Just wanted to get some ideas here .....Recently, I met someone. Let's say I've known him for about 3 months now, we talk alot, I know alot about him. He's very sweet, funny, attractive, love his personality ...and he has the most gorgeous eyes / smile I have ever seen !!
He seems very sensitive and caring ........and whenever I talk to him or see him, it always brings a smile to my face.
Sounds great, huh?
It's not .....I know his family also, and it's just a mess !! His mother parties (alcohol and drugs) all the time and so does his brother and sister. Strangely, the 3 (mother, brother and sister) of them party together. He does not drink.
He had a horrible up-bringing and has told me that he basically had to be grown up by the time he was 12, as his mother was in no position to be raising children. He's very close with his family but is embarrased by their behavior.
He doesn't have that great of a job ....doesn't really have much at all and it's sad really, it's like he never really had a chance in life and due to the way he was brought / up raised, doesn't really have any direction. I mean, he knows "where he is in life" as he discusses it and doesn't seem happy about it, but seems to have no clue what to about it.
He didn't graduate high school but did get his GED before going in to the service for 5 years.
I know someone like this is NOT relationship material. At my age, I'm looking for long term, stability ........basically a "normal" relationship. Which I know would not happen with him. Not that he isn't relationship material, but we do have two different out looks on life.
So .......how do you tell you head no, when your heart is telling you yes?
i have always been told not to judge a person by their family members. especially if they don't condone what they do or take part in any of the activities. but i do see where you're coming from when you say that he seems to have no clue about what to do about his life. it's hard to deal with someone that doesn't have set goals and it sounds like he doesn't. if he does have goals, then maybe you can work with him. but if he's just not trying to do anything to advance in life then maybe you and him could deal with just being friends. it maybe be hard but you might be able to do it.
Bravo - did you even read my post? This is not just about his family ....please read again and post if you have something constructive to say.
Along with not having his "stuff" together, I think he's okay with it. As in he's lived this way his entire life and actually how he is now is probably way better then he ever had growing up.
Example, he does go to work every day, and seems to be a hard worker, but he doesn't make that much money, therefore, doesn't have any. He lives is a house with 2 other guys and their electricity got turned off last week (yes, last week) because they hadn't paid the bill. This is a week later and the electricity is just now being turned back on. He didn't stay there without electricity, but he went and stayed at his sisters.
But that's not the point......I don't know anyone who has racked up a $800 electric bill, didn't pay and then just stayed elsewhere for a week trying to get the money together.
I'm not even really judging him. I feel bad for him, I think it's horrible that his life has turned out like this .....really, he's very sweet and caring and is the type of guy that would do whatever he could for anyone.
Literally, I get all giddy and smiley whenever I see him .............but deep down I know we could never date.
I understand the pressure (heck even the desire) to have a man with a good carrer ... but I have to look at it this way ... not all relationships are the typical man bread winner type.
I have been in your situation, actuall I still am! I date a man that makes considerablly less than I do .. he works retail .. hard worker ... but ... not carrer driven .... he lives in a one room apartment ... walks to work to save money on the car ... I mean .. he doesnt have money ... and probably never will ... but he DOES treat me well ... always does nice things for me ... makes me dinner ... sends me little notes .. all the stuff that matters.
I broke up with him (a few times) because I was hung up on his money situation ... then .. dated a few guys with 'real jobs' and .... wasnt happy ... It was hard to realize that I was putting off .. lets call him .. Bob because he didnt have money ...
I am happier now, I accept that he is happy in what he does and I am happy in what I do ... so we can be happy together ...
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Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of children - The Crow
Well, this guy doesn't sound totally hopeless. If he doesn't drink or use drugs and at least has a job, that's a start. But I know how you feel, because I could never be with a guy who I did not fully respect. Is he really lazy? Unmotivated? Dead broke?
The funny thing is, I know guys who come from a lot of money and respectable families and they've turned out to be some of the most screwed up people I've ever known. I think you should look more at this guy's character rather than what he has materially right this second. Is he a good person? Hard-working? If he at least realizes that he wants to have a better life, that's a start.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
I think my issues go past just the money issue ....something deeper than being career driven, but at least "life" driven. Maybe I'm not making sense? ha ha ....wouldn't be the first time.
Just when I hear him talking about his electricity turned off ....hopefully they'll have the money in a week ...blah blah....I just think ...people don't really live like this. Do they?
Day to Day ...paycheck to paycheck? No money to go anywhere, do anything?
Did I mention we've gone out a couple of times, not "dates" per say but just hanging out and I always have to pay. I think that's strange also.
well I think you can date him, just don't invite him to move in with you and start sponging off of you. As far as the electric bill....there were 3 people involved, he didn't rack it up himself, and he probably wasn't responsible for paying it off himself. In that situation, he was kinda at the mercy of others, but I do see what you mean.....it's a red flag.
He makes you happy....go ahead and date him, just don't get into the mode of trying to take care of him and rescue him. let him be responsible for his own bills, his own actions, his own mistakes. Let him be an adult. But I do agree wholeheartedly with you about his upbringing having a detremental effect on his life. You should always look at the parents and how someone was raised.....it's an eye opener in a lot of cases.
I hope I'm not dominating the thread!! But ... even though I make more money than Bob, I am still pretty paycheck to paycheck! hahah ... some people are better at budgeting than others ... Bob is actually very good at it .. I on the other hand ... only know how much money I have when I go online and check my ballance!
If he is living with other people it is very likely that it isnt only HIS budgeting that is a problem ... he very well could have had the normal amount due for his bill but if someone else ran it up .. nothing he can do about it because it was outside his budgeted ammount ... does that make sence.
Sometimes when Bob and I go out I have to pay ... if I pick someplace I know is going to be spendy ... I know I am paying .. otherwise I try and plan events that I know are low or no cost ... Park, Dinner at home, renting movies, dinner at a diner ....
I dont think you should ALWAYS have to pay .. and that is worth a converstaion ... and mind you I am not trying to make you be with someone you dont want to be with ... I would just hate for you to do what I did .. leave .. and then be unhappy because your next date may pay for dinner but not make you smile.
Sometimes the grass just isnt greener ...
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Mother is the word for God on the lips and hearts of children - The Crow
i agree with GypsyArcher when she said "I know guys who come from a lot of money and respectable families and they've turned out to be some of the most screwed up people I've ever known." i've also known guys who were exact that. the electric bill things is crazy. do you really know what went on with that? my boyfriend has a roommate and his roommate is so retarded that he doesn't know how to turn anything off. therefore the electric gets really high. my boyfriend pays his part to the roommate but the roommate is often too cheap to pay the other half and just lets the crap cut off. it's hard to deal with roommates sometimes.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the woman paying sometimes, but if it starts to become a habit and you start feeling like a sugar-mama, then you know it's gone too far. I had a boyfriend like that living with me, and he was always broke because he paid child support on 4 kids and I tried to help him out, but it got to the point where I felt like his sugar mama or even his regular mama when he wouldn't pull out his wallet.
I think after reading your last post that it is kind of clear that this guy simply can't afford to have a girlfriend right now. If he can't take you out and treat you to anything, well...
I have no problem with a cute, dead-broke guy as long as he is only a friend-with-benefits. But I agree that when it comes to a boyfriend, they definetly have to be able to take you out. So if you want something serious, this is probably not the guy, as you already seem to know.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
i dont know if you live in the United States or not but in the U.S. there are millions living check to check. you'd be surprised. it's sad. but the way the government and economy and etc etc are, it's extremely hard to get out of. the classes for my college are 498 dollars each. if i wasn't in the military, i'd be stuck paying for that myself. the book for each class is at least 100. most of them are hard to find used. plus the time and cost to get to school. it's expensive just to attempt to make more money by going to school. there are a lot of reasons why people live check to check. there are millions who live past check to check where they are deep in debt and don't have money to even live check to check. so yes people do live that way. and not just a few, millions.
I think after reading your last post that it is kind of clear that this guy simply can't afford to have a girlfriend right now. If he can't take you out and treat you to anything, well...
I have no problem with a cute, dead-broke guy as long as he is only a friend-with-benefits. But I agree that when it comes to a boyfriend, they definetly have to be able to take you out. So if you want something serious, this is probably not the guy, as you already seem to know.
I think that's a wonderful idea! How bout you make him a friend with bennies?
I honestly think you are being a bit of a snob to not even casually DATE him, but I guess people have different priorities, and opinions. To me, casual dating is not a committment or anything--it's simply seeing each to get to know one another better--period. One person's priority may be to date a person who is completely financially stable and is living comfortably, while another person's priority may be to date a person who is all around "a good guy", regardless of their financial status. Most people look for a bit of both, and add motivation into the mix to decide whether or not they are dateworthy. Really, it's all about personal preference. To me, it sounds like you have decided that he is not motivated enough for you, particularly for a long-term relationship, and that is fine, because again, it does boil down to your individual wants and needs.
Personally, I think the guy himself would feel really bad if he knew that part of the reason that you didn't want to date him was because he has had his electricity shut off, particularly since he does have a job and doesn't waste his money on drugs or alcohol. I think he would also feel bad that his family members played a role in your view of him, too, especially since he is already embarassed of their behavior and does not partake in it. Also, you did mention that he was in the service. Is he still? I would think that being in the service takes quite a bit of motivation because there is lots of hard training and discipline involved.
As others have said, there are MILLIONS of people that live paycheck to paycheck, with my family being a part of this number. We have had our electricity and phone shut off for periods of time despite the fact that we are all hard-working and moral individuals. There are a number of reasons why people can't make ends meet in this country, but I'm not even going to get into that discussion. Just know that many families work just enough to have enough food to eat, and it does always mean that they are trashy or poor-quality individuals. I know that you did not say those words, but I am just stating my opinion.
On the other hand, I know so many couples who came from such meager beginnings, working their way through college or working to get dinner on the table that night. The fact that this guy did not offer to help pay in itself really isn't good, and I understand where you are coming from on that. Could it be, though, that the reason he didn't pay or help to pay is because it wasn't an official date, and he thought that it was just a friends hanging out kind of thing?
I believe your original post was intended to get some insight on how to walk away from something that you instinctively feel isn't right for you.
All value judgements aside -
You kind of have to use the old "just say no" campaign against drugs. (no hanging out together) Zero tolerance. (no calls, no getting together). Going cold turkey until it's out of your system.
There is no "cure" for the way you feel about someone. You have to grasp every last ounce of strength inside you and walk away if your gut instinct is telling you to walk away.
I wish to God I had listened to my gut instinct more when I was younger - I could have saved myself from gaining more wisdom the hard way than you can even imagine...
Ruth
Gettingwell - I don't think I'm being snotty at all. I'm sorry you see it that way .....and yes, I know hundreds of americans are living paycheck to paycheck. For me, personally, however, at 35 have already "been there, done that" and don't want to again !! I, myself, currently have two jobs, my first job is a really good one, but I have incurred some extra bills and am working a second job to get them paid off. I've been doing this for 3 months and honestly, think if I can do it ...........others can too. That's just my opinion.
When looking for a potential partner, I would prefer to have someone with the same "values / morals" that I have.
In the past, I tend to get those people that need "fixing". I am a "helper" and end up in situations that I KNEW from the start was not the ideal situation. But they were nice, sweet, caring and had the wonderful personality I adore. However, when real life comes in to play, at the end of each day ........I DID begin to feel used, I WAS paying for everything .......that's WHO I am ........that's what I do .......and don't wish to do it again.
Yes, I'm sure it would hurt his feelings to know how I feel about his living values and about his upbringing / family, that's why I'm posting here for advice and not mentioning it to him.
I don't think you are mean, and I understand the fact that you are a "fixer"--I am the same way. I had no idea that you are 35 and are already well-established in your life and working situation; I honestly thought that you and the guy you were speaking of were younger (like early 20's). I hope that's not insulting. The only reason I thought that was because you mentioned that the guy lives in an apartment with roomates and has had the electricity shut off. Although a person of any age can have roomates and have the electricity shut off, I automatically associated this guy with the 20-something age group, since more often young adults live in this type of arrangement. The fact that this guy is in his 30's (I'm assuming) changes my entire view. My view is that people in their early 20's maybe deserve that extra chance because often people of that age are still in the process of trying to establish a more stable living environment and career. BUT, I can see what you are saying if you've been there, done that with this type of situation with guys that need "fixing". Also, know that I know he's probably a little bit older, you would think that he would be a tad bit more motivated to have his own place, move up in his job/seek better employment....
Thanks for the great advice everyone ......as an update, my instincts were dead on with this one !!
I tried "distancing" myself slightly and things are not pretty. Meaning, he's become whiny and child-like. Immature for his age, was completely an under-statement !!
I work 7 days a week and don't have a lot of free time. He wanted to get together on Sat as this was supposed to be a day off for me (finally) however, it wasn't meant to be, I ended up working Sat night and had Sun off. He called me around 8 times while I was at work Sat night, to which I did not answer the phone, Hello, I'm at work !! I didn't get off unti 3:00 am, so I didn't call him back.
Yesterday was my day off, I went out on a boat with some friends of mine and he called, I did answer my phone, he asked where I was and I told him ....and Good Lord !! You'd have thought he was 12 years old.
"I'm bored", "I thought we were going to do something" ....Uh ....you never mentioned us doing anything, so why would you have thought that ....."Well, I'm just so bored" ......Okay, and I"m responsible for this, how?
uugghhhhhh.........anyway, just wanted to update you and say that when your insticts are telling you something ........it's probably right!!
and I tried to help him out, but it got to the point where I felt like his sugar mama or even his regular mama when he wouldn't pull out his wallet.
