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Old 10-18-2006, 12:35 AM   #1
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nkfrisk HB User
Disloyalty?

An ex-coworker of mine is getting married and for some reason has invited everyone from our office team to the wedding, except me. I have no idea why I'm being snubbed. I've known her longer than most of the others and while we were never great friends, we worked on a good number of projects together and were always on decent terms. Needless to say, it's embarassing for me, because this wedding keeps coming up in conversation and then someone looks at me, realizes I'm not invited and tries to change the topic.

Meanwhile, I've been going out with a girl from work for several months. She has also brought up the wedding and I've told her I don't care to hear about it. Last night she was looking at the wedding web site and commenting on some photos. I got really fed up and told her I didn't appreciate her getting so excited about the wedding of someone who seems to dislike me for some reason. I told her I'd consider it a sign of disloyalty if she goes to this wedding and she said I was being ridiculous. Am I?

Last edited by nkfrisk; 10-18-2006 at 12:36 AM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 01:18 AM   #2
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Re: Disloyalty?

yes

stop being a baby & put your dummy back in.

just because someone does not like you enough for you to be in their personal life situations, doesnt mean you have to take it out on other people i.e. your gf and give them an ultimatium.

no wonder you wernt invited!

 
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Old 10-18-2006, 02:19 AM   #3
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Re: Disloyalty?

sambO, nkfrisk is asking for our advice so a little bit of respect wont go astray

I can see how you would think it would be disloyal for your girlfriend to go. I can definately see that. It actually depends though, are you serious with this gil or is it just new or what? Because if it is new and not serious yet, then perhaps let her go to the wedding.

Maybe you should just ignore the wedding and snub it yourself by not talking about it and change the subject when it is spoken about.

I find it rude that the person getting married invited everyone except you. That is just not on in my book.

Last edited by Ridgemont; 10-18-2006 at 02:20 AM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 02:20 AM   #4
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brazilman HB User
Re: Disloyalty?

Oh, I know what it feels like to you. I am not sure that there was a social blunder here, because all in all nobody is forced to invite anyone (you) to their wedding party. But there is something very strange in the story: why everybody else except you, if you have known her longer and were "on decent terms"? It is a mystery. In those cases, in a professional environment, I mean, it's a lot more usual to pin up a general invitation rather than giving out individual invitations. Do you happen to know the fiancé (the guy)? Maybe something coming from him, I don't know. Wasn't the fiancée (the girl about to get married) aware that by ruling you out she'd make you feel embarrassed? Didn't the fiancée know that you had been going out with one of the invited? Why invite her and not you? On second thoughts, yes, I am afraid it was a blunder. And do you know what? I am under the impression that this marriage won't go very far.

Now, I think your main concern is about your present girl-friend. Of course, you have to tolerate her decision to go to the wedding, although it is clearly embarrassing, too. You are not being ridiculous for your hurt feelings, but maybe for the ultimatum. I am not sure that she is being disloyal, but I am afraid she is being rather insensitive. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't go just for your sake, and you wouldn't even have to bother to say or ask anything.

JC

 
Old 10-18-2006, 02:25 AM   #5
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brook65 HB User
Re: Disloyalty?

Well maybe be because she knows you are a couple, it was just assumed that you would be going with her.

Also maybe the invite was given to her, as females sometimes give the invites out to the female in the relationship

Would that make sense.?

Last edited by brook65; 10-18-2006 at 02:29 AM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 04:59 AM   #6
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Re: Disloyalty?

It's just a wedding. It's not that big of a deal. I've had plenty of people at work get invited to weddings of co-workers but not me. I look at it this way, if I'm not invited, then I also don't have to spend my money on a gift for said person that will cost me way too much anyway. Wedding gifts are expensive!

My parents have a lot of friends whose kids have gotten married over the years. These kids are people I used to hang out with all the time while we were growing up, whenever my parents had plans with the parents. But yet, when they got married, only my parents were invited. I was upset at first but then I'm like - no, it doesn't matter! I don't want to have to spend my money on a gift for people whose only reason for inviting me is just so they can have more gifts.

Furthermore, weddings are expensive. And for the person who is paying for them, sometimes they really have to limit the number of people they invite. It could be that maybe your co-worker couldn't afford to invite a lot of extra people. That's probably the most likely scenario.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 10:43 AM   #7
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Re: Disloyalty?

I think you might be being a little oversensitive. Your girlfriend was invited, and has nothing to do with why you weren't invited. It's not really fair to ask her to miss out on something because you feel left out. Be happy for her. And don't be embarrassed that you weren't invited. If someone tries to change the subject when the wedding comes up, tell them that it's okay, that you're not sure why you weren't invited but that they should feel free to discuss it. It's only awkward and embarrassing if you let it be.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 03:28 PM   #8
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Re: Disloyalty?

you are being immature. if it bothers you that much, ask the person why you weren't invited, face to face. whatever answer you get, just take it. but considering it disloyal for the person you're going out with to attend a wedding just because you weren't invited is ridiculous. it's just a wedding. maybe the person didn't invite you cause they really don't like you. it's not the end of the world. not everybody is going to like you no matter what you do. maybe the person could only invite a certain number of people and drew names from a hat and your name didn't get picked. you never know. but you should definitely ask just to satisfy curiosity.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 04:53 PM   #9
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Re: Disloyalty?

Well, I beg to disagree with RiAnne. I don't think nkfrisk is being immature all the way. Actually, there is something very unusual about this wedding. Why should he be the only one to be ignored? They were not close friends, but they had a decent relationship, so he says. So, how can anyone account for the snub? Maybe they don't like him, but do they need to make it public? And how come only him and not anyone else? And didn't they know that they were also inviting his girl-friend? I don't believe in the names being drawn from a hat or something. What I find unusual is their giving out individual invitations to everybody, save our friend. In your office, you only give individual invitations to your closest friends, otherwise you make a general announcement. Are they on intimate terms with everyone, except nkfrisk? If they can afford to set up a site for the wedding party, why can't they afford to invite one more person? And I don't think he should ask anything. This could be rather embarrassing for the fiancé and humiliating for nkfrisk. If he is really curious to know the why, he might try to get the information through someone else. But I think he would be better to put this aside and move on.

As for his girl-friend, of course she has the right to come to the party, but in my opinion, if she really cared for our friend, she would think twice, decide not to go and send a card and flowers instead. I think that nsfrisk's mistake, if any, is to associate her going with disloyalty. It is not exactly a betrayal, but I think she is being rather too inelegant by leaving her bf alone and going to a party by herself or with others, a party to which he was not invited. What if he had been invited and not her? What would she expect of nkfrisk?

Ok, this is just a wedding. It is not really the end of the world. But as far as I can see, there were many blunders here.

JC

Last edited by brazilman; 10-18-2006 at 04:55 PM.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 05:58 PM   #10
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Re: Disloyalty?

You never know what is going on in people's minds, and for all we know, something could have been done that offended the bride-to-be. The mature thing for her to do would be discuss that with the original poster, but she didn't. And she has every right to invite whomever she pleases to her wedding. I think the point about taking it out on the girlfriend is right on the mark- the original poster really has no good reason to take it out on her just because he feels slighted.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 09:05 PM   #11
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Re: Disloyalty?

But why should someone feel obligated to invite you to her wedding just because she invited everyone else? I would like to think that's not how one chooses her guests. Is there even a slight chance that maybe you thought she was okay with you, but she really isn't?

Overall, I think it's unfair of you to expect your girlfriend to behave the way that you theoretically would. You don't know for a fact if this person is snubbing you. Maybe your girlfriend wouldn't even be bothered if the positions were reversed. So in her mind, she doesn't think it's a big deal. I tend to agree with her.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 10:01 PM   #12
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Re: Disloyalty?

Of course the bride has no obligation to invite me to her wedding. But the fact that she invited everyone but me (even the receptionist who started working just a couple months before she left) can only be interpreted as a sign that she has some kind of problem with me. Again, I have no great desire to attend this wedding, and she's entitled to dislike me as much as she wants for whatever reason.

I'd just like to think that my gf would show some loyalty towards me when I'm being snubbed by someone for no reason that I can think of. My gf wasn't even close to the bride anyway. She has two choices: a) spend her money on a gift, and spend a Sunday attending the wedding of this acquaintance who seemingly dislikes her bf, b) politely decline and spend the day with her bf instead. I'd like to be in a relationship with someone who would opt for B, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

Last edited by nkfrisk; 10-18-2006 at 10:04 PM.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:48 AM   #13
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Re: Disloyalty?

Quote:
Originally Posted by nkfrisk
I'd like to be in a relationship with someone who would opt for B, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
Then perhaps this says more about your relationship than you realise? Obviously she doesn't see it as a big deal if she goes, but you do. Why not politely tell her that if things were the other way around you wouldn't want to go without her, and you're a bit upset she doesn't feel the same.

Maybe she just doesn't realise that it bothers you that much. She'll either still decide to go, in which case maybe she isn't the right girl for you, or she won't go (hopefully not just to please you though, but partly because she understands how you feel), in which case you've got what you want.

Regarding your not being invited to the wedding, personally I'd want to know why I wasn't, just for my own satisfaction. Is there no-one close to the bride who could discreetly find out why you haven't been invited? I suppose it's kinda pointless though, since it won't change anything (unless there is a very small chance she simply forgot you!)

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:37 AM   #14
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Re: Disloyalty?

Well I tend to agree with Willapp. At the same time, I am afraid there is hardly anything else to do here. Unless nkfrisk is able to overcome his "bitter" feelings about his "uncaring" girlfriend, maybe this relationship is doomed? However, unless nkfrisk is really in love with this girl (which I don't think is case) I don't think that he should bring up the issue again, because that would be like telling her what to do. In my mind, she should have been perceptive enough to realize it by herself. Maybe nkfrisk is wrong with his feelings (I really don't think so, though, possibly because I am as sensitive as he is), but that his girlfriend overlooked them shows to me that nkfrisk and this girl are probably not on the same wavelength.

As I said before, nkfrisk has the right to know why he was left out or "forgotten". But he shouldn't inquire about this directly. He should do it through someone else. However, it would be much better for him to wait, if he can be patient and let go of his "obsession" to know the truth: after some time, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, he will probably learn what happened, and surely he will receive the answer with a smile on his face.

JC

 
Old 10-19-2006, 04:51 AM   #15
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Re: Disloyalty?

Actutally, if I was in your shoes, I would also prefer and expect option B. But that is just me.

I can only say to you that your girlfreind is probably not as sensitive of a person as yourself, and maybe this is highlighting to you that she doesn't see things the same as you.

If this was to happen to my boyfreind, I would have empathy for his feelings, and not want to go for that reason.

The point of this post I think, is the fact that his girlfriend wants to go, which is like another kick in the teeth.

 
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