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Old 10-19-2006, 01:26 PM   #1
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kendram HB User
Angry mother daughter problems

This is probably going to be long but I will make it as short as possible. It is a long story so here goes...
My mom left me when I was a toddler and I only seen her once a year if I was lucky until I was 12. Then she came back and I moved in with her at 14. I was a typicle teen and had a lot of anger issues (probably toward her for leaving me) and we argued and fought all the time. She really treated me like a slave, I had to do most of the house work, she took my money to pay "my part of the bills" and she never let me go anywhere but school and work. I ended up pregnant at 18 before I finished school and when I graduated, my boyfriend and I moved out. We decided to get married a couple months later and from that day on, she has put me through pure hell. I have been married over 9 years now and it is really getting to me the past few months. My inlaws treat me very well and to be honest, my mother in law has been more of a mother to me in 9 years than my mom has all my life. They have helped us through hard financial times and to put it in a nutshell, I am very close with my inlaws. In fact, sometimes I like them more than I do my hubby!! I think my mom is so jealous of our relationship. She can't stand the fact that I am close to them and that I got married and got it right the first time. I take very good care of my kids and I am a stay at home mom. Mom basically talks down to me like I am worthless and lazy because I don't work. I have 2 kids now, an 8 year old and a 7 year old. My mom only wants anything to do with me or my kids at her convenience, not mine and if I don't jump when she says, I am in trouble. She plays good mom when I have a surgery or something to bum pain pills off me and she my buddy then, but eventually I cought on and I quit giving them to her. I am not on them or anything, but I had gallbladder surgery and then broke my leg and had 2 surgeries on it and she knew I had narcotics so she was good caring mommy then. Anyway, last week, my mother in law out of the blue told me to find us a place to stay and we would go to the beach for a few days at her expense. I wasn't going to pass up a free vacation to keep my mom happy. I didn't even get time to tell her because she never calls anyway unless she wants something. So we took off and went to the beach 2 days later and stayed gone for 5 days. When I came back, my mom had called 2 times. ANd for some reason that evening, she stopped by which was very odd. My kids ran up to hug her and I was walking toward her and she said where have you guys been? My kids told her "we went to the beach with mamaw!" as soon as they said that and while they were trying to tell her more, she turned around and said well I have to go and ran to her car and pulled off real fast. No bye love you or anything. She just left my kids standing there trying to tell her about their vacation. Well, that was a week ago and today she finally called, she told me she has a dr. appt. and hasnt been to work but 2 days this week because she had no energy and couldn't sleep and she doesn't know whats wrong with her. I really didn't say much because it aggervated me that she made a butt out of herself in front of my kids. So we got off the phone and a couple hours later she pulls in my driveway and said she is on her way into work and thought she would stop by. She was really nice and I can tell she is up to something, I just don't know what. SHe never stops by and calls to check on us. I usually have to call her to tell her when we are sick or something and she still never calls to see if me or the kids are batter or how we are doing. My son has health problems due to a birth defect too, so there is always something going on with him and she still never calls to check on him. I am honestly scared of her and everytime I have tried telling her how I feel she tries to fight me. She refuses to see any other point of view than hers and she is always right. I am scared to leave my kids with her but I don't know how to stand up to her and tell her how I feel. There are times I don't even want anything else to do with her and just when I am ok, she is calling me. It gets me all messed up agian. SHe is messing with my head and I don't know what to do about it. SHe turns everything around like its my fault and it really does seem that way because she is that good at it!! I am at my wits end with her and I dont know what to do about it. People tell me to act like it doesn't bother me or it will make it worse because she feeds off of it, but am I supposed to act like things never happened when she does call? My kids are getting older and my daughter is starting to see and realize our relationship is not good. She even asked me why nanaw left without listening to her while she was talking. This is tearing me apart and I feel like I cannot be the best mom I can wiht my own mom making my life miserable. I dont know what do do about it. WIll someone please help me? I am a bomb about to blow up. I have been holding it in and it is eating me up inside. Now that I have kids of my own and they are getting older, I am angry at her for leaving me. A lot of feelings are coming out of me that I never thought I would have., I thought I forgave her for leaving me but I really havent and I am to the point that I want her to pay for what she did and is still doing to me but I dont want to lower myself to her level. I want to be better and I am trying my hardest to be better but she is driving me crazy. I am going to lose my mind if I dont find a solution and I am getting afraid of myself because of the feelings I am having. How do I handle this situation with out losing my mind? And note that I cant really "get away" because she lives a half mile up the road and passes by every day. Please help me before I end up in an instituion and ruin my kids lives over her. I am really really about to go crazy over this. Someone please help me. Thanks, Kendra

 
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Old 10-20-2006, 02:04 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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brazilman HB User
Re: mother daughter problems

Hello:

How are you today?

Do you know what? I was very angry at your mother after I finished reading your post. It was clear to me that she is a manipulative person. I don't think you will be able to change this, but maybe you could change yourself.

I was wondering why nobody had taken their time to reply to you. Maybe because everybody knows or feels that this is a very delicate situation. I am often reminded that the relationship between mother and daughter is the most difficult on earth! So, you are not alone.

I wish I knew a magical word for you to say that would ease you on out of this. In fact, the more I look at it, the more convinced I am that it is mostly a verbal problem.

In other words, you have never been able to speak up for yourself. It seems as if you still don't have your own voice, if you see what I mean.

You don't have a voice (I am talking in metaphorical terms, mind you) because in the first place you lost your mother when you most needed her, and you don't mention another woman in your life until she came back to you. Who were taking care of you at the time? I think it takes an older woman to give a young girl her own voice, right?

But then, when she came back, apparently out of nowhere, your mother wouldn't let you speak. She simply made you into a slave. And the only way for you to say NO was to run away with your boy-friend.

The word NO is still stuck in your throat. And I am sure it makes you suffer. I very much sympathize with you, because to a certain extent I know I also have words stuck in my throat. Who doesn't?

So I think that the best solution for you now is to start talking. Right now. Unearth your own voice. To try to retrieve it. Writing this post was a good start, but you need more than written or typed words: you need sound, too.

You may need some talking therapy indeed. Or maybe, though it may be innefective for her, you might choose to sit face to face with your mother and speak your own piece. Probably this would be your first conversation with her?

I know that there are so many things you want to say. You may be afraid to hurt her because of her age, but if you talk honestly, without too much drama, she will only be hurt if she wants to be. Make a list of the things you would like to say to her.

For example, say that you know that she has her rules, but that you don't have to play by them all the time. Talk of the past, if you feel like it, but talking about the present is even more important.

Don't deny her your help, but make it clear that you have a family of your own now and you have limitations of time, resources, etc.

Don't deny her her role of a grandmother, but say that in the interest of your children, you need only positive feedback.

Ok, you will know better than anyone else what to say.

Don't fight her. If she stands up and leaves, let her go. She wouldn't really listen to everything you would say, but the most important thing for you is to speak up. To be aware that you, too, have your own voice. And that only your voice (not someone else's) can express your feelings and desires.

Sorry, I can't help you further, but hope this will give you some insight into your problem. Yes, definitively, I think a talking therapy would be in place for you.

Best wishes to you.

JC

 
Old 10-20-2006, 04:00 AM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 95
kendram HB User
Re: mother daughter problems

JC,
Thank you so much for your reply. I will take you advice but it will take me some time to to so. You see, everytime I try to tell her how I feel, it starts a huge arguement. She blows up on me and trys to fist fight me. I fought back as an inmature teen, but I am now 27 and I am matured, I will not fight her back. She is like a teenager and wants to fight (literally) anytime someone makes her mad. Therefore, right now, I don't have the guts to stand up to her. Speaking of having a woman in my life, my dad raised me and he got murdered when I was 18. He had a girlfriend, but she only lived in the home with us for about a year, so really, there was no woman, my dad was mom and dad at the same time for me. I have these feelings in so long that I am boiling over now. I can't sleep, I feel like I am trapped on the ground by a steal beam on my chest. I feel like I could just jump straight out my skin right now. I have gotten to the point where I wont even hardly leave the house, except for when I went to the beach. I will go to my inlaws house, but other than that, I rarely go anywhere, I don't have the desire to anymore. I used to go places all the time, everyday, I went some where ever if it was the dollar store. The past 2 years, I have probably put 6,000 miles on my vehicle, I just dont go unless I have to. I am getting off the subject. Agian, thank you for your reply and thank you for being patient enough to to read my long post. I think I am going to call my dr. I really think I have let it go to far and maybe I need meds to help me get through this without loseing my mind.
Thanks, Kendra

 
Old 10-20-2006, 07:38 AM   #4
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Willapp HB User
Re: mother daughter problems

How about writing your mother a letter? Even if she refuses to read it all, or ends up fighting you as a result, you may well find it helps you just to write it down - everything you feel towards her, your relationship with her etc. In some respects this might be your best option, because it really sounds like you mother isn't interested in hearing anyone else's point of view, and this might well never change - unfortunately you can't choose your parents, and sometimes they just aren't the great people we wish/need them to be. You may just have to accept that your relationship might never improve much, and just distance yourself from her as much as possible (I know it's difficult if she lives nearby).

Going to the beach with your in-laws was a great idea, so why not try and make it a regular thing? Then you are at least given a break from your mother when you can relax.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 09:13 AM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Tennessee
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kendram HB User
Re: mother daughter problems

I guess one of these days I will finally grow some ***** and just tell her like it is, and if she tries to fight me, it may be wrong of me but I will file assault charges on her. She will call me a wimp and everything and say I was too chicken to fight back, but I am not, I am just the adult in this situation and I will not lower myself to hitting my mother. Even if I do hit back, then she will say how dare I hit my own mother!! You see!! She turns everything around and makes it my fault. She threatens and says things like leaving me out of her will because I don't come around that often, but you know what? I don't care and I don't want anything she has!! All she has is her house and I don't want it. I guess she thinks she can bribe me into coming around, but would you want to go to someones house where they talk down to you like your a loser and you have to walk on egg shells all the time. You can't joke around and be yourself for fear of ******* someone off. I am over it, seriously, I am. I just need to grow the ***** to tell her!! I thought of writing a letter and stuff like that but I just don't know right now. I think I am in the angry stages of the healing process of all this. And I am ****** at her for treating me the way she does. She doesn't love me, I have been nothing but a burden to her ever since the day I was concieved. The only time she wants anything to do with me is if I have something to offer her and if it is convenient for her. You know what! This is a great place to vent I have been holding this in so long I actually felt like I was going to explode when I first posted this. I hope by some fat chance that she is a member of this board and will see this, because if she does, she will know who I am by my screen name and the details I have included in my post. And if she is,
MOM I am sick of the way you treat me and my kids. You act like a kid. If things dont go your way, then you get ****** and your not my "friend" anymore. You only want my kids when it is convenient to you, just like you did me when I was little. You dont think I remember all the times you called and said you were coming to see me and I put on my best dress and got all my favorite toys out to show you and I stood there in the yard all day long waiting on you and when it got dark, dad had to drag me into the house crying because you lied to me. I guess all you boyfriends and drugs were more important than your own kids. YES YES YES I AM ****** OFF AT YOU!!! I could not imagine leaving my kids. I would never do such a thing, NOTHING in this world and I mean NOTHING is more important than my kids. Thats how a mother is supposed to be. You think just because you came back that you a mother to me, well your not. I was your freaking slave. And you should be happy for me and not jealous of me when I get nice things or get a vacation. I can no longer please you and I will no longer try.

Sorry, I had to get that out. Thanks for all you who are reading my post and responding.

 
Old 10-20-2006, 11:04 AM   #6
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brazilman HB User
Re: mother daughter problems

Hi again:

If you can't write a letter, following Willapp's suggestion, and if you can't talk to her directly, then maybe you could find someone reliable and serious to do the talking instead of you. Is there anyone in this world whom your mother looks up to and will listen to for a while?

Again, whatever way you choose, it's better to focus on the present and future than the past. I am not telling you to forgive your mother, but simply not to have a grudge against her bigger than she deserves it, if you see what I mean. Probably she, too, had a miserable childhood and youth and inadvertently was taking it out on you.

But this is a very important point (and also a compliment to you): this makes a big difference between your mother and you. You had a miserable childhood (sorry to put it this way...), but you never tried to take it out on your daughter. I salute you for this, for your mental clarity.

JC

 
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