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Old 10-18-2006, 03:30 PM   #1
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I need a way out

I am in need of some help here. I am currently separated. I lived thru almost 16 years of mental and emotional abuse. It wasnt just towards me, it was towards my kids too. I am a person who hates confrontation. He belittled me so much that he has convinced me that I am nothing. That I deserve nothing, that I mean nothing, that I am worth nothing. I have no self confidence and extremely low self esteem. I cannot walk into a restaurant first because everyone turns and looks and I dont like people looking at me. I tried taking Tae Kwon do, but dropped out because I couldn't bear the idea of people watching me test for my belts. Anyways, I finally got the courage to ask him to move out. The hardest thing i have ever done. I dont want to hurt peoples feelings, I know how it feels and I dont want to do that to others. I have no money, I'm barely scraping by. I cannot afford a lawyer. So we came to our own agreements. He makes my car payment until it is paid off(in like 8 months) (and he thinks that the money from that after it is paid for should not go to me) and he gives me 200 a week for 4 kids. I want him out of our lives. But I dont want to hurt him. I know, I know...look at what he's done to me. But that doesnt make me want to do it back. I am getting SO screwed out of this that it aint even funny. He wants to work things out, I told him I didnt. We are remaining friends(which is causing all the problems) But, once again, I am trying to be nice. I dont qualify for legal aid because he isnt an alcoholic and he doesnt beat me.(mental abuse doesnt count) I cannot borrow the money because my family doesnt support this decision, and he ruined my credit by buying stuff in my name and not paying it, repo's, etc... What can I do, that is not that obvious as to what I am doing, to make him not want anything to do with me any more. That way, it'll be over and I wont be worried about hurting him. I need a way out. I am begging you guys to please offer me something, anything. At this point I am desperate. He doesnt get visitation b/c he works 3rd shift 7 days a week. So he comes here on the weekends to see them.(which stops my life) I just want to move on.

 
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Old 10-18-2006, 03:46 PM   #2
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RiAnne HB User
Re: I need a way out

you have to stand up for yourself. there is a difference between being nice and being obtuse. you must do what is best for your kids. you can't make it where he won't want to have anything to do with you because of the children. you only THINK that you are remaining friends but you actually are not. a friend is somebody that is attached to another by feelings of personal regard. this is not happening so you are not friends. you are going to have to search around on the net to find ways to collect child support with no money. we can't post websites on here so you'll have to do searches to find those.

 
Old 10-18-2006, 06:28 PM   #3
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Re: I need a way out

thank you for the reply, dont get me wrong, but I am needing a way to tick him off so that it will be HIS decision to move on with his life. Then we can battle it out in court cause I could try to get whatever lawyer I get to make him pay his fees. But I can't end this. I am too soft hearted. I will worry about whether or not I hurt his feelings. But if HE would get mad and end it, then it would all work out.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 04:57 AM   #4
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Re: I need a way out

so, you want to make him mad but not hurt his feelings at the same time. hopefully somebody else will read this thread also cause that doesn't make sense to me. maybe somebody else will have an idea of what you can do.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 06:44 AM   #5
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Re: I need a way out

Quote:
Originally Posted by lilmsmagic
thank you for the reply, dont get me wrong, but I am needing a way to tick him off so that it will be HIS decision to move on with his life. Then we can battle it out in court cause I could try to get whatever lawyer I get to make him pay his fees. But I can't end this. I am too soft hearted. I will worry about whether or not I hurt his feelings. But if HE would get mad and end it, then it would all work out.
I've felt that way before, and I thought about it and I hardly ever broke up with anyone.....they always broke up with me. I never wanted to hurt anyones feelings.....yeah a softie.....but this last relationship pushed me past my limit and I ended it (although he thinks he did). I just decided I wasn't going to take his craap any more, and you know what? It actually felt wonderful to be able to grow a sack and make the decision this time!
Try it, you might find it very empowering!

 
Old 10-19-2006, 10:44 AM   #6
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Re: I need a way out

I dont know what state you are in but there are programs that can help you file for this stuff at low or no cost. Contact the district attorny's office. They will lead you to programs that can help.

Just because you dont have money doesnt mean you dont have rights. Call the DA!
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Old 10-20-2006, 02:46 AM   #7
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Re: I need a way out

You would think that after all he has put me thru that I would have been pushed past my limits years ago. The fact is, I feel sorry for him. He had a hard child hood and was never really taught right from wrong, although you would think that alot of that would be common sense. I worry that he may not find him some one else. I have looked for him. Trying to find some one who would go out with him to no avail. I live in a small town so the women here a slim pickin's. Everyone tells me to just wait, it'll happen, he will do something to push me to that point. But I am telling you, it wont happen. I am way too tender hearted. The kids dont even like him coming around because of his temper problem. And the fact that he doesnt understand them. They love him, they just dont love his attitude. The only thing I can think of to make him get mad is to make him think that I have a date with someone. That may make him see that it reallly is over. Plus he is extremely jealous. So the thought of some one else being near me or paying me some attention may set him off as well.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 09:01 AM   #8
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Re: I need a way out

You have to be a good example to your childeren. If your daughter was in your posission what would you tell her to do? You would tell her to be strong .. you would tell her that you CAN do it ... you can make your life better ..... right?

Staying and hoping he does the right thing? I dont know if thats such a good plan. YOU have to take controle of YOUR life ... make your choices and stand by them ... it has nothing to do with being tender hearted .. I think it has more to do with being affraid .. and I get that .. serriously ... its normal to be affraid ... but I go back to my original point .. what would you tell your kid to do .. if your kid was in your shoes?
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Old 10-20-2006, 02:11 PM   #9
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Re: I need a way out

What kind of family court system do you have in SC? I would take some time and look into it. Where I live I was able to file for divorce and get the fee waived because of the low income I had at the time. I got help with all my child support issues from the "lawyer of the day" (a lawyer that volunteered services once a week to those who couldn't afford it).
If you look on the internet you may be able to find a lawyer who is willing to help you out for a lower rate. The court system may be able to help you locate one as well.
You don't need to settle for what he is giving you. He obviously wants to control your divorce the same way he controlled your marriage. There is help out there, you just need to know where to look.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 03:18 PM   #10
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Re: I need a way out

Good for you for taking charge of your life and stopping the abuse ( even if it's just emotional. it's still abuse)! Now is the time to STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, and start thinking for yourself. It's okay to let him go. Let him deal with his own problems, you've got your own problems to handle . Remember, you don't have to have a reason for divorcing him, not wanting to be married to him anymore is enough.

Go to your local courthouse and get information on free legal counsel. Almost anyone qualifies for this service.There should be a waiting list to get on. They will help you fill out all the forms and set a court date. Your filing fees should be greatly reduced or waived completely. The judge decides how much child support you should receive, not your husband. Don't let him bully you into anything or try to make you feel guilty for asking for what you deserve. He may work hard, but you do too, AND you are taking on ALL the responsiblity of the children.

Lastly, are you employed? If not, file for financial assistance until you can get on your feet again. That's what the system is for. There are programs to help you a get free education, learn how to apply for jobs, all kinds of things. The system is there for you, utilize it.
Good luck, and hang in there.

 
Old 10-21-2006, 05:31 AM   #11
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Re: I need a way out

A while back, I wrote the governor about my situation and asked him for help. He told me to call legal aid. I did, but because he is not a habitual drunk and because he does not physically abuse me, I do not qualify. I do have a job now. And i was on food stamps. But because the house is in his name and the car is in his name (even though I make the payments) it looks to them like I have all this extra money and they took them away. He does carry insurance on them, but I have to make the copay's. The whole reason that I pursued getting this divorce is for my kids. I didnt want them thinking it was ok to be treated this way. I didnt want them to grow up and get married and think that they were supposed to put up with this type behavior. And I didn't want my son to think thats how you treat a woman. If it wasnt for that, I woulda stayed and lived an even more miserable life. Just b/c I feel sorry for him. I just dont understand myself. As to why I dont get mad enough to do anything. As to why I worry more about his feelings than my own. Why cant I just be a b**ch like everybody else and get it done. It really bothers me. I have left him 2 times before. I always said that the 3rd time was it. This is the 3rd time. I have to stand my ground or he will never take me seriously again. He calls constantly, comes over constantly. He really regrets the decisions he has made over the years. He wants another chance. He tells me things every woman wants to hear, NOW. Why now though. He new the 3rd time was it. I dont trust the things he says. He always changes right back to the old ways within a week or two. I just dont know what it will take for me to just put my foot down and say its over. It upsets me greatly.

 
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