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Old 10-19-2006, 01:08 PM   #1
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when you know he isn't right for you

Just wanted to get some ideas here .....Recently, I met someone. Let's say I've known him for about 3 months now, we talk alot, I know alot about him. He's very sweet, funny, attractive, love his personality ...and he has the most gorgeous eyes / smile I have ever seen !!

He seems very sensitive and caring ........and whenever I talk to him or see him, it always brings a smile to my face.

Sounds great, huh?

It's not .....I know his family also, and it's just a mess !! His mother parties (alcohol and drugs) all the time and so does his brother and sister. Strangely, the 3 (mother, brother and sister) of them party together. He does not drink.

He had a horrible up-bringing and has told me that he basically had to be grown up by the time he was 12, as his mother was in no position to be raising children. He's very close with his family but is embarrased by their behavior.

He doesn't have that great of a job ....doesn't really have much at all and it's sad really, it's like he never really had a chance in life and due to the way he was brought / up raised, doesn't really have any direction. I mean, he knows "where he is in life" as he discusses it and doesn't seem happy about it, but seems to have no clue what to about it.

He didn't graduate high school but did get his GED before going in to the service for 5 years.

I know someone like this is NOT relationship material. At my age, I'm looking for long term, stability ........basically a "normal" relationship. Which I know would not happen with him. Not that he isn't relationship material, but we do have two different out looks on life.

So .......how do you tell you head no, when your heart is telling you yes?

Last edited by thesedays; 10-19-2006 at 01:10 PM.

 
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:37 PM   #2
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

Just because his family is messed up doesn't mean that he is? I don't see the problem.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:40 PM   #3
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

i have always been told not to judge a person by their family members. especially if they don't condone what they do or take part in any of the activities. but i do see where you're coming from when you say that he seems to have no clue about what to do about his life. it's hard to deal with someone that doesn't have set goals and it sounds like he doesn't. if he does have goals, then maybe you can work with him. but if he's just not trying to do anything to advance in life then maybe you and him could deal with just being friends. it maybe be hard but you might be able to do it.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:45 PM   #4
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

If he treats you well, has a job, and makes you smile .. I think you already have a 'normal' relationship.

I wouldnt throw in the towel, you might regret it.
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:47 PM   #5
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

Bravo - did you even read my post? This is not just about his family ....please read again and post if you have something constructive to say.

Along with not having his "stuff" together, I think he's okay with it. As in he's lived this way his entire life and actually how he is now is probably way better then he ever had growing up.

Example, he does go to work every day, and seems to be a hard worker, but he doesn't make that much money, therefore, doesn't have any. He lives is a house with 2 other guys and their electricity got turned off last week (yes, last week) because they hadn't paid the bill. This is a week later and the electricity is just now being turned back on. He didn't stay there without electricity, but he went and stayed at his sisters.

But that's not the point......I don't know anyone who has racked up a $800 electric bill, didn't pay and then just stayed elsewhere for a week trying to get the money together.

I'm not even really judging him. I feel bad for him, I think it's horrible that his life has turned out like this .....really, he's very sweet and caring and is the type of guy that would do whatever he could for anyone.

Literally, I get all giddy and smiley whenever I see him .............but deep down I know we could never date.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 01:52 PM   #6
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

I understand the pressure (heck even the desire) to have a man with a good carrer ... but I have to look at it this way ... not all relationships are the typical man bread winner type.

I have been in your situation, actuall I still am! I date a man that makes considerablly less than I do .. he works retail .. hard worker ... but ... not carrer driven .... he lives in a one room apartment ... walks to work to save money on the car ... I mean .. he doesnt have money ... and probably never will ... but he DOES treat me well ... always does nice things for me ... makes me dinner ... sends me little notes .. all the stuff that matters.

I broke up with him (a few times) because I was hung up on his money situation ... then .. dated a few guys with 'real jobs' and .... wasnt happy ... It was hard to realize that I was putting off .. lets call him .. Bob because he didnt have money ...

I am happier now, I accept that he is happy in what he does and I am happy in what I do ... so we can be happy together ...
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:55 PM   #7
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

Well, this guy doesn't sound totally hopeless. If he doesn't drink or use drugs and at least has a job, that's a start. But I know how you feel, because I could never be with a guy who I did not fully respect. Is he really lazy? Unmotivated? Dead broke?

The funny thing is, I know guys who come from a lot of money and respectable families and they've turned out to be some of the most screwed up people I've ever known. I think you should look more at this guy's character rather than what he has materially right this second. Is he a good person? Hard-working? If he at least realizes that he wants to have a better life, that's a start.
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Old 10-19-2006, 01:57 PM   #8
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

that's nice dew .....really it is.

I think my issues go past just the money issue ....something deeper than being career driven, but at least "life" driven. Maybe I'm not making sense? ha ha ....wouldn't be the first time.

Just when I hear him talking about his electricity turned off ....hopefully they'll have the money in a week ...blah blah....I just think ...people don't really live like this. Do they?

Day to Day ...paycheck to paycheck? No money to go anywhere, do anything?

Did I mention we've gone out a couple of times, not "dates" per say but just hanging out and I always have to pay. I think that's strange also.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:00 PM   #9
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

well I think you can date him, just don't invite him to move in with you and start sponging off of you. As far as the electric bill....there were 3 people involved, he didn't rack it up himself, and he probably wasn't responsible for paying it off himself. In that situation, he was kinda at the mercy of others, but I do see what you mean.....it's a red flag.
He makes you happy....go ahead and date him, just don't get into the mode of trying to take care of him and rescue him. let him be responsible for his own bills, his own actions, his own mistakes. Let him be an adult. But I do agree wholeheartedly with you about his upbringing having a detremental effect on his life. You should always look at the parents and how someone was raised.....it's an eye opener in a lot of cases.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:03 PM   #10
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

I hope I'm not dominating the thread!! But ... even though I make more money than Bob, I am still pretty paycheck to paycheck! hahah ... some people are better at budgeting than others ... Bob is actually very good at it .. I on the other hand ... only know how much money I have when I go online and check my ballance!

If he is living with other people it is very likely that it isnt only HIS budgeting that is a problem ... he very well could have had the normal amount due for his bill but if someone else ran it up .. nothing he can do about it because it was outside his budgeted ammount ... does that make sence.

Sometimes when Bob and I go out I have to pay ... if I pick someplace I know is going to be spendy ... I know I am paying .. otherwise I try and plan events that I know are low or no cost ... Park, Dinner at home, renting movies, dinner at a diner ....

I dont think you should ALWAYS have to pay .. and that is worth a converstaion ... and mind you I am not trying to make you be with someone you dont want to be with ... I would just hate for you to do what I did .. leave .. and then be unhappy because your next date may pay for dinner but not make you smile.

Sometimes the grass just isnt greener ...
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Old 10-19-2006, 02:06 PM   #11
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

i agree with GypsyArcher when she said "I know guys who come from a lot of money and respectable families and they've turned out to be some of the most screwed up people I've ever known." i've also known guys who were exact that. the electric bill things is crazy. do you really know what went on with that? my boyfriend has a roommate and his roommate is so retarded that he doesn't know how to turn anything off. therefore the electric gets really high. my boyfriend pays his part to the roommate but the roommate is often too cheap to pay the other half and just lets the crap cut off. it's hard to deal with roommates sometimes.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:06 PM   #12
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

I don't think there is anything wrong with the woman paying sometimes, but if it starts to become a habit and you start feeling like a sugar-mama, then you know it's gone too far. I had a boyfriend like that living with me, and he was always broke because he paid child support on 4 kids and I tried to help him out, but it got to the point where I felt like his sugar mama or even his regular mama when he wouldn't pull out his wallet.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:09 PM   #13
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

I think after reading your last post that it is kind of clear that this guy simply can't afford to have a girlfriend right now. If he can't take you out and treat you to anything, well...

I have no problem with a cute, dead-broke guy as long as he is only a friend-with-benefits. But I agree that when it comes to a boyfriend, they definetly have to be able to take you out. So if you want something serious, this is probably not the guy, as you already seem to know.
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Old 10-19-2006, 02:11 PM   #14
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

i dont know if you live in the United States or not but in the U.S. there are millions living check to check. you'd be surprised. it's sad. but the way the government and economy and etc etc are, it's extremely hard to get out of. the classes for my college are 498 dollars each. if i wasn't in the military, i'd be stuck paying for that myself. the book for each class is at least 100. most of them are hard to find used. plus the time and cost to get to school. it's expensive just to attempt to make more money by going to school. there are a lot of reasons why people live check to check. there are millions who live past check to check where they are deep in debt and don't have money to even live check to check. so yes people do live that way. and not just a few, millions.

 
Old 10-19-2006, 02:11 PM   #15
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Re: when you know he isn't right for you

Quote:
Originally Posted by GypsyArcher
I think after reading your last post that it is kind of clear that this guy simply can't afford to have a girlfriend right now. If he can't take you out and treat you to anything, well...

I have no problem with a cute, dead-broke guy as long as he is only a friend-with-benefits. But I agree that when it comes to a boyfriend, they definetly have to be able to take you out. So if you want something serious, this is probably not the guy, as you already seem to know.
I think that's a wonderful idea! How bout you make him a friend with bennies?

 
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