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Old 10-16-2006, 10:12 AM   #1
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crazy4minis HB User
Exclamation Abandonment issues or legitimate concern?

I am in the midst of trying to heal from the abandonment of my partner of 6 years. The relationship has been emotionally over for 6-7 months, but the physical breakup happened about 2 1/2 months ago. He immediately moved his new sweetie in, in fact, I didn't even have everything moved out before he moved her in!
About a month ago(maybe a little more), I started dating someone new, and things have been going along great. He had also been through a relationship in which he was lied to and cheated on, although he has had more time to recover from it than I have.
As I said, things have been going along great and we seem to have a lot in common. We have gotten to the point of seeing each other every day, and spending every night together as well. Now here is what I am wrestling with. This past weekend, his parents came for a visit. They came in on Thursday night, and stayed through this morning. The first thing that hurt my feelings is I have been asking him to take a day off from work and spend it with me for a couple weeks now. Just one good blow off day with no comitments and time to just lazy around and enjoy each other. He has lots of vacation time, and no plans to use any of it except a couple days for hunting season. His response when I ask is "I wish I could." But he did take Friday off to spend with his parents. Also, the whole weekend, I felt basically ignored. Not one phone call... I would see him online, but he did not IM me, and he told me not to IM him first in case it was his dad online instead of him. It was killing me to know he was on, but did not want to bother to chat with me, or at least say hello. The only time he would message me or email me was after his parents went to bed. I feel like he is ashamed to let them know I exist. So now I am worried that I am falling for another abandoner. Half of me says I'm over-reacting for fear of being abandoned again, the other half wonders if I will always be put on the back burner when he has more pressing things to do. I am not saying he should not have spent as much quality time as he could with his parents, I'm just saying I feel like he could have had a little more contact with me, and maybe even planned an outing that I could have gone on too? Maybe the relationship is too new and I am expecting too much. Anybody have any thoughts on this? I know people get to be "abandonholics" and I just want some input as to whether this is the behavior of a potential abandoner, or if I am just overly sensitive right now. I want to make sure my eyes are wide open in my relationships from here on in. Thanks in advance for any input!

 
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Old 10-16-2006, 01:23 PM   #2
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JBravo556 HB User
Re: Abandonment issues or legitimate concern?

Well I think he should have sent you an IM if it was him on the computer. He didn't call and he didn't IM you all weekend but you had been spending every day together... something isn't right with this picture and you should probably sit back and see how it plays out. maybe you should distance yourself from him a little. if you spend every day with someone and they decide to leave you're going to be left feeling all alone. Take some time and spend it with friends instead.

 
Old 10-16-2006, 02:13 PM   #3
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crazy4minis HB User
Re: Abandonment issues or legitimate concern?

Thanks for the reply, Bravo. It's not that he didn't email or IM all weekend, just not until 11 or 12 at night, after his parents went to bed. (so they wouldn't know?? Because they were busy visiting before then?? I'm not sure) After I posted this, I re-read it and thought I kinda sounded like a whiney 5 year old that didn't get her way. You make me think that my concerns are at least a little bit justified. I don't want to ditch a relationship that could end up being very special, but I also don't want to put a lot of time into someone who is going to turn out to be emotionally unavailable to me. I just went through 6 years of that. My emotions are so sporadic lately, that I just have a hard time separating logic from anxiety... if that makes sense.
Thanks again!

 
Old 10-17-2006, 10:53 AM   #4
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crazy4minis HB User
Re: Abandonment issues or legitimate concern?

Anyone else have any input????

 
Old 10-17-2006, 11:57 AM   #5
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Abandonment issues or legitimate concern?

I would find it a little suspicious that he didn't want his parents to know about you. I'd think that if he was really sweet on you, he'd want to show you off to the folks and say "Look at this great girl I've got." Then again...you have only been dating for a month. It's probably too soon to be meeting the parents. And if they found out about you, maybe they'd beg to meet you, and he's not ready for that yet.

I don't know, it just doesn't really sit right with me. He didn't call you once all weekend? The whole time I've been with my fiancee, we haven't gone a day without talking to each other, even when he's been out of state. I'd be kind of insulted that he thinks he can just throw you on the back burner for several days. But...it is still early. Give it a little more time, see how things develop, and trust your instincts.
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