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Old 10-23-2006, 04:56 PM   #1
Junior Member
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 47
iluvg1120 HB User
Need Help!

Hi all,

I have posted here one other time before regarding my situation. But now I just don't know what to do.

Recap-I have a 4 year old daughter and live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. My ex (my daughter's father)committed suicide in August. Since then my boyfriend "John" has spoken of adopting her if we got married, etc. Well, he is about 100 pounds overweight. I think he needs to start attempting to loose weight because he will have health problems early on and I don't need my daughter to have another loss.

He is good to us. BUT I am starting to think that I am not in love with him. I don't think this is because of his weight. He is a great person and my best friend, but I find myself thinking that I want to be on my own. I feel guilty about those feelings.

My daughter adores him. If we left, it would crush her (on top of loosing her father) however I know that I have to be happy myself.

Many things have recently came to light after my ex's death. He was very controlling, jealous and physically and mentally abusive to me. I lived my life through him and we had been together since I was 18, married at 21 and divorced at 30 (I am 32 now). I think I am still trying to figure out who I am because even though we were divorced, I still think I had this deep "fear" of him (because of past events) so I was still afraid of trying to find myself. I now think I am free to do that.

I hope this makes sense. I don't know what to do, how I should feel, etc. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Tiffany

 
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Old 10-23-2006, 05:18 PM   #2
Inactive
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: ohio
Posts: 495
ILYF HB User
Re: Need Help!

You certainly shouldn't marry someone that you don't think that you are in love with.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 02:37 AM   #3
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(male)
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: Need Help!

Quote:
Originally Posted by iluvg1120
Hi all,

I have posted here one other time before regarding my situation. But now I just don't know what to do.

Recap-I have a 4 year old daughter and live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. My ex (my daughter's father)committed suicide in August. Since then my boyfriend "John" has spoken of adopting her if we got married, etc. Well, he is about 100 pounds overweight. I think he needs to start attempting to loose weight because he will have health problems early on and I don't need my daughter to have another loss.

He is good to us. BUT I am starting to think that I am not in love with him. I don't think this is because of his weight. He is a great person and my best friend, but I find myself thinking that I want to be on my own. I feel guilty about those feelings.

My daughter adores him. If we left, it would crush her (on top of loosing her father) however I know that I have to be happy myself.

Many things have recently came to light after my ex's death. He was very controlling, jealous and physically and mentally abusive to me. I lived my life through him and we had been together since I was 18, married at 21 and divorced at 30 (I am 32 now). I think I am still trying to figure out who I am because even though we were divorced, I still think I had this deep "fear" of him (because of past events) so I was still afraid of trying to find myself. I now think I am free to do that.

I hope this makes sense. I don't know what to do, how I should feel, etc. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Tiffany
Hi Tiffany:

It is not clear to me whether your boyfriend has already proposed to you formally or whether marriage was just a casual topic in your conversations.

Anyway, it is also clear to me that to marry someone whom you don't really love (or whom you are not sure about loving) will make you unhappy, will make the other party unhappy, too, and anyone else who is around you. In other words, the three of you will suffer from this marriage.

That is, I don't think it is a good idea to marry him just for the sake of your child.

You just have to talk to him and tell him about your feelings. If he is really that good and kind to you, he will understand you and first give you some time to think it over and then, depending on your decision, move away.

I am not saying these things will be easy and smooth, but they have to be done in the the interest of you three, so as to avoid a bleak future.

You should talk to your daughter, too, even if she can't yet understand everything. You will know what words to choose. Try to make her see it as a change rather than as a loss. On the one hand, it will be hard for her to separate from your bf, if this is the solution, but on the other hand it is usually easy for small children to forget and move on. Later on, she may have good memories of him.

Don't spoil her in order to compensate, but be prepared for the fact that losses and grief may be a pattern in her early life. Help her grow strong in body and mind so she can work it out and find alternatives.

Best of luck.

JC

 
Old 10-24-2006, 05:02 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4,202
happymom28 HB User
Re: Need Help!

Marrying someone you don't truly love isn't fair to anyone involved. You should definately talk to him about your feelings.

You have to expect that if you decide to end things with your boyfriend that your daughter is going to be upset. Kids don't like change and she's already been through so much recently. Do not use your daughter's feelings as a factor when deciding what to do with this relationship. Even if she needs counceling to cope with all that has gone on in her life she will get through it with your help.

I would suggest that if you really don't see yourself with this man then you shouldn't prolong it. You may be better off taking some time with just you and your daughter so you can sort through all these feelings and emotions that have been stirred up lately.

 
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