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Old 10-21-2006, 10:31 AM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Lansdale, Pa 19446
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aviad1 HB User
Break up advice needed

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I have just broken up with the love of my life for the second time, this time really feeling down about the entire thing. The time around the relationship issue was clearly on me; so much so that I need to go to therapy to clear up many issues I had that were killing our relationship. We broke up and I was able to really work on myself so that I would be in a position to be in a functional relationship again. We did get back together, and in my opinion had an incredible relationship the last year. We have had issues but we discussed them and resolved them in a timely fashion and with both of us really giving a genuine effort. There is one problem, something that has been my downfall for years. When we were together the first time around I was unemployed and working only part time, this was a huge problem with us. She felt that I was giving up and couldn't see her being with me if I would accept that type of lifestyle. After going through therapy I was able to find a job and have been there since. I am not at the point where I am financially set myself; I have been living with her rent-free for a year in hopes that I could contribute to the rent when I finally get ahead. After a year of expensive car repairs, tax bills, and other things I was never able to do that. I do give as much as I could but never really being anywhere close to 50/50. In addition my progress in going back to school has been slow and she feels that this is another indicator of problems to come. I don't blame her for feeling this way, I feel so down because the love is there, and the relationship is so free and so natural. I will be at the point very soon where I can be in a place to help out, but I think she is tired of waiting. I think by the time that happens she will find someone who has enough zeros in their bank account to get the job done. In reality love is not enough, you must be equals. I love her and don't expect her to pay my way more or less. It kills me inside because I know the love between us is so strong. That was quite long, only about 1% of the story, just hurting about the whole thing. Please advise, and please give it to me straight. I love her and would marry her in an instant. I know I cannot afford a ring, or a wedding at this point and it kills me.

I am going to see her on Saturday to pick up some things and to go to a birthday party with her. I know I will be more upset than ever when I see her. The break up was last week; we decided that for the last days of us being together should be like we were on vacation, trying to enjoy every moment we have together. I think we did. Now I don't know what to say to her, I only think good things about hard feelings, no anger or us. That would make it easy...
Thank you to everyone who is responding and trying to help. The real issue I have is this. We both love each other immensely; there is no doubt have that fact. I would marry her today if I had the money too, and she knows that. It was so tough for us to move things around in the apartment when I was packing. She has everything you could dream of in a partner and I feel like there is nothing I can do today to change that. I would never say, maybe we should, or just give me one more...It was her decision, I have to accept that. I could never be a friend because it would kill me to see her with someone else.

I feel bad now because I will see her on Saturday to pick up my things that I havenít taken yet. I really don't want her to feel guilty about anything. She tried to be so helpful when I was moving my thing out; she seemed to be just as upset as I was. I appreciated that because I have broken up with people and had my thing thrown out in the lawn, in the mud, and they were the one who caused the issues. I really want to encourage her to follow her dreams, I wanted to be with her but if I cannot come along I will give her all the blessings in my heart. We have a get together at work, I was going to invite her to show that I feel good about her and us ending, no hard feelings what so ever. I think if she met the people I work with and they went on about what a good guy I was, how much I talked about her and praised her she would feel bad. My mother made her a collage for her with all the pictures from my youth. I was going to give it to her to show I was so thankful for the time we had together and that she should have this for the memories. I think I might hold on to that because again, maybe that will make her feel guilty. I don't know for surely have also already ordered many things for her Christmas presents, a vacation I have started saving for. I realized that when she took me on vacation that she really loved me, that she was willing to foot the bill showed that love was very strong between us; at least that is how I saw it. I couldn't wait to pay her back so I started saving for a vacation for the two of us next year. A couple of days after we broke up I was in the mall and saw her close friend walking through. I was picking up a deposit I had made, trying to somehow save for an engagement ring. I really didn't plan on buying a ring at a mall, just that I was saving to do that and I wanted to make sure I followed through, even if it was a few dollars a month after all of my financial pitfalls. I don't think she should know about that either. I donít think I will ever tell her about my therapy sessions in detail, the reason- my therapist predicted this exact situation would happen, almost down to the month. I tried to take the advise in therapy but always believe, despite the advice of a professional that love would overcome. My therapist said it was possible she had been left for the same reason, because someone didn't carry the weight, meaning her, I am not sure about that one. I don't bring up her past relationships in unless she wants to discuss it. My therapist was convinced that she wanted the marriage more than she wanted me, maybe. She also said that she was only with me after the other relationships had failed, that is also true. I don't know if she was trying to motivate me to leave. I totally opened myself up, my therapist saw that and maybe she was trying to protect me. I told the therapist as much as I knew about her marriage and the wedding that was called off. I got many hmmms during that conversation. From what I gather she was going to give up a successful career and move into a house with this man, who was a doctor. She was going to become a teacher, which has always been her dream and still is. I am guessing, and only guessing, that he was going to pay for the house himself, I know he offered to pay other things as well. I think marrying this person would free her from all debt. I receive a long lecture from my therapist about that, I am sorry I ever told her. I am very protective of my ex in therapy, knowing that she may have made mistakes in the past but I really believe that she loves me for me and she is not chasing a something that isn't real. When I attend therapy I bring our email exchange after a disagreement to help discuss the situation. I was trying to be as fair as possible, not trying to speak for someone who wasn't there. Another mistake. My therapist pointed out many contradictions and informed me that there was an underlying issue that has not been resolved, I guess this was it. WE both should have been in therapy, not just me. I realize that now. Not that she needed help, we could have used a third party to moderate or advise about deeper issue that may be still buried, issues that she may not even be aware of. I really love this woman and if she is leaving me and there is nothing I can do to change that short of winning the lottery, I want to send her towards her future in a positive way. I want her to have a good memory of the time we have had. This past year I would say 95% of the time has been positive and beautiful. The other 5% not being negative, more or less trying to figure each other and the situation out. I pray for her every night in between me trying to figure out what I could have done better. I havenít slept the night through since we left. I decided, about six months after we were together to start working on vows. I was so confident that we were meant to be together I started creating my own vows. I was going to send her a letter containing these. I don't know if that would hurt or help. She may just think that this is all nonsense, people always confessing and promising everything under the sun when the relationship is over, I have seen that myself. Someone please advise, should I let her know all of this, if I don't I feel like I am lying to her. I am hesitant that she will think this is a bunch of hooey, to little to late. Someone help. By the way, if you got through this whole email at one sitting you are due a prize that is behind door number two. Thank you in advance listeners

I have posted this on another forum, just wanted more feedback. I am new to this so I just want to get as much feedback as necessary. Thank you:

 
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Old 10-21-2006, 12:18 PM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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brazilman HB User
Re: Break up advice needed

Hi aviad1

I read your post once. I guess I have to read it once more, maybe three times.

But I need an input from you. Maybe the others who are reading need it, too.

I might be wrong in my assumption, but it looks like to me that the love between this woman and you is maternal rather than carnal. No, it is not exactly that. I mean you never mention that sex is good for both of you.

I know, I know, sex is not everything in a relationship, but somehow I feel it is missing here. I read your sentiment for her as admiration rather than (physical) love.

I said "maternal" above, because it gives me the impression that you want to show her that you can "grow" and do good things for her. Like a son who wants to show off for his mother. Like a son who must prove his mother that he will be a man anytime soon.

No, I am not saying you are an exhibitionist, but it is almost very clear to me that there is a silent pact between the two of you: you want to show and she expects you to show, but maybe she is impatient.

Sex, again. Can sex be good between a man and a woman if the woman is so to say the breadwinner for the time being? Well, I bet it can, but maybe there is a bitter taste at the end: let's reverse roles and perhaps it will be even better.

I know people will probably say that this is a sexist view. But I am afraid that it is still (unfortunately?) in force for most couples: a man must never marry someone above him. At worst, they can be on the same level.

It so happens that this woman is (and feels) above you right now. You have the power to rise above her, but I am not sure if she is ready to accept this new configuration. Do you have hopes?

Best to you.

JC

 
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