~Tyger~

Today I did something really brave, and possibly very stupid.

I told my ex I was still in love with him.

Yes, this is the ex that is that 'one' in your life - the "Mr Big" (from Sex & the City) that just keeps inevitably coming back into your life, that you always hold this itsy-bitsy bit of faith for in the back of your mind, the one that has that much of an impression on you that there's a tiny pocket inside you that doesn't quite ever stop loving them despite the odds. My past posts will show you all that.

Anyway, since we started sleeping together again after being apart for a year, it has been surprisingly smooth. He dated a little during, as did I, and always at those points we were honest with eachother and kept any contact to pure 'friends' department. But now he is with someone for a month or two and this one looks like it will be sticking around, although their relationship is progressing very very slowly, he doesnt see her often. But still... I have been missing him so much, and thinking about him constantly.

He knows everything about me and I him; I have known him for 10 years now, we were friends, then partners, then nothing (which was awful), then lovers, then friends again. Our lives are enriched by eachother. I love him along with all his flaws, and when we were together he treated me beautifully. Those thoughts are what brought me to the conclusion that I would be the luckiest girl in the world to live my life with him.

My first course of action when I realised? I told him to not have anything to do with me, and pretended I didn't want to be friends at all. Harsh - but call it self preservation. I stayed away from him for a good month and didn't return his messages, but missed him so terribly - even just his company as a friend - that I ended up deciding that I had to do the only thing left to do. Be honest. And tell him everything.

So today he came over, and I laid it all out there on the table. I told him all these things that I have written here, that I care for him more than any single human being on the planet, and that I can't dislodge the strength of my feelings for him even in the period where I didn't see him for over a year (occasionally passed by him at work, thats it). He seemed a little overwhelmed at all this, but he held me, hugged my tight, kissed my head and kept apologising over and over. He told me he felt like an idiot and a jerk even though he did nothing majorly wrong. Then he told me that he had his reasons for not getting back together with me, and they had absolutely nothing to do with not loving me back or being attracted to me. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks we aren't a practical match, its too much chaotic passion. Perhaps his mum still has something to do with it, perhaps not. I don't know any more. I don't really care, he told me the bottom line, and that was a NO which is what I should focus on... right?

I don't think theres much left for me to do - sometimes I think that I should be fighting for what I know I want... I don't think I could find a love like him again. But then part of me is so tired... I just want to be over him but its impossible and it takes SO long for me to pursue other relationships. And when I get into them, i always have weird insecurities about it all and end up dumping them before they get a chance to dump me... or so I believe... and then think about HIM again.

My heart and soul wants to keep him as a friend, or in my life somehow, if not as a partner, then as anything. As long as he doesn't disappear altogether. But I'm not sure how now. My heart is hurting very badly, and I don't have a 'goal' anymore... I feel lost and unmotivated and extremely alone. Moreso then ever before. I am terrible at getting over heartache. Please give me some advice about all this.