As some of you know, I have just recently gotten out of an abusive relationship (we were engaged) and I am not having an easy time of it at all. I know that is to be expected, but I find myself constantly thinking about him, and only the good times. I will never, ever go back- that isn't the issue. My heart and my brain are really in a struggle, here. I even find myself second-guessing if he was even abusive or not. How do I stop thinking about him? How do I get over this? My whole world feels dark. My life changed so drastically all of a sudden- we were supposed to be married in two months. I feel like I will never pick myself back up, have happy times, find someone good for me... but on the other hand my brain is telling me that I am so much better off. I am so depressed. I just miss him so much. I feel stupid for that, but I do. He was like my best friend when times were good. How could this be happening to me? I feel like my life is over.
It was awful. Of course, at first he begged me to come back. Said he would change, do anything, never hurt me again. You know, the usual. Then it ended with me moving my stuff out while he was at work because I knew if I talked to him he would have a good chance to getting me to come back. After that he left me messages saying I ripped his heart out, etc. I changed my number and that has just driven me insane because it was cutting my last ties to him, so it felt like. It hurts so bad because I didn't want any of this. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to have children with him. I had my life planned out. But I won't allow myself to be in a situation with someone that ever hurt me, even once. I am really struggling with guilt feelings right now because he and his whole family hate me so much. I "broke his heart" even though he got violent with me and that's why I left. This whole thing has turned into me breaking up with him. Like it is my fault! I just miss him so much it is almost physically painful. I just wish he could know how much this hurts me and I love him, I just left because of what he did. I cry all the time; I can't seem to stop.
You have left him and you are determined to move on. So there is no reason to tell him that the reason you've moving on is because of that incident. And it is not just because of that one time. He always kept you walking on eggshells, remember. There were severe problems before he ripped the ring off your finger. Even though it may appear that you left him, or feel like it is that way, he left you when he ripped the ring off your finger. That was the last straw. He blew up at you that time when he was drunk and he will do it again. OK, you know all that. You just have to keep reminding yourself that. And, you don't need to tell him that you still love him or tell him how much you're hurting. The only reason you'd tell him that is if you intended to go back with him and since you absolutely do not want to do that, then there is no reason. I know this is so hard but you made your decision. The only true way to heal is with time. It may takes months or even years. Have you entered counseling yet? You sounded positive last week when you talked about counseling. Do you have another, true best friend that you can turn to for support (like a girl friend)?
I commend you for having the insight, courage and strength to leave a debilitating relationship before you end up devoting years of your life going down a dead end street. I know it is an extremely hard thing to go through, but the pain is temporary, even though it seems permanent to you right now. This pain will pass in time, but if you were to stay with him, the pain would be chronic. My prayers are with you to remain strong in your decision!
Reading books is definately a good idea. Also, maybe taking an empowering class like self defense or karate? It will help build back your self esteem and working out always makes you feel better.
Don't second guess yourself. You did the right thing! It will get easier, I promise!
I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I was dumped by the "love of my life" and thought I would never recover. Well, its a little under a year later and I am doing great. I remember pouring my heart out on these boards, crying every minute and calling my mom 6 times a day crying to her for weeks. I couldnt eat and lost 10 lbs and I couldnt sleep and had to take sleeping pills. I really wouldnt have bet my money that I was going to feel better or get over the pain.
But I did. And, little by little (around 4-6 months) I started truly seeing why my ex was bad for me. He was very religious and just made me feel bad about myself whether he meant to or not.
I, like you, said that i never would get back with him in a million years, but that didnt mean I stopped loving him when he stopped loving me. I too made excuses for the way he made me feel unworthy and regretful of past decisions I had made.
Over time, no matter what, you WILL be OK. I NEVER believed anyone on these boards when they said that, but it is true. The pain is horrible and it lasts a long time and you go through a whirlwind of emotions. But it will pass in time. Each day turns into months, and you will start growing stronger and regaining confidence in yourself. And getting past a situation like this helped me to feel better about myself, b/c if I can survive a betrayal and a breakup w/ someone I was ready to marry, than I can survive anything.
So trust me, I know it feels impossible. Like others, I would read, and I also found counseling really helped me in the very beginning. It is hard to not concentrate on the good times, but really really try to concentrate on his abusive nature. B/c, I dont care how good the good times were, he was ABUSIVE and no one deserves that. You really have to just work to heal and make your head stronger than your heart. And, if anything, you are doing both yourself AND him a favor...maybe in losing you, he can realize that he has a problem and get some help.