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Old 10-21-2006, 09:37 AM   #1
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GWS1964 HB User
Seperated & Need Assistance

I'll try and be as brief as I can, but have alot to say. My wife and I got married about 1 1/2 years ago. We only dated for less than 4 months before were married. She has been divorced once and has 2 children, 7year old boy & a 12 year old girl. I have been in mostly long term relationships. One of then lasted almost 8 years. I had never been engaged prior to my wife and have no children.
I moved into her house and became an instant stepfather to these kids. Their father only sees them 2 days a month and nothing else. As you can probably tell, this became a very difficult situation. We've now been seperated for less than 2 months. I love her more than anything in this world and we are going to counseling. My issue is she doesn't really seem to care. Of the four appointments we have had scheduled, she has backed out once. She doesn't say much to me when I come over to see my stepson. I'm not sure where this is going. We did go out a couple times during this seperation, usually ending up in an argument over something stupid. More than anything I want this to work, and have tried so hard to do so. She just doesn't seem be interested, but has not brought up divorce either. HELP!
I'm having a very hard time dealing with this, and can't seem to get back to the strong, secure I always was. i seemed to lose that during our marriage. I think that is one of the reasons we are seperated. I used to go to the gym 4-6 times a week for 25+ years. Now I just can't seem to get back to that. HELP!

Last edited by GWS1964; 10-23-2006 at 06:18 PM.

 
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Old 10-21-2006, 10:20 AM   #2
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mommypynk HB User
Question Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

well i dont know if i can be of much help being that i just got out of a bad relationship, however, it seems that you are doing your best.....if you want to be with her i guess just keep reminding her,, i have to ask though, you didnt give detail as to why you split...............more insight would be more helpful.....was there cheating or abuse???? why are relationships so hard to hold togther? they just never seem to last do they?? anyway with out knowing more i would just say keep going to the counciling and keep reminding her that you are still in love with her..........................if nothing else keep me posted..........

 
Old 10-21-2006, 11:09 AM   #3
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GWS1964 HB User
Post Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

She just seemed to pull away. We would never have any big arguments, she would just withdrawl....and be moody and irriatable. She would always pick at the way I did things i.e.. If I cleaned the bathoom, she would find something I missed and point it out. There wasn't any abuse or cheating of any kind. Things just got to a point where you could tell she just wasn't happy, no matter how hard I tried. She says she felt smothered, which I have NEVER done to any woman I have been with. We began to talk less and less to the point that it was time to seperate. I now we moved way to fast. She has stated that we never had time to become friends and thinks we should start there.
I was always there for whatever she needed. I helped with ther kids and around the house. I think maybe I tried too hard. She feels that I didn't trust her. I for seem for some reason have become insecure and was afraid of losing her. That showed and pushed her farther away. I know no one likes for their partner to be insecure for what is no apparent reason. I guess when she pulled away, I got that way.
She is either at work or at home. Doesn't spend alot of time away from the house. Goes out with her friends once in awhile. Her daughter didn't respect me, but she doesn't respect anyone for that matter. I think another issue is that her daughter doesn't want me to come back becasue she likes having mommy all to herself. She has a major influence on my wife. My stepson loves me and I know would like for me to come home.

Last edited by GWS1964; 10-21-2006 at 11:20 AM.

 
Old 10-21-2006, 11:41 AM   #4
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brazilman HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Hi GWS1964

Maybe you don't need "help" as much as you need to be heard? Or in other words, maybe being heard is just the kind of help you are applying for.

Just for your information, I was once in a relationship where my partner had two children (I had none then), a boy and a girl, and we broke up because of, among other things, her children, who wouldn't take me as a stepfather, but the greater obstacle, so to say, was the girl rather than the boy. Maybe girls have more difficulty accepting a new father? Boys a new mother?

What I want to stress is that yours is not a very easy situation. If it can be said to be same old story again, your wife will probably always lean towards her daughter rather than towards you. It is very uncommon for a mother to be against her children, unless she has a very clear and impartial mind.

A brief analysis of your problem is that your wife seems confused. I'd advise you just the opposite from mommypink (who came above me): leave your wife alone for a while. Give her time to think it over. It seems you are really fond of her. So, don't interfere, just let her have her way. Don't plague her for an immediate answer. Of course you can't be waiting a whole year. No, I am not asking you that. But talk to her instead again and see if you two can decide on a period of time to be away from each other.

And when you join each other again, see how it feels. And if you decide to stay together, establish a couple of rules to be followed regarding the kids.

Consider this period of time as a sabbatical rest for you. Reorganize your life and try to find out what you really need to make your future worth living.

Yes, as I said above: you need to be heard, but probably whom you most need to be heard by is yourself.

Good luck.

JC

 
Old 10-21-2006, 12:24 PM   #5
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Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Thank You...I think you are right Jose. She has asked for some time to be alone. I guess I shouldn't contact her unless it is regarding our counseling sessions. I don't want to abandon my stepson either, but I guess may have to for the sake of the relationship.It's just tough because I think about her and the kids all the time, too much, I know. I find myself wondering what she might be doing at any given moment. I know I have been doing all the pushing and her the pulling, which is exactly what I can't do if I plan getting her back.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 09:35 AM   #6
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mommypynk HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

jose, you give way better advice than i do....lol.....give her space.....i told you i wasnt very good at this....i try.......anyways, good luck ,

 
Old 10-22-2006, 10:49 AM   #7
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GWS1964 HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

I'm trying to give her space, but it is hard, because I think about her and the kids all the time. I have let it consume my mind, but am trying hard not to. I send her emails ocassionally telling her my feelings, which I know I shouldn't. She knows how much I love her.
I waited a long time to find someone I was comfortable marrying, and always said that when I got married, I would do everything in my power to make it last forever. I was never ready with the women I have dated in the past. With my wife, I didn't hesitate...I knew she was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, even with the kids. It has never casued me to waiver.

Last edited by GWS1964; 10-22-2006 at 10:52 AM.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 11:22 AM   #8
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brazilman HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Hi

There is only one thing left for me to say: don't love her too much. (Don't hang your clothes on this single clothesline.) This smells like masochism.

JC

 
Old 10-23-2006, 06:05 PM   #9
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GWS1964 HB User
Smile Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

You're right JC... I told her several times when we first fell in love that I loved her too much for my own good. She probably thought I was joking, but I was serious. No one should love someone as much as I love my wife. It has made me lose me. Time for that to change.
We have another counselor appt tomorrow night, hopefully she doesn't back out and we are able to make some progress.

Last edited by GWS1964; 11-02-2006 at 03:50 PM.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 05:07 AM   #10
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caringhubby HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Quote:
Originally Posted by GWS1964
She has asked for some time to be alone. I guess I shouldn't contact her unless it is regarding our counseling sessions.
Hi could be a multitude of things but the words i need time to be alone still haunt me from 6 months ago and i haev seen it in other couples - time to be alone means time to try and sort the feelings/emotions out - in my opinion it also means these feelings are usually for someone else rightly or wrongly this happened to me and for 5 months i did everything i could i really did - i said at the beginning to her "you can achieve and have anything you want within the marriage the only thing you cannot have is someone else" - she asked for space, i even helped, getting her things etc - eventually after 5 months the bombshell - this may not be your case but do not discount the fact she has feelings for someone else - i know ive been and am still there - good luck

 
Old 10-24-2006, 05:20 AM   #11
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Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

GWS1964,

I know Im coming in late on this one but heres a womans perspective. One: Your trying WAY too hard. This tells her she is free to run ramshod all over your feelings and you will let her. Very dangerous to give another that kind of power. TWO: Back away. And I mean AWAY. No E Mails confessing your undying love ( She already knows this ) or phone calls or ANYTHING. One of two things will happen with this approach. It will pique her interest and allow her to see you in another light ( With respect for a change). Trust me..At this point she does NOT respect you. Your a pushover. Or two..She will move on which may be what she doesnt have the courage to tell you she wants to do. I hope this doesnt sound mean spirited. My intention truly is to help you and Im telling you as a woman that your OBVIOUS availability is a key problem at the moment. It is only clouding the inevitable outcome. I wish you the best and if its any consolation I think shes making a big mistake. You really do seem to be a nice guy.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 08:01 AM   #12
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caringhubby HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Quote:
Originally Posted by dannieishappy
GWS1964,

I know Im coming in late on this one but heres a womans perspective. One: Your trying WAY too hard. This tells her she is free to run ramshod all over your feelings and you will let her. Very dangerous to give another that kind of power. TWO: Back away. And I mean AWAY. No E Mails confessing your undying love ( She already knows this ) or phone calls or ANYTHING. One of two things will happen with this approach. It will pique her interest and allow her to see you in another light ( With respect for a change). Trust me..At this point she does NOT respect you. Your a pushover. Or two..She will move on which may be what she doesnt have the courage to tell you she wants to do. I hope this doesnt sound mean spirited. My intention truly is to help you and Im telling you as a woman that your OBVIOUS availability is a key problem at the moment. It is only clouding the inevitable outcome. I wish you the best and if its any consolation I think shes making a big mistake. You really do seem to be a nice guy.
interesting and i take your point however it is still an opinion albeit from another woman and i respect that opinion (the other women telling me I was being really understanding etc maybe they were too close to give me the brutal advice i needed) - i was like this guy and yes in hindsight I have been sympathetic, caring etc eventually i did think my obviously love and availability was a safety cushion - i did 2-3 weeks ago straight to the point ask for the house key/bank card back, took the rest of her stuff to her, asked her not to call round or park at the house etc etc and have backed away totally - only had the one point of contact since which was a previously arranged wedding we were invited to (I am surprised she came with us) - I have also rung and said I am putting small Spanish place on the market - maybe its all too late who knows in the long run but they are decisions for me now - dont know what tomorrow brings but i am more prepared than ever for it. regards

 
Old 10-25-2006, 03:35 AM   #13
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Smile Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

I apprecaiate all of your comments and suggestions. We DID go to counseling last night and it seems like we are making progress. I realize that it won't happen overnight, and I am no longer being pushy at all. She is still letting me see her son, I may even be taking him out trick or treating on Halloween, next Tuesday. Our counselor asked us each to write down our expectations for seeing one another over the next 2 months and bring them to our next appt on Monday night. He said that we would look at both of our lists and come up ith something that will each of us. Stay Tuned.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 09:26 AM   #14
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The Mike HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Quote:
Originally Posted by dannieishappy
GWS1964,

I know Im coming in late on this one but heres a womans perspective. One: Your trying WAY too hard. This tells her she is free to run ramshod all over your feelings and you will let her. Very dangerous to give another that kind of power. TWO: Back away. And I mean AWAY. No E Mails confessing your undying love ( She already knows this ) or phone calls or ANYTHING. One of two things will happen with this approach. It will pique her interest and allow her to see you in another light ( With respect for a change). Trust me..At this point she does NOT respect you. Your a pushover. Or two..She will move on which may be what she doesnt have the courage to tell you she wants to do. I hope this doesnt sound mean spirited. My intention truly is to help you and Im telling you as a woman that your OBVIOUS availability is a key problem at the moment. It is only clouding the inevitable outcome. I wish you the best and if its any consolation I think shes making a big mistake. You really do seem to be a nice guy.
I'm going with Danny on this one. Let me state for the record I ferverntly don't believe in seperation as a means to fix a relationship. To me seperation is the end and I realise that is an unpopular belief but it is the conclusion I have come to from my life and the posts of the lives of people I've read. There is a reason whey the saying "Nice guys finish last" exists. I used to be a nice guy but my experience with my wife took care of that little problem. Now I trust my insticts more and I try to look at my situation from afar and not from the close proximity of my feelings. Not that I don't trust my feelings but they can blind you to reality.

Get back to the gym. Steel yourself and don't be suprised by what you find out. I wish you luck and hope beyond hope you find your way back to her but don't ignore her lack of enthusiasm. Prepare yourself for the chance it doesn't work out.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 07:24 PM   #15
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GWS1964 HB User
Re: Seperated & Need Assistance

Thank You. I am back in the gym 5-6 days a week and feel much better. I am going in to this with a very cautious eye and watching closely. Next week we have an appt with the counselor on Monday night, and we are taking her son, my stepson out trick or treating together next Tuesday. One day at a time, but I am certainly not counting my chickens.

 
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