... they are all in relationships and it kills me just to see two people kiss or hold hands. It's like "Why can't I have that?".
Oh, you sound like a really nice girl and some day you will have that -- the kissing hand holding stuff. Plus, you are so young. Your early 20s are going to fun times, trust me, you want to be single in your early 20s. Maybe you can ask a girlfriend to spend some time with only you and not talk about guys for once?
OK, and I really don't think you needed to call him, but hey, I guess if you need that closure, then take it. But, don't call him ever again.
He's a drug addict and I'm assuming alcoholic, too. Just imagine when he turns 21 next year. There's no way you want to be anywhere near that trainwreck. I imagine arrests and fines in his future too.
You'll heal. Your mom is probably crazy, too. Don't let her get to you.
How about making some new friends? Just keep in mind that you are really vulnerable right now. Don't let anyone take advantage of you. You have to take care of yourself first.
Keep your head up. And please try to go back to counseling to help with your self esteem.