It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-16-2006, 10:30 PM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 93
2CBK HB User
Unhappy Achilles heel- need help

I don't know how many of you have a certain problem that keeps occuring over and over. Then goes away, but then comes back. This is what I mean...

I have been dealing with a co-worker for the past 6-9 months where he has been flirting with me-at least being very very nice. He's usually rude and arrogant with others. He's single and I'm married (9 years) and he knows that.

I got him off my back for a while, and I will admit that the extra special attention I had been getting from him was nice. But I would come home and feel guilty because I was enjoying the attention, probably alittle too much.

I have been see-sawing back and forth with this guy. Some days I am repulsed that he would even think about flirting with me. Then there are some days where I fantasize about running away with him.

To make matters worse, my husband has been away almost every weekend and I'm starting to get lonely. He goes hunting and I've spoken with him to please spend some more time with me and his son. But, my hubby says that there are only 2 weeks left in dear season. He also paid a premium price to join a hunting club, so he feels like he needs to get his money's worth and spend as much hunting time as possible. What is even worse is that it was my idea about a year ago for him to join this club b/c I wanted him to enjoy his free time. It's backfiring on me now.

This coworker even asked me if I was happy in my marriage and I truthfully answered "not really". We had been talking about how much time my hubby spends hunting, and he gave me good advice- we "need to spend more face to face time together." From that advice I thought that this guy is not after me, but just being friendly. But, I think it's too late b/c I'm starting to have feelings for him.

How can I get this guy out of my mind? I don't like feeling this way because I don't want to betray my husband. I do love my hubby, it's just a hard time right now with him. I know DH will NOT go to counseling, so I think that door is pretty much closed. I even told DH that I felt bad b/c I was enjoying the coworker's comments. DH replied saying that he never wanted to hear that guy's name again. And he hasn't. I have been botteling this all up and I don't want to explode and say something I'll regret to either DH or to this coworker.

Can anyone please advise how to end my torment? I feel tormented.

Sorry for the long post.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-17-2006, 09:36 AM   #2
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

Hi 2CBK:

We can only talk about probabilities here:

1. Probably this co-worker is taking advantage of your "weakness". (By the way, does the Achilles' heel refer back to you?)
2. Probably he means to seduce you.
3. Probably he is after an adventure - nothing further.
4. Probably if you surrender to him, you'll be playing with fire.
5. Probably if you have sex with him, it will be highly enjoyable, but followed by guilt and possibly depression.
6. Probably he won't be able to replace your husband and look after you and your child. Probably he doesn't want this and probably he doesn't have the means to.
7. Probably he is like a wolf under sheep's skin, if you see what I mean.
8. Probably you have reached a plateau in your marriage (nine years, isn't it?), where boredom and sexual insatisfaction often settle in.
9. Probably this is not the end of the world (that is, not the end of your marriage), but of course it must be the work of you two (husband and wife) to move on and away from the plateau and find a new rising curve. This is your challenge. Don't think a solution will fall down from heavens or simply replacing your husband with one (unknown and probably oportunistic) man is the best answer.
11. Probably your present job is boring and not satisfying you. Couldn't you try to find another one which won't divert you from the task at hand?

Best of luck to you.

JC

Last edited by brazilman; 10-17-2006 at 09:38 AM.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 11:04 AM   #3
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 101
JBravo556 HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

How come a large portion of posts are about women not happy with thier husband and how they are on the verge of cheating on them?

If you're on here asking what to do then you already know the answer.

No one is going to give you the green light to cheat on you husband because it is WRONG and IMMORAL!

Do youself a favor and distance yourself from this guy at work. He is not giving you advice. He is wedging his way in using your weak spots.

btw... thanks to this board and the posts I see from married women I never want to get married.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 11:32 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 1,420
GypsyArcher HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

Hi there. Well, you've let your husband know that you miss him and that you're even starting to drift toward a co-worker for attention. I think if he completely ignores that and doesn't make an attempt to fix things, then he's being dangerously oblivious.

If there are only two more weeks left in deer hunting season, does that mean that soon he'll be home again on the weekends? Personally, I'd be pretty annoyed myself if my fiancee took off every weekend for something dumb like that. I wouldn't let it bother me, though - I'd be out whoopin' it up, having my own good time.

Which is what I think you need to do. Make the most of the free time you have and have FUN. Throw parties, go out...although you said you have a kid so it might not be that easy for you, I dunno.

One thing about this co-worker though - if he is rude and arrogant to everybody else but nice to you, DON'T let that fool you. Always, ALWAYS judge people by how they treat everyone else around them. If he puts on the sugar-sweet mask just for you, then chances are he is only trying to lure you in and manipulate you. If he feels like he's "got you" but you don't give into him, he could turn really nasty and scary. Use your good judgement here!
__________________
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

 
Old 10-17-2006, 11:40 AM   #5
Senior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 101
JBravo556 HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

I don't understand. how much attention do you need? you know that the hunting season is almost over so what is the big deal?

Last edited by JBravo556; 10-17-2006 at 11:41 AM.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 11:49 AM   #6
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: St. Paul, Minnesota
Posts: 745
minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

I completely agree with JC and Gypsy. JB -- I think you're just a bit bitter right now.

2CBK, you are what we here in Minnesota call a "hunting widow." Around here, we have special events for women whose husbands are off hunting - such as male strippers at the casino, or girl's nights out planned at local nightclubs, things like that. This can often be one of our most fun times of the year. I think you need a night out with the girls. Is that possible for you?

I think people are right on the guy flirting with you at work. Although it is flattering to be flirted with, take it as that. Your feelings are just a bit of lust that will fade. But, since he is a jerk to everyone else, watch out for him. I think it is natural to having lust feelings for someone else while you are married - hey, men have them all the time. But take it as that, just a silly fantasy.

Did you have these problems before hunting season?

Hey, another thing I've done, and I'm not sure if this is right for your situation, but I have visited my BF at his camp during deer hunting and brought him a big bucket of chicken and pizza, then "kept him warm" all night in his van where he slept. It was kind of romantic. Yes, he had friends there, too, but I think that instead of infridging on their "male bonding" time, they were all kinda jealous.

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 10-17-2006 at 11:50 AM.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 12:23 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,789
galinaqt HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
One thing about this co-worker though - if he is rude and arrogant to everybody else but nice to you, DON'T let that fool you. Always, ALWAYS judge people by how they treat everyone else around them. If he puts on the sugar-sweet mask just for you, then chances are he is only trying to lure you in and manipulate you. If he feels like he's "got you" but you don't give into him, he could turn really nasty and scary. Use your good judgement here!
You are so very right.
I had co-worker who was hitting on me at work. As soon as he didn't get what he wants he became from nice to extremly abusive and manager sided with him blaming me for everything since this guy was more valuable for work at that moment. When somebody tried to ask manager to be fair to me he said that I am very stupid and ask for that.
Be very careful about work relationship, it is very bad for your reputation. This guy will likely to brag about his victory if you will have affair with him.
Guy obviusly interested if your marriage works or not only 'cause he wants to seduce you.
In my case I was single and crip was married but he said that his marriage is on the rocks and he has 2 more women he was try to hit on.
You better of trying to talk to your husband without any councelors, at least at first.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 02:53 PM   #8
Inactive
(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo556
How come a large portion of posts are about women not happy with thier husband and how they are on the verge of cheating on them?

If you're on here asking what to do then you already know the answer.

No one is going to give you the green light to cheat on you husband because it is WRONG and IMMORAL!

Do youself a favor and distance yourself from this guy at work. He is not giving you advice. He is wedging his way in using your weak spots.

btw... thanks to this board and the posts I see from married women I never want to get married.

I know, I know, you are not allowed to answer to posts coming from other members, but only from the person who first made the question. But after reading the intriguing post from JBravo556, I was unable to keep my big mouth shut. Sorry.

How come a large portion of posts are about women not happy with their husband and how they are on the verge of cheating on them? True, but what is this a sign of? That marriage has a crisis? That women need more than a home, safety and kids to look after? That men are becoming less virile? That women want out-of-the-wedlock experiences, too? There is no easy answer, I am afraid.

If you're on here asking what to do then you already know the answer.

No one is going to give you the green light to cheat on you husband because it is WRONG and IMMORAL!
Maybe, but I also find it to be wrong and immoral for a husband to cheat on his wife, even if male promiscuity is biological.

btw... thanks to this board and the posts I see from married women I never want to get married. Oh, no, JBravo556, don't base your decision alone on what you hear on this forum. Actually, marriage is not all beer and skittles, but I believe you can make a marriage function quite well and be an unforgetable experience. Being single to me means remaining incomplete or unfinished.

Oh, I hope the administrator won't ban me for this.

JC

 
Old 10-17-2006, 03:44 PM   #9
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 93
2CBK HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

Thank you for all your posts.

I do know what I need to do, but it's the matter of actually doing it is what's hard. These fantasies I have about running away with him (which he has stated that he really wants to a have a wife and kids) is quickly followed by reality that I would hurt my husband very deeply and I don't want to do that, let alone hurt my child. I did forget to mention that he has been known to flirt (be very nice) with few other coworkers. With the nature of my job I can't just pick up and go somewhere else. Actually I can, but it's a lot of work and adjustments. I'm a nurse and he's a doctor. I could move departments at the hospital, but I'd probably see him still. One thing he did tell me was that his contract will be ending soon and that I may come to work one day and he'll be gone. When he told me I was relieved, but at the same time I was alittle saddened. I have been enjoying our friendship (he tells me of his wordly travels which I would love to do) and I tell him about my home life which he really wants. I try to incorporate my husband into our conversations as much as I can to remind him that I am married (not that he's forgotten). In a way, it seems like we're living our dream life through each other vicariously.

This problem with my husband has been an ongoing issue for the past couple years. It didn't start when hunting season arrived. In fact I usually am right there next to him sporting my own rifle and scoping for my deer! But the nature of the hunting club is that only members are allowed on the property. It seems like the issue is growing year after year. I don't think the main problem is this guy at work, he's just an excuse, but the real issue is my marriage. My DH seems so uninterested in it. He comes home tired everyday and really doesn't want to do ANYTHING! I'm not asking him to make dinner or care for our child or care for the home, but after he eats he sits and reads the newspaper, heads off to bed and is snoring within 5 minutes of the lights being out. I need him to pay alittle attention to me at least sometimes. We have also reached a point in our marriage that I seem to know everything about him and he with me. Another issue that has come up with in the last couple months is our sexual health. He's not really interested (probably b/c he's tired all the time) and I'm reaching my sexual peak (at least it feels like it!) So needless to say, I'm burning with passion and being unfullfilled.


As with JBravo's comment on women not being happy with their marriages- I have to comment on that. My guess is that most of the members on this board are women, especially the relationship health board. Women are more relational than men, generally. Also I think women are more open to discussion about it (infidelity), whereas men will keep it to themselves. And lastly there are usually two sides to the story along with two "faults". Even if a woman cheats on her husband you have to ask "why?" Was the husband not fulfilling his duty at home with children, in bed, financially, responsiblity? I'm not excusing the cheater, we're all responsible for our OWN actions. A person cannot say "I did this because you made me..." unless you're being tied down and threatened with your life.

I love being married. I don't think I could or want to be single. My husband and I had a great marriage the first 7 years or so. Now we've settled down and more responsibilities are on our shoulders. It's just that right now, our lives have become such a rut (I'm not talking about the deer-type of rut ) and boring. It's almost lifeless. This friendship at work gives me alittle excitment but I'm afraid it's very dangerous-darn!!

My husband admits to me that he's a boring guy and he likes it that way. He doesn't like to go out, have friends over or go travel or try new things... I am becoming more extroverted than when I first met him. I'm wanting adventure and I feel like I'm getting it thru this guy at work.

Last edited by 2CBK; 10-17-2006 at 03:48 PM.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 05:56 PM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,789
galinaqt HB User
Re: Achilles heel- need help

May be this guy is saying that he is interested in marriage and kids to seduce you. Most of the women would like to hear that. If he is known for flirting with other people it is a bad sign. You don't have to transfer but you can try to avoid him or tell him that you have a husband and intent to stay with him.
It could be very bad for your career to mess up with this characther.
Why don't you have a talk with your husband and may be even go to support group or seminar which can help you to find some kind of compromise. I am also not into doing anything after work and can be without any sex.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Shooting/stabbing pain in achilles tendon...what is this? CFD 333 Exercise & Fitness 5 06-04-2008 05:38 AM
partial achilles tendon tear...anyone else? tanyasparks Foot & Ankle Problems 2 02-19-2008 05:03 PM
Achilles Heel hell! fox1 Foot & Ankle Problems 1 12-29-2006 06:43 PM
Achilles Lengthening Lil_Jinx Cerebral Palsy 24 12-25-2006 07:27 PM
achilles tendonitis Aprilrain Foot & Ankle Problems 4 03-25-2006 04:22 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (159), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (102), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1011), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (761), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:20 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!