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Old 10-22-2006, 08:53 AM   #1
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Angry Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I know this is kind of long, sorry.

I absolutely love my fiance'. We've been engaged for a month now and been dating for 5 which I know isn't a long time at all. He was married for 3 years, but with his ex for 7 (they were divorced April of this year). They have a 3 years old son together that has a medical condition which I fully accept and understand. I have a daughter myself and my goal is deffinately not to rip him and his son apart. Anyways, to start off with, his ex won't really let him see his son, says she doesn't trust him. I don't care for this woman at all. #1 She doesn't work and lives with her parents, #2 She expects my fiance' to support her with child support which he pays $300 to $400 a month for and has the nerve to ask for a $100 more for Christmas so she can buy her son gifts (hello, get a job!), #3 She is getting married herself and her fiance' makes 4 times as much as my fiance' and myself make put together but she says she doesn't feel right asking him for stuff for her son, #4 she expect my fiance' to jump when she says jump and always holds their son over his head...the only way he is allowed to see his son is if he goes to her house and stays there or she takes him to the park and stays. Now, there is more but there are some basics. My thing is now, we are supposed to be getting married and we are going to try for kids of our own...We are going to be a family, we are. For the past few weeks my car has been acting funny and he said he'd take it on his day off to get it fixed and clean it up because I work all the time, well he hasn't and was supposed to do it today (After he went to the park to see his ex and son) Well she scheduled that for 12-2pm today, I get off at 3 so now he can't. He's said he'd do it several Sundays in a row but never happens because he has to go see his son because now she is claiming he doesn't see him enough. Should I be mad over this or am I being rediculous? I feel bad even saying anything, but basically I feel like he is giving time and things to this woman that he shouldn't. I love his son too and would be more than happy to have him over for weekends or whenever, but she won't allow it and therefore is causing problems. There was no custody agreement in their divorce and I've told him to take her to court but he won't. This really upsets me. What should I do?

 
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Old 10-22-2006, 09:12 AM   #2
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

My older sister is going through the same thing; she has a 4 year old little girl with her ex-boyfriend, who is now with another woman. She and this gal do not like one another.

Keep in mind though: it is about your child with this man; its not about you, this other gal, or your child's father. I imagine that must be very difficult. You mentioned that you want to start a family of your own with this man; you might also have to remember that his son will still be around if he still sees him. The last thing you would want to do is not include him in things (not saying you will do that at all) but it does happen.

I think any feelings you have toward the situation are normal, because they are your FEELINGS. You may have to accept his past though (that being his son with another woman) in order to secure your future with him. Best of luck!

Last edited by CUCrusaders24; 10-22-2006 at 09:18 AM.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 09:21 AM   #3
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Hi I think that you need to come to the realization that your fiance had a family before he met you and that his son does come first in terms of obligations and responsibilities. True his ex wife isn't making it easy for him, however, his relationship with his son is extremely important to him and you should do everything in your power to support that. If he has to see him under certain conditions that you deem as unfair you must understand that it is what he needs to do to preserve his relationship to his son.

This is the reality of his life.....it comes with other obligations and priorities. The thing you must ask yourself is whether or not you can accept them alon with him. If you cannot then perhaps you should reevaluate whether you are able to marry him. In any case, I think that you should consider premarital counselling in order to see whether the two of you will be able to work through these issues together.

I wish you luck ~ Goody

 
Old 10-22-2006, 01:28 PM   #4
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I thought I was the only one!!!! Look, his son and his ex should be two different people. He doesn't have to be a doormat for her (nor do you) in order to see his son. He needs to take it to court, and set his visitation rights. Full stop. This blackmail on her part won't sort itself out unless he takes the step to sort it out. Besides, he would guarantee his legal right to see his son contantly, not when she commands. Why doesn't he want to go to court? Not to upset her? Give me a break.

I have been in the same situation, exactly, except for her wanting him to sleep with them under the same house roof, his mum's. Now he didn't see his son for 3 years unfortunately.

He should show her the door wide open....and let's pray she's really getting married...so that she gets busier.

sweetie, my advice is get him to resolve this issue before you get married. Otherwise he will take you more for granted and you will have to face it everyday. Some women are just so controlling, and use the child to twist their dad's arm. You have every right to have a PRIVATE life!

Last edited by Nina000; 10-22-2006 at 01:32 PM.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 03:21 PM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Maybe I've lived too long, but I happen to know that there are usually two sides to a story. Most women WANT their ex-husband to be a father to their child. I would want to know a little more about their marriage, and I wouldn't hesitate to contact the ex-wife & ask why she doesn't trust your fiance with his child.

Also, I don't know what the medical condition that the child has, but isn't it possible that the cost of childcare (the grandparents are not obligated by the way to do this) makes it better in the long run for the mother to be a full-time mother if living with the grandparents temporarily makes it possible?

I am REALLY sorry that I sound like this. I've been on the boards for a long time and try very hard to put myself in other people's shoes. But when I try that here I end up feeling that you want to try to make your situation into that of someone marrying a man who has no ex-wife, no prior life, no child.

And, despite how you feel, your fiance is not obligated to fix your car rather than see his son. Actually, your car is still your responsibility and you sound like a strong enough female to take care of it!!!!

It is very hard to take a step outside of what you want, and how you see something.
I am concerned that you are not going to be able to navigate the next 15 yrs of this child's life, let alone the next 50+.

Your fiance DOES have an ex-wife who WILL be in your life if you marry this man.
Accept the things you cannot change
This is one of them.
If you do not comes to terms with this before you marry it will be a constant thorn & wedge.
I wholly agree with the premarital counseling in this case.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 03:38 PM   #6
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
you try to make your situation into that of someone marrying a man who has no ex-wife, no prior life, no child.

And, despite how you feel, your fiance is not obligated to fix your car rather than see his son. Actually, your car is still your responsibility and you sound like a strong enough female to take care of it!!!!

With all due respect, I have to disagree. Having a child is not the same as having an EX. She has to understand that her time is over, and that he moved on. Mega seems to understand that he has a child and she sounds receptive to him seeing his child, but not on the ex's terms and conditions. Because he had a child to someone else doesn't mean that must accept her abuse and manipulation. She is past, an ex, and she needs to ACCEPT that.

Also, I think that he IS obliged to help his wife-to-be, especially that he postponed it several times.
Mega, I really think that you have to ask him to take a long walk, if he is going to allow this toxic influence (his ex) to destroy your happiness and intrude your life. Better sooner than later. You don't need drama in your life.

Last edited by Nina000; 10-22-2006 at 03:44 PM.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 06:52 PM   #7
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nina000
With all due respect, I have to disagree. Having a child is not the same as having an EX. She has to understand that her time is over, and that he moved on. Mega seems to understand that he has a child and she sounds receptive to him seeing his child, but not on the ex's terms and conditions. Because he had a child to someone else doesn't mean that must accept her abuse and manipulation. She is past, an ex, and she needs to ACCEPT that.

Sorry Nina, but I have to disagree here.

She may well be an ex, but her time is by no means over!! His ex is the mother of his child, and until the child is an adult, then unfortunately they are a package. Meaning that it is healthier for the child to see mum and dad still being able to communicate, rather than mum being ignored just because she is his ex. Convenient for the new partner, but not nice for the child.

The poster here may well be about to marry him, but like others have said, he had a life which included having a child before she came on the scene.

I think it is sad when the mother is made out to be manipulative, just because she wants some support from the childs father.

Like me she is a single mother, and our children should always come first, before any new lady in our exes life.

Sorry but both sides of the coin have to be understood.

 
Old 10-22-2006, 10:17 PM   #8
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Quote:
#3 She is getting married herself and her fiance' makes 4 times as much as my fiance' and myself make put together but she says she doesn't feel right asking him for stuff for her son,
I do feel for you, because I'd probably be annoyed if I were in your shoes, too. But in all fairness, it is not the responsibility of his ex's fiance to provide anything for this child. It is your fiance's kid, and HIS JOB to support it. And it always will be his job, until the kid turns 18 and maybe beyond. It doesn't matter how much money this other guy has. It isn't his child.

Also, I wanted to point out that his ex already does have a job - raising this child! And if he has a medical condition, that probably requires special care.

Sending child support every month is his job as the father. If he thinks that his ex is mis-using the money, then maybe he could buy more things directly for his son, like clothes and supplies, instead of just handing x amount of money over to his ex.

I also wonder why you cannot just take care of your car yourself? Like the saying goes, If you want something done right (or simply just done at all) do it yourself.
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Old 10-23-2006, 04:17 AM   #9
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I've been in the same situation and luckily it has improved tremendously. I had the same feelings as you regarding the acceptance og his ex, but it doesn't have to be the way you are describing. My fiances ex would call whenever she wanted, tell him to pick up his son when it was convenient for her. There were no boundries. She would call and place demands and interupt our family time together. I told my fiance I could not tolerate this anymore....There is a visitation/custody agreement for a reason! He put a stop to it. Unless there is an issue with his health, his behavior at school, or a disipline problem they don't communicate until the day of the switch. We get his son 50% 50%. One week on , one week off. It has made a world of difference. We also went to couseling together. The 4 of us....my fiance, myself, ex wife and her husand. It was really for the child because he was having behavioral problems...but the couselor knew the issues were coming from the parents so she was able to talk to all 4 of us.

Maybe you guys could do the same. At least start with the boundry issue? I would suggest making some sort of set schedule for time with his kid

 
Old 10-23-2006, 07:28 AM   #10
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StenoLady1 HB UserStenoLady1 HB User
Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

Quote:
Originally Posted by meganoglesby
#4 she expect my fiance' to jump when she says jump and always holds their son over his head...the only way he is allowed to see his son is if he goes to her house and stays there or she takes him to the park and stays. Now, there is more but there are some basics.
What is the "more?" This is highly unusual. Supervised visitation is usually in cases involving neglect or abuse. The fact that a judge wasn't involved with the standard custody arrangement is even more unusual. Why didn't your fiance address this during the divorce? Florida guidelines (I see you're in FL -- me, too) mandate 50/50 for custody unless there's a special circumstance, i.e., neglect, abuse, one parent living out of state or the country, etc.

If your fiance was just seriously taken advantage of by his ex as far as visitation, he really should go back to court. He's not "taking her to court." He's seeking an order from a judge which will allow him the proper visitation he and his child have a right to -- unless, like I said, there was something like abuse and/or neglect involved prior. It really has nothing to do with his ex. It has to do with the relationship he expects to have with his son (supervised for a couple hours in a park or in her home???), his ability to move forward with you and your child, as well as his child being afforded the opportunity to really bond and mesh with his soon-to-be new family.

Personally, I think you need to take a little more time before marrying this person and see what kind of backbone he has. I'd like to know the guy I'm going to spend the rest of my years with would walk through fire for me. I would certainly expect that person to do the same for his child. Your fiance needs to step up to the plate and do what's right for his son. Supervised visitation in a park for a couple hours is not stepping up to the plate.

Last edited by StenoLady1; 10-23-2006 at 07:54 AM.

 
Old 10-23-2006, 10:31 AM   #11
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

He is not giving time and money to this woman, he is giving time and money to his son. Because he neglected to go to court and get a legal custody agreement, he has to suffer the consequences, which mean being at the whim of his ex's scheduling. Your problem is with him, not her. Whether she lives with her parents and has a job is not for you to judge. Expecting her new future husband to support someone else's child is also not realistic.

Having an antagonistic relationship with this woman is not going to help you, your fiance, and especially not this child. Perhaps if you are able to build some sort of friendship with her then she will more willingly allow her son to stay the weekend with you both. Why not make things easier for everyone? And there is always the option of your fiance going to court, despite the fact that he refuses right now. On what grounds does he refuse? Is it because he doesn't want to traumatize his child, because of money, or something else entirely? If nothing else, think of this little boy, and not of yourself right now. It's understandable that you have these feelings, but you're the grown-up here.

Last edited by bulletproof; 10-23-2006 at 10:31 AM.

 
Old 10-23-2006, 11:56 AM   #12
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I would say there a few issues here:

1) As said before, why is your fiance not prepared/willing to go to court to formalise visitation with his son? He really should be willing to give you a good reason for it, not just refuse to do it. If he can't come up with a reason, I would be a bit suspicious.

2) Is part of this problem that you are not completely secure about your relationship, and unhappy that contact with his son inevitably means contact with his ex?

3) Are you sure that you're willing to accept that your fiance's link to his son will always be a priority for him? Even once you have a child of your own with him, that other child will be just as important.

4) Are you ready to accept the financial obligations that your fiance is under regarding his son? Although I entirely agree that his ex should go and get a job (though of course no doubt there are childcare problems), the fact remains that until his son is 18 your fiance is going to have to pay out something every month. That may well have even more of an impact once you are married and have a child of your own. I agree with a previous poster that perhaps he should ensure that his financial contribution does definitely go directly to the child by actually using the money to buy clothes etc, not just handing over the cash.

5) You said yourself that it doesn't seem like you have been seeing eachother for very long! I'm sure everyone can find an example of a successful, happy relationship where marriage/kids etc were done and dusted in the first year or so, but I certainly would recommend a longer period of settling in before you start planning the rest of your life with this guy.

My current partner has 2 children with his ex-wife, but because they are now 15 and 17, he is able to make plans directly with them. We are very lucky in that respect. He has very little to do with his ex any more - he contacts the kids on their mobile phones, arranges meet-ups and everything else with the kids.
But the fact remains that before he met me, he had a relationship for nearly 18 years. I entirely accept that, and if he mentions his ex in any way, I have no negative reaction at all.
It doesn't sound to me like you are ready to accept this man, warts and all. It is a fact of life that when people have children, everyone else comes second. That includes you. And your car!

I wish you well!

 
Old 10-24-2006, 12:13 AM   #13
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

What I would give if only the father of my child has an ounce of interest of care for our son.

No court in the world could force a father to love his child. Coming from the "other end" of the spectrum here in regards to being the main caregiver (and mother) of our son, I didn't trust my husband either, but my reasons are valid. There are three sides to every story and there may be some valid reasons why your fiance's ex-wife doesn't trust him. My reason why I didn't trust my ex-husband is because I didn't trust his wife. She hit our son and my ex-husband didn't do anything about it. I'm not a violent person, but when I found out that this ****** hit my son, I punched her in the face the first chance I got and broke 3 of my knuckles. It was worth it even if I broke both of my legs and arms.

If you want some peace and somewhat a sane life with your fiance, soon to be husband, my advice to you is be his ex-wife's friend. Be mature about it. The $300 or even $1000 dollar monthly child support is for his child, even if the mother is getting $50 of it, she is the main caregiver of their child.

As hard as it is for you, I am speaking from experience. Put yourself in her shoes and you would understand where she is coming from and be her friend, for the children's sake. I'm not discounting your feelings, I know money is hard to come by and when you see the other person is not working and you are, it makes it even harder. I know, I was the one working and my ex-husband's wife wasn't. There were times were I wish I have enough courage to stoop to her level, but I just couldn't.

Maybe you may want to wait a bit and get to know your fiance before you solidify your union. Marriage is a very sacred union not too many nowadays take it seriously or give it the respect it deserves. I myself recently got married after being unmarried for 17 + years for the very reason on what you're describing on these pages. Having small children into second and third of fourth marriages is not easy.

Peace.

Last edited by Fabat40; 10-24-2006 at 12:16 AM.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 06:44 AM   #14
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I'm going to try to help from the perspective of your fiance's ex-wife.

First, I think Ruth6:11 is right. There are two sides to every story and I am sure there is more to it than you are being made aware of.

When I divorced my ex-husband I was forced to go back to my parent's because he left me with nothing. Child care is very expensive and he wasn't paying any child support. You said that his son has an illness so perhaps she is doing what is best for the child being in a supportive environment. No matter how much you think you know of this situation you shouldn't be so judgemental about it.

Since you are marrying him and you are all going to be one big happy family for some time to come I think you need to open the lines of communication with his ex. She may have a valid reason she doesn't want your fiance to be alone with his son. Then again she may not. You will never know unless you try to get to know her and the situation a little better.

You are an adult and you are capable of taking care of your own car issues, even if you work all the time. Your fiance's son is a child and if he can only see him at certain times then I commend him for doing all he has to do to keep a relationship with him, even if that means putting off your car repairs. He was a father before he was your fiance and children have to come first. If you ask him to change his priorities to fit your needs he is only going to resent you in the end for coming between him and his son.

I think pre-marriage counseling is a good idea for you. Blended families are tough and take a lot of work. He is always going to be that boys father and you (as a team) are going to need to find a way to make this situation work for all of you. Sometimes your not going to like the terms, but that's life. If you are unable to find a way to make you all happy I would reconsider whether or not you should marry this man.

You said that you have a daughter as well. Is her father involved in her life? How does your fiance handle that situation? Would you drop something to do with her to do something for him that he could do himself?

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to look at it from all angles. Anything that is worth while takes a lot of hard work.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 08:12 AM   #15
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Re: Getting married in 4 months and I can't accept his ex-wife that has his son...

I don't understand how there is no court order, but yet he is paying hundreds of dollars in child support each month? Yet, he can't see his kid when he wants?

Something isn't right here. I think you need to get to know this guy a heck of a lot better before you marry him. You are almost marrying a stranger with a past you don't know much about. What is the rush?????

 
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