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Old 10-19-2006, 11:55 AM   #1
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How should I handle this?

I have a delimma....my fiance who had stopped smoking and drinking when we got engaged has recently begun smoking and drinking again. I have told him that I am not okay with this and his response is that he started doing these things again because every now and then he just feels like it and he will quit again at some point. I am beyond angry and ready to end things....just not sure if that is the right thing to do. He apparently quit before becuase of me, not becuase he really wanted to Any advice is welcome.

Last edited by cherry1974; 10-19-2006 at 11:56 AM.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:10 PM   #2
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Re: How should I handle this?

He has to quit for himself or he will never really quit for good. Does he drink and smoke excessively or are you against it period? If it's a deal breaker for you I would seriously rethink marrying him.
And if he doesn't truly quit for himself, he will just do it behind your back.

Last edited by susieq0726; 10-19-2006 at 12:10 PM.

 
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Old 10-19-2006, 12:25 PM   #3
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Re: How should I handle this?

I agree, if this is something you can't deal with, then you really should move on. He isn't going to quit for good because he is told to, he has to want to do it.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:35 PM   #4
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Re: How should I handle this?

He drinks excessively...one beer becomes 40 in no time at all. He has admitted that he is an alcoholic and started going to AA meetings and was sober for one month. He recently started back at a labor entensive job and with that started drinking again. His employer only hired him back becuase he claimed he was sober and had been for two months. He is verbally abusive to me and my daughter when he drinks and he passes out. As far as the smoking goes...I am allergic to the nicotine and when he smokes we cannont be intimate....which is maybe not a problem because it makes him smell so bad.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:43 PM   #5
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Re: How should I handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherry1974
He drinks excessively...one beer becomes 40 in no time at all. He has admitted that he is an alcoholic and started going to AA meetings and was sober for one month. He recently started back at a labor entensive job and with that started drinking again. His employer only hired him back becuase he claimed he was sober and had been for two months. He is verbally abusive to me and my daughter when he drinks and he passes out. As far as the smoking goes...I am allergic to the nicotine and when he smokes we cannont be intimate....which is maybe not a problem because it makes him smell so bad.
well now that you've put it that way, I think you've got your answer.......don't you? Do I really need to elaborate? This one is kinda a no-brainer, wouldn't you say?

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:53 PM   #6
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Re: How should I handle this?

He sounds a lot like my ex. You need to leave, he isn't going to change for YOU. He has to want to change for himself, and he is showing you he DOESN'T want to. You don't need to be treated that way and neither does your daughter...

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:54 PM   #7
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Re: How should I handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
well now that you've put it that way, I think you've got your answer.......don't you? Do I really need to elaborate? This one is kinda a no-brainer, wouldn't you say?
I agree with rosequartz. Besides, you [cherry1974] seem to speak about your fiancé without a single pinch of romance. There is no positive word about him, such as, he drinks, but he is a nice guy and I love the way he does this or that, etc... If you loved him, you might give him another chance, but I can't find love in your words. Am I wrong?

JC

 
Old 10-19-2006, 12:54 PM   #8
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Re: How should I handle this?

He sounds a lot like my ex. You need to leave, he isn't going to change for YOU. He has to want to change for himself, and he is showing you he DOESN'T want to. You don't need to be treated that way and neither does your daughter...

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:20 PM   #9
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Re: How should I handle this?

it truly breaks my heart when people allow someone who is abusive to their children around their children. this is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE for you to let a man around who abuses, in any way, your daughter. it does not matter if he only does it when he drinks. your daughter will probably feel the effects of this when she gets older. i won't even get into him abusing you. cause that's unacceptable too but your daughter can't do anything about it. i'm assuming your daughter is a minor. if she is then you need to not let him around your daughter. please don't ever let anyone else abuse your child. i am 25 and i still get mad when i think about people who verbally abused me when i was 5.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 04:16 PM   #10
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Re: How should I handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RiAnne
... i am 25 and i still get mad when i think about people who verbally abused me when i was 5.
Gosh, this is sad. Do you mean you are dwelling on this? Well, I hope you can try to get over this in the coming future. I hardly remember what people told me when I was five. If these people were the same age as you, then you shouldn't really worry: small children can say a lot of nonsense to one another. If they were grown-ups, it could be more serious. But then it is not worth your while to keep going back into the past, if ever you do that.

Cheers,

JC

Last edited by brazilman; 10-19-2006 at 04:17 PM.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 04:17 AM   #11
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Re: How should I handle this?

i'm not dwelling on this. when i read this thread it reminded me of situations i was in when i was 5. unless you have been in an abusive, whether physical or verval, you can't understand what i'm talking about. and yes they were grownups. the woman was in her 40s or 50s and i was 5. i don't understand why i didn't tell my mom what was going on. in the situation in this thread, at least the mother actually knows what's going on and can do something about it.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 04:58 AM   #12
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Re: How should I handle this?

Get out for your daughter's sake. Please. It will damage her. When kids are abused wheter it is sexually, mental, verbal, physical, no matter what kind of abuse, they never forget it. It affects them as adults. An adult may think he/she is just a young child, they will never remember how mean someone was to them. That's simply not true. Not true at all, I remember things that happened to me when I was as young as 2 years old. I remember things so vividly from my childhood, I can tell you what color the walls were, what room I was in and the whatnots sitting around. I remember almost every little detail about my abuse. It over ruled my good memories, now when I think of my childhood, I can't think of much good in it. Please get out for your daughter. You may suffer a heartbreak, but you will eventually get over it. If you continue to let her be abused, she will not get over it and she may resent you for allowing it to happen and keeping her in the situation. She has no voice in the matter, so you have to be her voice and get her out of there. That's all I have to say, you do what you want and you know in your heart whats best. He wont change for anyone but himself and he has to WANT to change. Thanks, Kendra

 
Old 10-20-2006, 06:08 AM   #13
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Re: How should I handle this?

Hi Kendra, hi RiAnne:

You both are possibly right - it is possible for anyone to remember what happened to them when they were very young. But there are two problems here:

1. It is a lot easier to remember the bad experiences and forget about the good ones.

2. And it so happens that often you can't remember it all very clearly and then you are prone to give the facts a twisted interpretation.

I am not saying, however, that small children never suffer and that you can use an eraser for your bad and abusive experiences. What I am saying is that memories can get blurred and it is easier for anyone to slip into the role of a victim. I take your word that your personal cases are different and real, but I am aware that misinterpretations happen with other people.

JC

 
Old 10-20-2006, 08:13 AM   #14
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Re: How should I handle this?

if she is any older then 2 she most likely will remember what is happening when she's an adult. depending on how bad it is will depend on whether she dwells on it or resents her mother for it. this is a big problem with people these days. they resent people who sat back and allowed those things to happen when they could have prevented it. it would be different if nothing could be done about it but this woman knows and admits what is going on. she admits that he is abusive to her daughter. parents have to stop doing this. letting people abuse their children. it's just unacceptable, if you can stop it. and she CAN stop it in this situation.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 09:16 AM   #15
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Re: How should I handle this?

I agree with Rianne. She knows it is happening and she can put a stop to it before it is too late.

 
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