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Old 10-23-2006, 04:35 PM   #1
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breakfree84 HB User
Question Is this worth breaking up for?

My bf and I have been together for 5 1/2 years. I have been with him since I was 17. I’m now 22 and he’s 28. I love him to death but something he does has been bothering me for a long time.

He likes to view women's profiles in chartrooms and sometimes chat with them. He has been doing this for the past 2 years. At first I almost went crazy. Then I went through a period where I thought I was just over reacting. He has never tried to meet anyone or talk on the phone with anyone. I know this for a fact because we are always together and most of the time we even work together.

He has brought up getting married a few times but every time I try to think about getting married I lose it. It hurts me a lot that he shares sexual conversations with other women. I have brought up this issue many many times. He stops doing it for couple of weeks until I calm down then he starts doing it again. In our last conversation about this he said he needs professional help to stop. He said he might be addicted and sometimes out of boredom he does it but it means nothing to him. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong to began with.

I'm not sure what the truth is anymore. We've gave up a lot of things to be with each other. He is the perfect man besides this issue. I just can't seem to get past it. I'm not sure if this is cheating or normal and harmless. I sometimes just want to call it quits but I'm scared to lose someone I really love. I'm so confused! Any advice or opinions are welcomed. Thanks for reading.

Last edited by breakfree84; 10-23-2006 at 06:09 PM.

 
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Old 10-23-2006, 04:42 PM   #2
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kendram HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

If he is willing to seek help, because you said he admitted to having a problem, I would get him to do that before breaking up. Get him to go to conseling, the two of you may need to go together and he needs his own too. There is a such thing as being addicted to sex or online chatting, or what I call "online cheating". He needs professional help if he is willing to get it. Good luck, Kendra M.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 08:39 AM   #3
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JBravo556 HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

the answer to your question is yes.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 09:56 AM   #4
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brazilman HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

Hi

I beg to disagree with JBravo556. At the same time I'm rather skeptical of any treatment for this kind of addiction. The Internet is everywhere and it is relatively easy to hide what you are doing on it. Well he seems committed to getting professional help, but at the same he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. So what? The impression is that he would be getting help in the first place just to please you. Mincing words. The "cure" probably wouldn't last very long.

If this, on the one hand, is not worth breaking up for, it is, on the other hand, certainly worth asking yourself how much actually you are able to take. I know it feels like a shot in the dark, because you can never know if this addiction will get the upperhand of him or otherwise, if suppressed, will not emerge as something different and even more serious. Or if married and given a new whole series of tasks (home, kids, socializing, etc), he will be able to get over it. Why don't you talk with him again and investigate all the possibilities? Try to describe, together with him, what the future can be like for you when we are married. This might help you make a decision.

As a matter of fact, I think that the best cure for it, if ever, is work and and a work that motivates him. Isn't he a little bit too idle, by the way? This is not a joke, but I am even daring to think that he could use his experience with these chatrooms and create chatting sites for other people, maybe with your help, but they should be constructive chatrooms rather than sex or vulgarities.

Best of luck.

JC

 
Old 10-28-2006, 07:13 AM   #5
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breakfree84 HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

Thanks everyone for your responses. I guess it comes down to it being wrong or not. We differ on that topic completely. He thinks he is not doing anything wrong but will stop for me. While I think it's almost cheating. I don't want him to stop because I want it that way. Only if that's something he thinks is wrong too.

Growing up I never knew what a normal or even kind of normal relationship was. My parents never had that and he was my first boyfriend. Most of my friends were single too. I'm just lost on if it's cheating or not. I could really use some insight on that.

 
Old 10-28-2006, 07:49 AM   #6
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

"He thinks he is not doing anything wrong but will stop for me. While I think it's almost cheating."

But see, that's just it. You have told him how you feel and he stops for a while, but then he is right back to it. It's one thing if he does it and you don't see a problem with it. It's no big deal. But because you are bothered by it it becomes a problem. Either you need to work on it (talking, counceling, whatever) or you need to let it go.

There are different things for different people that are "deal breakers" in relationships. For me, cheating of any kind be it in person, on line, or over the phone, is a deal breaker. I was in a long relationship with a man who was constantly doing that stuff behind my back. He lied, said he stopped, but it always resurfaced.

If you are not willing to accept that this is something he does and that he doesn't see a problem with it, then you need to really need to think about whether or not this is the kind of man you want to marry.

 
Old 10-28-2006, 08:59 AM   #7
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brazilman HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

Quote:
Originally Posted by breakfree84
Thanks everyone for your responses. I guess it comes down to it being wrong or not. We differ on that topic completely. He thinks he is not doing anything wrong but will stop for me. While I think it's almost cheating. I don't want him to stop because I want it that way. Only if that's something he thinks is wrong too.

Growing up I never knew what a normal or even kind of normal relationship was. My parents never had that and he was my first boyfriend. Most of my friends were single too. I'm just lost on if it's cheating or not. I could really use some insight on that.
Not an easy question.

Well, I think you can look at it from different perspectives. If it is true that biologically speaking, a man needs more sex than a woman, then your bf is simply acting according to his instinct. It is not cheating. Remember that almost every man frequently masturbates, even when he has a regular partner. If you think that masturbation is cheating, then you will have to concede that man is a natural cheater.

Now, from the social or sociological or moral point of view, what your bf is doing, that is virtual sex, is frowned upon and can be thought of as a less serious form of cheating. If it is something very occasional, I wouldn't really bother, moreover if he never replaces the screen for the real world. If he would rather go to the computer than be with you, I would be worried about his choice. And even more worried if he went out of his way to meet one of those ladies. If he can't even go on with his work because of his "addiction", then he really needs a treatment.

So it seems to be a question of degree. Try not to see it purely as a woman. Try to enter his shoes. If it is an obsession with him, I would suggest the treatment. If it fails, if he can't get over it, ask him to be sincere about the treatment, then I guess you should talk to yourself to see if you want to keep this man on your side and create a family with him.

I am sorry that your parents never had a normal relationship. I don't mean to console you, but let me say that very few couples can manage to keep the original romance throughout their marriage. What about the kids, the mortgages, the intrusions of the rest of the family, health problems, etc - it is such a lot on their shoulders that a "normal" life is like a mirage. Please, don't be too demanding.

Anyway, your parents' experience doesn't have necessarily to be reproduced by you and your couple. If you are always honest with him, and he with you, you both will be able to avoid many of the most usual problems of a "normal" couple.

Best to you.

JC

 
Old 10-28-2006, 01:26 PM   #8
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plasva HB User
Re: Is this worth breaking up for?

Hi,
How do you know the coversations he has online are sexual in nature?

One thing is certain. If the conversations are sexual or imply a desire to date the women, it is DEFINITELY not okay nor normal. It is a form of cheating, of not being completely committed, and of not being ready to be entirely mentally/emotionally/spiritually connected to his relationship with you. He knows it's wrong, but anyone who does this sort of thing is also in denial.

If you are sure this is not just a desire on his part for online friendship ONLY (you're sure it's sexual in nature) I believe the only thing to do is give him an ultimatum. Either he start going to counselling and stop using the Internet alltogether (cancel the servive) or you're going to move out.

People with these types of addictions destroy their relationships.
Either he is serious about changing or he's not. You are a wonderful committed forgiving woman, and you should not have to put up with this.

He keeps doing it because 1) He is addicted 2)He is too immature to make the effort to overcome the addiction on his own and ALSO 3)He believes you are not really going to leave him.

I'm sorry he is not mature enough to become a better boyfriend ON HIS OWN, which is what you deserve.

 
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