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Old 10-17-2006, 12:56 PM   #1
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Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

What is the general consensus on someone snooping through someone's personal items (cell phone, email, purse, etc) after that person has betrayed you before. My thoughts are even though this is someone's personal items, this is MY TIME AND EMOTIONS being invested in the relationship, and both are very important to me. I feel that once I have a reasonable doubt in someone's respect for those two things, I have less respect for someone's privacy. You're probably thinking, "Why am I even in the relationship?" Well, I believe that the things on which I was betrayed are not worth losing the relationship over. She has reminded me that snooping through her things was not good (which a friend of hers of course agreed to) although she apologized for betraying me and vowed not to do it again. But from my viewpoint, I need to be assured that someone is being real with me. I've never had to snoop before in a past relationship, so I feel she "opened the door" for this to occur. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

 
Old 10-17-2006, 01:25 PM   #2
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

Like you said, I don't know what she did to betray your trust in her and maybe if I knew I would be able to give some better advice.

My honest opinion is if you can't trust her (for whatever reason) then what else is there? Trust is the foundation of any relationship. I've been in a relationship where I didn't trust the person (and for good reason because I was right on about everything) and it was emotionally exhausting.

Snooping is wrong and I think you already know that. I don't think you would want her going through your cell phone or wallet even if there was nothing to hide. It's just an invasion of privacy that everyone deserves.

I hope if it isn't a big enough deal to end the relationship that you can learn to trust her again and hopefully she is doing her part to earn it. If not I don't see what hope there is for your relationship.

Best of Luck!

 
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Old 10-17-2006, 01:52 PM   #3
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

I too have snooped, have found things have not. The thing is that you can not let the snooping control/take over you. You may start thinking that this thing and that thing and this...blah could be this or mean that...(this is going on with one of my co-workers....she feels consumed by snooping and what things mean or could mean). Do it maybe a couple months and drop it.
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Old 10-17-2006, 03:51 PM   #4
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

As already has been said, if you don't have trust, then what's the point of continuing the relationship? You're fooling yourself if you think you have a healthy relationship when you're asking peoples' permission to pry into your SO's personal things. Can't you even see how wrong that is?

Bottom line, if you feel like you need to snoop to find out whether or not she can be trusted, then that means you already don't trust her and you shouldn't be in a relationship with her. End of story.

 
Old 10-17-2006, 10:54 PM   #5
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

I am a privacy maniac, so not inclined to be a snoop or a snoopee. But I did have reason to snoop, and I found something a thousand times worse than I could have imagined.

So yes, I think if you are in a supposedly commited relationship, with reason to snoop, then I think you have every reason (right) to do so. I could not believe the level of deception that was going on. And I never would have known otherwise.

On the other hand, as someone here says, don't let it become an obsession (which I did briefly) - that starts getting creepy in a relationship.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 06:40 AM   #6
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

georgie and bigfan
what exactly did you find when you snooped?

 
Old 10-18-2006, 06:47 AM   #7
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

I'm guessing they found some sign of infidelity from their partners, or at least the suggestion of it.

My view on snooping is that it is ok now and again just in case your partner is being dishonest, and also if you have genuine suspicion of something going on.

Personally I believe that if you've got nothing to hide then why try and hide it? If my partner saw my phone laying around and looked on it, I wouldn't care because I know there is nothing on there I would want to hide.

The minute someone gets defensive about their 'privacy' is when I'd start worrying about being lied to. I think in a very new relationship where there is little commitment, then fair enough keep things private, but not in a committed relationship as it's just likely to cause paranoia.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 06:48 AM   #8
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

if you feel the need to snoop because of past events, then that is your clue to get out. nothing about his email or cell phone will make you feel better, you will just get more comfortable checking more often.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 06:51 AM   #9
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

Quote:
Originally Posted by Willapp
The minute someone gets defensive about their 'privacy' is when I'd start worrying about being lied to. I think in a very new relationship where there is little commitment, then fair enough keep things private, but not in a committed relationship as it's just likely to cause paranoia.
well I've been snooped on for no good reason. my ex-BF went thru my drawers and asked me about something he saw. He claimed that he was putting my laundry away, although that was BS. Then HE got defensive and started yelling and screaming at ME when I told him that I knew he snooped and didn't look in that drawer by accident. But then again he had borderline personality disorder....that may have had something to do with it

 
Old 10-18-2006, 10:05 AM   #10
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

Quote:
georgie and bigfan
what exactly did you find when you snooped?
Well, most of the betrayal happened when we were both still fresh in the relationship. She was on the tail end of the relationship with her past boyfriend when we made things official. I got through that, but I wasn't positive in her determination to handle things like that in a more mature fashion in the future, so my occasional snooping started.

A little background on this present incident... she had a male friend at work that she had known for a few years, even before I came into the picture. Well recently (keep in mind that the guy's married), the guy came onto her and told her that he wanted to start something. My girlfriend told me about it and I told her to be more careful about knowing the true intentions of a supposed friend. She said that she ceased all contact with him after that. Well, in reality the guy came back to her and apologized about the situation, and they remained friends. Whenever I asked her if she chatted with him lately, she'd just say all they did was speak to each other at work. Well, the way I found out was by snooping through her cell phone and seeing someone's number on caller ID at least 3 or 4 times everyday. She had put the guy's last name in the phone so I wouldn't know who it was. When I confronted her about who she was talking to so much, she came out with the truth. She said that she handled things like that because she thought that I'd jump to conclusions about them talking again in assuming that it was more than it really was.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 10:35 AM   #11
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

It is never okay to snoop. There is no point in dating someone if you have to check up on her. You can't blame her by saying she opened the door to anything. You are a grown man with control over your own actions, and this is just wrong, in and of itself. You'd be better off starting over with someone else if you are unable to move on from the original breach of trust.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 11:00 AM   #12
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

Quote:
Originally Posted by kingam
if you feel the need to snoop because of past events, then that is your clue to get out. nothing about his email or cell phone will make you feel better, you will just get more comfortable checking more often.

Bingo. Perfectly said. If you feel you have to snoop, there is no trust. With no trust, there is no relationship.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 12:26 PM   #13
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

i am an open book so snooping to me is like reading your teenage daughters diary because she has a new boyfriend..but i actually had a dream that sparked my curiosity about my boyfriend at the time...i had a dream that he had cheated on me and wrote about it in his journal....well i told him about the dream and he went off. told me if i was sooooo worried about it to read it...so, i did. found out he had intentionally kept me from my best friend so that i would act my age...(her and i laughed and gossiped like women do.), and how there was someone at his school(college-Denver autimotive and desil college)he wanted to cheat on me with. found out that he had been talking about getting back together with her and writin love letters to lots of other women and even a man....after i read it...after he told me to he decided to pull out the privacy card.....after of course he ransacked all of my things and found nothing incriminating.........lol.....2 years later i wised up and got on with my life, but since there was no trust in a 2 year relationship you can imagine how interesting that was..........if you cant trust someone dont stay in a relationship with them,,,its not fair to you or them and after awhile it starts to get a little old......

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:35 PM   #14
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

I say snoop if you feel like you have to. I do.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:36 PM   #15
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Re: Snooping Under Reasonable Doubt

Quote:
Originally Posted by JBravo556
I say snoop if you feel like you have to. I do.
and you admit to it? LOL

 
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